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Please help understand

Old 09-14-2013, 06:32 PM
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Please help understand

Please help me understand
Hi. 3 years ago this month my husband entered detox for an Oxy habit after the third time getting "caught". I did not "catch" him because he looked high or I saw him taking pills, I simply caught him by his behavior. Money problems, going to store for a quick errand to come back an hour later. His excuse was "I saw someone and we were shooting the [email protected]". I have three kids and life was busy on its own. I started looking at his phone calls because I thought he was cheating. Long story short he had an addiction. Three years ago I only asked him to never lie to me. He had done a number on my ability to trust. I stood by him and life went on. In rehab suboxone was spoken about he instantly wanted to go that route. At that time during a meeting with the social worker I voiced my opinion. Coming out of rehab detoxed before therapy would that be the answer? I thought he should do the program before he jumped on what I felt was substituting oxy for suboxone. It was just my opinion. Suboxone was never mentioned again.

Lets just say the past two years have been tough. I asked he show me all his business transactions and let me handle the money because he was taking money off the top to fund his habit. And that he never lie and be honest no matter how bad it was. He agreed. Not once did I see paperwork or checks from jobs nor did I ever feel he was being honest. Something in my gut wasn't right. Fights tears broken promises, the works. I felt like he was using but how could I tell. Looking back I drug tested him and it came back neg but it was always after days of turmoil so it gave him time to clear his system.

His work has suffered, customers not happy, world is crashing in. He is painfully thin. He told me recently after a blowout...he has been out of the house for two months begging to come back...that the only thing he does "occasionally" is suboxone. He told me he goes to a clinic when he gets cravings. Now I'm not up to date on suboxone but I don't think that's how it works. I told him I wanted to go to the clinic with him cuz I didn't buy it. He said it was confidential and they don't keep records. Dang he thinks I'm dumb. Finally comes out he buys them off the street and has been for two years. Takes them everyday. Didn't want to go to doctor cuz he didn't want it on our health insurance records in case I found out.

So he lies to me every time I have a break down crying begging him to tell me what is going on. He never said anything about his suboxone. For two years he never felt I needed to know this even when I was threatening divorce cuz I suspected drug use because he never changed his behavior. The same behavior that caught him the first time. I ended up in the ER cuz I had chest pain from the stress ( I never go to ER) he watched and never felt he should say "don't worry I'm not because of....and told me about suboxone?.

I feel it's not the case and something else is going on. How can he lie to me for two years??? He is illegally buying drugs, using our money, lying. How is this different. And WHY wouldn't he go to his dr and do it the right way?? He tells me he didn't tell me cuz I would be mad cuz I said no in the beginning. For the record I never said no!

Please someone Help me. Does this seem normal or do I have a bigger problem here? I am completely ready to divorce him. His behavior has caused a mental warfare in my mind for the last two years b
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Old 09-14-2013, 08:27 PM
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My AH used suboxone on days he didn't want to be sick. Its possible to use seboxin and get high 8-12 hours later depending on how they feel. This toxic Mix can cause respitory depression. It sounds like this is what hes doing Bc the suboxin is cheaper and helps carry him from one high to the next. Behavior is a HUGE red flag. I count that more then catching him in the act. I don't need proof. He has all the tell tale signs when hes up to old tricks. Addiction is a disease. He sounds like hes on a downward spiral. Sorry. I wish I could tell you differently.
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Old 09-14-2013, 08:31 PM
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I would like to add.... my AH was prescribed subs and sold and traded them. Drug dealers sell subs along with opiates and whatever else. He needs to clean up. Subs only work if you want them too. My husband relapsed while taking them
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Old 09-15-2013, 04:56 AM
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Thank you. Yes, I already know the answer. Sometimes you just need someone else to see it too. As you probably know they can get you to believe anything. One thing I can say about the man I married....never did I not trust him. I don't know if he will ever admit it all. I have kids I have to think about. What a mess.
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Old 09-15-2013, 05:20 AM
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Subs make withdrawl less noticable to others. It still is crazy mentally but it hides the physical withdrawl enough that it enables you.

Unless you want recovery. Then you taper off of them once the major withdrawls are over.
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Old 09-15-2013, 11:15 AM
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Thank you. I wish I found this site 3 years ago. He is pulling the "i cant believe you are bailing on me". I can make no sense of him buying Suboxone on the street taking it every day for the last two years, spending money we dont have. His addiction put us into financial disaster to the point of a potential forclosure. He is spending money behind my back when he could do it the right way? Money we dont have. We have insurance. He has a doctor?!!

Help me he is trying his best to convince me he did this for me to stay sober. Nothing else. He wanted to tell me but was afraid. Is this even logical?!
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:05 PM
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Sounds like you are being very realistic about what is going on with your husband. I admire that--I know how tempting it is to sink into listening to what the addict says and not what they do. My sister has been telling me for years that she is only on suboxone. I don't live nearby, so it was only last year, when I happened to see a text message she wrote asking her boyfriend for pills, that I realized that she wasn't being honest. It's interesting to know what another poster mentioned, that they can still get high not long after taking suboxone--she had led me to believe that it made it impossible for her to enjoy opiates.

Anyway, I can identify with the betrayal you are feeling. I think I have gotten in bad cycles with my sister and other addicts in my life of trying to rescue them or sticking with them in the hope that they would change as they promised, and then feeling angry and betrayed when nothing changed. The good news is that you are always free to set boundaries that can help you escape that cycle and live a happier life!
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:26 PM
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Is he willing to go into treatment? Maybe you can say to him is if we was to go into detox and then rehab and stay clean for a period of time, I will hold off on the divorce. If not, I am not willing to go on like this forever and need to get on with my life and for you to get on with your own.
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:54 PM
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Hes not admitting to a problem. He claims he has not done drugs (oxy) for three years. But he started the suboxone 2 years ago. The behavior never changed and everything is spiraling out of control. If he was sober our life would look very different. It seems like its going backward. How do you just stary taking suboxone a year into your sobriety? Does that make sense?
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:08 PM
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Maybe it's not so important whether he is on suboxone or other opiates? Maybe the more important thing is that he is displaying many signs that his drug taking is harming him and those he loves? Figuring out what you are willing to tolerate in terms of financial instability, worry, and so on is probably just as important as figuring out whether you are willing to tolerate one opiate or another?
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:16 PM
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In a marriage, in any relationship, there has to be trust. The trust is gone. I dont understand the details of this world. Thats why i am here. To heal and to try and understand. I have three children to protect. I do need to know. Not to stay in this relationship, but to not come off like a rabid animal spitting out things i know nothing about. If it makes no sense to start taking suboxone 1 year after detox/therapy them i would like to know that. Maybe i am still searching for something that i can say "gotcha" i dont know.
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:22 PM
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To me, if you are taking suboxone on a maintenance plan just enough to avoid withdrawals, you would be less likely to see all the other addiction issues. The mood swings, the hiding of money to the degree he is doing, the lying, the manipulation, job and family issues, and so on. Sounds like active addiction to me, whatever that addiction is. There is also more to recovery then just avoiding your drug of choice (if he actually is). There are those that abuse suboxone. Not sure how it is done, but I know some do it.

Either way, I think you stop looking at whatever drug he is using, etc, and look at his behaviors. Are they acceptable from a husband, partner or father? If not, take whatever actions to protect your family from his instability. If he decides to get help, truly work on his recovery from the ground up, those are his choices. Your choice is what behavior do you find unacceptable and how do you handle that.
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:24 PM
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Thank you. You are right. So right.
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:25 PM
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I think many people who become involved in an intimate relationship with an addict have a need to monitor the addict's progress, especially when they have lost trust in the addict to be honest about what is going on. It make sense that you want a better sense of how your husband is doing. But you have mentioned a lot of circumstances (weight loss, financial instability) that make it pretty clear ho he is doing. It sounds like his addiction is causing serious problems, whether that addiction is to suboxone or other opiates as well. Only you can decide whether you are willing to tolerate the worry that comes along with being involved with him.
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Old 09-16-2013, 09:55 AM
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I learned from SR here that "addiction looks like addiction, and recovery looks like recovery". From what you are saying is it looks like he is in active addiction. I understand that you are no longer living with him, right? Are you and the children dependent on him financially? Can you make it on your own?
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Old 09-16-2013, 11:11 AM
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It makes sense that he would start using suboxone a year after staying sober if he relapsed and didn't want you to find out about it. There is a lot of shame that comes along with being an addict. It's not something addicts are proud of.
My AH used suboxone correctly first, and then thought he could use it intermittently in between his highs. While he was using it correctly he wasn't acting like an active user. His behaviors returned (lying for no reason) and other little things only a wife would notice. Then he denied until he was blue in the face.. but at that point didn't believe him. There is nothing we can do to stop them, until they are done. Get out of the way. He will try and get you to stay, because i'm sure you make HIS life great. An addict can love you, but they can't love you more than their drug until they are out of active addiction. It's a very hard truth that I didn't care to swallow. My AH is in jail for his actions and hopefully will be attending a 14 month program for rehabilitation. I hope this will get him some sanity back. Maybe, I can have our family back... maybe not. We are all here together. Good luck.
I would like to add that Active addiction cannot hide forever. It will try. It cannot stay hidden forever. It will come out of the closet one way or another. It's not our job to "catch" them. I simply told him " I know your using!, If you act like a duck and quack like a duck but TELL me your not a duck and expect me to believe you - who is the real idiot!!" I left it like that and stopped making him dinner... and only made me and the kids food. ... Life as a wife of an AH is madness.
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:25 PM
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Yes it is madness. Thats why I am out. Well he is out. I can support myself and my three kids fortunately. I am a nurse and worked off shifts while my kids were growing up. Recently took a job that came along with a pay increase because i knew this was coming. I will be ok. I have hope. The pain he has caused....well im sure you all know.
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