BlueChair

I went out to visit my husband yesterday afternoon, and he surprised me with a pass out of rehab. We ended up having a (( Date Night )). Its like the light has returned to his eyes, and I feel like he is back in there. For a long time, its hard to explain but he was missing. He is talking, acting, smiling, even laughing like my husband again. I was sad to leave him, but I know its for the best right now he stays in rehab. We both have a lot to figure out. I wish I could resolve all my emotions right this second, but I cant. I have to remind myself slow and steady. Tomorrow we have our session together.

findthelight

It was a big shock-however, he told me he hadn't used in 3 years-besides going to a methadone clinic which not sure what that's considered as. He had been an addict for 10 years-and then did methadone clinic for 3 which from what I know had ended 6 months before we met (which throughout that time rehab, etc took place) So he was/is in recovery. Early recovery I am guessing would be the correct title. He told me he hates that he hurt me and he would have never put so much effort forth if he had known this thing would rear it's ugly head again-but he just can't be in a relationship. Which I do understand and no matter how much I hurt, I respect him so much for being the man he is. I really know nothing of "the addict" side of him I suppose. I am not sure if he started going through relapse or not. He said it would be different if it wasn't a life or death situation, but that he has to take care of himself before he can take care of anyone else.
I just want to make sure I do the right thing. I don't want to give up on him because I love him dearly, but I don't want to make anything harder on him in any way. I'm scared that he is thinking, while getting my birthday text, that I can't let go. I'm trying to...and it is hard. And I am letting go for both of us. I just don't completely understand why I have to I guess. I dunno.
I know it must be hard on you with your husband. How are things for you right now?

findthelight

Just seeing this. I am glad you had a date night. And I love your attitude of slow and steady. Hope your session goes well tomorrow.

jjj111

FTL, maybe it doesn't matter so much what he thinks of your text? Often when we are in a relationship with an addict, we become so consumed with helping them that we lose sight of what WE feel.

Also, just fyi, methadone is an opiate. It is given out by clinics as an alternative to addicts buying opiates on the street, but it is still absolutely addictive and gets you high. Also, many addicts who go to methadone clinics end up meeting other addicts and using with them. Some even trade their methadone for heroin. So when you met him, he really had very little clean time, if he was even clean at all. It's possible he was just using behind your back?

findthelight

You're right-it is how I felt and what I wanted to do so I am glad I did it. I've always been very sensitive to other people's feelings (ha which from what I can see is NOT a good combo with the addict). Sooo, I clearly over think things and need to stop.

Yes I knew the methadone was an opiate...just thought it was more under a doctor's care. He told me he referred to it as the devil's kool-aid and would religiously drive 45 min to the clinic each morning to take it and that it made him gain a lot of weight when he started among other effects (like I would think less of him or something? He always has a sense of shame I feel like) He had been married at the time( which addiction clearly played a part in his divorce-another shame) and his wife had gotten him to go in the first place. His divorce was also finalized last year which, while we were dating, he assured me so much that the marriage had been over for a long time and kept reassuring me it wasn't a concern.

I'm honestly not sure of the using behind my back. Obviously there is so much I just don't know, can't assume, or think one way or the other. His character has not lessened to me though in any way because I feel he did everything he had to/could do considering the situation. Which makes it harder to let go, but guess something I have to do.

BlueChair

The methadone, I have been reading a lot of books to help me understand about addiction. There was a series of books by David Sheff. His son was the addict, and he wrote all about their families experiences when he was in active addiction. That book was called Beautiful Boy, and then he wrote a follow up book called CLEAN and that is about how drug addiction is treated past and what its going to now in the present and future. I learned a lot from those books. Then his son Nick wrote a book (he is no longer using and married last I read) about what it was like when he was using drugs. If there are stages of addiction, he was a late stage, was homeless, had been using for a lot of years, not very fun to read but it gave me perspective. I would suggest those if you are interested in reading personal stories. I got off track but he talked about methadone somewhere in there, and if it is taken under a doctors care it helps people get off opiates. It can be abused, and there is still a process to get off it. But I dont think without more info you should assume he was using it inappropriately. he may have went to rehab to get it out of his system. Do you still talk to his parents?

If I had got a text from an ex that I parted on good terms, I would not necessarily think they were still holding on. They remembered, so I would know Im still in their thoughts, and they care. But I wouldnt flip out because it could have a range of meanings. If you are constantly texting him, then he would know your having a hard time letting go.

And thank you for the good wishes. We had a good day/night, and I am looking forward to our session tomorrow. I want to make our marriage work, there is hurt, fear, sadness. I hope I can get past it, as long as he is working on getting well, doesnt give up on himself, then that is what I want.

jjj111

It's true, methadone is supervised. I guess what I was thinking about was not so much whether he was using it according to doctor's orders, but more just that it is addictive and being on it is not really being clean.

Anyway, FTL, you're right--I think that when we are dealing with addicts, we have to be extra careful to not get lost in their emotions and lose our awareness of our own feelings. If we get too lost in the other person, we start letting down our boundaries and putting up with behavior we wouldn't usually tolerate.

findthelight

You are welcome. He is lucky to have you! I have that book CLEAN but haven't read it yet. I have read Being Sober and Loving the Addict, Loving Yourself which were both very informative and helpful I felt.

I do not think he was abusing the methadone. I know it's hard to understand and me saying this and that about him are just words...but he is a stand up individual as I'm sure a lot of addicts are. Addict aside, the man he is inside is nothing but admirable and one in a million in my eyes. He is a 100% better man than many non addict men I know. He is trying so hard to improve himself and although many people on here have said don't tell them you're proud...I am SO proud of him for having the strength to fight this. And yes he did hurt me, but I put that aside because although he didn't handle it correctly, I understand why he did it.

I do still talk to his parents hear and there...his dad kept in touch with me a lot after we broke up and told me that he had never seen his son so happy. I think they were unaware of his reoccurring struggles for some time and then when they realized, they still kept in touch explaining to me that he has just had a lot of hardships in his life but didn't feel right telling me what. About 2 months after that was when I talked to him and he confided in me about it. His mom and dad have told me to come up there to see him, but I just don't know if that's the right choice, because I don't believe that's what he wants. He has no job and is living with them and often travels to his rehab place. They text me and say they're always there for me if I need anything...however we have never had a conversation about his addiction.

Thanks for all your words...helps. Really does. Think positive thoughts for tomorrow!

findthelight

That's another book I bought...Boundaries-oh and another Codependency No More. As soon as he told me, I knew I had to educate myself for my own mind. I haven't read them all yet though...then I stumbled across this!

jjj111

Codependent No More is a good one--has helped me a lot!

allforcnm

If you ever get the chance to share your feelings with him, do it. Taking on the challenge to work on himself, improve his life is huge. Its life altering. I told my husband I was proud of him all through his rehab experience. I cannot think of one time in my life when someone told me they were proud of me and I took it negatively. I have yet to tell someone else that Im proud of them, and have them turn around and tell me what an insult it was for me to say that. Im waiting for the day I tell someone and they say something like: by saying that you took away my ability to feel pride in myself, and now
Im M-E-L-T-I-N-G !
Its ok to share what you feel

allforcnm

Blue,

I think your doing really well. I love the approach you are taking: slow and steady. My therapist told me not to try to rush through my emotions, allow myself to feel each and every one, and then I could start to understand why, and begin fixing the problem. It works well for me.

Lily1918

It breaks my heart when I see loved ones split their addict into two persons. I used to do this with D all of the time. Jeckle and Hyde. But the truth is, there is no "addict side" or "sober side"
Even addicts are consistently the same person all of the time. The "good side" you think you love is merely an illusion. When you get down to the heart and the core of what an addict is, it is the wolf, not the sheeps clothing.
If this was not true and "underneath it all we were good people blah blah blah... then we wouldnt need treatment.
Take it or leave it.
If it breaks your heart to believe this then I have probably hit a nerve.

blindsided08

I have to respectfully disagree with this statement. perhaps it's my lack of experience, I don't know. but I believe that they are two different people. at least in some aspects. i know for me
personally, the drugs had made my boyfriend a completely different person. it's like when he started using, the person inside of him disappeared. he no longer had a personality or anything. now, he is clean again and the person inside of him is back. better than ever. I think the drugs change the addict, and once they decide to stop..the sober person comes back. this is all just my honest
opinion.

Lily1918

I respect your opinion. I used to think the same way =[ oh well...
The pain is yours to bear... not mine.
One day you will see. It is the wolf that is real.
Google terminal uniqueness. ..
Peace

incitingsilence

There is this set of questions, there are a few variations out there, are you an alcoholic?

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

This one above was always my favorite, because really I have to drink to do that. Others do too…Wait didn’t anyone get the memo, the alcohol, the drug, the whatever is just a symptom, yeah just a symptom of the disease. While some drugs do heavily effect the personality one of the things that really scares me for many out there is this dismissal that it is the drug, and not the fact that the drug just lit up something already in the person.

I write it this way… and specifically I am speak of methamphetamine here.

Charming, seducing
Gently it teases
Breaks down all barriers
Exposing the inner most depths
Generating fear
Exciting the demons
That hide always waiting
All to patiently

Destruction of spirit, mind
Consumption of body
Time stutters
Focus shifts into fragmented pieces
Between the altered and true reality
All to often meshed upon the other
To honestly care has slipped grasp
Do you really want to in certain instances?
Or is that just a pretense to protect yourself?


I have always said I did nothing high I wouldn’t do straight, the only thing removed was the impulsive nature. Yeah and even in the thinking, if long enough I would just do and not care. Not healthy is not healthy, removing the drug doesn’t mean that one is now healthy in their thinking.

And in the work that has changed, which I do believe is a really good thing.

This is a such a process for both sides, and as I read this thread I have cringed a bit, shook my head some and thought oh this is gonna hurt …

I know so many are hoping the addict can just go back to what they were, but that is a huge part of the problem. If anything you should want them to be new, healthy finally, or hopefully anyway, something different….the past is not something to resurrect, you need a future with different promises.

allforcnm

I agree with this. I knew my husband before drug use started by prescription. He changed when he was using, did things that he never would have done, then once he recovered (about 17 months now) the original husband is pretty much back. He is new and improved, handles stress better, learned a lot about himself, became more confident as he resolved past issues never dealt with, etc. But he is the same man. I think all those changes happen because of what occurs in the brain during addiction, and also different drugs have different effects; show different symptoms, make people act in totally opposite ways.

incitingsilence

How do you know allfor that he did things he never would have done? He did them, no matter how you assign it all, he did exactly what he did and using is a cop out as any blame. This isn’t about it being a reflection on you, personally done to hurt you or spite you….that isn’t the point and never was.

When you make the drug the blame, as some easy excuse to explain away the obvious then who is responsible for the actions. And this also isn’t about holding them hostage and never forgiving their actions for the rest of their life…And this isn’t to assign them as evil mean people.

All addicts and codies as well will have to make their own peace with their own actions and behavior to save themselves They will also have to forgive themselves.

I won’t take anything away from my husband he is who he is.
As an observation to date… and the to date might be very important: He works using or not, he doesn’t cheat using or not. He was paranoid, jealous, arrogant, lacking in self confidence, has no self control, is impulsive, self defeating, and suicidal using or not. He blames only when he uses, he compares out only when he uses. He deflects only when using. The lies, well they were present until they weren’t for whatever his need and surely wrapped in many of the other behaviors. They also didn’t have anything to do with him using or not.

Also many of the traits displayed no matter then if he used or not changed and that would make sense since he worked on himself.

I think he is a good guy but I am not naïve enough to think that everything would be hunky dory if he went back out. That is just ignorant. Addiction is a progressive disease, and it is as simple as that. Gotta watch the he would never have, or never do…

Last I heard there wasn’t some magically crystal ball showing that unknown.

You just don’t compromise as some random act, so much is attached to propensity.

In the end, you can blame all day, or defend all day and it will still just be an easy distraction not to look at your own behavior. It is the epitome of codependency, at its best.

Lily1918

Amen silence. There is a LOT of active codependency on this board.

LoveMeNow

I agree and it's very sad. When I first joined SR, there were so many wonderful, healthy posters who really helped me out of denial. They helped me see what I couldn't or wouldn't. It's a shame so many were devalued and/ or disrespected and decided to leave.

The sickness continues to thrive.