I gave him an ultimatum. He doesn't know I know he broke his promise.
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It's starting to sink in with him, I think. He still believes this is a temporary situation. I talked to him last night, and he's decided to go stay with his dad, but he thinks this is going to be a two week thing, where he'll get his head "together" and come back here until he goes into long term.
That's not going to happen. I don't want him here until he's been in treatment. Period. And even then, it will be probation.
He's getting miserable. Honestly, I'm kinda reveling in it. This is something he brought on himself; he's blaming himself, for once; that's kinda new.
I think he's motivated by this; but I'm jaded. I've been burned by the pink cloud before. Two weeks is NO time, to me; he can go a week or two without using/drinking, but that doesn't mean he's clean and sober.
Until he's reaching out for help, he's not going to be recovering. Right now, he's wallowing in self pity, and honestly, that just annoys me.
The good thing is that he hasn't been saying he's sorry. He knows those words have no meaning to me at all.
That's not going to happen. I don't want him here until he's been in treatment. Period. And even then, it will be probation.
He's getting miserable. Honestly, I'm kinda reveling in it. This is something he brought on himself; he's blaming himself, for once; that's kinda new.
I think he's motivated by this; but I'm jaded. I've been burned by the pink cloud before. Two weeks is NO time, to me; he can go a week or two without using/drinking, but that doesn't mean he's clean and sober.
Until he's reaching out for help, he's not going to be recovering. Right now, he's wallowing in self pity, and honestly, that just annoys me.
The good thing is that he hasn't been saying he's sorry. He knows those words have no meaning to me at all.
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I'm struggling with letting my husband come home after treatment. I feel like he should get out on his own in the real world and take care of himself. I know he wants to come home.. but it will be very easy to fall into "old" routines.
I'm considering therapy. I was thinking of going through a drug/alcohol outlet because mainstream therapists usually just say "run for you life"... before they even here anything about US. It's crazy. I feel like running out of the office because I can feel the judging and condescending tone... it's horrible. I feel that maybe going through a counseling service the specifies in drug addiction is smarter for the wife or loved one of the addict because the counselor actually understands the disease. They also are well versed with dealing with codependency and may actually be able to make us feel comfortable in their office. I'm going through it too!!
I'm considering therapy. I was thinking of going through a drug/alcohol outlet because mainstream therapists usually just say "run for you life"... before they even here anything about US. It's crazy. I feel like running out of the office because I can feel the judging and condescending tone... it's horrible. I feel that maybe going through a counseling service the specifies in drug addiction is smarter for the wife or loved one of the addict because the counselor actually understands the disease. They also are well versed with dealing with codependency and may actually be able to make us feel comfortable in their office. I'm going through it too!!
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Originally Posted by KeepinItReal 
I'm struggling with letting my husband come home after treatment. I feel like he should get out on his own in the real world and take care of himself. I know he wants to come home.. but it will be very easy to fall into "old" routines.
I'm considering therapy. I was thinking of going through a drug/alcohol outlet because mainstream therapists usually just say "run for you life"... before they even here anything about US. It's crazy. I feel like running out of the office because I can feel the judging and condescending tone... it's horrible. I feel that maybe going through a counseling service the specifies in drug addiction is smarter for the wife or loved one of the addict because the counselor actually understands the disease. They also are well versed with dealing with codependency and may actually be able to make us feel comfortable in their office. I'm going through it too!!
I'm considering therapy. I was thinking of going through a drug/alcohol outlet because mainstream therapists usually just say "run for you life"... before they even here anything about US. It's crazy. I feel like running out of the office because I can feel the judging and condescending tone... it's horrible. I feel that maybe going through a counseling service the specifies in drug addiction is smarter for the wife or loved one of the addict because the counselor actually understands the disease. They also are well versed with dealing with codependency and may actually be able to make us feel comfortable in their office. I'm going through it too!!
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Man, to add insult to injury.
So, my girls have been struggling with strep throat the last couple of weeks (my oldest missed an entire week of school all last week.) It's antibiotic resistant, so we're on our SECOND round of powerful antibiotics.
And guess what? Yep. My throat hurts, and the back of it looks like hamburger meat.
Great. So on top of everything else, now I have to deal with this.
And since I no longer have my partner, I don't have time to slow down and take care of this. I can't afford a trip to the doctor anyway. I'll be doubling up on probiotics, and hoping this goes away quickly on its own.
The girls and I are going to go out for Mexican tonight, since I don't feel up to cooking. I started to call him, and invite him to come with us, and thought... why? What could be gained from that? I do feel sorry for him that he has no resources, but that's not my fault, and frankly he needs to be *away* from us, not coming over every single day like he has been so far. I know he misses his children, but this isn't about him.
He keeps saying he doesn't want to be "without them" -- it's never about their needs. It's always about how he can't live without them, or how he misses them, or how he can't imagine being without them.
What about them?
I know that this is part of the disease, but I'm SO tired of the selfishness.
So he's on his own tonight. I'll see him tomorrow, if he decides to join me at AA (his home group meets at the same time as one of my Al Anon meetings.) I've invited him to come along. It's up to him to accept the invitation.
One other question; Saturday morning, I'm driving him down to his dad's. It's a 3 hour drive, so we need to get an early start. He suggested that he stay the night since it would be easier... it *would*, and he'd be on the couch, but I don't know if it's a good idea or not. Thoughts?
So, my girls have been struggling with strep throat the last couple of weeks (my oldest missed an entire week of school all last week.) It's antibiotic resistant, so we're on our SECOND round of powerful antibiotics.
And guess what? Yep. My throat hurts, and the back of it looks like hamburger meat.
Great. So on top of everything else, now I have to deal with this.
And since I no longer have my partner, I don't have time to slow down and take care of this. I can't afford a trip to the doctor anyway. I'll be doubling up on probiotics, and hoping this goes away quickly on its own.
The girls and I are going to go out for Mexican tonight, since I don't feel up to cooking. I started to call him, and invite him to come with us, and thought... why? What could be gained from that? I do feel sorry for him that he has no resources, but that's not my fault, and frankly he needs to be *away* from us, not coming over every single day like he has been so far. I know he misses his children, but this isn't about him.
He keeps saying he doesn't want to be "without them" -- it's never about their needs. It's always about how he can't live without them, or how he misses them, or how he can't imagine being without them.
What about them?
I know that this is part of the disease, but I'm SO tired of the selfishness.
So he's on his own tonight. I'll see him tomorrow, if he decides to join me at AA (his home group meets at the same time as one of my Al Anon meetings.) I've invited him to come along. It's up to him to accept the invitation.
One other question; Saturday morning, I'm driving him down to his dad's. It's a 3 hour drive, so we need to get an early start. He suggested that he stay the night since it would be easier... it *would*, and he'd be on the couch, but I don't know if it's a good idea or not. Thoughts?
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He keeps saying he doesn't want to be "without them" -- it's never about their needs. It's always about how he can't live without them, or how he misses them, or how he can't imagine being without them.
What about them?
I know that this is part of the disease, but I'm SO tired of the selfishness.
What about them?
I know that this is part of the disease, but I'm SO tired of the selfishness.
ZoSo
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DL, sorry to hear about the strep! I went through that recently, and it was miserable! Please do go to the doc if you can, untreated strep can cause heart problems and other issues. About the staying the night thing: I will just say that when I was dating a cocaine addict a few years ago, he managed to worm his way back into my life a couple times by very gradually breaking through my boundaries. It's the old "give 'em an inch and they take a mile" thing. Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth.
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Leave him. That's what I would do.
I remember giving my xah an ultimatum, and he threw that back in my face. I questioned myself on this for a long time. Then, I realized that this was just him twisting. There is only so much you can take.
I remember giving my xah an ultimatum, and he threw that back in my face. I questioned myself on this for a long time. Then, I realized that this was just him twisting. There is only so much you can take.
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Originally Posted by story74
Leave him. That's what I would do.
I remember giving my xah an ultimatum, and he threw that back in my face. I questioned myself on this for a long time. Then, I realized that this was just him twisting. There is only so much you can take.
I remember giving my xah an ultimatum, and he threw that back in my face. I questioned myself on this for a long time. Then, I realized that this was just him twisting. There is only so much you can take.
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One other question; Saturday morning, I'm driving him down to his dad's. It's a 3 hour drive, so we need to get an early start. He suggested that he stay the night since it would be easier... it *would*, and he'd be on the couch, but I don't know if it's a good idea or not. Thoughts?[/QUOTE]
Slippery slope. Every time I told myself my ex would only be on my couch one night it ended up as a week, sometimes months. Are you bringing him to his dad's and leaving by yourself? Do you think he will try to convince you not to take the trip at all once he is back in the home? These things happen in an instant, for me at times before I knew it. Wait, I'll re-state, I knew what was going on but I chose to suspend my brain and follow my heart just for one night. Just for another night. Just for until he uses again or we argue about his addiction.
What is harder? Picking him up somewhere or having to tell him to leave all over again. I think you should stand your ground on this one. If you make one exception, he may think you will make another one in the future.
Just my opinion. Good luck this weekend :-)
Slippery slope. Every time I told myself my ex would only be on my couch one night it ended up as a week, sometimes months. Are you bringing him to his dad's and leaving by yourself? Do you think he will try to convince you not to take the trip at all once he is back in the home? These things happen in an instant, for me at times before I knew it. Wait, I'll re-state, I knew what was going on but I chose to suspend my brain and follow my heart just for one night. Just for another night. Just for until he uses again or we argue about his addiction.
What is harder? Picking him up somewhere or having to tell him to leave all over again. I think you should stand your ground on this one. If you make one exception, he may think you will make another one in the future.
Just my opinion. Good luck this weekend :-)
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Originally Posted by TheGirlisTrying
Slippery slope. Every time I told myself my ex would only be on my couch one night it ended up as a week, sometimes months. Are you bringing him to his dad's and leaving by yourself? Do you think he will try to convince you not to take the trip at all once he is back in the home? These things happen in an instant, for me at times before I knew it. Wait, I'll re-state, I knew what was going on but I chose to suspend my brain and follow my heart just for one night. Just for another night. Just for until he uses again or we argue about his addiction.
What is harder? Picking him up somewhere or having to tell him to leave all over again. I think you should stand your ground on this one. If you make one exception, he may think you will make another one in the future.
Just my opinion. Good luck this weekend :-)
I talked to him last night, and I think he's figured out that I don't want him here. We're going to spend some time together today talking (and Al Anon/AA tonight) and then I'm dropping him off at his sister's. It's actually farther for me to drive to his sisters, but I'm okay with that. An extra hour's driving time is a small price to pay.
The biggest hurdle we're going to face is his children. He loves them very much, but SO much of that right now is focused on "I can't live without them." I have to be strong for them, AND for me.
I had a little meltdown last night, while doing homework with the girls. See, normally we split duties, he takes one kid, I take the other. Last night, my oldest (2nd grade) asked for help at the same time my Kindergartener was needing it, and I snapped and yelled at the 2nd grader that I couldn't do two things at once.
She started crying, and so did I. We all hugged, and I apologized to her. I explained that I was just frustrated, and she did nothing wrong at all. Then we worked out a plan for doing it by ourselves; she'll help the kindergartener, I'll help her, and we'll do it all together. She then had a blast teaching her baby sister popcorn words.
One day at a time.
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So, he called today from his dad's. I'm so annoyed when he calls; he gets really quiet on the phone, and I can't hear him, so I'm always asking him to speak up. And when he's not doing that, he's sitting in silence.
I'm thinking of telling me that unless he actually wants to talk, to please not call, because I don't like sitting there with a phone on my ear for no reason at all.
Petty? Angry? Probably. I don't care.
I'm thinking of telling me that unless he actually wants to talk, to please not call, because I don't like sitting there with a phone on my ear for no reason at all.
Petty? Angry? Probably. I don't care.
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Hi dear, my addict is not my spouse, its my son, but your last post brought this word to my heart. "Manipulation."
Plain and simple. He knew your boundaries, he broke your boundaries, he is testing your boundaries.
When I first started dealing with addiction, I jumped i to "solve" every problem my son ever brought to me before I realized the manipulation I was living (both in trying to fix everything AND responding to every whim my son threw my way. Ours is a three year journey to get to his final choice (when there was no other) for recovery.
Recovery will take time:Away from his life as he knows it and with others who call him on his ********. My so has been in a program since July 2 and is now being asked to be a peer counselor. I see him only once per week, and every week he is more clear, better than he EVER was, and I had NOTHING to do with it!
That is now my mantra, Let go and let God to help your husband. You cannot.
Hugs and prayers to you and your girls,
TT
Plain and simple. He knew your boundaries, he broke your boundaries, he is testing your boundaries.
When I first started dealing with addiction, I jumped i to "solve" every problem my son ever brought to me before I realized the manipulation I was living (both in trying to fix everything AND responding to every whim my son threw my way. Ours is a three year journey to get to his final choice (when there was no other) for recovery.
Recovery will take time:Away from his life as he knows it and with others who call him on his ********. My so has been in a program since July 2 and is now being asked to be a peer counselor. I see him only once per week, and every week he is more clear, better than he EVER was, and I had NOTHING to do with it!
That is now my mantra, Let go and let God to help your husband. You cannot.
Hugs and prayers to you and your girls,
TT
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