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Will the anger go away soon?

Old 09-15-2013, 03:40 PM
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Will the anger go away soon?

Like some of you know, I was working hard into leaving my aexb, no contact at all after years of being with him thinking I was helping him fight an addiction to heroin, crack, pot, meth.

I have to say that it is working, fighting my codependence to him and his addiction has been another very difficult step in the crazyness, depressions and loneliness that have marked my life since I started being with him.

I have been able to don't look for him, don't go asking anyone info about him or his life or his addiction, and finally I can see a light at the end of this tunnel, where I can get my life and happiness back again. But in the last days I have been feeling this anger growing. Anger towards him for everything he put me through, anger towards me for putting myself in that position of vulnerabilty for so long and let him use me and abuse me constantly.

I wish I could just tell him all the damage he caused and all the frustrations I still have about it all, but I know it wouldn't make a difference and now I just have to wait for all this anger to go away. Any tips on how to get rid of all this?

Thank you, I just needed to vent a little.
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Old 09-15-2013, 03:53 PM
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it won't just GO away like magic...it takes time. the best you can do, IMO, is to go back over this relationship much akin to a mini-4th step....what happened, and how YOU acted and reacted. what prompted you to start up with him to begin? why did you think YOU could fix him? why did you stay when it going south? there are valuable lessons to be uncovered, for you. then you'll know more about how you tick, and what shortcomings you may need to work on (rescuer? martyr? low self esteem?). these becomes keys to unlocking your best future.

it's ok to angry about it! beat the pillow with a stick angry. you've been thru a lot. stay no contact. NO contact. release him. release you!
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Old 09-15-2013, 03:58 PM
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Valentina, I haven't had an "x" in so long the the anger toward one has completely gone away, and as I continue to stay sober it seems to me that time does heal all wounds. One thing I'd like to to think about is, he losing any sleep because your mad at him, NO, so pffssstttt him outta your mind, be done with him. Rootin for ya.

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Old 09-15-2013, 04:59 PM
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Valentina, search for the kubler Ross model of stages of grief.
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Old 09-15-2013, 05:08 PM
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Hi Valentina, I found one-on-one counseling to help with the anger and frustration. Someone to talk to that has your interests first. Very best wishes.
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Old 09-15-2013, 06:47 PM
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Thank you from my heart for all the advices. Right now I am working in answering those questions of why I made the decisions I made, because I really want to work in whatever it was that triggered in me that relationship.

I am looking for the Kubler Ross model, it is interesting to have more information about what you may have to go through. And I know it will continue being difficult for some time, but time will also help with it.

Tomorrow I start counseling with a person close to me, so I am sure all of that will help me get through all this bad feelings that some times just get overwhelming.

Thanks again, it is good to hear advice from people that have gone through similar things. Hugs.
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Old 09-15-2013, 07:16 PM
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its def not easy to forgive or forget them....ive gone now with about two and a half months or so with no contact and with my birthday coming up i hear that she wants to get in touch with me...ive ran through so many different scenarios of telling her how i really feel in a vicious return letter, her number is blocked so email is the only way, or just keep with the no contact and be the bigger person...i want her so bad to know the anger and hurt that i have but in the long run what does it really do for me...i think i made the decisions i made in the relationship because like everyone else here it seems i had hope that it would turn out differently. at the end of the day i think as long as i can close my eyes and sleep knowing that i did the right things by her that the next person im in a relationship with reap all of the benefits that she choose to ignore. just keep plucking along one day at a time...
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Old 09-15-2013, 09:36 PM
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The first time I went no contact with my ex meth addict, I jumped into another relationship. That helped me to feel good feelings again but was wrong because I was no where near being able to contribute in a healthy way to another person. I wasn't truly done with my ex either.
Of course, the ex came crawling back, having lost everything in his world-job, apartment, dignity- and I picked up the pieces. That lasted for 3 months but the first bump in the road came in his life and he was back to using. So I kicked him out. He would lose a job again, clean up again, I would rescue, repeat, repeat.
Eventually, I lost my taste for it and for him. He became really mean on some of his sober trips. I put myself back in the situation so many times to where I just plain lost interest in all of it. Don't get me wrong, I have urges to know if he is okay and I get lonely and depressed sometimes. But I have finally realized that every time I reach out to check in, I'm asking for the cycle to repeat. It happens every time.
For me, I just got to the point where I wasn't angry, more thankful that he wasn't around and I had to accept that whatever was going to happen with him was just going to happen.
Acknowledging your own powerlessness and accepting a certain powerlessness from your addicted partner means that you let go of all the negative emotions-the anger, the worry, the will to fight it, and all expectations. That's when you can be done. Lots of people talk about letting go and it being different from giving up. You can still hope for the best for your ex partner from a distance. And that is likely exactly the place you need to be.
Take care of yourself.
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Old 09-15-2013, 11:20 PM
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I wish I could just tell him all the damage he caused and all the frustrations I still have about it all, but I know it wouldn't make a difference and now I just have to wait for all this anger to go away. Any tips on how to get rid of all this?
Anger, believe it or not, is OK...provided you acknowledge it to yourself and don't allow it to impact your behavior or your decision making. You're right: telling your AXBF what he did would fall on deaf ears and would likely blow up in your face. So what you have to learn how to do is take that anger and live with it in your day to day life. In time, it will ebb and won't dominate your feelings as much as they are now. But If and Only If you do the proper things to take care of yourself.

ZoSo
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Old 09-16-2013, 02:45 PM
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the stages of grief suggestion is right on... i went through them all with my husband as he kept his drug abuse a secret and when it all came to light and he was 4 states away for 30 days, i literally felt like i was mourning the loss of my husband. because i was mourning the life that i knew - when i really didnt know much at all. it is hard and the anger gets better..it doesn't go away completely and you will still remember - its a survival mechanism.
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