BlueChair

(( Lily )) I dont know much about drug crimes or convictions. Is that typical 2-6 years? Im sorry, must be hard for you, has to be hard for his parents, any kids?

(( Someoneswife )) I didnt know my husband was using again until he didnt come home one night. That is how it all started for me. He was acting a little different before that, but I thought it was work stuff, he was never mean to me or anything. Im sorry for what you are going through, and I know it has to be 100x more difficult when you have kids to think about. I am not at a place right now to tell him this is it, if he relapses Im done. I think it would depend on a lot of things and I guess I dont have it all figured out yet. I hope all this counseling will help us both before he comes home.

Lily1918

Him going is the best that ever could have happened to any of us. We are all very grateful. He is getting ready to start treatment inside. I have started treatment outside. Yes. I have two kids. He is their stepdad. Kids are resiliant. It is so much better for them now. I am glad he is away because he is clean. I am clean. Ive already done the rehab dance before and Im over it. I plan on being in outpatient for at least 24 months. In my opinion 30 days isnt squat. I dont even begin to feel ok until much closer to 90, and then relapse is very very common. I really feel we both need a lifetime of treatment and we will never be well again anyway. Its like living with diabetes. Its forever, only meds just make it worse instead of better. If he could live in rehab forever I would send him.
I didnt always feel this way. I remember when I came here and I cried and it was hard, but after a few trips through the revolving door it just becomes a lifestyle. Treatment. Soberhouse. Relapse. Rinse. Repeat. I mean heroin is a lifetime thing. Always a struggle. Im not even sure IM done. I dont have the energy to give a crap about D. I lobe him, I treasure the time I have with him. Last night at NA we were talking about why so many people choose other addicts. I really dont know. Its just I feel understood by him. Birds of a feather flock together. The general agreement of the meeting was that there is no way in hell that a healthy and emotionally stable person would put up with the addict lifestyle.
2-6 years is minimal for felony drug charges. Most of the others are looking at 5-10. Arizona doesnt mess around. The drug cartel are too strong here and they are so violent. We are right by the border so dope is dirt cheap, only about $60 a gram if you do it right. Its rampant, so... ya. Get busted. Get 10 years. God is merciful though. I didnt get charged, D took the fall and he should only have to do 5 years at the most.

Sorry I sound so meh, whatever. I didnt used to... time and expierience has jaded me. I dont have hope for anyone but myself anymore. Hugs to you. It is a hard road in the beginning, but acceptance and the serenity prayer really do wonders.

someoneswife

Counseling has really really helped us. I think if I didn't have a kid a relapse would be easier to accept because it would just be hard one me and I could handle that. I can't let her feel the tug of war the drugs bring. She needs to only know a sober Daddy. If I didn't have her I don't think I could have been as strong as I've been in regards to him. Kids need stability and to know that they are loved. She doesn't need to see him like that. She's only two and way to young to comprehend that Daddy is sick and has to stay away. This 90 days has been hell for her. It breaks me heart that this has affected her. We are adults and choose our paths and we pay the consequences. Kids choose nothing and still face the cosequences of the paths we take. Even on the days when I feel like I don't deserve better I always know that she most certainly deserves better. So my boundaries are for her.

blindsided08

well, he is over a week in now and seems to be holding strong . now my feelings are changing to just wanting to work on us. I know we both have to work on ourselves, and take it day by day before we can work on our relationship. but I'm having a hard time letting the thought of not knowing go..and I'm missing him like crazy. I have been having dinner with friends, have an appt with my counselor, spending time with my family..doing things for myself. but at the end of the day, it's a struggle to go to bed without crying, or at least being upset about the what ifs. that is where I'm at today.

Lily1918

I do like to cry at the end of the day. Its when I talk to my HP. It helps. Especially if I wait to cry till bedtime. I think that many of us can relate to that for sure.

BlueChair

(( Blindsided )) Thanks for sharing here. The what if's ... I understand.

(( Someoneswife )) I have been thinking about my husbands relapse and what if it happens again, what if it happens and we have kids. He wasnt using for years, and this relapse assuming its over lasted 3 months. I didnt know about it until he didnt come home. How do you answer your child when they ask where dad is when you dont know, dads are not supposed to go missing. But if we had kids, even if I left him I mean he would still be dad. If he recovered from the relapse he would still need to be in our child's life, even if we didnt live together. But like you said it would be a broken family. Its something I have to think about. For now, I am liking the family counseling a lot, more than the me alone therapy. We need to talk about a lot before he comes home. Im scared about a lot of it.

(( Lily)) Ive read enough I think I know what place you are coming from when you talk about him going away. You and his family must have been through a lot to get to where you are. I wish something I said could help, but I know it cant. Its good you are getting well for your kids. How old are they?

BlueChair

I had my therapy session last night and it was good. I dont know if this is normal but its like right after I feel like I have been hit with adrenalin, and then by the time Im home and quiet then I start to feel sad, guilty for my feelings, scared. Then with the other appointments, days later I feel it was worth it because its made me think about things. I wish I could skip the feeling yucky part.

After the session, I got to see my husband. They always extend visiting a little so we have some time together. He asked me to come out tomorrow because he wants to talk, and I dont know if Im up to getting into serious things right now, I feel like I need more time. Some of it Im beginning to talk to the therapist by myself, and that is painful, so how can I talk to him?

jjj111

It's OK to put yourself first, Bluechair! If you're not ready to talk, you don't have to because he does. It sounds like you have been thinking deeply about things in therapy. Maybe it all needs a little time to sink in?

BlueChair

Update:

He wanted to talk about work and the legal issue. My heart is breaking for him, and Im so angry over how one mistake, led to another, and another, and another. Im so angry over how it is hurting him, and the price he has to pay for what happened in only a couple of months. Other things we need to talk about, I told him I needed more time.

Tomorrow we were supposed to have our family session again, but I told him how one of our friends has to go out of town work related on Monday, and invited a couple of us to go along. He said I should go, it would be fun for me and he was sure we could reschedule for another day this week. I told him I didnt want him to think I wasnt committed to the sessions, or that I didnt miss him and could simply go off with friends and forget all that was going on. He talked about how sorry he is all this has had to hurt me, and how I have to change my life at all because of it. His parents were going to see him today for their weekly visit.

blindsided08

I got to see my boyfriend today, after two weeks of little contact it was amazing to get to spend the day with him. We just hung out at the facility since he is on restriction, but it was still so nice to see him. He is the happiest I have seen him in a long time, and is thriving so far in his new environment. I can finally see again that glimmer of a guy that captured my heart close to 7 years ago now. <3

I must admit though that since leaving today, I'm feeling different about his recovery. I also attended my own personal counseling today, and that probably has much to do with my feelings. But I am finally beginning to understand that this is his recovery, I can only work on my own recovery. There are things I can do to make his recovery "easier" for him, like my attending al anon and beginning to understand more of what I'm dealing with but I'm finally understanding the hands off thing. It's just left me with anger though, because as I have stated before, he gets to focus on himself. It's all about him. Meanwhile I'm in the outside world, pretending like everything is hunky dory for me. I know that that is the addict, selfish. And in this instance they have to be because it is literally life or death for them, but I just needed to say it out loud I guess. It isn't fair! I also understand this is the life I am choosing, so I shouldn't complain.

Today overall was pretty successful, for every party involved. One step at a time, and one day at a time..life will sort itself out. Thank you all so much for being listening ears! Much love!

Lily1918

This was the most important lesson for me to learn. In any marriage or relationship, there are things that just arent shared. D doesnt want to use the same razor on his face that I use on my underarms. Recovery is the same way. Toothbrushes and towels are another good comparison.

BlueChair

This made me laugh so hard.

BlueChair

(( Blindsided )) Im glad you had a good day with your boyfriend. Dont know if this will help you, but I think of my husband being away in rehab, like he is away for his work. With rehab he is working on himself, and getting well.

It was funny because he said almost the same thing to me today. When I was telling him about the trip Im going on tomorrow with friends, he said not to think of his being in rehab any different than if he was at work. If we were home and I was invited, and he had to work and couldn't go, I would still go. It was confirmation for me that he knows he is there to heal and learn about himself, doing work. Very important work.

blindsided08

thanks bluechair, I needed to see that. I too have been slightly struggling with what to do. I want to be sure I can see him at times, but our schedules are different so I have caught myself avoiding making plans to see when he is free first. it's like even when he isn't in control, I try and put him in control. guess I need to learn that I can live my life, he can live his, and well be okay. it's been 2 weeks and it's all still such an adjustment. =\

also, I have read many of your posts..how long is your husband gone for? also , I noticed you're doing family counseling, while I'm aware I am not married to my boyfriend..how long was he gone before you started that? I know right now is time for my boyfriend to work on him but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious to work on us. =\ thanks for you reply in advance!

findthelight

Hello. New here. Sorry in advance for the lengthy post but wanted to share my story. Guess I'm looking for some type of insight or just an ear to listen and relate to. Met a man awhile back that impacted my life forever. Although I'm 30, first man I introduced to my parents, etc. I met his family and spent a lot of time with them. He was divorced and I was a little leery about that, but I thought the world of him. We stumbled upon something special, and of course in my opinion, was a love like no other...until one day. He became distant pretty much overnight and broke up with me over a text message, obviously breaking my heart. A man who based his character on honesty and loyalty. His parents stayed in touch with me explaining that they had never seen their son so happy and there were things I wasn't aware of but they felt it was his place to tell me which I agree. After a few texts, he finally spoke to me about 4 months after the breakup explaining it had nothing to do with me, he couldn't make me any promises, and he had demons he dealt with daily. I still had no clue what he meant exactly. All I knew is I had found something wonderful with someone so special who had obviously kept something from me. I think in my mind, my own insecurities kept believing he was just blowing me off. About a month later, we spoke again, and he confided in me that he had spent a decade addicted to pain meds, spent 3 years going to a methadone clinic which had ended 6 months prior to us meeting (not sure how that plays into the whole year before relationship advice), went to rehab, etc, and would never have gotten me involved if he knew this thing was going to rear it's ugly head again. I asked if he had relapsed-he said no...but I know he has made frequent trips up to his old rehab place. He has pushed me away and told me I had to let go and walk away-which scares me. I had learned he had cut everyone off for over a month and wasn't even talking to his parents-but still don't know a lot of details bc as I said be cut me out. He told me he can't make same mistakes he has in the past and has to learn how to take care of himself before taking care of someone else. He said he had to completely cut it off with me when he broke it off but knew he didn't handle it the right way. I understand him not wanting to tell me...I understand a healthy relationship that is right not being possible right now. I've read so many books, etc about addiction trying to educate myself about the disease which I was ignorant about. What I don't get is how he could totally cut me out of his life and tell me to walk away. I feel like I would be giving up on him if I completely walked away. I've learned how to let go bit by bit and love from afar I guess. Nothing has made me feel any differently for him and for
that my heart aches.

MiSoberbio

Let him go. If he truly is on a path of recovery, he cut contact with you because he is giving his recovery the focus it requires. It hurt you, and that's understandable, but don't make this about you. Your love cannot save him. The only way you can really help is to let go – nothing more. Even if he starts asking for help, all my experience and the experience of many, many others says, "Let go." And pray that his recovery continues, without you becoming involved.

I've been where you're at right now. Work on yourself; help yourself to move away from the pain you feel. Although such an abrupt break hurts like hell, your life goes on. Try to figure out why you are still searching for an explanation (I suspect that the answer has little to do with his behavior).

I say all this with the sincerest desire for you to feel better and be truly happy.

LeeLou3893days

I pushed people away, but these were people I used with, and that was not many. I spoke to and saw who I needed to and was pretty super solitary.. I just finished methadone at a clinic (many clinics as I moved for work, so it was always consecutively) after 10 years. For ME, allowing people in on my life who were not addicts, helped. Immensely.

The post above is correct, if that's really what this guy needs; however speaking for myself, I wouldn't have known what the hell I needed if i didn't have people who loved me around. But, I went into a program on my OWN. Which is what we all have to do.

Every time I started a relationship I had this HUGE secret I carried with me. If I'm going to be serious about a person, I told them. Whenever I told them, I always said "don't ever think you can help me in this respect or pressure me about this bc you can't be my savior".

And when I finally did tell the guy who ended up my boyfriend for 5 years, I was still using and even then I told him never to try to take my drugs from me, he couldn't help me like that and id just get more. Along with some not so nice things. He accepted me, as I was, who knows why - but after 3 months I really allowed him to see ME as in all I did to get my drugs, and THAT'S when I saw myself. Rooting through old bags and suitcases for coins to count change like a lunatic. That was something that was NORMAL to me, or had become normal rather, and when I let him see me do it, I saw myself. That's when I got help.

The fact that he shared with you, to me, is pretty huge. I had a boyfriend before I got help whom I just steady robbed blind and would shrug my shoulders when he'd wonder where his money went. I was with him for a year and never would have considered telling him. And we did not live together so taking his money was pretty obvious I'm sure. Looking back I always wondered HOW could you NOT know, or ask, or wonder at least.

He is probably embarrassed. And there is no shame in getting help. There is no shame in being methadone client. It's the deep shame that affects us all even when we REMEMBER the things we've done, and have a very real sense of embarrassment whether the person next to us is thinking about xyz or no - which usually they probably are not.

I wouldn't chase after him, but if he contacts you, well I always appreciated anyone who Knew my secret inquiring as to how I was faring. If it comes around to it, tell him you know you can't "fix" him, but you can surely be there for him. You never know what the future will bring, and words are powerful things. Your words might provide him strength.

You care for him, and what he's going through. That said, if nothing else everyone can use a friend. And the best things start with friendship.

BlueChair

(( Blindsided )) Sorry it took me so long to respond to you, I stayed away longer than I thought I would in the beginning, on the trip with friends. I came back yesterday in time to have the family session with my husband. We started it right after he had come home for the Labor Day weekend on a sort of pass I guess you could call it. I think he had been there about a month at the time, so 5 weeks in. He agreed to go for 90 days, but I dont know if that will be long enough. It is one month away, and personally I feel there is a lot we have to work on before he comes home. I want him home, but I feel like to be where I need to be mentally there is a lot to figure out before he comes home. Did that make any sense at all? Its only been a couple weeks for you and I know when it was only a couple weeks in for us, I was feeling guilty for being out here in the real world while he was in rehab. I felt sad being happy when I knew he has all this inside work to do on himself, and wasnt feeling good. But my being unhappy doesnt help him, so I have to try. I think.


((FindtheLight)) Having your boyfriend shut you out like that has to hurt, because there is probably a lot you dont understand, and things you would like to say, and like to hear from him. He may be feeling very insecure in himself right now and feels like he has nothing to offer you. My husband has already told me a few times that I should walk away, he loves me more than anything and he thinks I dont deserve this situation. His emotions fluctuate but sometimes he is angry with himself, or sad, then he will feel encouraged, hopeful. I dont know how long it takes for a person to get through a lot of the emotional things and forgive themselves, feel confident in themselves again. But I agree with that other poster, people need to know others care, are not judging them, but maybe are happy and proud of them for getting help in the first place. Please keep us updated on how you are.

findthelight

Thanks everyone for your replies. I know it's cliche to say, but relating to what other people are going through really helps.

Bluechair...I agree that they need people who care which makes me really not understand his reasoning of cutting me out of his life. It makes me so sad. I hate that while we were together I didn't know anything about his addiction, then he broke up with me and I didn't know, and didn't know until a couple of months ago. I know it has nothing to do with me, but I just wish I had known for my own feelings/actions/thoughts. Sounds ridiculous, but in my heart I felt so strongly that what we had was so special. It was a genuine love and although we weren't "together" very long, we both felt that soulful feeling. Lots of what his parents have said make me have thoughts that he got scared maybe? Anyways... It was his birthday today and I debated on whether to say anything. He sent me a text on my birthday and I just couldn't let his pass-I know everyone says walk away and let go, but I don't always agree with that 100% and have a hard time understanding all of it. I care for him so much and want him to be healthy and happy. I hate that we can't have a relationship, but my love and support for what he needs to do far outweighs anything else and I would never be "in want" of anything that may compromise his success. i did text him a message earlier wishing him happy birthday in a funny, light-hearted kind of way. I didn't hear back which makes me question my actions. However, I know in my heart I wouldn't have done it any other way and I can't put any expectations on him. I am just feeling sad because I love him and want him to be happy-especially on his birthday.

BlueChair

It was a big shock to find out about the drugs wasnt it? I think I would have wanted to have know myself. My husband was using for close to two months and I didnt know. I wish I had, and now it explains some things. I hate to say it, but inside he probably knew he couldnt maintain a healthy relationship while he was using, and he was scared of screwing up, maybe caring too much and having you be the one to leave if it went on, or maybe he was getting worse and knew he couldnt hide it form you much longer.

I think it was nice you sent him the birthday text. Doesnt sound like you ended on bad terms or anything. Its a normal thing to do, and he probably needs that. A friend remembering him and letting him know. Even if he doesnt text back, you did what you felt was right, thoughtful gesture.

What other people think, if they are your family and friends then Im sure they want to see you happy, and are only trying to express it. Other people who dont know whats going on, or only say he is an addict drop him, remember that you are the captain of your own ship, the ceo of your own company. Its ok to listen to the input of others, think about it, but we have to direct our own destiny.