KeepinItReal

I feel so sad for you bluechair. My husband has the same addiction. However, no two addicts are alike. But they are all the same. Does that make any sense?
We love them so much, so deeply. We want them to love us with the same 100% love. They would if they weren't addicts. They want to love us more, but can't because of their disease.
I pray that you seek your Higher Powers guidance in such a difficult time. I remember being there and feeling angry, lost, confused. When I found out how "bad" it was our son was only 3 days old. Good luck.

BlueChair

It feels like you understand exactly about the love part. I am coming to terms with this right now, its like I was so angry and thinking he took our whole amazing weekend away from me because once i found out he lied, and he used it made my heart sick. I went through a session at the rehab and it explained all about addiction and how it works, and Ive read a lot of books already, so I know in my head what happened is not uncommon, and even I should have expected it. I guess I wanted to believe so badly that these few weeks in rehab had put him back in this solid place, but again in my head I know its only a tiny amount of time, and he has been suffering with PAWS (post withdrawal symptoms) and he has been having a hard time. Im so relieved he stayed there, I mean he did that on his own, so I feel like he is trying. Thank you so much for your post, and Im sorry for what you are going through. I just read another of your posts, and I can tell you are hurting too, and also being strong and brave. Your son and your husband are lucky to have you.

BlueChair

Went for a nice long walk this morning and watched the fog lifting, met with a friend for breakfast, and Im feeling almost strong enough to face his parents. I think I have to tell them because I feel they have the right to know what happened.

Vale

Like Ann said, take care of yourself because noone is
going to do it for you. If they SAY they will---do a reality
check......what some might call a ground truth.
Talking is easier than doing, and promising is writing
a check. It can sit in your pocket a LONG time but until
you go cash it in it is nothing but a promise.
We are arguably the most successful species on the
planet---and it is not because we COMPETE better (they
ALL do that!) It is because we cooperate. Central to
cooperation is trust. You give me $ to do X, I take that
$ and take my family to dinner with it. No guns, no
dogfights, no living like starving dogs in hell.
Addiction doesn't work that way. It works more on the
line of "what a bunch of weak sucks----I give them BS words
and they give me resources/$/shelter"...
And it works! With one big caveat. It only works for a little
while----then the trust/credibility is gone.Hard gone.
Then it's the life of a feral animal-----a fate I wouldn't wish
on my worst enemy.Some right here on SR have been to that
hell and back again, and having lived to tell--///- share their wisdom
with us on SR. To them I am, and will always remain.... truly grateful!
SR friends&family section isn't about helping the addict--
it is about helping YOU!

Twofish

Hi Bluechair, Seems to always get worse. I have two addicted children. One in recovery the other...I don't know what she is. She detoxed, with the help of a Dr. but refused to get inpt therapy. The younger girl did get therapy and is thriving, so far. Anyway, the older girl tells the younger one she wants to go on Methadone or Subonoxone. Humm...that makes me think she is using again? Or maybe this PAWS? These are children that to look at them, you would never think they were Heroin users. Addiction doesn't care what you look like, where you come from, or how much you are loved. Addiction simply takes, takes and takes some more. I miss my pre-knowing they were addicts, children. They have this emptiness look to them. Like they are lost? They miss the numbing effects that opiates gave them. I wish I could give you some magic fixer upper, to make our loved ones to be like they were before. I simply can't. What I can offer you is support that you are not alone. Many of us will suffer this rath of addiction, the hours of worry and the flood of tears that seems to never end. I hope our loved ones make it out, that they get it that they are addicts and can never return to that hellhole again. Take care of yourself Bluechair, take the blame out of your life, be strong, if that's possible. Hugs and meetings! TF

BlueChair

Talking to his parents was awful

lizwig

I'm sorry bluechair. It has to be incredibly difficult. They need to know the truth though. I hope they understood how much courage it took for you to come clean with them. I'm sure they are as shell-shocked as you were. At least your husband knows you will no longer hide things on his behalf...You did the right thing.

BlueChair

They never touched on the "courage" part. And they didnt seem shell-shocked it was mostly a "we told you so" type of conversation, and informing me how much I dont know. I know most of what was said to me was probably true but they lack a lot of tact and I felt it was meant to be hurtful. A couple of the high points were being told "he would f*** me and shoot up at the same time if he could, and hope to climax on both in the same moment" from his dad. something about "it didnt have anything to do with him loving me, it had to do with plasticity - some kind of memory of his brain" also from his dad. His mom telling me she loves me like a daughter, but he was relapsing for months and I didnt know it, he did all this financial damage, got into a huge legal mess, screwed prostitutes (she said it worse) (and he and I still havent talked about this so?), spit on our marriage vows, possibly exposed me to aids, hepatitis and about four other things, and she didnt understand how I could still want to have a weekend alone with him, and look because of that he relapsed again. All said in a very confusing tone. And then how I dont listen, I dont know him when "the switch flips" in his head, and I dont understand how to deal with him, so I need to trust they know whats best, I need to toughen up because until "the switch" gets flipped back and his brain heals, I have to realize things are different.

There was more but those stick out in my mind.

lizwig

Wow. That does sound harsh. As a mother of an active addict I can only tell you the level of frustration I have reached with my son. I have watched him destroy relationships with really nice, smart girls. He is very good looking, tall, funny, charismatic...until he relapses. Then the more they try to understand him the worse he becomes. A true Jekyll and Hyde. As a parent you are helpless. I have told the two I was attached to the horrible truth. That although he was my son...I recognize they deserve more. I encouraged them both to set boundaries with him. One I had to really be straight with. I still have contact with both of them. I couldn't save him and they couldn't either. He couldn't care less he had lost two great girlfriends. He had his drug buddies and his drugs and they took priority. His parents may be trying to get you to see the cold, hard truth. Mix that with a big helping of disappointment and reality and you've got two parents scared sh@$less about who their son has become. Try to keep in mind they love him too. They are likely scared, ashamed and want him, more than anything, to stop hurting the people who love him the most. It's the hardest challenge I have ever faced.

pacificsunrise

BlueChair,

so sorry to hear about the way it went with his parents. not sure if they "meant well". my addict is my husband, so I wouldn't know what it feels to have an addicted child. however, what you shared about how they worded their opinion is awful to me. sure, they are entitled to their feeling, but talking about intimate details like that (his dad) made me almost sick to my stomach.

i'm sorry. I think to say that they might have lacked tact is an understatement. surely, they were disappointed, angry, and all the other emotions like lizwig said, but they had no right to take that out on you. if they were trying to give you a wake up call, maybe they should have been honest with you about what they knew about their son without attacking your judgment or the way you feel. and all the profanity is just beyond me. IMO they should appreciate you for loving their son and being a wonderful, caring wife. you are someone that is on their side and they are just taking their frustrations out on you.

and the part about how they know better and you should have listened to him. well you are not a five year old to be told how and when to do things. everyone has a 20/20 hindsight and you did what you thought was best at the time.

please do not blame yourself. we all have done things we later wished we haven't, but we did the best we knew how with the information that we were given.

take care of yourself. it took great courage to do everything that you are doing. you cannot change your husband or them, but you can ensure to surround yourself with people who are supportive and gentle with you through your tough times. take care. hugs and hope to you.

EnglishGarden

I'm stunned by the parents' abusive language (it was very abusive toward you). I frankly think they do not "know better" and I think you should NOT trust that they know what is best for anyone.

The father's words were corrosive (like acid) and sexually abusive toward you. The mother's words were degrading toward you and passive-aggressive (coating her barbs in a veil of concern for you). Both of them are into power and control and I would not trust them in the least with my emotional life, my secrets, my fears, or most of all, my self-doubt. These are scorpions who will sting later. In my opinion based on their language.

I'm sorry for your being caught up in this chaos, Blue Chair. And you are young and haven't much life experience to use to help yourself in this situation.

You are at risk of becoming the scapegoat for this very sick family, and it is important you find at least one sane person, where you are, whom you can trust to be completely rational and objective, someone with experience and maturity. Your gut will let you know this person is safe. Just as your gut has let you know your in-laws are unsafe. You feel awful for a reason. It is a GOOD sign, the awful feeling: it is your Divine wisdom telling you that these are vampires.

You can find healthy people to support you in this crisis in your marriage. Stick with them. Someone with a lot of recovery. A counselor. A mature and stable member of your own family. You need back-up. Find your people.

Vale

Sorry,BC.
Please limit your exposure to this dysfunctional bunch of vampires.
They have made their choices, and your life & future happiness depend
on your knowing (at the gut level) that you are too good to be treated
this way.
Vampires 'love' the people who drive the bloodmobile around.After
a day of collecting donations----- they are as happy as pigs in sh** that
you would cosider parking it in their garage overnight.

You deserve better.

You feel it in your gut,

then form it in your intellect and execute.

BlueChair

Thank you guys for rallying around me. His parents are not bad people at all, they are more like pillars of the community and all that. I know they were very upset and I think they felt like we (me and husband) had betrayed them by not telling them he was going to come home for the holiday weekend. I think they write him off as being sick, but with me they are angry because they told me before between hospital and rehab, it wasnt safe for him to come home, and they told me the house had to be cleaned out so no drugs were there before he came home. I didnt want him to come home for a booty call, and I tried to make sure it was all being handled like it should. I talked to his doctor and his counselor. They said it was ok for the weekend, and he had been feeling better the past week, more stable from the paws and as long as he was surrounded by family then it could be a good thing for him. I didnt tell them his parents were going out of town. We had just a close weekend, visited my parents, walked on the beach, talked a lot.

His parents dont usually use profanity, well his dad curses sometimes but not to me in conversation. I think he was trying to make the point that when he is using drugs, then things sink to a low level, and his mind isnt on a romantic weekend with his wife. I dont know its all confusing to me, when I talked to his doctor I asked him if my husband was really not getting high like he told me, but was only sort of self medicating his anxiety level. The doctor said he got high when he injected the valium, but overall on that drug with the quantity he believes he had on hand at home, he was trying to self medicate because he had been feeling so bad. Its not that it makes it better because it was a million times wrong, and he knew it. I think Im getting off on a another subject, but I think this is what his dad was trying to say drugs are dirty and disgusting, and when he is on them he is too.

I cant fight with them, they said a lot of nice things too about how they were so happy I love him so much, and Im good for him, and he is happy, and he needs my love and support. But yeah I did feel like they were degrading me as far as having any knowledge or being able to deal with my husband and the situation. But I read here too and I know I have a lot to learn, and people sometimes try to say it in a nice way, but they are shouting in their post, you are naive and have a lot to learn. I wish it would all go away and go back to the way it was before he got sick

. all for caring.

Vale

BC,
My post was too harsh, and I apologize.

I just hate seeing people used. With the 'big future payoff' being
held 3 feet in front of their noses---- but never gets any closer.
( think of the donkey with the carrot held out in front of him on a
stick......to make him go).

With a sample set of 1, take my advice with a grain of salt
( or a shaker,or the Morton Salt Company, or the whole goddamned
ocean if you like).

The hero payoff never comes.All that happens is people throw
away things of incalculable value ( like time) ......chasing it.

There are 7 billion fish out there.A whole lot of them come without
severe complications. Ask my bride. She's had 28 yrs to throw me back.
She definitely got the short end of the stick------but not a WHOLE lot shorter.

You owe NOONE a lifetime of pain,suffering, and loss.

NOONE.

BlueChair

You have nothing to apologize for Vale. I feel like you were standing up for me, and thats like wow very sweet. I had to clarify that you know they are not bad people, just people in a bad situation, very emotional, worried, anxious, trying to keep living, but I know they have feelings I cant even imagine, and they cant imagine all mine. My parents were so angry ! My mom was going to call over there and tell them off, and Im like that is not going to help, we are all upset so we cant turn on each other and have to let some of the words go. But my mom was fuming, and I dont think my dad could imagine talking anything about what goes on in our bedroom with anyone so he was ultra quiet !! I dont think he thinks we have a bedroom even, maybe bunk beds or something. Thats my dad. I guess my husbands parents have had to face a lot of stuff and think about a lot of things most parents dont worry so much about.

I like your post Vale. Sometimes I have to read them twice.

YearForMe

People freak out....and it doesn't matter if they are parents, spouse or other.

The path of enlightenment that you are on
pertaining to drugs
knowledge of drugs
etc.

is YOUR path. This is your lesson to learn...your mountain to climb....
it just happens that they are having a somewhat parallel experience with the same drug
addict. But their path is theirs...and yours is yours.

Look at the EGO involved in telling you they know best....and you don't.....
If they know...then why is the guy not clean and living a productive life with his wife?

If they know best....
and they block your path in seeking knowledge....
then you will go down another path....but the lesson will be waiting on that one too.

zoso77

One of the biggest lessons I've learned from dealing with an addict (who also has a character disorder) is what they say and what they do are often orthogonal to each other. Based on that, you have to assess a person by their actions.

He is an addict. This is what addicts do. And while your anger is justified and understandable, make sure it doesn't distract you from doing what you need to do. Which is taking care of you.

ZoSo

lesliej

who cares HOW it was said?

was it said with profanity? was it said in a degrading tone? was it said without kindness? was it said in a harsh way?

who cares???

you have to look at the content of the message they are sending...not the tone!!

the content is that you have a lying manipulative active addict who consorts with prostitutes

it sounds to me like you want his parents to walk on eggshells around you...expecting them to be gentle in how they deliver an awful message about their son...like you want them to go easy on the truth and enable your codependency.

romantic weekend with your husband?
he is in TREATMENT for IV DRUG ADDICTION

Kindeyes

As the parent of an addict, I hate the truth about my son's addiction. The truth is harsh. Addiction is harsh.

His parents spoke their truth.......that doesn't mean that it has to meet the standards of anyone else. I absolutely guarantee you that it hurts them to the very core of their being to see what their son's addiction is doing and has done to you, himself, and everyone around him.....and it is completely and totally out of their control. Their honesty was harsh. I have no doubt that it was very hard to hear what they had to say and my heart goes out to you for what you are dealing with.

Please.....take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

heatherp78

Oh Hun I don't know what to say xxxxxoooo