Ex is in 12 step AA program. Advice needed.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: woodbridge,va
Posts: 4
Ex is in 12 step AA program. Advice needed.
This may be a long story but I have an ex that I have cut off contact for the time being. She is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. She has been sober for almost 2 years. She also suffers from what I would call severe depression. She knows for a fact I would be there for her through anything and everything and says Im the only person who really "gets" her and understands how she feels even though I personally have never been through any addiction problems I do have family members that have so I'm understanding as much as I can be and she says I'm the healthiest relationship she's ever had and it scares her.
The problem for me and the reason I cut off the contact is because she has her ex girlfriend in the picture (yes,we're gay). I wouldn't mind the ex being in her life as strictly just friends but there are obviously still feelings from her exes side and she manipulates my now ex to pull her back in because she knows her weaknesses. I stayed patient for several months to have my now ex tell her ex that she was with me and to leave her alone and let us be but she doesn't want to hurt her etc. When I cut everything off she said she doesn't know what to do and feels like she wants to use again so she's going to start back up her 12 step program and i congratulated her telling her that I think she needs something to help with her underlying problems because if her ex doesn't make her happy and i truly do then she needs to figure out why or how to let the go. I told her i won't be talking to her during this time because she needs to figure out what she really wants. She said she's afraid by the time she gets everything together while going through the steps and removing "baggage" she calls it, I will move on and won't want her. She has very low self esteem along with the other issues she deals with. I just need someones advice if you've ever gone through AA 12 steps and let go of toxic people i.e her ex and realized what you truly want? Or any advice on what the outcome will be. She said she loves me and wants us in the future and hopes she can get back to a balanced healthy feeling point in her sometime soon. She still texts me like once a week but I don't respond because I told her we need this time without each other for her to work on herself, am i doing the right thing in this situation? Thanks for your comments. Sorry for being so long
The problem for me and the reason I cut off the contact is because she has her ex girlfriend in the picture (yes,we're gay). I wouldn't mind the ex being in her life as strictly just friends but there are obviously still feelings from her exes side and she manipulates my now ex to pull her back in because she knows her weaknesses. I stayed patient for several months to have my now ex tell her ex that she was with me and to leave her alone and let us be but she doesn't want to hurt her etc. When I cut everything off she said she doesn't know what to do and feels like she wants to use again so she's going to start back up her 12 step program and i congratulated her telling her that I think she needs something to help with her underlying problems because if her ex doesn't make her happy and i truly do then she needs to figure out why or how to let the go. I told her i won't be talking to her during this time because she needs to figure out what she really wants. She said she's afraid by the time she gets everything together while going through the steps and removing "baggage" she calls it, I will move on and won't want her. She has very low self esteem along with the other issues she deals with. I just need someones advice if you've ever gone through AA 12 steps and let go of toxic people i.e her ex and realized what you truly want? Or any advice on what the outcome will be. She said she loves me and wants us in the future and hopes she can get back to a balanced healthy feeling point in her sometime soon. She still texts me like once a week but I don't respond because I told her we need this time without each other for her to work on herself, am i doing the right thing in this situation? Thanks for your comments. Sorry for being so long
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are wise to take time and put some space between you right now. Even clean and sober relationships can go south fast when both people are driving in different directions.
She doesn't know what she wants, and maybe never will.
This may be a good time to heal yourself and take some quiet time to regain your balance.
Hugs
She doesn't know what she wants, and maybe never will.
This may be a good time to heal yourself and take some quiet time to regain your balance.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
She battles addiction, depression and "other things" while she has another woman in her life? You have family members that have battled addiction before? Did they live with you?
I hate to go around suggesting that everyone is a bit co-dependent, but this is the forum to do it, I guess. Read about co-dependency and see if you identify with anything. Perhaps I am wrong.
You are obviously a very caring person and I'm impressed that you've not answered her texts. Yes, you are doing EXACTLY the right thing. You are sending a message. you stated how things needed to be for you to be content and you have to stick to it. Otherwise, you are just sacrificing yourself in all the wrong kind of ways. And it won't work.
You have developed feelings for a person who presents 3 issues:
1. Relationship ( trust, monogamy, honesty, loyalty)
2. Addiction (trust, monogamy, honesty, loyalty)...Coupled with mood swings, cravings, roller coaster rides, insanity, and neglect of your own emotional well-being.
3. All of that magnified by mental illness. Damn. Just let this person be and work out their drama for a while. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't. It's time to think about you and the fact that you have really little to do what her current state of mind is. I imagine it was like talking to a different person everyday when you did communicate. You need a break, lady!!!
Of course she is telling you that she is sad that you don't communicate. I'm sure she misses having the attention of you and another woman or women, who knows. But she is getting all of this attention for the wrong reasons which doesn't really encourage her to get better at all. This is a bad deal. You were right to call a time out. Consider calling it quits for good. Either way, you can hope the best for her and love her from a far while you watch for any progress.
.
I hate to go around suggesting that everyone is a bit co-dependent, but this is the forum to do it, I guess. Read about co-dependency and see if you identify with anything. Perhaps I am wrong.
You are obviously a very caring person and I'm impressed that you've not answered her texts. Yes, you are doing EXACTLY the right thing. You are sending a message. you stated how things needed to be for you to be content and you have to stick to it. Otherwise, you are just sacrificing yourself in all the wrong kind of ways. And it won't work.
You have developed feelings for a person who presents 3 issues:
1. Relationship ( trust, monogamy, honesty, loyalty)
2. Addiction (trust, monogamy, honesty, loyalty)...Coupled with mood swings, cravings, roller coaster rides, insanity, and neglect of your own emotional well-being.
3. All of that magnified by mental illness. Damn. Just let this person be and work out their drama for a while. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't. It's time to think about you and the fact that you have really little to do what her current state of mind is. I imagine it was like talking to a different person everyday when you did communicate. You need a break, lady!!!
Of course she is telling you that she is sad that you don't communicate. I'm sure she misses having the attention of you and another woman or women, who knows. But she is getting all of this attention for the wrong reasons which doesn't really encourage her to get better at all. This is a bad deal. You were right to call a time out. Consider calling it quits for good. Either way, you can hope the best for her and love her from a far while you watch for any progress.
.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: woodbridge,va
Posts: 4
Thanks for the replies! It has been very difficult and I really help she gets better. I congratulate her for being sober for almost 2 years. she told me the last time we talked which was about 3 weeks ago that shes starting her AA program up again because she says its the only thing that has gotten her in a balanced place and feels it will have her release baggage (aka her ex). Maybe im just blinded by all this or what but her ex is very toxic, doesnt support her because she still smokes weed and takes ambien, my ex tells me I understand her and am there for her like nobody else has and the connection and chemistry we have is very rare blah blah. I just cant comprehend if you go through depression and addiction and you really have someone who loves you and is by your side why jeopordize it for someone who was no good for you? that was my only problem with this whole situation really.
THEGIRLISTRYING: Yes i had an Aunt go through addiction and shes been on drugs for 20+ years, well on and off. Shes not a direct relative I lived with or anything but I understand the struggles of addiction thats why I empathize with my ex. My ex said she has a hard time letting go of her ex because she has had friends pass away etc from drugs and she doesnt want to lose people, but why lose "me" the person who is healthy and wants her to be healthy? Im just curious, whats the probability of her actually letting go of the baggage from ehr ex and coming back to me while im not in the pic? I do agree im doing the healthiest thing for both her and I and letting her figure her stuff out alone and I told her she should do it without me and without her ex to see what really makes her happy and in which direction she wants her life to go. Thanks again guys for listening
THEGIRLISTRYING: Yes i had an Aunt go through addiction and shes been on drugs for 20+ years, well on and off. Shes not a direct relative I lived with or anything but I understand the struggles of addiction thats why I empathize with my ex. My ex said she has a hard time letting go of her ex because she has had friends pass away etc from drugs and she doesnt want to lose people, but why lose "me" the person who is healthy and wants her to be healthy? Im just curious, whats the probability of her actually letting go of the baggage from ehr ex and coming back to me while im not in the pic? I do agree im doing the healthiest thing for both her and I and letting her figure her stuff out alone and I told her she should do it without me and without her ex to see what really makes her happy and in which direction she wants her life to go. Thanks again guys for listening
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