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I believe him but no one else does

Old 09-15-2013, 08:48 AM
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I believe him but no one else does

My bf only takes his prescription meds (Suboxone & Xanax) but people still think he's using. Instead of people thinking he must be on the up & up because he's w/ me they seem to be thinking "omg why is she w/ him?!" (We have overlapping circle of friends). He's been off street pills for recreational use for years, but he's been dealing w/ the aftermath of a Dr who overprescribed. He's on a much lower dose now, but he's not been out socially in a while so folks are going off of an outdated image of him. I want to be together but he comes w/ social baggage. I have a toddler to consider. Otherwise I wouldn't care what people thought. I know he's clean.
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Old 09-15-2013, 09:24 AM
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On your other thread you said he was trying to take less than what was prescribed. Is he tapering under the guidance of his doctor?

Then you also said he has sloppy days which indicates he is either using, or abusing his prescribed meds. Just because he is on Sub doesn't mean he can't use around or on top of.
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Old 09-15-2013, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
On your other thread you said he was trying to take less than what was prescribed. Is he tapering under the guidance of his doctor?

Then you also said he has sloppy days which indicates he is either using, or abusing his prescribed meds. Just because he is on Sub doesn't mean he can't use around or on top of.

Now that is a reality check! Eyes wide open!

Passion
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Old 09-15-2013, 09:55 AM
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He does have sloppy days. Sometimes he claims to have too many on accident so he has his dad hold his meds & divy them out. But then his dad will not give him his meds on time if he's upset w/ him.
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Old 09-15-2013, 10:20 AM
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This makes me so sad because I can identify with it very much.
I was hesitant in my reply to your last thread because I believe in folks making their own decisions and interpretations of what is going on. And you will do that.
But please realize that you are making excuses for him already. People are wondering why you are with him because there is truly a reason to question why you are with him. My own mother forbid me from seeing the addict I dated because of the reputation he had. So I moved out of the house. His family was thrilled because they saw him dating me was a good sign. I felt all warm and fuzzy because I was giving someone who had a bad wrap a chance and some new positive, "street cred." It feels so good to be the one person who understands him and will be by his side, right? Right.
All that is just co-dependency in action. And after 5 years and some reflecting on myself, I know exactly why he has the reputation he has/had and exactly why I was always feeling so good about giving him a shot. I down right hated his family for not being sympathetic to my boyfriends needs. Now I know why they weren't. They been there, and done that. And were burned. Now I find myself taking the same approach with him they did. I owe them all an apology, but sometimes you just have to learn on your own.
I'm 99% sure that you have been exposed to an addictive relationship is your past and were taught at some point to enable. This situation you are in is more about you than him. I wish I could write something that would stop you from going down this path with an addict, I really do. But you have to be ready to recognize and realize that it is you who also has a problem right now. And help yourself.
Hugs. If you go down this road you'll need a lot if hugs.
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Old 09-15-2013, 10:29 AM
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I have found that it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks, what matters is what I think and what is in my heart. People who know me and who are my true friends don't judge me or my family, they support us through tough times and cheer us on through better times...or stand back without comment while we sort things out.

There is a wonderful codie saying "What others think of me is none of my business".

Don't worry so much what people think, let your own thoughts guide you and be at peace with them.

Hugs
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Old 09-15-2013, 02:19 PM
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Dear Thegirlistrying, does this still apply if he's not on street drugs? If it's prescribed do I still consider him a addict? How does that work, technically? I know AA says an alcoholic is always an alcoholic.
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Old 09-15-2013, 02:20 PM
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Dear Ann, thank you.
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Old 09-15-2013, 02:25 PM
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I am recently sober off of prescription medication (chronic pain and sleep issues) and alcohol. It doesn't matter whether the drugs I took were legal or not, prescribed or not, I took them to alter my reality. If there had been different drugs available, it is likely that I would have taken them as well.

Where there is a will there is a way....that applies to getting clean and using. You can't wish an alcoholic or addict into wanting to get well, they have to want it for themselves. It is not easy, it is doable but the nature of addiction is such that once an addict is out of immediate trouble their mind tends to go right back to using.
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Old 09-15-2013, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by TheGirlisTrying View Post
This makes me so sad because I can identify with it very much.
I can identify with what YOU said very much! That was my life for 4 1/2 years and now it's only been 9 months since I kicked him out and I'm still suffering from a broken heart.

I wish there was something I could say to you too, but we all have to make our own mistakes and hope we can pick up the pieces of our shattered souls. Good luck to you.
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Old 09-15-2013, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by jaynie04 View Post
I am recently sober off of prescription medication (chronic pain and sleep issues) and alcohol. It doesn't matter whether the drugs I took were legal or not, prescribed or not, I took them to alter my reality. If there had been different drugs available, it is likely that I would have taken them as well.

Where there is a will there is a way....that applies to getting clean and using. You can't wish an alcoholic or addict into wanting to get well, they have to want it for themselves. It is not easy, it is doable but the nature of addiction is such that once an addict is out of immediate trouble their mind tends to go right back to using.
Oh amen!
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Old 09-15-2013, 03:30 PM
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He told me he hasn't "used" in years (not counting scripts). I thought that was a good thing, right? Does that sound like I'm making excuses? I believe him, I just wanted some feedback about what recovery might look like since obviously these meds are still in his life & not always in his system in a consistent fashion. How do other folks go about taking meds (like Xanax) for anxiety & not accidently take too many? That's why he gives his meds to his dad to hold. But if his dad withholds them it throws off his balance.
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Old 09-15-2013, 04:27 PM
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Originally Posted by halliegrants View Post
He told me he hasn't "used" in years (not counting scripts). I thought that was a good thing, right? Does that sound like I'm making excuses? I believe him, I just wanted some feedback about what recovery might look like since obviously these meds are still in his life & not always in his system in a consistent fashion. How do other folks go about taking meds (like Xanax) for anxiety & not accidently take too many? That's why he gives his meds to his dad to hold. But if his dad withholds them it throws off his balance.
Hallie,

It is a good thing that he is only using prescribed meds. IF he is taking them as prescribed then personally I don't think he is doing anything wrong. Is he still addicted? Yes, but most anyone who takes those medications on a regular bases would be; at least physically.

Here is my take: People may sometimes make a mistake on their meds, but if he is a rational thinker then he will come up with a way to prevent this. It wouldn't be happening often. Ex: those little pill dispensers that are marked with day/time to take. What I would suspect is he has a tendency to take too many knowingly, perhaps because he still has some addictive tendencies, and so he asks his dad to hold them. Which is very good. It is not right of his dad to withhold the mediations if he is supposed to be on a schedule. Drugs like Xanax are benzo's - my husband abused this drug for a while. They can be dangerous if you just stop taking them, and cause serious withdrawals.

If he does have addictive tendencies, then part of his recovery would be working with his doctor on this issue also. Some type of therapy perhaps to help him learn to control, alter his behaviors related to this. Has he done anything like this?

You might get more info by reading some on this site; the suboxone forum, or just the substance abuse forum. Their is often talk of suboxone over there. I don't have personal experience with it; my husband didn't use that one.

It is wrong of people to judge him based on his past. It is part of the shame and stigma of addiction. All he can do is carry on living, and by doing this "show" others he is now back on track. Pay close attention to your own feelings and instincts. If you are not happy, or if the relationship is unbalanced for any reason, then those are clues something is off, maybe you need to look at what your getting vs giving. We all need to do this check once in a while to make sure we are taking care of ourselves, and it allows us to make adjustments as necessary.
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Old 09-15-2013, 05:08 PM
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If there is a genuine medical need for a drug then you have to weigh the benefit of a drug vs. the risk. Addiction is obviously a risk but obviously there are benefits (ie being off street drugs). Is he under the care of an addiction doctor? Suboxone is used to wean people off opiates. Xanax is for controlling anxiety. Both are addictive and dosage needs to be monitored closely and he has to adhere to the instructions of the doctor.
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Old 09-15-2013, 05:55 PM
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I think the question of whether or not he is an addict because he's taking prescription drugs versus street drugs is a red herring.

The real question is why you would want to be with an adult male who is - or feels - irresponsible enough about his medication that he has to have his father hold his medication; has not held a job for months; has not done anything constructive with his time or life except play the guitar for months; is in a power struggle with his father over who is in charge of his life; has "sloppy" days; and has many people who've known him for a long time feeling that he is not a stable stand-up guy.

You have a toddler to take care of. Your child has to come first; s/he has no one else to cherish and protect her/him.

What does this man add to your life? Can you see him as a nurturing parent for your child?

What is it about you that lets you settle for so little love and sustenance, and open yourself and your child to so much future pain?

The story here, as it is with so many of us who become involved with people who lead troubled lives and/or are addicted, is that the real story ISN'T about the other guy in our lives: it is about US.

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Old 09-15-2013, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by halliegrants View Post
He told me he hasn't "used" in years (not counting scripts). I thought that was a good thing, right? Does that sound like I'm making excuses? I believe him, I just wanted some feedback about what recovery might look like since obviously these meds are still in his life & not always in his system in a consistent fashion. How do other folks go about taking meds (like Xanax) for anxiety & not accidently take too many? That's why he gives his meds to his dad to hold. But if his dad withholds them it throws off his balance.
Oh well thanks for clearing that up. This means I wasnt an addict till I tried heroin this summer. It wasnt addiction that sent me from doctor to doctor for pain meds. I had a perscription this whole time until I lost my health insurance.

Sorry if I sound mean, but this is the denial that kept me in my own addiction for years.

Next Ill be saying only addicts shoot up. Im not an addict cuz I use pills...
Pa-leeze!!!!
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Old 09-15-2013, 08:15 PM
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Also if scripts dont count, then why in the world did my NA sponsor tell her Doctor before surgery "I am a heroin addict. I cannot be giving narcotics during or after my procedure"

Using = using
Heroin= using
Percocet =using
Oxy... roxy... suboxone... methodone...
Script or no script. Using looks like using. No ifs ands or buts.
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Old 09-15-2013, 08:17 PM
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I think the direct questions you asked me were answered already; at least, they were answered in the way that I would answer them. Addiction to a substance doesn't really vary based on whether the substance is legal or not. Those are man made rules. Addiction is nature. The two are unrelated, only to vary by the degree that society accepts them.
As far as being on subox, I don't have experience with it except in an employment environment. Technically, subox is a recovery drug and part of a recovery process. Folks who are in drug recovery are protected by the ADA. Which means they shouldn't be fired from a job for the use of the substance and if prescribed accurately, the drug should not cause any of sort of inebriation. It in theory restores normalcy.
Again, that is law, not always reality. Patients communicate to their doctors what milligram feels normal to them. So the addict is essentially in control or has influence over their dosage. The ones I know, feel comfortable at a level that causes some sort of inebriation. If it didn't, the addict wouldn't be so hell bent on taking it. It would be like taking a vitamin if the addict didn't have some benefit. In my opinion, opiate replacement isn't recovery. But that's just my opinion.
You have a child to take care of. Why try to take care of someone else too? This person will eventually put you in a situation where you will have to choose what is more important. Your relationship with a man, your relationship with your child, or your general care of yourself. Sustaining as the caretaker of essentially 3 people will leave you drained and disdained.
If he's wonderful in your eyes now, he can be really wonderful a year from now when he may have his life under control.
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Old 09-15-2013, 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by halliegrants View Post
He told me he hasn't "used" in years (not counting scripts). I thought that was a good thing, right? Does that sound like I'm making excuses? I believe him, I just wanted some feedback about what recovery might look like since obviously these meds are still in his life & not always in his system in a consistent fashion. How do other folks go about taking meds (like Xanax) for anxiety & not accidently take too many? That's why he gives his meds to his dad to hold. But if his dad withholds them it throws off his balance.
Suboxone isn't a take as needed medication, it should be taken at the same time everyday...depending on his dosage it could be a few times a day. There should always be a therapeutic level in his system in a consistent fashion. Xanax on the other hand is generally a take as needed medication like if someone has anxiety when flying, or is prone to panic attacks...though it also can be taken on a regular basis too.

Having a loved one control the medication and be the pill police rarely works. Either the addict becomes abusive demanding the doses and the loved one can't say no when the addict makes demands, or the loved one withholds the prescribed amount. And, in the case of the Xanax unless his dad is shadowing him 24/7 he could have a full blown anxiety attack before he could get his medication.

And, as I said above, he should not be having sloppy days at all unless he's abusing other drugs or the drugs he is prescribed.
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Old 09-15-2013, 09:15 PM
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Have you really found out why the medication is rationed by the father?
Withholding it may be a control thing, which means you now have two whacky people on your hands to deal with.
What event led to the father being in possession?
When you describe that the guy doesn't get his meds when his dad is mad at him, why is the dad mad at him? Maybe the dad is mad because the son is begging for more meds not because the son forgot to mow the lawn or something...You are just getting one side of the story perhaps?
If you are going to even consider perusing this, you should know much more about that father/son dynamic and how that arrangement came to be. There's a story there...
But side note: I still think you should run.
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