It's always the mom
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Addicts will protect their addiction at all costs, and that is what your daughter is doing. She is trying to manipulate you and guilt you, but you need to remember that her addiction is her choice, not yours. You can't love someone into sobriety.
For your sanity and well-being, try not to engage her. She's looking for a target and you have a big bulls-eye on you. As long as she focuses on you, she doesn't have to focus on herself and deal with HER issues/problems. Tell her you'll have a civilized, respectful conversation with her when she is sober.
As far as your husband, maybe you can get some legal advice on how to proceed. I'm not necessarily talking divorce, but more on the lines of financial responsibility. Why are you carrying so much of the burden? It seems that he's more interested in protecting himself than his family. You need someone on your side. Good luck.
For your sanity and well-being, try not to engage her. She's looking for a target and you have a big bulls-eye on you. As long as she focuses on you, she doesn't have to focus on herself and deal with HER issues/problems. Tell her you'll have a civilized, respectful conversation with her when she is sober.
As far as your husband, maybe you can get some legal advice on how to proceed. I'm not necessarily talking divorce, but more on the lines of financial responsibility. Why are you carrying so much of the burden? It seems that he's more interested in protecting himself than his family. You need someone on your side. Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Yes, unfortunately my husband is spoiled and prefers to run from problems that may "embarrass" him. He always has. He also has many anger issues, and will blame anyone but himself when things go wrong. Like the girls being addicts, that's not in HIS family. Well, dear, it is now, instead of looking for someone to place the blame on, lets look for ways to help our children, lets educate our selfs on addiction, take advice and follow thru on it. Not run from it. It's really hard on me to help one addicted child( well actually adult) yet alone two. Please don't give them so much money, I know where it's going, to their friend Heroin, not food. The girl lies. I finally saw it. I was her target, now she has targeted you. And to leave me here alone to watch these two beautifully loved children suffer by their own hand, is killing me inside. I die each day from helplessness. It's been three weeks now that you have not been home. You won't answer my calls, you ignore me. Do you feel better making me feel guilty? Well, maybe you do, and maybe that's your addiction...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hello SR and Friends, Another confused painful day is starting I'm afraid. At church this morning, our Pastor was talking to us about prayer is...well to me it makes me anxious. To give up all my worrying to God and let him take charge, seems frightening to me. I am one of those moms that needs to fix their children's problems. My God is an all forgiving God, but this addiction my girls are in seems to be a sin that is unforgivable, to me IMO. It's so hard on my mind to walk away, to give it up to let it go. This makes me feel like I don't care. I care very much, too much. The Pastor said to worry is to doubt Gods power. I don't doubt his power, I doubt that my family will be healed, that my mind will not relax. I constantly worry, is she warm, hungry, happy, thirsty, is some hurting her etc. it's a mothers curse. I simply can't give up on her nor do I want to give up on helping (not enabling) her. I almost feel like I'm going crazy with helplessness. The why question seems to be bothering me these days. Why my child, why my family, why me? All I ever wanted in life was to be a nurse (retired now) be in a family who loves me and the most desired thing I ever wanted in my life was to be a mom. I'm no longer working, my family is in shambles...no love there, and I feel like I have failed the most fulfilling job that God has asked of me, I've failed to be a mom. Addiction has taked that role from me, stole that role from right under my feet. Prayer, I will pray for peace and health. The answers are simple ones, yes, no or maybe. I also pray that everyone of my friends in SR, have a peaceful, healing worry free week. We deserve a small break once in awhile, don't we? TF
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Twofish,
You didn't fail at anything, and anyone who tells you different is a fraud
who has some angle they're trying to pull on you.
The society I live in has been on a "it's all YOUR responsiblity" kick for 40+
years now. Another fraud. Diplomacy fails and a nuclear weapon hits your
town.....somehow it's your fault. BULL.............CRAP!!!!!!
The person I cared about was in the blast radius of a particularly horrific fraud
that began with the "5th vital sign" movement (pain), that led directly to Big Pharma
being given the green light to market heroin (essentially) as 'medicine' .As a nurse,you
were probably given a front row seat to that one.
Yes, the individual decisions are primary, and I have lived a fantastic life & raised
great kids with that tenet firmly in mind-----but it is a lie that society plays no part,
that you can raise a Brady Bunch family in war torn Beirut.
Do you know what all those 'others' will never reveal to you as look at THEIR
families from the 'outside'? How much freaking LUCK is involved in the process.
Pure,cruel,and uncaring luck. Funny thing about the lucky----they ALWAYS ascribe
their success to (((fill in the blank))).........Just know it's BS.
You are a retired nurse,obviously a good one .....or you wouldn't have made it to
retirement.None of this is payback or ANYTHING like that.....so please stop beating
yourself up.
(executive summary if you have no time to waft through my bull.... )
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.YOU DIDN'T FAIL AT ANYTHING!
You didn't fail at anything, and anyone who tells you different is a fraud
who has some angle they're trying to pull on you.
The society I live in has been on a "it's all YOUR responsiblity" kick for 40+
years now. Another fraud. Diplomacy fails and a nuclear weapon hits your
town.....somehow it's your fault. BULL.............CRAP!!!!!!
The person I cared about was in the blast radius of a particularly horrific fraud
that began with the "5th vital sign" movement (pain), that led directly to Big Pharma
being given the green light to market heroin (essentially) as 'medicine' .As a nurse,you
were probably given a front row seat to that one.
Yes, the individual decisions are primary, and I have lived a fantastic life & raised
great kids with that tenet firmly in mind-----but it is a lie that society plays no part,
that you can raise a Brady Bunch family in war torn Beirut.
Do you know what all those 'others' will never reveal to you as look at THEIR
families from the 'outside'? How much freaking LUCK is involved in the process.
Pure,cruel,and uncaring luck. Funny thing about the lucky----they ALWAYS ascribe
their success to (((fill in the blank))).........Just know it's BS.
You are a retired nurse,obviously a good one .....or you wouldn't have made it to
retirement.None of this is payback or ANYTHING like that.....so please stop beating
yourself up.
(executive summary if you have no time to waft through my bull.... )
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.YOU DIDN'T FAIL AT ANYTHING!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
How is worrying going to make things better? How does it help you or your family? It doesn't. You're creating these scenarios in your head that may or may not be true and you're letting it take over your life. This leads to more worrying, anxiety, guilt and depression. It becomes a never ending cycle until we decide to break it.
Have you read the stickies on this forum? If not, I recommend that you do. Your daughter will get help when SHE is ready, not when you want her to. Until then, work on yourself. Work on staying healthy, both physically and mentally, so that when she does turn to you for help, you'll be better equipped to help her. Wishing you all the best.
Have you read the stickies on this forum? If not, I recommend that you do. Your daughter will get help when SHE is ready, not when you want her to. Until then, work on yourself. Work on staying healthy, both physically and mentally, so that when she does turn to you for help, you'll be better equipped to help her. Wishing you all the best.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I agree with vale. It not your fault. Think this carefully, is there anything you did to make your children run to drugs? I went through the same process myself. Why did my son become addicted. In the end the conclusion leads to the 3c"s.
This is a disease of choice. Most kids play with fire, some like ours get burned. Your pastor is right. God loves our child more than we do and can take care of them better than we do. All we can do is stay close, but not get sucked into their chaos. God bless.
This is a disease of choice. Most kids play with fire, some like ours get burned. Your pastor is right. God loves our child more than we do and can take care of them better than we do. All we can do is stay close, but not get sucked into their chaos. God bless.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I lived a fear filled life for a very long time. My fear for my son's life consumed me. I lost sleep. I worried constantly. I couldn't concentrate. I was such a bundle of nerves that I could barely function. Addiction was taking me down...... I couldn't surrender this problem to God because.....the thought of doing so scared the bajeebers out of me. Like you said.....it wasn't that I didn't trust in God so much as I just didn't trust anything. I didn't trust addiction. I didn't trust my son.
I found help. I NEEDED help. I couldn't do it alone. The support you are getting here on SR is available in a face-2-face format as well....that is where I found peace. But peace didn't find me......I went in search of it. I was willing to work for it.
Love doesn't cure addiction. And in some cases (mine for instance) we can love them to death.
It is HARD to let go and let God. Very hard. And for me, I couldn't do it all at one time. I had to start with "let go or be dragged".....because I could understand that. It took a very long time to get to the point that I can let go and let God. And still try to take that steering wheel back from him sometimes. 20/20 hindsight I wish I'd gotten there sooner but I didn't. Sometimes we need a roadmap on how to let go. I found that road map in the 12 steps of Nar-Anon (and private therapy). I worked the program I wished my son would work. Although I am not 100% worry-free.....it is 90% better.....and 90% better is marvelous!
Nar-Anon isn't for everyone but it worked for me and it has worked for so many of the people I know (and have come to love).
I can't imagine having two addicted adult children......one is more than enough.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I found help. I NEEDED help. I couldn't do it alone. The support you are getting here on SR is available in a face-2-face format as well....that is where I found peace. But peace didn't find me......I went in search of it. I was willing to work for it.
Love doesn't cure addiction. And in some cases (mine for instance) we can love them to death.
It is HARD to let go and let God. Very hard. And for me, I couldn't do it all at one time. I had to start with "let go or be dragged".....because I could understand that. It took a very long time to get to the point that I can let go and let God. And still try to take that steering wheel back from him sometimes. 20/20 hindsight I wish I'd gotten there sooner but I didn't. Sometimes we need a roadmap on how to let go. I found that road map in the 12 steps of Nar-Anon (and private therapy). I worked the program I wished my son would work. Although I am not 100% worry-free.....it is 90% better.....and 90% better is marvelous!
Nar-Anon isn't for everyone but it worked for me and it has worked for so many of the people I know (and have come to love).
I can't imagine having two addicted adult children......one is more than enough.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Twofish, I've been following your story and I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I can surely relate.
I want to share with you a few random points that I have learned since a member here at SR. I doubted each and every on at first, but now I realise where others were coming from.
(((Hugs)))
I want to share with you a few random points that I have learned since a member here at SR. I doubted each and every on at first, but now I realise where others were coming from.
- Worry won't change a thing as far as the outcome. You can either be sad and worrisome, or not be. The outcome ( is she sad, hungry, cold etc etc etc) will still be the same. If you find she IS one of the above, you can then decide what to do. I spent hundreds of sleepless nights waiting for the phone to ring telling me something terrible had happened. The only time it rang at an inappropriate hour was when he needed money
- Addicts are very, very manipulative. My son would call and say he hadn't eaten for days, yet I would learn that he had just had dinner with a friend an hour earlier. They also know very well our Achilles heal. Threaten to harm yourself and mom will be there to rescue. With my son, I found this terribly sad but true
- We can't see clearly from inside the twister. Everything seems a swirling mess. Stepping away can at least let you take a clear look at what is going on. It's not promising to walk away for good, not an oath to never ever help again, it's just a break to clear your head.
- I spent my entire savings and many stress filled years trying to stay one step ahead of his consequences. I didn't want him to "ruin" his life. It only prolonged the outcome and left me broke. He still lost his job, owes fines, lost his license, ruined his credit.
(((Hugs)))
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Twofish 
Yes, unfortunately my husband is spoiled and prefers to run from problems that may "embarrass" him. He always has. He also has many anger issues, and will blame anyone but himself when things go wrong. Like the girls being addicts, that's not in HIS family. Well, dear, it is now, instead of looking for someone to place the blame on, lets look for ways to help our children, lets educate our selfs on addiction, take advice and follow thru on it. Not run from it. It's really hard on me to help one addicted child( well actually adult) yet alone two. Please don't give them so much money, I know where it's going, to their friend Heroin, not food. The girl lies. I finally saw it. I was her target, now she has targeted you. And to leave me here alone to watch these two beautifully loved children suffer by their own hand, is killing me inside. I die each day from helplessness. It's been three weeks now that you have not been home. You won't answer my calls, you ignore me. Do you feel better making me feel guilty? Well, maybe you do, and maybe that's your addiction...
I had to respond to this post because of something that jumped out at me. The way you describe your husband's behavior sounds very much like addiction to me! It may not be to a substance but the desire to escape and blame others sounds very much like addiction.
We addicts use substances to escape our pain but your husband seems to be using anger, blame and denial to escape his. I agree with others that you need as much support for yourself as you can get, financially, emotionally, spiritually and you are clearly not getting it from your husband. Please keep reaching out until you find that support, it will come!
I hope that you will take all the good advice here, most important is to stop listening to the lies your daughters and husband's addictions are telling you. You are NOT to blame. Addiction is an illness that strikes anyone, anywhere, anytime, no matter whose family it appears to be in. And that is just one of the many risk factors anyway.
Please stay here on SR, stick with your therapy, try a new group if the current one is not giving you what you need, read books that others suggest but most importantly, take care of yourself first! Remember that oxygen mask analogy I keep harping on about. You have to take care of you first!
As always, you are in my healing thoughts, heart and prayers. Your friend, Lyoness =^o^=
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Twofish
Hello SR and Friends, Another confused painful day is starting I'm afraid. At church this morning, our Pastor was talking to us about prayer is...well to me it makes me anxious. To give up all my worrying to God and let him take charge, seems frightening to me. I am one of those moms that needs to fix their children's problems. My God is an all forgiving God, but this addiction my girls are in seems to be a sin that is unforgivable, to me IMO. It's so hard on my mind to walk away, to give it up to let it go. This makes me feel like I don't care. I care very much, too much. The Pastor said to worry is to doubt Gods power. I don't doubt his power, I doubt that my family will be healed, that my mind will not relax. I constantly worry, is she warm, hungry, happy, thirsty, is some hurting her etc. it's a mothers curse. I simply can't give up on her nor do I want to give up on helping (not enabling) her. I almost feel like I'm going crazy with helplessness. The why question seems to be bothering me these days. Why my child, why my family, why me? All I ever wanted in life was to be a nurse (retired now) be in a family who loves me and the most desired thing I ever wanted in my life was to be a mom. I'm no longer working, my family is in shambles...no love there, and I feel like I have failed the most fulfilling job that God has asked of me, I've failed to be a mom. Addiction has taked that role from me, stole that role from right under my feet. Prayer, I will pray for peace and health. The answers are simple ones, yes, no or maybe. I also pray that everyone of my friends in SR, have a peaceful, healing worry free week. We deserve a small break once in awhile, don't we? TF
I want to remind you to breathe first and foremost. We simply stop breathing when we are stressed, especially stressed this deeply, and it literally alters what happens in our brains, making everything that much more difficult and impossible feeling.
When you feel yourself starting to drown in worry, in the "what ifs" just breathe. You don't have to deny your feelings but just set them to the side for the moment while you focus only the breath that is coming in and out of your body. Take a deeper breath. Feel the air going down into your belly and then breathe it out. Let that in/out of air be all that you pay attention to even for just a few moments.
And if you haven't yet, put up those little signs like we talked about before, things that are TRUE that you wish to affirm. Place them where you will always see them, kitchen, bathroom, walls, floor, ceiling, your wallet. Remind yourself of the truths and realities that all of the chaos tries to deny you of. And in those truths please put first and foremost that you are a good and loving and kind woman and mother! That you hold no blame and that you are always doing the best you can!
Okay? Please take good care of you--you deserve it and you need it!
Lyoness =^o^=
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Thank you everyone, no one has ever cared for me as much and as sincerely as the SR family has. It brings me to happy tears to know I'm not going thru this alone. I am afraid. Also, Lyoness, you know me so well, I always hold my breath, I guess I'm waiting for the next bomb to fall on me. Today I will stop crying for awhile, have happy thoughts and not be so negative about my life. Hugs to all my friends here...TF
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Twofish, Your post reminded me of myself I also have two addicted grown children, unlike you I was not going too church and had no pastor/preacher I could not understand Let Go let God. I am the mom so surely I could do something after all that is what mom's do right? Well it just doesn't work that way well I take that back in reality what we mom's can do is...
Stop blaming ourselves...
Detach with love...
Work a program like we wish our addicted loved ones would and keep working it...
Love but not enable...
Love but not love them too death...
Love but allow our children the dignity to live their lives as they see fit...
Step off that merry-go round....
About letting go and letting God, I realized after much time here and at meetings that I unintentionally was trying to do things/ force things/ control things/ take Gods place I can't be God only God can.
I know your pain so well, I have walked your path and still do in some ways for me personally I find that when I go to bed at night and say my prayers I end my prayer by placing each of my children in Gods loving arms and hands and I visualize this as I call out each persons name and I picture god holding them and I pray that his will be done some how this brings me peace.
Your never walking alone...
Stop blaming ourselves...
Detach with love...
Work a program like we wish our addicted loved ones would and keep working it...
Love but not enable...
Love but not love them too death...
Love but allow our children the dignity to live their lives as they see fit...
Step off that merry-go round....
About letting go and letting God, I realized after much time here and at meetings that I unintentionally was trying to do things/ force things/ control things/ take Gods place I can't be God only God can.
I know your pain so well, I have walked your path and still do in some ways for me personally I find that when I go to bed at night and say my prayers I end my prayer by placing each of my children in Gods loving arms and hands and I visualize this as I call out each persons name and I picture god holding them and I pray that his will be done some how this brings me peace.
Your never walking alone...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Crazybabie, You too have wise words to give me. To let it go and give it up to God makes me feel like I have failed as their mother. But I couldn't stop it, prevent it or cure it. The blame and guilt is so internally painful, nothing like external type pain. It's a pain no pill can help. It's a pain that lasts forever, or longer that I would ever expect it to. And as far as being a nurse, that really makes me feel like a failure. How did I miss the signs? For me to detach from her is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. Am I loving her to death? It does feel like it. And as far as my AD being a master of manipulation. She can look me in the eye and lie. It's so sad, and the worry emotion. That's the worst. It's like I wait for bad news and cruel texts that make no rime or reason at all. On the other hand, is she suffering as much or at all as I am? What is she feeling? Is she feeling guilt? I know she plays the blame game very well. What is she feeling or thinking about when she is using? Do I go thru her mind, does she even love me, except when she wants money. Yes, today I feel like a failure. I have failed my child today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
((((TwoFish))))) Breathe...
I went and read many of your threads and wow our stories have a lot in common which is not unusual with addiction First I would like to say again your not a bad mother, this, is NOT your fault there is no perfect parent but I can see from what you write you love your children very much you seem to be overall a very loving and caring person.
As, far as the nurse part addicts hide things very well... you did not fail there either.
I saw some post about one of your children getting your check I would like to share some of my journey with you it is a bit lengthy ...
My husband and I met when I was 15 and him 16 we have been together every since I am now 48 we both smoked pot him everyday and me occasionally at that time we married when I turned 18. We have 3 kids 2 are addicts the other has tried drugs.
My oldest son has a DX of schizoaffective and anti-social personality he has put me through hades and back he started seeing and hearing things at age 6 and later I am not sure exactly when he started self medicating. I finally had to call the police and make reports and press charges against him when his stealing from us continued. I realize at this point that may seem horrid that I did that but you see when we keep letting them do these things what are we teaching them?
I was teaching my son it was OK... I was taking the life lesson away because I loved him and I didn't want him in jail. I just knew if I tried to be a better mother he would be ok again stinky thinking.
My middle son had Hodgkin s Lymphoma, diagnosed at stage 4 he was age 14 I had no clue but he was already smoking pot then he did 6 rounds of chemo and 30 radiation treatments we had to go out of town for treatments, while he was going through this my oldest got worse and my baby(daughter) was put in the hospital for anorexia and my hubby was off doing his thing while I tried managing all this.
Yet, I blamed me I thought surely I was a terrible person after all why would God let this happen if I wasn't???
Later down the road my middle son joined our local Sheriff Cadet's program and at age 18 he was the youngest in our county to go through the Sheriff's Reserves and graduate it for some reason it all went downhill from there.
he had a drug overdose in January 2009, he was laying dead in my living room thankfully CPR got him back and the ambulance arrived soon after he was on a vent for a short amount of time the month before my daughter's bf had died from an overdose he was at that funeral I just could not understand.
He still chooses to use he can't be at my house high he respects and doesn't cross those boundaries.
The things your daughter says to you well just because she says them that does not make them true I see your struggle you want everything fixed you want your girls to be whatever you imagined for their future and this sure wasn't it.
Addicts, manipulate so do codependents we all know where each others buttons are and it is obvious your daughter knows yours just as my sons knew mine.
Have you read Codependent No More? That was a good starting place for me and many others here. I really do understand if you if read, post and work on you I promise things will change for the better.
I went and read many of your threads and wow our stories have a lot in common which is not unusual with addiction First I would like to say again your not a bad mother, this, is NOT your fault there is no perfect parent but I can see from what you write you love your children very much you seem to be overall a very loving and caring person.
As, far as the nurse part addicts hide things very well... you did not fail there either.
I saw some post about one of your children getting your check I would like to share some of my journey with you it is a bit lengthy ...
My husband and I met when I was 15 and him 16 we have been together every since I am now 48 we both smoked pot him everyday and me occasionally at that time we married when I turned 18. We have 3 kids 2 are addicts the other has tried drugs.
My oldest son has a DX of schizoaffective and anti-social personality he has put me through hades and back he started seeing and hearing things at age 6 and later I am not sure exactly when he started self medicating. I finally had to call the police and make reports and press charges against him when his stealing from us continued. I realize at this point that may seem horrid that I did that but you see when we keep letting them do these things what are we teaching them?
I was teaching my son it was OK... I was taking the life lesson away because I loved him and I didn't want him in jail. I just knew if I tried to be a better mother he would be ok again stinky thinking.
My middle son had Hodgkin s Lymphoma, diagnosed at stage 4 he was age 14 I had no clue but he was already smoking pot then he did 6 rounds of chemo and 30 radiation treatments we had to go out of town for treatments, while he was going through this my oldest got worse and my baby(daughter) was put in the hospital for anorexia and my hubby was off doing his thing while I tried managing all this.
Yet, I blamed me I thought surely I was a terrible person after all why would God let this happen if I wasn't???
Later down the road my middle son joined our local Sheriff Cadet's program and at age 18 he was the youngest in our county to go through the Sheriff's Reserves and graduate it for some reason it all went downhill from there.
he had a drug overdose in January 2009, he was laying dead in my living room thankfully CPR got him back and the ambulance arrived soon after he was on a vent for a short amount of time the month before my daughter's bf had died from an overdose he was at that funeral I just could not understand.
He still chooses to use he can't be at my house high he respects and doesn't cross those boundaries.
The things your daughter says to you well just because she says them that does not make them true I see your struggle you want everything fixed you want your girls to be whatever you imagined for their future and this sure wasn't it.
Addicts, manipulate so do codependents we all know where each others buttons are and it is obvious your daughter knows yours just as my sons knew mine.
Have you read Codependent No More? That was a good starting place for me and many others here. I really do understand if you if read, post and work on you I promise things will change for the better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>Yes, today I feel like a failure. I have failed my child today.<<<<
NO..........you did not.
Simple statement, simple retort.
As far as being a nurse and missing the signs, I'll share with you a passage
from my favorite novel (sorry ladies, not 50 shades of ANYTHING!)....2001
A Space Odyssey:
"We can engineer a system that is human stupidity proof,
what we cannot do is design one that is safeguarded from
human malice".
You did nothing wrong and you did not fail. I'll put it in ALL
CAPS IF NEEDED. Do not do this to yourself. It is a non sequitor.
Like an assembly tech in an auto factory brooding over the fact
that a car HE MADE ran over a little girl.
It wasn't his fault. Not even a little bit.
NOT AT ALL.
NO..........you did not.
Simple statement, simple retort.
As far as being a nurse and missing the signs, I'll share with you a passage
from my favorite novel (sorry ladies, not 50 shades of ANYTHING!)....2001
A Space Odyssey:
"We can engineer a system that is human stupidity proof,
what we cannot do is design one that is safeguarded from
human malice".
You did nothing wrong and you did not fail. I'll put it in ALL
CAPS IF NEEDED. Do not do this to yourself. It is a non sequitor.
Like an assembly tech in an auto factory brooding over the fact
that a car HE MADE ran over a little girl.
It wasn't his fault. Not even a little bit.
NOT AT ALL.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hey! I never thought of detachment from my AD"s, that would give some temporary greatly needed quiet or peace. But the guilt would settle in, the blame drain would clog up and the doom would start all over again. Maybe I'm not ready to give up yet, let them fend for themselves...that would shock them, they wouldn't think that was very funny. Well, it's not funny what's happening to me. Fairness is not part of the addiction disease.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Have you ever thought about the saying - it takes two to tango. The addict and co-dependent are in a dance. You (the co-dependent) can stop dancing and leave the room. The addict is then forced to dance alone. Dancing alone in an empty room with no one to watch can get pointless soon.
The biggest favour you can do to your children is to stop dancing. Go take care of yourself and let them dance alone.
Here is a 26 year old article. I think it remains true today.
The biggest favour you can do to your children is to stop dancing. Go take care of yourself and let them dance alone.
Here is a 26 year old article. I think it remains true today.
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