He shot up in his closet, while home on rehab pass
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by lesliej 
who cares HOW it was said?
was it said with profanity? was it said in a degrading tone? was it said without kindness? was it said in a harsh way?
who cares???
you have to look at the content of the message they are sending...not the tone!!
the content is that you have a lying manipulative active addict who consorts with prostitutes
it sounds to me like you want his parents to walk on eggshells around you...expecting them to be gentle in how they deliver an awful message about their son...like you want them to go easy on the truth and enable your codependency.
romantic weekend with your husband?
he is in TREATMENT for IV DRUG ADDICTION
was it said with profanity? was it said in a degrading tone? was it said without kindness? was it said in a harsh way?
who cares???
you have to look at the content of the message they are sending...not the tone!!
the content is that you have a lying manipulative active addict who consorts with prostitutes
it sounds to me like you want his parents to walk on eggshells around you...expecting them to be gentle in how they deliver an awful message about their son...like you want them to go easy on the truth and enable your codependency.
romantic weekend with your husband?
he is in TREATMENT for IV DRUG ADDICTION
I know his parents should have spoken more slowly and turned away wrath, but all I see in what they said is the truth.
They said what they meant. They spoke the truth. The only thing they did wrong was they said it in a mean way.
Honestly though... Mary Poppins got it wrong.
when speaking about addiction, often times there is not enough sugar in the world to help the medicine go down.
Sometimes we all need a wake up call.
Im sorry of my words offend you, but please, please please.... take it from someone who has been there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by Lily1918
Thank you for being brave enough to say the words I have been dying to let off of the tip of my tongue.
Sometimes we all need a wake up call.
Im sorry of my words offend you, but please, please please.... take it from someone who has been there.
Sometimes we all need a wake up call.
Im sorry of my words offend you, but please, please please.... take it from someone who has been there.
It wasn't booked as a romantic weekend together, I dont think either of us thought that because there is too much going on, too many secrets still, too many things not out in the open, anger, hurt, fear. But besides being in treatment for IV drug use, he is still a person, a son, grandson, brother, uncle, friend, and my husband. He still has a home, a life that wants him back all the way when he is ready. He hadn't been home in over two months closer to three since he went missing, being in hospital, rehab. It was good for his soul to come home for a few days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I'm trying to do the right things, I called his main doctor on Saturday after the talk with them, told him all of it, and they were still planning to visit on Sunday. He asked I come with them so we could all meet and talk. He said they had no right to be angry or project their disappointment on him. My husbands an adult, he was approved to leave for the weekend, he went home to his wife, he used, he came back. Case closed. Their emotions were not to be dumped on him, they were no where in the weekend events and didnt need to jump in now. He told them to yell at him if they wanted, he approved the visit, sticks by that decision, and it will be used as a learning event. If they felt different then it would be best if they didn't visit with him. So they sucked it up and had their visit. The doctor told me he didn't want me involved in it, so I didn't get to see him at all.
He told me he wants me to have a weekly counseling session, and he would like to have a weekly family session with both of us.
He said with me, it is different. He understood I asked my husband if there was anything hidden at home, I would dispose of it -he lied. He hid his use all weekend, put on a pretense, threatened to leave rehab with expectation of coming home to me, and I had a voice. But also said I needed to learn some things because I was out of line in some things I said, and he doesn't want certain patterns to develop between us.
I am leaving work early to get there in time for our first family session. Driving there and back is no fun during the work week.
I am editing to add again:
I have been reading over the last few weeks and not posting but I have learned a lot. And I have a good support in my family but they dont know any more than I do about drugs and addiction, and I have so many great friends and they have been here all the time, sometimes too much. But they dont know much about drug addiction either. I mean one has a boyfriend who we all think drinks a little too much, but none of us think he is truly an alcoholic. Some of my friends have used drugs but no one has admitted iv use, and no one has a real problem, most of it is all in the past for them. That is why it sort of helps to read here even though sometimes its hard, but I need some different voices in my ear that have no reason to sugar coat it like they see it for fear ruining a friendship, or whatever. I guess Im saying I realize I need all the help I can get right now, and I appreciate that your here and even bothering. I had never used a message board before that day I found you when I was waiting in the hospital. Im probably not a great member cant contribute much to anyone but maybe someday.
He told me he wants me to have a weekly counseling session, and he would like to have a weekly family session with both of us.
He said with me, it is different. He understood I asked my husband if there was anything hidden at home, I would dispose of it -he lied. He hid his use all weekend, put on a pretense, threatened to leave rehab with expectation of coming home to me, and I had a voice. But also said I needed to learn some things because I was out of line in some things I said, and he doesn't want certain patterns to develop between us.
I am leaving work early to get there in time for our first family session. Driving there and back is no fun during the work week.
I am editing to add again:
I have been reading over the last few weeks and not posting but I have learned a lot. And I have a good support in my family but they dont know any more than I do about drugs and addiction, and I have so many great friends and they have been here all the time, sometimes too much. But they dont know much about drug addiction either. I mean one has a boyfriend who we all think drinks a little too much, but none of us think he is truly an alcoholic. Some of my friends have used drugs but no one has admitted iv use, and no one has a real problem, most of it is all in the past for them. That is why it sort of helps to read here even though sometimes its hard, but I need some different voices in my ear that have no reason to sugar coat it like they see it for fear ruining a friendship, or whatever. I guess Im saying I realize I need all the help I can get right now, and I appreciate that your here and even bothering. I had never used a message board before that day I found you when I was waiting in the hospital. Im probably not a great member cant contribute much to anyone but maybe someday.
Last edited by BlueChair; 09-09-2013 at 01:35 PM. Reason: to add more
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
BlueChair,
You were swung a curve ball. Even though I knew my husband used drugs (oxi's) I had no idea it was heroin until 8 months after I left him. This was due to his behavior. Wrong things he has done. He came clean to me when our son was less than a week old. He FINALLY asked for help. Still, it's been 3 years of recovery. Because of my husbands heavy drug use in his family, it was our decision he left out of state to go live with family. He did well, held a job, and we had great communication over the phone. He moved back as I run a family business in my area. It's great importance for me not to move (which I have guilt over and shouldn't). He did this for 1 year in another state and then came home. We went on a wonderful vacation to Disney and then he was locked up from legal issues from his past (after having a year sober) After that over the last two years he has had 1 year sober total. Six months sober, six months using, 6 months sober ... six months using and then his last time deciding to get all his legal issues over with and complete his time in jail to be done with it. I'm encouraging him to go to a 14 month program about an hour away because I know it's his life and forever on the line. If he comes home, and the same stressors keep happening, he will relapse and possibly die (or want to die). Not that the stressors are my fault. They are not. IT'S HIS INSIDE ISSUES. So no matter who, or what or when.. it's bound to happen unless dealt with and the addict comes to realize they need help on the inside. It's a complex and unique disease to all who have it. I'm really sorry your going through all this. I deal with the same sort of judgment. I get blamed for thing which I know are not my fault. Parents like to place blame, because they are blaming themselves everyday. They probably have a lot of guilt. I know I blame myself... but why is it my fault?? It's not rational. Best wishes!!
You were swung a curve ball. Even though I knew my husband used drugs (oxi's) I had no idea it was heroin until 8 months after I left him. This was due to his behavior. Wrong things he has done. He came clean to me when our son was less than a week old. He FINALLY asked for help. Still, it's been 3 years of recovery. Because of my husbands heavy drug use in his family, it was our decision he left out of state to go live with family. He did well, held a job, and we had great communication over the phone. He moved back as I run a family business in my area. It's great importance for me not to move (which I have guilt over and shouldn't). He did this for 1 year in another state and then came home. We went on a wonderful vacation to Disney and then he was locked up from legal issues from his past (after having a year sober) After that over the last two years he has had 1 year sober total. Six months sober, six months using, 6 months sober ... six months using and then his last time deciding to get all his legal issues over with and complete his time in jail to be done with it. I'm encouraging him to go to a 14 month program about an hour away because I know it's his life and forever on the line. If he comes home, and the same stressors keep happening, he will relapse and possibly die (or want to die). Not that the stressors are my fault. They are not. IT'S HIS INSIDE ISSUES. So no matter who, or what or when.. it's bound to happen unless dealt with and the addict comes to realize they need help on the inside. It's a complex and unique disease to all who have it. I'm really sorry your going through all this. I deal with the same sort of judgment. I get blamed for thing which I know are not my fault. Parents like to place blame, because they are blaming themselves everyday. They probably have a lot of guilt. I know I blame myself... but why is it my fault?? It's not rational. Best wishes!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Speaking as a parent.....your parents care about YOU.
Put enough pressure on anyone (me included), and you
will find where their loyalty truly lies ( pardon pun )
Think of breakfast..... bacon & eggs.....the chicken
participates, but the pig is COMMITTED!
Do something nice for YOU today... something apart
from any difficult situation. You deserve it.
The central structure of addiction is a lie....the lie
that we somehow/someway mistreatment.
WE DON'T. And never did.
Put enough pressure on anyone (me included), and you
will find where their loyalty truly lies ( pardon pun )
Think of breakfast..... bacon & eggs.....the chicken
participates, but the pig is COMMITTED!
Do something nice for YOU today... something apart
from any difficult situation. You deserve it.
The central structure of addiction is a lie....the lie
that we somehow/someway mistreatment.
WE DON'T. And never did.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It was good for his soul to come home for a few days.
um, was it? shooting up drugs isn't exactly GOOD for the soul....I know I sound negative, but at this point what YOU think is best for him probably isn't...cuz you are still operating from that place of "normal" - how YOU would feel in his situation....
but you don't GET the addict part. the living breathing evil demon inside....when I respond, I respond as a former crack addict and blind drunk black out drinker. my husband is also a former crack addict....20+ years of using....we are both now 8 something years clean. I was a slathering drooling dope fiend.
now his parents are up to date. you can let that go. he is in rehab. you can let that go. that leaves....YOU. no matter WHAT he does, you HAVE to be able to take care of yourself! that is what is most important here. YOU. and understanding what you are up against. know your enemy.
um, was it? shooting up drugs isn't exactly GOOD for the soul....I know I sound negative, but at this point what YOU think is best for him probably isn't...cuz you are still operating from that place of "normal" - how YOU would feel in his situation....
but you don't GET the addict part. the living breathing evil demon inside....when I respond, I respond as a former crack addict and blind drunk black out drinker. my husband is also a former crack addict....20+ years of using....we are both now 8 something years clean. I was a slathering drooling dope fiend.
now his parents are up to date. you can let that go. he is in rehab. you can let that go. that leaves....YOU. no matter WHAT he does, you HAVE to be able to take care of yourself! that is what is most important here. YOU. and understanding what you are up against. know your enemy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 7
Maybe tomorrow, regretfully it may never happen.. The fact of the matter is until he finds it within himself to change this it never will. Sympathy shouldn't be given to an individual in my opinion ever. Some feel the other way, it's okay for a short amount of time but soon you have decide between being there for him as your (husband) or being there for the (Addict). Until the pain of using outweigh not using he won't find sobriety. It gets worse once you finally give it up, but in the scheme of things all of the pain becomes infinitely inconsequential, the gratification is all you ever imagined it to be.
Good luck to you I know your struggle. It's not accomplished easily but you can't do anything more for him. One day you will have to make a decision if he can't stop using, don't live in a life of constant worry and/ or a hopelessly devoted marriage. It's your life too.
Best Wishes.
Good luck to you I know your struggle. It's not accomplished easily but you can't do anything more for him. One day you will have to make a decision if he can't stop using, don't live in a life of constant worry and/ or a hopelessly devoted marriage. It's your life too.
Best Wishes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by KeepinItReal
BlueChair,
You were swung a curve ball. Even though I knew my husband used drugs (oxi's) I had no idea it was heroin until 8 months after I left him. This was due to his behavior. Wrong things he has done. He came clean to me when our son was less than a week old. He FINALLY asked for help. Still, it's been 3 years of recovery. Because of my husbands heavy drug use in his family, it was our decision he left out of state to go live with family. He did well, held a job, and we had great communication over the phone. He moved back as I run a family business in my area. It's great importance for me not to move (which I have guilt over and shouldn't). He did this for 1 year in another state and then came home. We went on a wonderful vacation to Disney and then he was locked up from legal issues from his past (after having a year sober) After that over the last two years he has had 1 year sober total. Six months sober, six months using, 6 months sober ... six months using and then his last time deciding to get all his legal issues over with and complete his time in jail to be done with it. I'm encouraging him to go to a 14 month program about an hour away because I know it's his life and forever on the line. If he comes home, and the same stressors keep happening, he will relapse and possibly die (or want to die). Not that the stressors are my fault. They are not. IT'S HIS INSIDE ISSUES. So no matter who, or what or when.. it's bound to happen unless dealt with and the addict comes to realize they need help on the inside. It's a complex and unique disease to all who have it. I'm really sorry your going through all this. I deal with the same sort of judgment. I get blamed for thing which I know are not my fault. Parents like to place blame, because they are blaming themselves everyday. They probably have a lot of guilt. I know I blame myself... but why is it my fault?? It's not rational. Best wishes!!
You were swung a curve ball. Even though I knew my husband used drugs (oxi's) I had no idea it was heroin until 8 months after I left him. This was due to his behavior. Wrong things he has done. He came clean to me when our son was less than a week old. He FINALLY asked for help. Still, it's been 3 years of recovery. Because of my husbands heavy drug use in his family, it was our decision he left out of state to go live with family. He did well, held a job, and we had great communication over the phone. He moved back as I run a family business in my area. It's great importance for me not to move (which I have guilt over and shouldn't). He did this for 1 year in another state and then came home. We went on a wonderful vacation to Disney and then he was locked up from legal issues from his past (after having a year sober) After that over the last two years he has had 1 year sober total. Six months sober, six months using, 6 months sober ... six months using and then his last time deciding to get all his legal issues over with and complete his time in jail to be done with it. I'm encouraging him to go to a 14 month program about an hour away because I know it's his life and forever on the line. If he comes home, and the same stressors keep happening, he will relapse and possibly die (or want to die). Not that the stressors are my fault. They are not. IT'S HIS INSIDE ISSUES. So no matter who, or what or when.. it's bound to happen unless dealt with and the addict comes to realize they need help on the inside. It's a complex and unique disease to all who have it. I'm really sorry your going through all this. I deal with the same sort of judgment. I get blamed for thing which I know are not my fault. Parents like to place blame, because they are blaming themselves everyday. They probably have a lot of guilt. I know I blame myself... but why is it my fault?? It's not rational. Best wishes!!
His parents do blame me for not being "perfect" and finding the drugs, and saying no I dont want you to come home, I guess after our talk I see they sort of blame me for not catching on sooner he was back to using, but they didnt catch it either and they were around. I guess we all feel guilt, and your right its not rational for you or me or any of us to feel that way. It is complex and so secretive a disease, like a snake you dont see it till its bitten you.
My husbands parents first arranged for him to go to a 30 day rehab, but long story they sent him straight to the hospital and wouldnt admit him after checking him over because he had this bad infection, not just strung out.
The doctor at the hospital said he needs more than 30 days with what he has been doing, so he is in 90, but his parents are saying with whats going on they dont think that will be enough, and I dont want him gone away but Id rather him stay 6 months or whatever than come home and fall back into it. His health is what is important and doing the INSIDE WORK like you said. Its brave of you both to be considering 14 months, but maybe in that time he can become who he needs to be on the inside for himself, you, and your kids. I hope so, you all deserve that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
It was good for his soul to come home for a few days.
um, was it? shooting up drugs isn't exactly GOOD for the soul....I know I sound negative, but at this point what YOU think is best for him probably isn't...cuz you are still operating from that place of "normal" - how YOU would feel in his situation....
but you don't GET the addict part. the living breathing evil demon inside....when I respond, I respond as a former crack addict and blind drunk black out drinker. my husband is also a former crack addict....20+ years of using....we are both now 8 something years clean. I was a slathering drooling dope fiend.
now his parents are up to date. you can let that go. he is in rehab. you can let that go. that leaves....YOU. no matter WHAT he does, you HAVE to be able to take care of yourself! that is what is most important here. YOU. and understanding what you are up against. know your enemy.
um, was it? shooting up drugs isn't exactly GOOD for the soul....I know I sound negative, but at this point what YOU think is best for him probably isn't...cuz you are still operating from that place of "normal" - how YOU would feel in his situation....
but you don't GET the addict part. the living breathing evil demon inside....when I respond, I respond as a former crack addict and blind drunk black out drinker. my husband is also a former crack addict....20+ years of using....we are both now 8 something years clean. I was a slathering drooling dope fiend.
now his parents are up to date. you can let that go. he is in rehab. you can let that go. that leaves....YOU. no matter WHAT he does, you HAVE to be able to take care of yourself! that is what is most important here. YOU. and understanding what you are up against. know your enemy.
I do want to say though, it wasnt me behind his coming home for the weekend, he arranged it all and I agreed to it. First mistake according to his parents. The doctor said though it was good for him to come home, would have been better had he not used of course.
I sort of get the feeling that you are team his parents by what you said, they are up to date. Is that what you meant? Just me Im out of sync, not tough enough like they said? I dont know if I can get tough its hard for me. I was so angry, and look the anger has faded for the most part and Im back to he is sick, and agreeing with the doctor this will be a learning experience for him. I mean I still have anger, but I guess Im tucking it away??
I dont think Im at a place to say I will be fine if he doesnt get better and come home and get on with life, no more using. If he comes home and takes off and starts shooting up then I wont be fine. I cant live that way for long though but it will smash my heart to bits if I have to leave him. I wont be fine for a long time, probably never totally fine again because I love him so much.
Last night we had our first family session together and I got to see him for the first time since that happened, and I dont know I was nervous but then the counselor said first thing 'group hug' then clarified 'just you two, not with me' and once he had his arms around me then it was all better. I DIDNT apologize for most of what I said, but I did apologize for calling him a coward, and disgusting. I explained and the doctor helped me understand why I blurted those things out. Still digesting the whole session, but I came away feeling positive, and now today seeing how long the road is going to be and how Ive got a lot to learn. This is why people should probably RUN before they fall in love with someone who has ever had problems that bad. ?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
for me it is interesting to consider the difference between the role of being a counselor who has a JOB that involves the addict and the role of being a loved one who has to LIVE with the addict...the counselor gets to go home in the evening, and after 30 days or whatever gets to say "good luck" and "good bye" to the addict...knowing how recalcitrant relapsing is and the slim recovery rates. Not so for the person who takes the addict home.
for the counselor it is an objective view...yeah, sure, it is probably best for any human being to receive love and patience and understanding, but that is easy for the counselor to "prescribe" to you...
but for a person who has been living with the frustration and despair of addiction and codependency that sort of "objective" view is probably next to impossible. sure,
I had to separate from my ex to have any sort of objectivity
I tried to have compassion and love and patience and tolerance while I was in relationship with him...but the truth was that if I was in relationship with him I was also in relationship with his addiction. I think it must take some pretty super human powers to not have frustration and despair while drugs are around. It also sucks up your life energy trying to remain detached and loving and patient while your loved one checks out of life in the closet...or car...or crackhouse, or what have you.
By the time I checked out by leaving the relationship I was exhausted. I had already done so much work to remain sober myself for several years (I am a recovering alcoholic) and after two years with him I swear I had done enough work trying to learn about addiction and understand him...I should have been awarded a PhD!
WTF? why do it? it is up to THEM to do it...not US.
Why oh why oh why oh why should YOU get "tough enough"...why do you have to learn these things for him?
al anon/ nar anon/ SR etc...learn for yourself about codependency.
"Codependent No More"...by Melody Beattie
or "Facing Codependency" by Pia Melody
Please learn about you, you will waste your time learning about him...
for the counselor it is an objective view...yeah, sure, it is probably best for any human being to receive love and patience and understanding, but that is easy for the counselor to "prescribe" to you...
but for a person who has been living with the frustration and despair of addiction and codependency that sort of "objective" view is probably next to impossible. sure,
I had to separate from my ex to have any sort of objectivity
I tried to have compassion and love and patience and tolerance while I was in relationship with him...but the truth was that if I was in relationship with him I was also in relationship with his addiction. I think it must take some pretty super human powers to not have frustration and despair while drugs are around. It also sucks up your life energy trying to remain detached and loving and patient while your loved one checks out of life in the closet...or car...or crackhouse, or what have you.
By the time I checked out by leaving the relationship I was exhausted. I had already done so much work to remain sober myself for several years (I am a recovering alcoholic) and after two years with him I swear I had done enough work trying to learn about addiction and understand him...I should have been awarded a PhD!
WTF? why do it? it is up to THEM to do it...not US.
Why oh why oh why oh why should YOU get "tough enough"...why do you have to learn these things for him?
al anon/ nar anon/ SR etc...learn for yourself about codependency.
"Codependent No More"...by Melody Beattie
or "Facing Codependency" by Pia Melody
Please learn about you, you will waste your time learning about him...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I sort of get the feeling that you are team his parents by what you said, they are up to date. Is that what you meant? Just me Im out of sync, not tough enough like they said?
no dear, not at all, i meant that now you have shared with them what is going on and they are up to date on the situation. you were worried about telling them, now you've done that, so that is one more thing you can let go and not burden yourself with.
addiction ain't for wussies. not that you ARE a wussy, but if it is your intent to stick this out for now and hope for the best, it will behoove you to toughen up a bit. part of the way we do that is with boundaries...where we define where WE end and the rest of the world begins...where WE end and where OUR partner begins....learn to define and label what is OURS and what is NOT.
how his parents reacted is THEIRS.
that your husband used on his first weekend home is HIS, except for how you feel about ANYONE using drugs in your home. and that your husband was FAR less than honest with you. i suspected coming home was HIS idea.....because i still hold to the fact that he KNEW there were drugs at home (whether it was valium or baby aspirin), he KNEW, and he HAD the gear. and instead of saying prior to even leaving the center that there were drugs/paraphanalia at home and could you please remove them, he did not. why? because he was protecting his addiction at ALL COSTS.
the other concept to wrap your brain around is that LOVE can't fix this. and you MIGHT have to let him go someday. or be dragged thru the nine circles of Hell. beat up and wore out. recovery is rarely a straight line....usually there are some stumbles and falls along the way. it's tough. not getting clean, but STAYING clean. every day, in every situation. actually my last husband got clean in 1985 and unless recently fell of the wagon now has 28 years clean. he got himself into rehab, came out and never looked back. so it IS Possible, but it's NOT probable in many cases.
believe in him? sure. but don't be FOOLED. more ACTION, less TALK. that's the key, people that are serious about recovery don't CHAT about it, don't sing their own praises or talk about what they PLAN to do, cuz they are too busy DOING IT. promises and oaths are meaningless.
you HAVE to look out for you first. meetings, therapist, good books, things that will help YOU. cuz ya didn't know at the time, but he silently signed you up for a marathon and it is best to do some practice laps!!!!
no dear, not at all, i meant that now you have shared with them what is going on and they are up to date on the situation. you were worried about telling them, now you've done that, so that is one more thing you can let go and not burden yourself with.
addiction ain't for wussies. not that you ARE a wussy, but if it is your intent to stick this out for now and hope for the best, it will behoove you to toughen up a bit. part of the way we do that is with boundaries...where we define where WE end and the rest of the world begins...where WE end and where OUR partner begins....learn to define and label what is OURS and what is NOT.
how his parents reacted is THEIRS.
that your husband used on his first weekend home is HIS, except for how you feel about ANYONE using drugs in your home. and that your husband was FAR less than honest with you. i suspected coming home was HIS idea.....because i still hold to the fact that he KNEW there were drugs at home (whether it was valium or baby aspirin), he KNEW, and he HAD the gear. and instead of saying prior to even leaving the center that there were drugs/paraphanalia at home and could you please remove them, he did not. why? because he was protecting his addiction at ALL COSTS.
the other concept to wrap your brain around is that LOVE can't fix this. and you MIGHT have to let him go someday. or be dragged thru the nine circles of Hell. beat up and wore out. recovery is rarely a straight line....usually there are some stumbles and falls along the way. it's tough. not getting clean, but STAYING clean. every day, in every situation. actually my last husband got clean in 1985 and unless recently fell of the wagon now has 28 years clean. he got himself into rehab, came out and never looked back. so it IS Possible, but it's NOT probable in many cases.
believe in him? sure. but don't be FOOLED. more ACTION, less TALK. that's the key, people that are serious about recovery don't CHAT about it, don't sing their own praises or talk about what they PLAN to do, cuz they are too busy DOING IT. promises and oaths are meaningless.
you HAVE to look out for you first. meetings, therapist, good books, things that will help YOU. cuz ya didn't know at the time, but he silently signed you up for a marathon and it is best to do some practice laps!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
addiction ain't for wussies. not that you ARE a wussy, but if it is your intent to stick this out for now and hope for the best, it will behoove you to toughen up a bit. part of the way we do that is with boundaries...where we define where WE end and the rest of the world begins...where WE end and where OUR partner begins....learn to define and label what is OURS and what is NOT.
how his parents reacted is THEIRS.
that your husband used on his first weekend home is HIS, except for how you feel about ANYONE using drugs in your home. and that your husband was FAR less than honest with you. i suspected coming home was HIS idea.....because i still hold to the fact that he KNEW there were drugs at home (whether it was valium or baby aspirin), he KNEW, and he HAD the gear. and instead of saying prior to even leaving the center that there were drugs/paraphanalia at home and could you please remove them, he did not. why? because he was protecting his addiction at ALL COSTS.
how his parents reacted is THEIRS.
that your husband used on his first weekend home is HIS, except for how you feel about ANYONE using drugs in your home. and that your husband was FAR less than honest with you. i suspected coming home was HIS idea.....because i still hold to the fact that he KNEW there were drugs at home (whether it was valium or baby aspirin), he KNEW, and he HAD the gear. and instead of saying prior to even leaving the center that there were drugs/paraphanalia at home and could you please remove them, he did not. why? because he was protecting his addiction at ALL COSTS.
I know it shouldnt be but it is like a punch in the stomach. He outright lied to ME, all premeditated. Trust ? where did that go.
You know your stuff AH. Can you recommend any good books on setting boundaries? I am going to start taking therapy sessions more seriously, I am going to be going once a week now and I hope this will help me. I know I cant compare, but his parents never would have bought his lie, his mom would have turned the house upside down, brought in a drug sniffing dog and that house would have been clean. But with me, he just says no, and Im in lala land thinking all is swell while he is sitting in the floor shooting up.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by Vale
Speaking as a parent.....your parents care about YOU.
Put enough pressure on anyone (me included), and you
will find where their loyalty truly lies ( pardon pun )
Think of breakfast..... bacon & eggs.....the chicken
participates, but the pig is COMMITTED!
Do something nice for YOU today... something apart
from any difficult situation. You deserve it.
The central structure of addiction is a lie....the lie
that we somehow/someway mistreatment.
WE DON'T. And never did.
Put enough pressure on anyone (me included), and you
will find where their loyalty truly lies ( pardon pun )
Think of breakfast..... bacon & eggs.....the chicken
participates, but the pig is COMMITTED!
Do something nice for YOU today... something apart
from any difficult situation. You deserve it.
The central structure of addiction is a lie....the lie
that we somehow/someway mistreatment.
WE DON'T. And never did.
sorry-left out central word!
The central structure of addiction is a lie....the lie
that we somehow/someway DESERVE mistreatment.
WE DON'T. And never did.[/QUOTE]
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by BlueChair
This is why people should probably RUN before they fall in love with someone who has ever had problems that bad. ?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
You know …
His mother turning the house upside down to protect him from himself isn’t healthy either.
This is where most have problems. HE IS AN ADDICT. Yeah I know he is in treatment, but this is the beginning ... just no using doesn't mean you aren't still in active addiction… And it didn’t all matter what drugs were or weren’t in the home, it seems he already had the relapse planned, for whatever the reason. If he didn’t you would have never had to ask to begin with if there were drugs there … he would have said something or finished the stash before he left. If an addict wants to use they will, end of story. Interference may delay them, but it certainly won’t stop them. Understanding what is going on in his head, not possible.
It isn’t your job to pick his truth from his lies.
Do not take the lies personal as they aren’t. And remember it still will always be the lies that you tell yourself that will do the most damage.
And really what would you do with the truth … If you asked and he said yes there are and I am going to use them … what could you do, would you do … and really should you do anything at all?
Acceptance goes a long way as well.
Accepting he is an addict, accepting you have no control over anyone’s thoughts, feelings, actions, well except your own.
Accepting that you are capable as is he, of finding your way.
The run comment... don't worry about it. I knew I didn't run. It made no sense to at the time. In the end I am grateful for the path I took, if I didn't get to where I ended up from that initial choice I doubt I would be as healthy or sane as I am now...I learned so much, even why I didn't run, he was an awesome open door to a past I loved and hated at the same time.
His mother turning the house upside down to protect him from himself isn’t healthy either.
This is where most have problems. HE IS AN ADDICT. Yeah I know he is in treatment, but this is the beginning ... just no using doesn't mean you aren't still in active addiction… And it didn’t all matter what drugs were or weren’t in the home, it seems he already had the relapse planned, for whatever the reason. If he didn’t you would have never had to ask to begin with if there were drugs there … he would have said something or finished the stash before he left. If an addict wants to use they will, end of story. Interference may delay them, but it certainly won’t stop them. Understanding what is going on in his head, not possible.
It isn’t your job to pick his truth from his lies.
Do not take the lies personal as they aren’t. And remember it still will always be the lies that you tell yourself that will do the most damage.
And really what would you do with the truth … If you asked and he said yes there are and I am going to use them … what could you do, would you do … and really should you do anything at all?
Acceptance goes a long way as well.
Accepting he is an addict, accepting you have no control over anyone’s thoughts, feelings, actions, well except your own.
Accepting that you are capable as is he, of finding your way.
The run comment... don't worry about it. I knew I didn't run. It made no sense to at the time. In the end I am grateful for the path I took, if I didn't get to where I ended up from that initial choice I doubt I would be as healthy or sane as I am now...I learned so much, even why I didn't run, he was an awesome open door to a past I loved and hated at the same time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by lesliej
for me it is interesting to consider the difference between the role of being a counselor who has a JOB that involves the addict and the role of being a loved one who has to LIVE with the addict...the counselor gets to go home in the evening, and after 30 days or whatever gets to say "good luck" and "good bye" to the addict...knowing how recalcitrant relapsing is and the slim recovery rates. Not so for the person who takes the addict home.
for the counselor it is an objective view...yeah, sure, it is probably best for any human being to receive love and patience and understanding, but that is easy for the counselor to "prescribe" to you...
but for a person who has been living with the frustration and despair of addiction and codependency that sort of "objective" view is probably next to impossible. sure,
I had to separate from my ex to have any sort of objectivity
I tried to have compassion and love and patience and tolerance while I was in relationship with him...but the truth was that if I was in relationship with him I was also in relationship with his addiction. I think it must take some pretty super human powers to not have frustration and despair while drugs are around. It also sucks up your life energy trying to remain detached and loving and patient while your loved one checks out of life in the closet...or car...or crackhouse, or what have you.
By the time I checked out by leaving the relationship I was exhausted. I had already done so much work to remain sober myself for several years (I am a recovering alcoholic) and after two years with him I swear I had done enough work trying to learn about addiction and understand him...I should have been awarded a PhD!
WTF? why do it? it is up to THEM to do it...not US.
Why oh why oh why oh why should YOU get "tough enough"...why do you have to learn these things for him?
al anon/ nar anon/ SR etc...learn for yourself about codependency.
"Codependent No More"...by Melody Beattie
or "Facing Codependency" by Pia Melody
Please learn about you, you will waste your time learning about him...
for the counselor it is an objective view...yeah, sure, it is probably best for any human being to receive love and patience and understanding, but that is easy for the counselor to "prescribe" to you...
but for a person who has been living with the frustration and despair of addiction and codependency that sort of "objective" view is probably next to impossible. sure,
I had to separate from my ex to have any sort of objectivity
I tried to have compassion and love and patience and tolerance while I was in relationship with him...but the truth was that if I was in relationship with him I was also in relationship with his addiction. I think it must take some pretty super human powers to not have frustration and despair while drugs are around. It also sucks up your life energy trying to remain detached and loving and patient while your loved one checks out of life in the closet...or car...or crackhouse, or what have you.
By the time I checked out by leaving the relationship I was exhausted. I had already done so much work to remain sober myself for several years (I am a recovering alcoholic) and after two years with him I swear I had done enough work trying to learn about addiction and understand him...I should have been awarded a PhD!
WTF? why do it? it is up to THEM to do it...not US.
Why oh why oh why oh why should YOU get "tough enough"...why do you have to learn these things for him?
al anon/ nar anon/ SR etc...learn for yourself about codependency.
"Codependent No More"...by Melody Beattie
or "Facing Codependency" by Pia Melody
Please learn about you, you will waste your time learning about him...
thanks for the book suggestions !!! I have a list going.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Bluechair...you don't HAVE to compare to his parents.
You don't have to turn the house upside down or get a drug sniffing dog. If he was already thinking about using it wouldn't matter if the drugs were gone... he would have just left the "clean house" to go "get a soda" and would have gone and bought drugs instead. You can't protect him from his addiction or keep a clean house for him. You can only envision the kind of life you want, and then commit yourself to it. Set your own boundaries...not his.
You don't have to turn the house upside down or get a drug sniffing dog. If he was already thinking about using it wouldn't matter if the drugs were gone... he would have just left the "clean house" to go "get a soda" and would have gone and bought drugs instead. You can't protect him from his addiction or keep a clean house for him. You can only envision the kind of life you want, and then commit yourself to it. Set your own boundaries...not his.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Sure you know what addiction feels like.
Hold your breath. As long as you can. Maybe in the pool, or bathtub. Then, in a shorth time, when you start to panic for air, you will do anything. ANYTHING. to breathe.
That is a craving.
Treatment teaches us how to live the rest of our lives without breathing.
The only difference between the experiment for a non addicted person and an addict is that if and when you breathe, you will live. Keep breathing. Keep living. We breath, and we die.
I know it seems extreme, maybe its just cuz I havent figured it out yet and I am still in treatment (outpatient) but that is what it is like for me.
Dragons really are beautiful creatures. In pictures. You just cant keep one as a pet. You cant keep someone in your life who is chasing one.
The Dragon burns everything that gets close to it. Either that, or it eats them alive.
Hugs. Im sorry that the dragon has burned you.
Hold your breath. As long as you can. Maybe in the pool, or bathtub. Then, in a shorth time, when you start to panic for air, you will do anything. ANYTHING. to breathe.
That is a craving.
Treatment teaches us how to live the rest of our lives without breathing.
The only difference between the experiment for a non addicted person and an addict is that if and when you breathe, you will live. Keep breathing. Keep living. We breath, and we die.
I know it seems extreme, maybe its just cuz I havent figured it out yet and I am still in treatment (outpatient) but that is what it is like for me.
Dragons really are beautiful creatures. In pictures. You just cant keep one as a pet. You cant keep someone in your life who is chasing one.
The Dragon burns everything that gets close to it. Either that, or it eats them alive.
Hugs. Im sorry that the dragon has burned you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Lily1918
Sure you know what addiction feels like.
Hold your breath. As long as you can. Maybe in the pool, or bathtub. Then, in a shorth time, when you start to panic for air, you will do anything. ANYTHING. to breathe.
That is a craving.
Treatment teaches us how to live the rest of our lives without breathing.
The only difference between the experiment for a non addicted person and an addict is that if and when you breathe, you will live. Keep breathing. Keep living. We breath, and we die.
I know it seems extreme, maybe its just cuz I havent figured it out yet and I am still in treatment (outpatient) but that is what it is like for me.
Dragons really are beautiful creatures. In pictures. You just cant keep one as a pet. You cant keep someone in your life who is chasing one.
The Dragon burns everything that gets close to it. Either that, or it eats them alive.
Hugs. Im sorry that the dragon has burned you.
Hold your breath. As long as you can. Maybe in the pool, or bathtub. Then, in a shorth time, when you start to panic for air, you will do anything. ANYTHING. to breathe.
That is a craving.
Treatment teaches us how to live the rest of our lives without breathing.
The only difference between the experiment for a non addicted person and an addict is that if and when you breathe, you will live. Keep breathing. Keep living. We breath, and we die.
I know it seems extreme, maybe its just cuz I havent figured it out yet and I am still in treatment (outpatient) but that is what it is like for me.
Dragons really are beautiful creatures. In pictures. You just cant keep one as a pet. You cant keep someone in your life who is chasing one.
The Dragon burns everything that gets close to it. Either that, or it eats them alive.
Hugs. Im sorry that the dragon has burned you.
BlueChair,
I agree with the others, you cant blame yourself for not finding the drugs in the house. The will to not use has to come from him, no matter how much you want to you cant protect him, he will always have the opportunity to get drugs if he wants them. When my husband was in rehab, there was a time when his friend from work (drug dealer to him) came by the house to drop off something that belonged to my husband. I told him he was in rehab, and to please leave him alone and to not try to get him to buy drugs from him. He told me that no one was forcing him, and no one was going to come chasing after him trying to get him back in the group. He was right. I couldn't blame him or anyone else, it was my husband that had to make the choices. He still works for the same company as that guy, and others who he used with. He could get back in anytime he wanted to, he just doesn't want to. Hopefully this relapse will be a tool for him to learn more about his addiction and his recovery. He is still in treatment, and he could have not went back, or left when he threatened to. He made the choice to stay, so that says a lot.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
