Sister of a drug addict...need advice

Old 09-09-2013, 07:11 AM
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Sister of a drug addict...need advice

I am 28 and my brother just had his 26th birthday yesterday. He has been a drug addict and alcoholic for about 6 years now. His drug of choice has always been pills (mostly xanax, oxycontin and suboxone) but combines them and alcohol. I recenlty moved back to my hometown where my parents and brother live and am realizing now more than ever how bad my brother has gotten. My parents enable him like crazy (pay for his apt and ALL living expenses) and give shallow threats of cutting him off with no follow through. They look at it as keeping him alive. He has overdosed several times, been to rehab several times and drives high and drunk regularly. He has been violent with me (which i still haven't gotten over 3 years later) and is like a ticking time bomb. He is destroying my parents and i dont think he will stop unless he dies or hurts/kills someone else. I have a lot of guilt over the resentment i have towards my parents and i feel so helpless and i hurt for my brother. How do i detatch while still supporting my parents? How do i stop feeling so guilty for not being able to do ANYTHING. I have so much anger. How do i not let this affect my day to day life? I am constantly worrying about him and my parents. Any input is appreciated. thank you!
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Old 09-09-2013, 02:15 PM
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I am sorry about your brother, sadly there is not much you can do for him or your parents.

I am the mother of an addict and I tried to "help" him for too many years. I let him live at home and he turned our home into a war zone.

I finally found help for me, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group and it literally saved my life. Al-anon too. Many here have found courage and strength through these meetings, maybe check out your area and give them a try. If your parents agree, the meetings might help them too, but at least go for yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

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Old 09-09-2013, 02:19 PM
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I meant to add, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot fo helpful information and good supportive posts there too that may help you find your balance.

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Old 09-09-2013, 05:22 PM
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Hi,

Im sorry to hear about your brother. I have been coming here for a long time now its seems forever and ive slowly come to the realization that sadly there is not much we can do for the addict, the guilt, the feeling helpless its all wrapped up in the ugly disease of addiction what we can do is try to work on ourselves . Read up , there is alot of info here
take care
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Old 09-09-2013, 05:48 PM
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Thank you for the input. I am actually thinking about going to a local nar-anon meeting. Just knowing that there are other people who have the same feelings as I do is helpful.
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Old 09-09-2013, 07:44 PM
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Thumbs up

Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings will be a good start. Once you start going try to persuade your parents to go to. They need to learn that enablement is pouring gas on the fire of addiction. Without fuel there is a good chance the fire will burn itself out.

You should come here and post and read as much as you can. You will learn a lot and get lots of support and feedback. This has been my lifeline for the past many months.
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Old 09-09-2013, 08:39 PM
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My parents have tried to go to meetings and have said "it isn't for them". So frustrating! Denial and shame are powerful things. My mom just says "this is my life now". She doesn't want to see any other option except to keep picking up my brother when he screws up. They are such smart people but when it comes to my brother they lose all rationale. They are living in constant fear of him dying.
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Old 09-09-2013, 09:28 PM
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Originally Posted by notreallysure View Post
My parents have tried to go to meetings and have said "it isn't for them". So frustrating! Denial and shame are powerful things. My mom just says "this is my life now". She doesn't want to see any other option except to keep picking up my brother when he screws up. They are such smart people but when it comes to my brother they lose all rationale. They are living in constant fear of him dying.
You could read up on the CRAFT method (community reinforcement and family training) and maybe provide them some info on this method. It still requires the use of boundaries, but also emphasizes positive reinforcement approach they might be more comfortable with. There is a book "Get Your Loved One sober, alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Robert Meyers. (you can google it). Here is a bit of info from Partnership Drug Free America: The CRAFT Approach: Encouraging Healthy, Constructive, Positive Changes for Your Family | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents My therapist recommended the approach to me, and its been helpful.
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Old 09-10-2013, 08:38 AM
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Al-anon may not be for everyone. Its really about detachment with love. Not everyone is ready to do that. However even this CRAFT - you need to set boundaries and reduce or eliminate enabling behavior. Its really about getting addict into treatment. Your brother has been to several rehabs - can you elaborate what kind of rehabs? were they 12 step based or based on modern addiction science?

Also there are co-dependency/family programs for people like your parents on non-12 step models. Its critical to understand that addiction is a family disease (more like a freight train going through the family).
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:10 AM
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He has been in 3 different rehab centers. Im not sure what kind they are exactly. I know one is intensive and they have very little freedom and one was more like a "3/4" house where they had regular check ins and he has had prolonged stays at hospitals a few times. Each of them was only covered by insurance for relatively short times (a month at the most) and then my parents are unable to afford anything more than that. I think he could be convinced to go to treatment for much longer but it has been a moot point since it's not affordable. He needs to be there for like a year though i think. He is supposed to be seeing a therapist regularly but only sees a specialist for his suboxone and random doctors that will give him xanax.
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Old 09-10-2013, 10:57 AM
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any 12 step program will help alot...(ie AL ANON)...and time to take the focus off of him and on to you...you can not help someone that is really NOT READY..

please remember:
3 C's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and there is no cure

there is alot of reading material here, please read and read some more...
Melody Beattie "Codependent No More" is and awesome read

LET THE HEALING BEGIN WITH YOU...
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Old 09-10-2013, 02:51 PM
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The key to your brother recovery is likely via your parents recovery. The addict and the codependent are part of a system which keeps both parts sick. Once one partner gets better the chances of the other partner getting better increases.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by pravchaw View Post
The key to your brother recovery is likely via your parents recovery. The addict and the codependent are part of a system which keeps both parts sick. Once one partner gets better the chances of the other partner getting better increases.
I think that is true. The CRAFT method I mentioned; my husband was already in rehab when they had me start working with a therapist, and then she taught me based on those type of principles. If he has been in rehab, has a therapist then hopefully he does have some tools for recovery. If they are there, then maybe he just needs to begin to use them. So having changes in enabling, and maybe a different type of supportive structure - it might encourage him. You may have seen this site, but I like to share it because I think it has a lot of info on treatment, recovery, and things for family. It was established in coordination with National Institute of Drug Abuse: HBO: Addiction: Treatment
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