WifeNMama

Hi everyone, I'm new. I just need some simple advice. I've always been against harder drugs. My husband, of 10 years, has always known this. Over the course of 10 years, I've suspected maybe 2 or 3 times he has done cocaine. I'm not okay with this. Everytime I brought it up, he lied. Until just a few days ago, he admitted to me that he has done it 4-5 times over the course of our relationship. He tells me he is not addicted, he does not have a problem, apologized over and over, told me he is willing to take drug tests whenever I want him to. So, my question is, is it possible to use cocaine on such a seldom basis? He's only ever done at major party occassions (the times I've suspected). He's a great provider, I handle the finances, so I know where every red cent of is going (meaning - I know he's not spending hundreds of dollars on drugs). My trust has been torn down, which is why I'm questioning this - if he lied about this, how do I knw he's not lying about anything else? How do I know he hasn't done it more and that he's not addicted? Any advice would be so so helpful. Thank YOU!!!

DoubleBarrel

Yeah, it is. If hes doing it a couple times a year, there's no way hes addicted physically.

That doesn't mean it cant become a problem. Doing coke at all is playing with fire. Why he feels the need to do it is questionable. Sometimes, guys get together with old buddies and revert right back to how they acted in college or something. Is that whats going on? We even glamorize it, like in movies the Hangover.

Cocaine on any level is not good. Google cocaine and cattle dewormer. Show him what you found. Its really gross.

WifeNMama

That's what he tells me the instances were. I'm so oblvious to all of this, so I apologize in advance if I sound completely naive, it's because I am.

DragynLady

Honestly, you don't know. Maybe he's addicted, maybe he's not. You can't control that. What you CAN control is what you're willing to live with. You sound pretty solid on that. You will not tolerate *any* cocaine in your life... and who can blame you? It would be a dealbreaker for me, too.

You need to sit down, be honest, explain what you expect, if he wants the relationship to continue. Once you've done that, once you've set your boundaries, stick to them. Don't back down when/if he fails to meet them.

Whether or not he's addicted is honestly not relevant to the equation. What are you willing to live with?

incitingsilence

My husband had a nice nifty heroin habit. I never knew by money and I do handle all the finances. I guess the only thing that seemed different at the time was that he was working more hours, when he already normally worked 10 to 12 hours a day. We had money hand over fist, and it supposedly isn’t suppose to be like that, or so I was told.

Look it is so simple. Behavior always shows what the truth is. Could he be a casual user sure. Is he an addict, well no one but him needs that information. And if he is, well he won’t be capable of the truth cause denial helps so well there.

And this is hard but it won’t ever be about him, but you…what you want and need no matter if he is an addict or not, casual user or not. I don’t know about the hard drugs off the table, most people don’t agree with any drug use so watch the contradiction there. There is no comparison with legal or non legal drugs either, using is using , buzzed or drunk so much the same, high is high, only difference some drugs are way better than others, and that is usually a personal preference thing.

Maybe look at it this way.

Is he actively participating in life? Not missing events and family things…
Does he take care of his responsibilities?
Is he present in the home? Actively willing to discuss bills, children, decisions needing to be made?
Does he have friends and have normal balanced relationships?
It doesn’t sound like there are money issues so I am assuming you aren’t hearing he is always broke???

When he speaks does he take responsibility for his own actions?
When he speaks do you hear a lot of blame on others?
Do you hear any comparing out … I am not as bad as, I would never be like …
Do you catch him in lies that are stupid lies where he has no real reason to lie?
Is he evasive when you ask something?
Does he back up his word? Or does he make empty promises?
Oh and I am sorry but I am curious ... does he have a thing for porn?

Is it really just the cocaine use or is more going on. Not to many will come to a place like this without seeing something more than just their other half using rarely over a 10 year period….Do you have other concerns?

WifeNMama

Ok, tried to answer most of the questions. My MAIN concern is - is it possible to do coke on that random of a basis? Basically, if it IS - then I can possibly believe the fact that he has only done it a few times over the course of a marriage. But it's NOT possible.. then I know he's still lying. It's hard to put into words. This all has hit me so quickly. We've got 2 young children that I do NOT want around ANY of this, so I made the decision to work past it and NOT leave, but here I am confused as hell. I mainly searched for this place to get some more knowledge and understanding as I said earlier - I am completely naive when it comes to this type of thing.

interrupted

It is possible to do coke only occasionally. I did that when I was younger. It never became a problem, I never used it regularly, and I guess I just grew out of it like most people do with the things they try in college. It was a one of many things that I tried growing up, but I guess it just wasn't my thing.

Just pay attention to his actions, not his words. Addiction can hide, but it can rarely hide for very long, usually we force ourselves to ignore all of the warning signs. Time always reveals more.

While it's possible to use occasionally and not be an addict, it is concerning to me that he used even though he knew how much it bothered you. That doesn't seem very respectful. Going forward, I think it would be good for you to decide what you're willing to put up with in this regard, compassionately vocalize your concerns and boundaries to him, and have a plan in place for how you might handle a situation where those boundaries are crossed.

You have every right to insist on a drug free home for you and your kids. I would do the exact same thing.

incitingsilence

I asked what I did to give you some understanding of what addiction looks like. You don't have to appoligize for not understanding.

Comparing out huge, blame game huge and not just with others, you would be the blame too as to why he used and for everything…addicts make everything the fault of those around them. They are master at placing guilt on others, of deflecting and of manipulation and yet mainly because they are allowed to be. It isn’t like they have some special power or gift…

I doubt he is physically addicted as well, or mentally.

Yes it is very possible to use randomly and not have a problem…Over a 10 year period I wouldn’t be concerned. Over a 10 week period I would more inclined to be. It isn’t a healthy road, but it also isn’t the end of the world. Not all drug users become addicts.

Actions as was said, not words…very important.

Take good care of you.

jaynie04

WNM, hi! From what I read the issue sounds like more an issue of trust...just my take. I had an issue early on in my 16 year marriage where my husband lied about where he was (strip club) and a few years later at a dinner party some guy by mistake let the cat out of the bag. I was furious, I was so angry I had been lied to.

None of us can tell you whether you husband has a problem. I think incitingsilence outlined some pretty big flags to be aware of. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I abused prescription meds. I tried cocaine about 5 times in my life (I'm 48). I liked it enough to know I should never never get involved with it, so I didn't. If he is telling you the truth then to me that sounds more like someone who tried it a few times.

If he has a pattern of being deceptive then I guess that opens up a bigger issue. But, if everything else seems fine I would probably give him the benefit of the doubt..

DoubleBarrel

I tried to answer your question. Yes it is possible. But it's dangerous.

Since almost everyone,here is dealing with addiction from one side or the other, you are going to hear some grim stuff.

But the difference between a casual cocaine user and an addict is a razor thin line, so I think caution is warranted.

Some of what the others here have posted also vaguely references codependency.

The concept that you are not in charge, that you cannot control his behavior, are designed to help you.

Regardless, perhaps you would benefit from reading up on codependency here, online and the book codependent no more.

allforcnm

It is possible to use cocaine on an infrequent basis. A few times a year when in the company of certain friends, at a party, etc. Typically it would be when the frequency increases and the brain begins to expect the high doses of dopamine that people are more likely to form an addiction. Life then wont seem normal without it.

With my husband, the behaviors gave him away, and then he admitted use. First it was abusing prescribed pain meds, and then other drugs like cocaine he got from "friends".

I think what Inciting wrote are good indicators to look at, and it doesn't sound like he really meets the criteria.

Has he been through any traumatic events in the recent past where he might have been very depressed, anxious, looking for a pick me up - sort of to self medicate? I think this is also another warning sign especially if someone has past use, because they tend to remember the artificial high and the good feelings the drug brought on; maybe causing them to seek the drug, then the use become frequent and likelihood of addiction increases.

The lying about using (any amount). Most people find the use of drugs unacceptable, and it sounds like he knew you would not approve so he didn't tell you. But now that you know, it does sound like its just thrown you for a loop in the Trust department. As with any other issues, I think you need to discuss it, and discuss it in relation to your children, setting an example, illegality, etc. But to some extent, you will have to decide if you can take that leap and trust him at his word; especially if you see no warning signs.

I think it is good to read up on cocaine, and ok to do research but I would be careful not to get too drawn in at this point. In my mind, it could escalate the trust issues if you become, for lack of a better word 'paranoid' and get too suspicious, looking for lies, etc. I say just stay alert, keep communication open.

pinkdog

Dear Wife, welcome. You came to a great place. Stick around.

WifeNMama

Wow, you all are amazing. I was not expecting this type of reaction, partly because I feel as though I'm slightly over reacting. But what a fantastic place to come for resources and advice! Thank you!

Ok, he has the opposite of an addictive personality (if that's such a thing). I know this is not a good example, but the man smoke cigarettes for 20 years and woke up one morning and decided to quit and quit, just like that, done, hasn't touched one since. He has amazing willpower and will not do anything on impulse (takes me days to convinve him to do anything - he must analyze everything, good & bad). So I'm really hoping I'm over reacting here. He did volunteer to take drug tests when I wanted him to. I've always known when he was using, just by the way he acts. So, if I suspect anything, I may make him take one, just for peace of mind. Trust is the easiest thing to destroy, but the hardest thing to build back up. I chose to move forward and trust him, so that's what I'm going to have to do. My boundaries are simple - the next time this happens, or he does it, I am leaving. Hands down, I'm not tolerating it.

DragynLady

Make sure he knows that. Don't keep it in your head and assume that he knows... tell him. Make it very clear that this is your line, period. And if he crosses that, he has made the decision to end the relationship, and you're done.

Don't leave it to chance. Make it crystal-clear... they're good at hearing what they want to when you don't. Maybe even try what I did; I wrote my husband a four page letter, and in the last page outline what I expected to happen if he wanted to stay. So far, he's stuck with it, because he has it in black-and-white and he can't claim to mishear what I said.

And I saved a copy, too.