Need Help to Let My Adult Son go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 5
Need Help to Let My Adult Son go
On Aug. 1st my adult son overdosed on oxy, marijuana, and benzos. He has been in and out of treatment and has previously tried suboxone.
He has a 5 yr old son, the light of my life, and I absolutely adore his wife.
Since his overdose which he almost died. 5 days in ICU. 5 days on life support. Multi organ failure. Heart attack. Ventilator.
Now he is still drinking even though his body has been so damaged. He is totally checked out and we think he is also on something else. Yesterday he drank 12 tall beers in a 4 to 5 hour period plus whatever else - just sitting in his living room on his son's first day of kindergarten.
He is great when he's great - high earner - but complete *******, cheat and liar when he's high. This has been going on since he was 15 - just continuing to spiral. I think I need to completely leave him alone -
p.s. I am the one who found him when he overdosed and I performed CPR and called 911. I am 24 years in recovery from alcoholism and know how to detach. But this has reached the level of truly needing to give up. His wife and son can't survive without his financial support. I never thought it would get this bad. I have been in shock since it happened. So much easier to tell others what to do than to do it myself.
He has a 5 yr old son, the light of my life, and I absolutely adore his wife.
Since his overdose which he almost died. 5 days in ICU. 5 days on life support. Multi organ failure. Heart attack. Ventilator.
Now he is still drinking even though his body has been so damaged. He is totally checked out and we think he is also on something else. Yesterday he drank 12 tall beers in a 4 to 5 hour period plus whatever else - just sitting in his living room on his son's first day of kindergarten.
He is great when he's great - high earner - but complete *******, cheat and liar when he's high. This has been going on since he was 15 - just continuing to spiral. I think I need to completely leave him alone -
p.s. I am the one who found him when he overdosed and I performed CPR and called 911. I am 24 years in recovery from alcoholism and know how to detach. But this has reached the level of truly needing to give up. His wife and son can't survive without his financial support. I never thought it would get this bad. I have been in shock since it happened. So much easier to tell others what to do than to do it myself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello call911, Welcome to SR!
I think I'm not telling you something you don't know already--but really there is nothing you or anyone else can do unless and until your son decides he wants recovery for himself.
My husband and I had to let his son go. He needed to go and learn about life on life's terms--to live with his decisions and their consequences. It was hard, but absolutely necessary for him and for us.
Here is a thread that really helped me early on:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please take good care of that lovely grandbaby and of your own recovery. Come back here and vent or talk whenever you need.
I think I'm not telling you something you don't know already--but really there is nothing you or anyone else can do unless and until your son decides he wants recovery for himself.
My husband and I had to let his son go. He needed to go and learn about life on life's terms--to live with his decisions and their consequences. It was hard, but absolutely necessary for him and for us.
Here is a thread that really helped me early on:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please take good care of that lovely grandbaby and of your own recovery. Come back here and vent or talk whenever you need.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry it has come to this and hope he finds a better path soon.
I didn't let go of my son for over 10 years, and it almost killed me while he continued to use. It took me that long to realize and accept that "I am powerless over my son's addiction".
It helps me to say a prayer every morning and give his care to God. I can then live my life well, as life was intended to be lived.
His wife and son may need to explore alternative means of support. You can't count on an active addict to be responsible for family needs and commitments and the better prepared she is, the more options she will feel are available to her.
I will keep your son in my prayers, it's just sad to watch someone we love self-destruct.
Hugs
I didn't let go of my son for over 10 years, and it almost killed me while he continued to use. It took me that long to realize and accept that "I am powerless over my son's addiction".
It helps me to say a prayer every morning and give his care to God. I can then live my life well, as life was intended to be lived.
His wife and son may need to explore alternative means of support. You can't count on an active addict to be responsible for family needs and commitments and the better prepared she is, the more options she will feel are available to her.
I will keep your son in my prayers, it's just sad to watch someone we love self-destruct.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The spiral is very hard to watch........
Recognizing that there is nothing I can do is hard. Accepting my own powerlessness over my son's addiction is.....hard. I can't imagine finding your son OD'd......very frightening.
It is so much easier to tell others what to do than it is to do it ourselves.....that's one of the reasons we try to refrain from giving advice and we share our own experience, strength and hope. There may be a smidgen of something that others can pull from our sharing.
Stick around. There's a whole posse of mamas (and Dads) here on SR who have experienced some pretty terrifying experiences with their addicted adult children.......their stories may help.....just as yours may help them.
I have several friends who are "double winners" and have lots of AA or NA recovery under their belts but when faced with their own children's addiction or alcoholism....it brought them to their knees. It's a very different battle.
We'll walk with you. I'll keep you, your dear son, and all who love him in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Recognizing that there is nothing I can do is hard. Accepting my own powerlessness over my son's addiction is.....hard. I can't imagine finding your son OD'd......very frightening.
It is so much easier to tell others what to do than it is to do it ourselves.....that's one of the reasons we try to refrain from giving advice and we share our own experience, strength and hope. There may be a smidgen of something that others can pull from our sharing.
Stick around. There's a whole posse of mamas (and Dads) here on SR who have experienced some pretty terrifying experiences with their addicted adult children.......their stories may help.....just as yours may help them.
I have several friends who are "double winners" and have lots of AA or NA recovery under their belts but when faced with their own children's addiction or alcoholism....it brought them to their knees. It's a very different battle.
We'll walk with you. I'll keep you, your dear son, and all who love him in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 5
Kindeyes - I so much needed to hear what you said about it being so hard to do ourselves. I have sponsored many in AA - and have successfully detached from my son's in their alcoholism. But a near death experience and knowing that he may not survive if it happens again - well - that puts things on a completely different level. A relapse of alcohol is not life threatening - but a relapse for my son at this point just one more time could be. I can't believe how many families are going through this. Doesn't it make people angry that the drugs are so easy to get?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 5
Ann - that is exactly what I have said. I just can't watch him kill himself anymore. Which is so hard because I feel like I am abandoning him because I know he relies on me emotionally at times though he wouldn't like to admit it. I am afraid what he will feel if I detach from him that way. Is that normal for me to feel this way?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 5
Seren - thank you so much. I have been reading this site and finally made the decision to sign in and start talking. I've been to alanon - and it helps - but I need to talk - and ask questions. Thank you all for being here. I feel better right now for this.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Call911 - There is some great experience, strength and hope from other mom's and dad's. Some of that has already reached you and I am adding my own. My son like yours is currently in the grips of addiction. We need to detach with love and let them be. I have learnt here not to be focused on outcomes or timelines. Let go and change, for better or worse, will happen in its own time. Your son likely knows what to do and how to get help when he is ready.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
So difficult when they are our children. How do you let a child go? I like to say that I disconnect for now. I know not to give them resources. My next step is to not give advice....another way to disconnect.
We are all a work in progress.
We are all a work in progress.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello dear 911, I just want you to know you are NOT alone. I am a Mother of a 23 year old addict who for TODAY is in recovery. Heroin and meth. It is the hardest and worst feeling in the world to know you lost them (sometimes again) to a relapse. My son has struggled for 3 years. Several stints in jail and now in a rehab in the mountains of SD. I have learned that powerlessness is empowering. If you really can let them go, the miracle can happen. I see miracles daily where before I could not. Love your son, be there for the grandchild and set your boundaries. My son has been 5150 twice for suicidal thoughts (from huge consequences). He is starting to see the light and I had NOTHING to do with it! I find that when I am thinking I should do something to right the situation, my state of mind goes panic and anxiety. When I let go, the small inner voice assures me it will be alright. That is how we detach with love. For what its worth, faith is all we really have isn't it?
Hugs and support to you and the family,
TT
Hugs and support to you and the family,
TT
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