Sister of a drug addict...need advice
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Novi,MI
Posts: 11
Sister of a drug addict...need advice
I am 28 and my brother just had his 26th birthday yesterday. He has been a drug addict and alcoholic for about 6 years now. His drug of choice has always been pills (mostly xanax, oxycontin and suboxone) but combines them and alcohol. I recenlty moved back to my hometown where my parents and brother live and am realizing now more than ever how bad my brother has gotten. My parents enable him like crazy (pay for his apt and ALL living expenses) and give shallow threats of cutting him off with no follow through. They look at it as keeping him alive. He has overdosed several times, been to rehab several times and drives high and drunk regularly. He has been violent with me (which i still haven't gotten over 3 years later) and is like a ticking time bomb. He is destroying my parents and i dont think he will stop unless he dies or hurts/kills someone else. I have a lot of guilt over the resentment i have towards my parents and i feel so helpless and i hurt for my brother. How do i detatch while still supporting my parents? How do i stop feeling so guilty for not being able to do ANYTHING. I have so much anger. How do i not let this affect my day to day life? I am constantly worrying about him and my parents. Any input is appreciated. thank you!
I am sorry about your brother, sadly there is not much you can do for him or your parents.
I am the mother of an addict and I tried to "help" him for too many years. I let him live at home and he turned our home into a war zone.
I finally found help for me, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group and it literally saved my life. Al-anon too. Many here have found courage and strength through these meetings, maybe check out your area and give them a try. If your parents agree, the meetings might help them too, but at least go for yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Hugs
I am the mother of an addict and I tried to "help" him for too many years. I let him live at home and he turned our home into a war zone.
I finally found help for me, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group and it literally saved my life. Al-anon too. Many here have found courage and strength through these meetings, maybe check out your area and give them a try. If your parents agree, the meetings might help them too, but at least go for yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Hugs
Hi,
Im sorry to hear about your brother. I have been coming here for a long time now its seems forever and ive slowly come to the realization that sadly there is not much we can do for the addict, the guilt, the feeling helpless its all wrapped up in the ugly disease of addiction what we can do is try to work on ourselves . Read up , there is alot of info here
take care
Im sorry to hear about your brother. I have been coming here for a long time now its seems forever and ive slowly come to the realization that sadly there is not much we can do for the addict, the guilt, the feeling helpless its all wrapped up in the ugly disease of addiction what we can do is try to work on ourselves . Read up , there is alot of info here
take care
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
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Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings will be a good start. Once you start going try to persuade your parents to go to. They need to learn that enablement is pouring gas on the fire of addiction. Without fuel there is a good chance the fire will burn itself out.
You should come here and post and read as much as you can. You will learn a lot and get lots of support and feedback. This has been my lifeline for the past many months.
You should come here and post and read as much as you can. You will learn a lot and get lots of support and feedback. This has been my lifeline for the past many months.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Novi,MI
Posts: 11
My parents have tried to go to meetings and have said "it isn't for them". So frustrating! Denial and shame are powerful things. My mom just says "this is my life now". She doesn't want to see any other option except to keep picking up my brother when he screws up. They are such smart people but when it comes to my brother they lose all rationale. They are living in constant fear of him dying.
My parents have tried to go to meetings and have said "it isn't for them". So frustrating! Denial and shame are powerful things. My mom just says "this is my life now". She doesn't want to see any other option except to keep picking up my brother when he screws up. They are such smart people but when it comes to my brother they lose all rationale. They are living in constant fear of him dying.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
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Al-anon may not be for everyone. Its really about detachment with love. Not everyone is ready to do that. However even this CRAFT - you need to set boundaries and reduce or eliminate enabling behavior. Its really about getting addict into treatment. Your brother has been to several rehabs - can you elaborate what kind of rehabs? were they 12 step based or based on modern addiction science?
Also there are co-dependency/family programs for people like your parents on non-12 step models. Its critical to understand that addiction is a family disease (more like a freight train going through the family).
Also there are co-dependency/family programs for people like your parents on non-12 step models. Its critical to understand that addiction is a family disease (more like a freight train going through the family).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Novi,MI
Posts: 11
He has been in 3 different rehab centers. Im not sure what kind they are exactly. I know one is intensive and they have very little freedom and one was more like a "3/4" house where they had regular check ins and he has had prolonged stays at hospitals a few times. Each of them was only covered by insurance for relatively short times (a month at the most) and then my parents are unable to afford anything more than that. I think he could be convinced to go to treatment for much longer but it has been a moot point since it's not affordable. He needs to be there for like a year though i think. He is supposed to be seeing a therapist regularly but only sees a specialist for his suboxone and random doctors that will give him xanax.
any 12 step program will help alot...(ie AL ANON)...and time to take the focus off of him and on to you...you can not help someone that is really NOT READY..
please remember:
3 C's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and there is no cure
there is alot of reading material here, please read and read some more...
Melody Beattie "Codependent No More" is and awesome read
LET THE HEALING BEGIN WITH YOU...
please remember:
3 C's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and there is no cure
there is alot of reading material here, please read and read some more...
Melody Beattie "Codependent No More" is and awesome read
LET THE HEALING BEGIN WITH YOU...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
The key to your brother recovery is likely via your parents recovery. The addict and the codependent are part of a system which keeps both parts sick. Once one partner gets better the chances of the other partner getting better increases.
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