Is my ex boyfriend an alcoholic?
 

I broke up with him two days ago, because he has just been acting like such a selfish scumbag.

We'd been together for about 4 months. I am 28 and he is 37. I really need advice, because I am so hurt and sad about ending it with him, but I know it's for the best.

I broke up with him because of what happened after I went to Germany on holiday for ten days. We were in constant contact the entire time and I bought him nice presents. The day before my flight back, he asked if he was going to see me the next day. We organised to meet at his place the next evening.

But then he said he might go for a few beers with his mates and I was welcome to come. I thought that was a bit rude, since we hadn't seen each other in a while.

The next evening, he texted me and said he was at a friend's house having some beers. He said I should give him a 20 min heads up before I left so he could go home and meet me.

I gave him the heads up and left my home, jet lagged and driving in the dark, to see him. I then got a text saying he was on his first double brandy and could I give him 30 min.

I was shocked. I called him and could hear he was completely wasted. I asked him how many beers he'd had and he said he had about five pints. He was completely out of it and couldn't have a proper conversation with me. I was so disappointed. I hung up and drove back home crying. He sent me a text saying he's confused and I should calm down.

I did not want to go to his house with him so drunk, because his entire personality changes. He becomes aggressive and he's been violent on two occasions where he didn't even remember the next morning.

The next day I didn't hear from him at all. Usually he apologises and we move on, but this time - nothing. The next morning at 4 am I got a text from him saying he was in a car accident the previous morning and that's why I didn't hear from him.

He had written off his rental car in the accident, but won't go into details. I am convinced he was still drunk the next morning when he drove.

He drinks a lot. He is an honorary member at two pubs and his beer is ready for him when he walks through the door. When he drinks it's not two or three draughts. It's six or seven. It's been up to 20 beers in one night and his eyes change and he becomes extremely disrespectful and critical.

I saw my therapist yesterday, and she says it's very clear that he is an alcoholic. She says none of this is my fault and that he will destroy me if I stay with him.

I please just need some advice and perspective. He was so good to me in the beginning, but he became more selfish, distant and violent. I hate feeling so hurt and rejected right now.

I suppose my question is, did he choose alcohol over me that night? Is it because I tolerated his bad behaviour that he thinks it's okay to treat me like this?

Please help.

Perhaps one of the wisest decisions you have ever made in your life was to break up with this man. He brings nothing to this relationship except worry and fear and frustration and violence.

He's 37 and has developed an addictive lifestyle that he calls "socializing". He isn't about to change any time soon.

Run girl, and don't look back. Be glad you only had 4 months invested in this. You are wiser than most because you could see the red flags clearly and it didn't take long for you to see the trouble ahead. You deserve so much better than any of this and I think you are wise enough to know it.

Hugs

Lielakie we all put on our best faces at the start of a relationship, and later the true person emerges. He has been VIOLENT and abusive to you. Don't look back, don't get sucked in if he comes around apologising, just keep going. You are so lucky to be out of it with only this much damage.

Oh and yes, from what you've said he is an alcoholic.

Yeah, he's probably an alcoholic, but that's really beside the point in this case. Violence is a dealbreaker for me. Totally unacceptable. You were right to end the relationship before he hurt you badly. You will get over him. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you much better, and that's what you deserve. No one deserves to be physically abused.

You did the right thing! At this point, it is probably time to forget about him and work out with your therapist why you would stay in such a young relationship that involved violence. Four months is still the honeymoon phase.

Good luck

ETA: no relationship should have violence.... Just thought I would put that clarifier out there after reading what I posted.

Hi Tamerua, thanks for the reply. That is exactly what my therapist said yesterday. She said the only thing I did wrong was not react to the red flags sooner. Where I come from, being single at 28 is... less than ideal. It's sick that I think being married will validate me, but I've also been dealing with that in therapy too.

And like I said, he was so great in the beginning, I guess I didn't realise how much he actually drank and that it was his fault every time he acted like a creep.

He always turned everything around and afterwards would say I got cranky which made him angry. I seriously only ever got cranky because he would mock me endlessly when he drank too much. In front of his friends and family, in front of my friends, in public, in private, in front of strangers. It was mortifying. And the next day he would have no recollection. And be all apologetic.

I guess I wanted to believe that he is a good guy and that he was just stressed about work and money. He co-owns a company, but it's not doing very well at all. I so very badly wanted this to work out and to have a partner.

I have never dated an alcoholic before, but it has helped me learn that being respected is non-negotiable. So is having self-respect. I just wish I'd dumped him sooner!

The hardest thing for me is to understand why he didn't value me and why he treated me like that in the end. He says he cares about me, but I have seen no evidence of that in the past two months.

There's nothing to figure out......and you'll make yourself crazy trying to do so. It's not about you. Alcoholics don't drink AT us. They just drink....and get mean and obnoxious. Don't take it personally......and as someone mentioned above.......be glad that you only have four months invested.

gentle hugs
ke

I come from the other side of it, I'm the AA but also the adult child of an alcoholic and the one thing that I am learning that is more valuable than anything is setting boundaries. I (and you!!!) deserve to be treated and spoken to in a certain manner.

Keep posting!

Yes, and yes.

I am sorry for your loss and disappointment, which I know are real and painful whether you have 4 months or 4 years invested.

I have to agree with the others - you were wise to let go. Always listen to that inner voice, trust your instincts, go with your gut.

We all deserve to be respected and loved, not minimized and abused.

Good luck to you,
Spider

Good for you for standing up for yourself! It is wise that you have a therapist for support.

With addicts.....it's about them and their drug-of-choice. You saw that when you came home from your holiday. You weren't at the top of his list.

You deserve to be at the top of somebody's list.....