jjj111

I'm struggling a little tonight. My sister has been battling an opiate addiction for over a decade. She was arrested a few years ago and in NA for a while, but she stopped going and I know she is still using. I have distanced myself from her over the past five years or so, but we still talk by e-mail and visit once a year or so. These days she will only admit to being on suboxone, but I went with her on vacation last year and picked up her phone to check the time, and saw a text message where she was asking her boyfriend for pills. Anyway, she has been writing me the past couple days saying she wants to seek treatment. First she said that she wants me to be there for her and her boyfriend during this process and hopes they can both talk to and lean on me. I told her that I can be there for her as a sister and friend but I can't manage her recovery and she should work with her therapist and psychiatrist on this. (She has both, though she doesn't usually stick with anyone for long.) So she accepted that, but then she asked if I would lend her the money to go to rehab. I know she is coming into some money soon and she said it would be a loan and she would sign an IOU, but I just don't think it's a good idea. I have never loaned her money in the past and don't want to set a bad precedent. So I told her that she needed to do this on her own two feet and that I thought she would feel better about it if she did. She didn't reply to my e-mail, but now she is using one of her favorite passive-aggressive methods for pushing my guilt button--making vague but accusing posts on facebook. I know I am doing the right thing by setting boundaries with her, but it still hurts. I love her a lot and feel sad when we aren't getting along. I guess I'm just here looking for some affirmation? Thanks for your thoughts.

Kindeyes

It sounds to me as though you handled things with love and good boundaries. You took care of you.....yet handled her with compassion.

gentle hugs
ke

allforcnm

I think you were probably correct in the way you handled it. She has a psychiatrist, and a therapist, She has been in NA. And you offered your support and encouragement. If she is serious about going to rehab then she will use the money when it comes in and pursue that option, until then she has support at her fingertips. Also I would worry about the iou note; who knows what else she owes for example. Her incoming money may already be spent, and you might end up not being paid back. Im sorry she is using facebook to hurt you, that has its own issues.....

Bubovski

Boundaries can be a bit flexible,however the history suggests tough love may be better.
Essentially, it's your call!A

jjj111

It really is tough, I want her to get help, but she has a long history of financial irresponsibility and of turning on me when she doesn't get her way, so I guess I don't really trust her to pay me back, and I would never want to have to sue her. And I was so surprised that she would ask me to be a support to her boyfriend because I have had problems with him in the past--he has a temper problem and has gotten angry with her in front of me in a way that I found upsetting. So, yes, I guess I've got to take care of me. She also has a long history of making me responsible for her problems and then turning on me when I refuse to fix them. It took me years of therapy just to get to the point of even setting some boundaries with her and getting some detachment from the situation. But then something like this happens, and there I am again, feeling guilty, sad, anxious, angry, etc.

KeepinItReal

I have learned that there are programs that will work with the dept of social service to pay for their room and board. There are also sober houses that do the same thing.
As a wife of a heroin addict I have done my research. I wish I knew then what I knew now. Knowledge is power. Sometimes finding the places that do this are not easy as it's not advertised like "passages in malibu". Which is insane. You did the right thing!

Kindeyes

I highlighted these portions because of the familiarity of those actions. It is a tool that an active addict uses to manipulate us. As predictable as their actions are.....ours (those who love them) are just as predictable. Why do they do what they do? Because it works.

You have spoken loudly with your boundary and that's ok. Your boundary is very reasonable. She may "turn up the volume" to get you to do what she wants you to do. Which makes it all the more important not to let the boundary down! You give in......addiction wins (not your sister.....addiction).

They use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) to keep us under control. Those things make it very difficult to think straight.......it keeps us in that F.O.G. And we acquiesce to relieve our own discomfort.

It's just the way addiction works. It's just the way codependence works. Once we recognize it (which you are doing well) we can combat it by NOT falling into the FOG.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with the craziness of addiction. It is hard but with support, we can all face it together.

gentle hugs
ke

EJG123

I think sticking to your boundary of not giving her money is best both for you and for her.

jjj111

Thanks so much to everybody for their thoughts, and thanks KE for that reminder about the dangers of FOG! I am trying to remember that setting these boundaries is hard, but letting them down would be a big step backward. I can't keep playing the rescuer-persecutor-victim game with her!!!

interrupted

You sound like you're in a really good place with your recovery and I admire not only your ability to set a healthy boundary but also to enforce it with love and compassion. I know how hard it is to do that, my sister is also an opiate addict. I would have done the exact same thing that you did, and I have. I will not lend my sister money or pay for the debts that she incurs as a result of her life choices.

I wasn't always able to say that, and I certainly wasn't always able to say it nicely, but detachment has really helped me in the same way that it appears to be helping you. Your recovery is shining!

Bubovski

[QUOTE=Kindeyes;4171988]I highlighted these portions because of the familiarity of those actions. It is a tool that an active addict uses to manipulate us. As predictable as their actions are.....ours (those who love them) are just as predictable. Why do they do what they do? Because it works.

You have spoken loudly with your boundary and that's ok. Your boundary is very reasonable. She may "turn up the volume" to get you to do what she wants you to do. Which makes it all the more important not to let the boundary down! You give in......addiction wins (not your sister.....addiction).

They use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) to keep us under control. Those things make it very difficult to think straight.......it keeps us in that F.O.G. And we acquiesce to relieve our own discomfort.

It's just the way addiction works. It's just the way codependence works. Once we recognize it (which you are doing well) we can combat it by NOT falling into the FOG.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with the craziness of addiction. It is hard but with support, we can all face it together.

gentle hugs


Had'nt heard of F.O.G. before, it really sums it up.
Besides in prolonged help at times we may prevent new and more appropriate assistance by peddling the same old stuff.

jjj111

Well, my sister contacted me today and has apparently found the money to go to rehab somehow. I suspect she probably is borrowing it from someone else, she is pretty good at finding rescuers, but at least I was able to avoid being the rescuer this time, and yay that she is getting help! I want so much for her to get serious about recovery, but I have to admit that after all this time I feel cautious about getting my hopes up. I think that part of the reason she has been driven to seek help is because her boyfriend doesn't like helping her with the expense of the suboxone, and she doesn't work enough to afford it herself.

Anyway, thanks again to all of you for your encouragement. Finding a way to detach with compassion has been so hard for me, but I realized at some point that when I detach with anger, I feel so guilty afterward that it makes it very hard to maintain a boundary. This finally sunk in for me not with my sister but with an ex-bf who was an addict. Somehow it was easier to detach with him than with my sister, I guess I had less invested in the relationship, but after I started to detach with him and to understand some of my codependent patterns, I realized how much they were shaping my relationship with my sister. Our parents were both alcoholics, so all these patterns are so deeply rooted. My tendency to live my life focusing on other people is a lifelong habit that I struggle every day to break out of!

jjj111

Just to share an example of this struggle: when she told me she was going to rehab, my first instinct was to ask her what the rehab place is, has she really researched it, doesn't she think she should discuss it with her therapist and psychiatrist and make sure she is going to a good place. Had to just take a deep breath and tell her I think she is very courageous to seek help.

Bubovski

Its not easy trying to rationalize compassion.
Buddhists use the term "idiot compassion" whereby some people go to extreme lengths over others, in order not to feel bad about themselves.
Still, not always an easy call..........

jjj111

So I'm still trying to walk that line between supportive and codependent. She says she is going to a rehab program for four nights! I want to scream "how do you think you're going to kick a decade long opiate habit in four nights???" I've just gotta keep taking those deep breaths and reminding myself that these are not my decisions to make.