Codie Relapse- After Declaration of "Done"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
Codie Relapse- After Declaration of "Done"
Two weeks ago I posted that I was done with my co-dependent relationship with a meth addict. And I meant every word.
But a week ago, the sweetest of temptations fell in my lap. The homeless, couch traveling ex called from the ER asking me to bring food and something for a headache while he waited. He had been waiting 3 hours (free care), was hungry and in pain. I caved. Triple appeal to my codie martyrdom.
Turns out he had a staph infection and a pretty brutal hole in his arm once the doctor got through with draining it. My ex was broke and needed his pain meds filled. Off to the 24 hour pharmacy we went. Warm and fuzzy feeling indulgence; hell yes, I'm fixing all of this. And then I volunteered for him to stay with me the night so he could have a clean place to recover. That turned into a week. He was sober, I'm pretty sure. And claimed that he and his traveling buddies were getting off drugs. I told him that was great to hear.
He slept on the couch, I in bed and had no physical contact. He was pretty much an ass: not on drugs and out of the limited pain killers the hospital prescribed in record time. He was pretty disrespectful and I sucked it up and just kept making sure that wound healed. On Friday, his buddy stopped by while I was at work and dropped off all my ex's belongings. When I got home and saw his stuff everywhere, I realized that he had essentially moved back in. Even though I didn't speak a word, I think my disapproval was all over my face. We argued a bit. I kept pretty calm and offered a compromise for him to stay 4 more days until he got paid from his newest job. But that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a relationship and was disgusted by the fact that I was letting him stay with me as a charity case. He said I led him on.
I told him very clearly that when I said I was done, I was done. I made the decision that I don't want anything close to exploring a relationship until he's been trough treatment and one year sober. He said "But,...but that's so much to remember." I have no clue what that means. And I didn't ask.
I don't feel like I have negated my declaration of being done. I think I tested it. I probably sent some mixed signals the first couple of days because helping him felt so great and yes...I relapsed. But if there is anything I learned by this experience, it's that I can't stand to have his life factor into my day to day life anymore. Not more than 3 consecutive days. Each day he was here, it was harder for me to tolerate it. And he was sober. Those warm fuzzy feelings of wanting to take care of him turned quickly to apathy. I never thought I would be thankful of not feeling any emotional attachment to him, or one stronger than I can control. But it's a relief. I have finally fallen out of love with rescuing him. And I am truly thankful for this day, the closest I have ever been to being free from our relationship.
I've posted a lot if replies lately to other people about what they should do. So I figured it was time to share a few of my faults again and keep it real. Still on the journey myself. And I post passionately when I need to get back on track as well.
Just hoping I'm nearing the end soon. It sure feels that way.
But a week ago, the sweetest of temptations fell in my lap. The homeless, couch traveling ex called from the ER asking me to bring food and something for a headache while he waited. He had been waiting 3 hours (free care), was hungry and in pain. I caved. Triple appeal to my codie martyrdom.
Turns out he had a staph infection and a pretty brutal hole in his arm once the doctor got through with draining it. My ex was broke and needed his pain meds filled. Off to the 24 hour pharmacy we went. Warm and fuzzy feeling indulgence; hell yes, I'm fixing all of this. And then I volunteered for him to stay with me the night so he could have a clean place to recover. That turned into a week. He was sober, I'm pretty sure. And claimed that he and his traveling buddies were getting off drugs. I told him that was great to hear.
He slept on the couch, I in bed and had no physical contact. He was pretty much an ass: not on drugs and out of the limited pain killers the hospital prescribed in record time. He was pretty disrespectful and I sucked it up and just kept making sure that wound healed. On Friday, his buddy stopped by while I was at work and dropped off all my ex's belongings. When I got home and saw his stuff everywhere, I realized that he had essentially moved back in. Even though I didn't speak a word, I think my disapproval was all over my face. We argued a bit. I kept pretty calm and offered a compromise for him to stay 4 more days until he got paid from his newest job. But that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a relationship and was disgusted by the fact that I was letting him stay with me as a charity case. He said I led him on.
I told him very clearly that when I said I was done, I was done. I made the decision that I don't want anything close to exploring a relationship until he's been trough treatment and one year sober. He said "But,...but that's so much to remember." I have no clue what that means. And I didn't ask.
I don't feel like I have negated my declaration of being done. I think I tested it. I probably sent some mixed signals the first couple of days because helping him felt so great and yes...I relapsed. But if there is anything I learned by this experience, it's that I can't stand to have his life factor into my day to day life anymore. Not more than 3 consecutive days. Each day he was here, it was harder for me to tolerate it. And he was sober. Those warm fuzzy feelings of wanting to take care of him turned quickly to apathy. I never thought I would be thankful of not feeling any emotional attachment to him, or one stronger than I can control. But it's a relief. I have finally fallen out of love with rescuing him. And I am truly thankful for this day, the closest I have ever been to being free from our relationship.
I've posted a lot if replies lately to other people about what they should do. So I figured it was time to share a few of my faults again and keep it real. Still on the journey myself. And I post passionately when I need to get back on track as well.
Just hoping I'm nearing the end soon. It sure feels that way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
What do you guys do when you feel the urge to check in or save your addicted love one?
An emergency situation or extreme need seems to be my trigger. I've finally accepted that its okay for him to be homeless while I am not homeless; that used to be a feeling of constant guilt. But layer on an emergency and I may cave again. What do you do in that situation?
An emergency situation or extreme need seems to be my trigger. I've finally accepted that its okay for him to be homeless while I am not homeless; that used to be a feeling of constant guilt. But layer on an emergency and I may cave again. What do you do in that situation?
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Kansas
Posts: 20
Thank you for posting this. I felt as if I was reading about myself and past concerns I have with my meth addict ex-husband. Emergency situation are my trigger as well. My anxiety shoots up and I can only think of an immediate solution and not long-term ramifications. More than once after we split I was concerned my ex was suicidal or was talking bizarre. I called a welfare check twice. Once, I took him to my therapy appointment because a friend called and was concerned he was severely depressed.
I don't have an easy answer. I try to work through each situation as it comes. I've learned to push aside my anxiety, stop, and ask myself: what can I contribute to this situation, am I qualified to help in this situation, how will it benefit myself or him to assist in this situation.
Doesn't always work but I keep trying.
I also tend to think that any experience which is a learning experience is a good one.
I don't have an easy answer. I try to work through each situation as it comes. I've learned to push aside my anxiety, stop, and ask myself: what can I contribute to this situation, am I qualified to help in this situation, how will it benefit myself or him to assist in this situation.
Doesn't always work but I keep trying.
I also tend to think that any experience which is a learning experience is a good one.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
No matter what the relationship, parent or partner, I have often reminded myself that "we" are not the only option for them, "we" are not even a good one since we are so emotionally attached.
If he wants to stay clean and struggles, he can go to rehab and take time to heal and learn a better way of living. The Salvation Army is free and a very good program to follow.
For my son, in hindsight, "the street" always led him back to recovery, it was not until he had lost everything else and hit the street that he would finally reach out for help. He has been missing for many years now but I no longer fear that he may be living on the street, because for him that is a strangely wrapped blessing that may lead him back to sobriety.
It's good you learned a lot about yourself through this past experience. Like an addict with drugs, you learned that you cannot take "a little bit" or "a few days" of him living with you. He heard you clearly when you set your boundaries and now he has tested them and is trying to manipulate the situation. You can continue the dance of codependent and addict or you can sit this one out...the choice is all yours to make.
Hugs
If he wants to stay clean and struggles, he can go to rehab and take time to heal and learn a better way of living. The Salvation Army is free and a very good program to follow.
For my son, in hindsight, "the street" always led him back to recovery, it was not until he had lost everything else and hit the street that he would finally reach out for help. He has been missing for many years now but I no longer fear that he may be living on the street, because for him that is a strangely wrapped blessing that may lead him back to sobriety.
It's good you learned a lot about yourself through this past experience. Like an addict with drugs, you learned that you cannot take "a little bit" or "a few days" of him living with you. He heard you clearly when you set your boundaries and now he has tested them and is trying to manipulate the situation. You can continue the dance of codependent and addict or you can sit this one out...the choice is all yours to make.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Emergencies are tough and I have no suggestions for you. The addict in my life is my oldest daughter (35). I caved and let her move back in under the agreement she was going to clean up her act and get a job. It ended up a 13 month stay, and never again will I do that.
As Ann said, we are not their only option.
Sending you hugs of support!
As Ann said, we are not their only option.
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I hope that you get him out of there soon, and then change the locks. Please do not take any money from him for rent, do not accept any mail delivered to your house for him. Do not allow him to have anything to show that your place is his residence.
He would then have rights to live there, and you will then have to have him evicted. Hope this does not become necessary since he is a couch surfer.
He would then have rights to live there, and you will then have to have him evicted. Hope this does not become necessary since he is a couch surfer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he did not have an EMERGENCY for YOU to fix. he was AT the ER and merely hungry, so he called the closest free delivery service he knew of. and some aspirin. last time i checked a wanting as sandwich and an aspirin did not constitute life threatening emergency.
you cannot save him. that is not your job. never was. nor, to be brutally honest, did you do a very good job evidently cuz now he's a homeless drug addict. see he was already on a path taking him there, and NOTHING YOU COULD DO was going to alter HIS path.
he can handle his next EMERGENCY the way he did this one...get himself to the ER...the EMERGENCY room. if he calls WANTING something from you, and that is what it will be, him WANTING something from you at no charge...like free room and board for life, only he'll call it a relationship...you do not have to DO a thing!
what you saw as a sweet temptation was really you getting used. you had something he wanted. food, money, indoor plumbing, money. that's not rescuing that is volunteering to keep playing the game and further enabling HIM.
you cannot save him. that is not your job. never was. nor, to be brutally honest, did you do a very good job evidently cuz now he's a homeless drug addict. see he was already on a path taking him there, and NOTHING YOU COULD DO was going to alter HIS path.
he can handle his next EMERGENCY the way he did this one...get himself to the ER...the EMERGENCY room. if he calls WANTING something from you, and that is what it will be, him WANTING something from you at no charge...like free room and board for life, only he'll call it a relationship...you do not have to DO a thing!
what you saw as a sweet temptation was really you getting used. you had something he wanted. food, money, indoor plumbing, money. that's not rescuing that is volunteering to keep playing the game and further enabling HIM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
If I had a nickel for every time that I "relapsed", I'd be one rich woman. Believe me, you didn't do anything that most of us have done dozens of times. We are absolutely no different than an addict. WE'RE not done until we're done.......just like they're not done until they're done.
This is a tough path. It's difficult to love an addict. And everything others have said above is true.....we aren't their only option.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
This is a tough path. It's difficult to love an addict. And everything others have said above is true.....we aren't their only option.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
KE said it well........if I had a nickel for every time......
With me, the trigger guaranteed to get results was her (minor)kid.
"Xxxx and I are stranded .....-----we ran out of
gas" type stuff. Of course, I'd get there.......no kid. "Where is Xxxx?".
"He went to get some help".
Yeah
Riggggggggghhhhhht.......
Problem was, I wasn't close enough to the situation to positively confirm that
she DIDN'T have custody of the kid.......although I am 98% certain she NEVER did.
But that damned 2%.......it was my achilles, my command override-----and
boy did she know it!
Eventually, though, via social media it becomes obvious the kid is fine,under a roof,
fed, and warm. When I had a 100% confirm that I wasn't ditching a XX yr old boy
into a crap situation (much like my own at that age.........I changed my phone # and
that was it.
I still felt triggers, as just googling her name would pull her mug shot as well as
her felony-du-jour for that time period. But she was a big girl, capable of fighting her
own battles.......and to be perfectly honest, I was tired of surrendering my lunch money.
I knew her odds, and to be blunt, her horrific prognosis did not merit any more sacrifice
on my part.
I'm sure the kids sustained major damage.How could they not after such devastating
body blows delivered by their own Mom? That woman nuked her family in mid stride and
if I live to 100 I hope to never witness anything so horriffic again.
Short version if you are pressed for time------they are very resourceful,will find
you weak spot, and exploit it mercilessly. Also, saying "Tough sh**,
you and your kid can crater for all I care"-------is NOT that easy.
With me, the trigger guaranteed to get results was her (minor)kid.
"Xxxx and I are stranded .....-----we ran out of
gas" type stuff. Of course, I'd get there.......no kid. "Where is Xxxx?".
"He went to get some help".
Yeah
Riggggggggghhhhhht.......
Problem was, I wasn't close enough to the situation to positively confirm that
she DIDN'T have custody of the kid.......although I am 98% certain she NEVER did.
But that damned 2%.......it was my achilles, my command override-----and
boy did she know it!
Eventually, though, via social media it becomes obvious the kid is fine,under a roof,
fed, and warm. When I had a 100% confirm that I wasn't ditching a XX yr old boy
into a crap situation (much like my own at that age.........I changed my phone # and
that was it.
I still felt triggers, as just googling her name would pull her mug shot as well as
her felony-du-jour for that time period. But she was a big girl, capable of fighting her
own battles.......and to be perfectly honest, I was tired of surrendering my lunch money.
I knew her odds, and to be blunt, her horrific prognosis did not merit any more sacrifice
on my part.
I'm sure the kids sustained major damage.How could they not after such devastating
body blows delivered by their own Mom? That woman nuked her family in mid stride and
if I live to 100 I hope to never witness anything so horriffic again.
Short version if you are pressed for time------they are very resourceful,will find
you weak spot, and exploit it mercilessly. Also, saying "Tough sh**,
you and your kid can crater for all I care"-------is NOT that easy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
Thank you guys. I was hesitant to post about this at first. I came out so strong with my statement of "done" and then caved. Means a lot that you were receptive.
He didn't say bye as he walked out the door Saturday. His last words to me were along the lines of "This situation says more about you than me. You'll let anyone walk all over you."
I wanted to punch him in the freaking face but remained emotionless because he was right. I did let him walk all over me for 7 days while I made life easier for him. And harder for me. It was a low blow to get back at me for making him leave but it doesn't change the fact that he was right.
I'm still enjoying relief and peace and quiet. But thank you for what you said. It's because of you guys that I have learned the things that have helped me to break away from all of this, at least start the process.
As I have said before, no one in my life knows anything about any of this or what happens. They all think its been said and done for 2 years now. I'm too ashamed to talk about it anymore. And this is a safe place. Thank you!!!
He didn't say bye as he walked out the door Saturday. His last words to me were along the lines of "This situation says more about you than me. You'll let anyone walk all over you."
I wanted to punch him in the freaking face but remained emotionless because he was right. I did let him walk all over me for 7 days while I made life easier for him. And harder for me. It was a low blow to get back at me for making him leave but it doesn't change the fact that he was right.
I'm still enjoying relief and peace and quiet. But thank you for what you said. It's because of you guys that I have learned the things that have helped me to break away from all of this, at least start the process.
As I have said before, no one in my life knows anything about any of this or what happens. They all think its been said and done for 2 years now. I'm too ashamed to talk about it anymore. And this is a safe place. Thank you!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
He didn't say bye as he walked out the door Saturday. His last words to me were along the lines of "This situation says more about you than me. You'll let anyone walk all over you."
He drew the line in the sand with that statement though....didn't he? Now it's up to you to prove that you won't allow him to walk all over you again. Good for you for remaining emotionless. Perfect. He wanted a reaction and you didn't give it to him.
I have found that each time I relapse, it's another "opportunity for growth" (I was tempted to drop an f-bomb between "another" and "opportunity"). I've had plenty of opportunities. I think I'm a slow learner. lol
You're ok. Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
Just got a text from the ex that he has found a place to live with a co-worker just down the street from me. Followed by another text inviting me over.
I congratulated him, told him I was happy for him and declined. How in the world does anyone actually think that all is solved in one night. His living with me was not the root cause of our issue, it was addiction. Whew, just had to get that out.
I'm relieved that he has a roof over his head with a co-worker so he'll get to work, and on time. But it doesn't matter if he's five minutes away or 3 hours, my butt is staying planted in my safe space.
If an emergency won't work this time or he has none, I guess sharing the good news would be the next best thing. Thank God I am exhausted from work and didn't even have to think about this one.
I congratulated him, told him I was happy for him and declined. How in the world does anyone actually think that all is solved in one night. His living with me was not the root cause of our issue, it was addiction. Whew, just had to get that out.
I'm relieved that he has a roof over his head with a co-worker so he'll get to work, and on time. But it doesn't matter if he's five minutes away or 3 hours, my butt is staying planted in my safe space.
If an emergency won't work this time or he has none, I guess sharing the good news would be the next best thing. Thank God I am exhausted from work and didn't even have to think about this one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
Totally different tone in texts this evening. Somehow homeless again for the night and pitifully sad about not having any friends. Geees, just flip a coin. Never know what you're going to get.
I held strong again and this time it was easier. Even though his situation was worse. For once, my progress in detaching makes me feel warm and fuzzy. What's that about?!?
I held strong again and this time it was easier. Even though his situation was worse. For once, my progress in detaching makes me feel warm and fuzzy. What's that about?!?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
......but Master, how will I be able to tell the good side of the force
from the bad?
"YOU will KNOW!!!"
(sorry, you asked for it with that Yoda avatar!!!)
================================
BTW, congrats on your detachment progress!
from the bad?
"YOU will KNOW!!!"
(sorry, you asked for it with that Yoda avatar!!!)
================================
BTW, congrats on your detachment progress!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hey TGIT! You were put in such a difficult situation. Try getting those calls from your children (19 & 22)? Unfortunately, I am still weak and take the bait. I am learning. I appreciate your story, it makes me think not to cave so easily in the future calls, and there will be calls until they decide that sobriety isn't that bad a place to live? Hugs to you. I wouldn't visit his new pad, tell him to text a picture instead, he'll get the message
Take care of yourself as you have taken care of us! TF
Take care of yourself as you have taken care of us! TF
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