irisgardens

My 21 year old daughter has been addicted to heroin for four years. I am so fearful for her. I am seeking her and finding her after she cut/lost contact in April. She is with a man who is at least 10 years her senior...a dealer and a user himself. She is living on the streets.

I am in my own codependency recovery and making progress...although I have already gone through alcoholic parents...a husband who drinks (still married...he is not drinking like he did when he was young) and 2 previous daughters who used drugs (1 ecstasy and cocaine--the other cocaine and crystal meth) and a son who binge drinks.

I am tired...exhausted. My HP has brought me far and through many many things...but right now...I am just tired...and exhausted. I know where to look for my daughter now...didn't 3-4 months ago. I have a job. I have gone no contact with mother after being treated horribly for the 13 years since Dad died...and on again/off again since I was a kid.

I am working my program. Working on my own CODA stuff. Just doing the best I can with what I have...I am the only one doing recovery work. I often wonder if I am the crazy one...but other people (except the family members) all seem to see a perfectly sane person in me...and I work a perfectly sane job...only losing it when there has been too much over too long a period of time...and nothing changes.

I have allowed the children who are angry with me (for not just accepting things the way they are) to go no contact. Do not have the energy and realize that more energy thrown after so many years is just going to drain me more and make me weaker.

I am not going to SF today to find my daughter. I don't have the energy to go...nor the energy to deal with it when I don't find her...which is what has happened all the other times we have looked. And deep down, I am probably truly terrified of what will happen if I do find her. Stuck....in fear and anxiety. I lost a baby 23 years ago from sids...I know what it is like. I have fought like a tiger for all the chiildren through their issues, including drugs. I am wiser and stronger now than I was when this whole nightmare started with my oldest 16 years ago. I admit it, the fear is paralyzing.

Praying and turning her and every other person I have been or am addicted to over to God again. The cycle never seems to end.

I have deep fear as an ACOA of not being lovable...but for some reason...in loving my daughters I have gotten better. Always learning and working my program. So not prefect...but doing my best.

I hope that there is hope.

Ann

My goodness, you have been through so much addiction in your life. It's okay to go no contact, it's okay to detach from toxic people. It's not only okay but it may be that our own health depends on it.

Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs

irisgardens

Thank you.

Lily1918

Hugs to you. There is always hope.

Kindeyes

I found hope when I let go of fear.

I understand getting to the point of exhaustion that you describe. I lived a lifetime stuck in the grasp of fear. Fear for myself, fear for my loved ones. Paralyzed. Unable to breathe.

It took a long time to let go of fear. To reach a point of acceptance. To take one day at a time. I have hope for you. I hope you can find a place within yourself where fear doesn't reside. Where acceptance flourishes.

gentle hugs
ke

Lotusangel

irisgardens you seem like a very strong person. I wish you the best of luck and take deep breaths. I, too, have an AS, who is 23 years old. His DOC is H but he has experimented with so many from what he says. Thankfully, I do know where he is. Every day is a new beginning for me. I take each day one day at a time. 16 years ago I lost their father who was murdered due to his drug abuse. It was traumatic, and I still live with that sorrow or hole in my heart. Now I have been dealing with the same issues with my own son with risky behavior and marijuana use which progressed from his teen years. I feel so sad and shocked that I am going through this same pain again. Some days are better than others. And when I have doubts, I struggle just to breathe or sleep. My son recently went through an intensive outpatient program and completed it successfully. He still sees his suboxone doctor and keeps all his appointments. The last couple of days he has been really moody due to the fact that he found out there might be some legal issues he has to deal with from his past...we don't know yet. That is nerve wracking and hopefully will not jeopardize his recovery. I have to admit that him not attending his aftercare worries me to no end, but I just have to trust in God. Through all this, he has been a very good father and is very dedicated to his daughter even with all the baby mama drama. He has her this weekend, and it is great to see how full of energy and dedicated he is to her. It seems sometimes that the only thing that really makes him happy and sparkle is when he is around her. She is the light of his eyes. They often facetime me and show me the silly things they are doing. It makes me happy, so I have to treasure those moments to keep me get me through the tougher times.

Like you, I have learned to be more accepting of what is and what I can and cannot change. I go to sleep praying every night until I fall asleep praying for the health, safety, and happiness of my children. I also pray to keep my sanity. God help us all.

GardenMama

A friend sent this to me today as one of those email chain letter things with promises for some magical ending... I thought I would share it with you tonight, Iris. Seemed fitting.


There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.
You surround yourself with people who make you laugh.
Forget the bad, and focus on the good.
Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't.
Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

"Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

YouWillBe

My heart goes to you...I'm there, too. (Although only one of my children is affected by heroin and meth.)

There are days I don't think I will ever feel joy again...am SURE I won't. I've had two brand new grandbabies this year and as fabulous as that is, and as wonderful as other things in my life are, they are ALWAYS over-shadowed by this crisis.

I know God has her in his hands, right along with your girl. I know He loves them more than we ever could. I know that He is using them where they are...we never know the lives THEY will reach in their situation.

I've started the hard task of praying "thy will be done"...I want MY will to be done, and her to be healed right now. Now I pray for God to place her where He wants her to be...and I have to believe that's what's happening. It's the only sanity I have.

Hugs to you...