A temperature check on my mental health

Old 09-04-2013, 12:50 PM
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A temperature check on my mental health

I have been off work these last 2 weeks. Just staying at home doing nothing much. I have been spending a lot of time on this forum and reading up on addiction etc. learning from the members here as well as my reading. Unfortunately, I have been brooding about my son quite a lot as well.

I have a low level of background anxiety about my son. I have not heard from him in a few days. I know his job ended this weekend and the last time I met him, he had indicated that he will call the detox centre. I have purposefully not tried to contact him as I want to give him space to do what he needs to to do. But I will be disappointed if I learn that he still is not done with, using yet. Will it be 2 more days or 20 more years I don't know. I guess I will hear from him eventually when he has blown through all him money, as has been his pattern. Its our job now to - not rescue him.

This week has been hard as all his contemporaries have headed back to school, while my son has not. I think I am doing the right thing, not enabling, not contacting, but its psychologically difficult. What is difficult for me is the realization that I have no influence whatsoever over my son - zero, zip,nada. The illusion of control has been stripped away, somewhat brutally over the last few weeks.

I guess in a weird way, he is learning how to survive with his self induced disability. Not a great way to learn but still. Only the fittest survive - and we have to adapt to survive in the environment we are in. Both me and my son have to change in our ways and learn to survive and later thrive.

Thanks for reading my ramblings and god bless on your respective journeys.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:19 PM
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Hi Pravchaw, when I allow myself too much time my minds starts to wander as well. I've certainly gotten better about pulling myself out but it is not foolproof and likely never will be. I often ponder the 2 days or 20 year question....there are times I look at the situation with my son and feel I have been stripped of every single ounce of hope. But then...

I remind myself....that today could be the day. At any time he can stomp his foot and say no more. He wasn't raised by a push over. He's never seen me give up. Perhaps, somewhere, he has a piece of my tenacity? It is in those moments I capture a glimmer of hope. I have hope for your son as well. Our boys are still young. They have made choices that defy logic...the outcome is not ours to decide.

Stay strong...know that so many of us can relate to exactly what you are feeling....we share the victories...and yes, the disappointments too. But I will say...I appreciate knowing you are all here for me. As hopefully I am for you.
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:03 PM
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I do in know addictions from own experience and family members and I probably have a rather hard view on this in many ways – but dealing with such problems with my kids – I would be worried constantly, that would require tremendous strength.

My youngest son has a childhood friend that has been using hashish for several years now, he is going into his senior year at high school now. They have known each other since they were 3 and best friends through most of their childhood.

He was here at my sons 18 birthday and slept over and we were discussing his use at breakfast, I can not remember how it came up. High school grades can not be changed here, you have one shot at this and the grades are very important for your future education. I tried to explain to him that going to school and smoking hashish every day is like running a marathon carrying 50 pounds it is impossible to do well. It has nothing to do with will power, it just makes everything more difficult.

I get in reality rather angry (I am not showing that though) when he explains he has it under control. I think he believes it or does not want face the fact he does not.

It is sad, his parents are slain by this.

This kid was and is well liked, school was easy for him – he was a great soccer player.

It makes me sad and angry that he is doing this to him self.

I do not know what you can do.

Some people make a u-turn and stop – you can hope that he soon does.

I think there is always hope – but devastating to make your own life so difficult.

I do feel with you pravchaw and I do pray to that your son soon realizes what he is doing.
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Old 09-04-2013, 05:44 PM
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Oh my.....just too much time on your hands......that always gets my mind wandering in directions that it really shouldn't.

Staying busy is my best antidote to worry (besides praying......the ol' if you worry why pray if you pray why worry thing). Allowing time to pass without hearing from them is very difficult. The thing that always gets me is I doubt they think of us much while they're out doing whatever they're doing.......

It's hard to let go of the dreams and expectations......they will find their own path and it is difficult to realize that we have no control.

Now then.......what kind of fun thing are you going to do to keep yourself focused in a healthy way on you?

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:40 PM
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We have to learn to 'dance in the rain' but it is awfully hard at times.

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Old 09-04-2013, 06:50 PM
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Thank you for your kind responses and support. It means a lot to me. I just came back from a family group meeting run by the director of the city!s detox centre. I was told in passing by the director that my son did come and meet with him yesterday, but my son is not ready to quit yet. There is some hope that he has asked for a followup appointment.

Hearing the other parents and spouses of addicts talk, I realize that I have to let him go . He must experience the negative consequences himself. Drugging and drinking is still fun for him and the party is not over yet. In his mind, He has not lost anything significant yet. Since he started using in his early teens, he is emotionally still a 14 year old boy and not a 21 year old man. I will just have to wait patiently till the party is over and he has hit his bottom.
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Old 09-05-2013, 07:44 AM
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It is always really a spiritual challenge, isn't it, pravchaw? Because this is a life lesson in surrender to what is happening which is beyond your control, and that is a spiritual challenge which can go either way....we can become bitter and disillusioned or we can open ourselves spiritually and place our lives and the lives of our dear ones in the care of the Divine and accept that we do not know what is anyone's highest good, and we cannot know how any person will develop nor should we assume we know what any individual's path should be. Even the alcoholic in the gutter may be serving a Divine purpose we do not understand.

Though I am not an addict, I did marry a severely alcoholic man in my 20's, and surely it must have been painful for my mother to see me do so, for she knew he was alcoholic long before I did, and tried to tell me, but I attributed his drinking to stress. Nothing she could say to me would change the course of events. I had to experience the consequences of my choice of him as husband, and I did in many terrifying and traumatizing ways. And her love and her concern for me could not direct me. It all was a matter between myself and God.

But that experience pushed me into counseling and into Al-Anon, and as a result, I received blessings from what was at the onset a nightmare of a marriage. And I would still make mistakes in the future, as a result of codependent tendencies to rationalize and not see people as they really are, but my mistakes have served to humble me, make me more compassionate toward others who are totally lost--especially the young--and so what began as a very bad marriage was the beginning of a genuine journey of the soul.

And I think this is your journey of the soul, too. There is nothing like powerlessness to bring us to the Source all of life. All the great spiritual traditions speak of fear as the absence of faith in a higher power, for faith is the source of serenity. This the the core of the 12 Step program but it is simply drawn from the spiritual teachings of many traditions. When people go to Al-Anon, they sometimes lose patience within the first few meetings because they are still approaching the problem with their egos: they are wanting to Fix things, and are unwilling to simply place themselves in a room of others seeking a higher spiritual understanding and allow the Divine spirit to unfold things in the right time, according to a plan that is beyond our comprehension. They say "the meetings aren't working for me" because they have not yet even worked the First Step of accepting powerlessness over their situation.

Your son is in the belly of the beast, but in that darkness is where change is forged, and you cannot know how that will happen or when or even if it will be change that you will be able to see and to understand in your lifetime. It is between him and his Creator.

The more fear you feel, the more you will be helped by any spiritual action, whether that is more meetings and work with a sponsor, a religious faith you go more deeply into, reading books by spirituals teachers, or going on spiritual retreat. We all need factual information in coping with addiction in our lives, but once the facts are gathered, we then need help with our fears.

It's good, so good, you go to meetings. The challenge for you at present is simply that: the "present". You seem very locked into the tick-tock of time, regarding your son. When you find release from that, you will feel even better. You will get there.
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Old 09-05-2013, 08:37 AM
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Thank you, EG. As a scientist I have been trained to always work with my "head", to rely on my cognitive abilities. I now feel that I have to work on my "heart". I need to find the strength within me to let go of my ego, my son and free myself from the "tick-tock of time".
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Old 09-05-2013, 08:52 AM
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Thank you English Garden and Pravchaw....these are messages I needed to read this morning. The tick-tock of time has really been getting to me lately. The reminder that my son's journey is his...and mine is mine. Knowing I need to delve into mine more deeply and hand his over continually. Struggling with hope regarding this situation lately and REALLY, really looking forward to my meeting tonight. I love the teachings and reminders I get here....so helpful and such good lessons. Again, thank you.
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Old 09-05-2013, 07:26 PM
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Pravchaw, and wow, English Garden, what an incredibly spot-on response, I am so moved by both of you. I spoke to a dear NarAnon friend today and we were sharing about how easy it is for the NarAnon "plug" to be dislodged sometimes, and your whole beautiful bubble bath just starts pouring down the drain...Now when I start to feel a little over-confident in my (new) settled sense of relief regarding my RAD, all it takes is a very slight pull, and that plug starts letting the water flow...

It is ALL about OUR spiritual journey, not that of our addicts. It is about OUR fears and patterns. That is all we can control. Yesterday I missed my daughter's voice, so I called her. She answered, cool, disinterested, distracted. I crumbled when we hung up. Had she RELAPSED??? Was she HIGH? Who knows, but know I sure relapsed! My need to have her be happy and grateful to talk to me after a month of only occasional texting did not get met.

I don't mean to hijack this post, but I just relate so well to what you are going through, Pravchaw, and I so appreciate the extended and powerful reply, EG. It has been a rough few days for me. I am in a new job, commuting to a new town, new campus, and missing my family...I realized yesterday that I am very vulnerable to relapses right now.

Thank you both for honesty and compassion in this journey of the soul.
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Old 09-06-2013, 05:21 PM
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Gardenmama, thanks for your message. A burden shared is a burden halved. I think at that age most normal young people are self-centered anyway (I don't recall much consideration for my parents feelings either). Our kids with their challenge are even more so. I think the onus is on us to remain healthy so we give our kids a hand when they are done and are ready to move on.

We had a fun day at little beach town today with some friends. I have also Scheduled an appointment with psychotherapist next week for talk therapy to manage stress related to my son and work. Once I get busy with work next week I will not likely be thinking about my son too much. The stress of work will likely displace it.
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Old 09-06-2013, 05:34 PM
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I always take comfort knowing that my son knows where help is when he's ready. I can't help him and all the worry in the world won't save him, so I say a prayer and give his care to God, then leave the rest up to the two of them.

I hope your son finds help, I hope this is a turning point in his life. It's hard to hope when our hopes get dashed so often, but our hearts want so very much for them to find help.

I will pray for your son too, God loves all His children, including His addicted ones.

Hugs
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Old 09-06-2013, 06:22 PM
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I like you Pravchaw have anxiety and worry about my AS, thank god it is not as bad as it used to be , I used to have to look in the street for this child of mine at all hours of the night, let me rephrase I didnt have to , I needed to for my own self assurance, maybe if had let him sleep a few days out there he would be in a better place , but then again he has sleept out there , god knows where and nothing changed. My sons bottom seems to be getting lower and lower , ive decided I wont go with him, I gave him life but I cant make him live, or live it the way i think he should. I have not come to the decision of kicking him out yet, but i do have boundaries in place for my own sanity, Im sure i will reach my bottom soon enough , hang in there your not alone
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Old 09-07-2013, 06:50 AM
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Ann & Lonely Star, thanks for stopping by and your support. I don't know much about my sons use as he is not living with us. At one level I don't have a ring side view of his addiction (like when he was at home) but I know he is using. I am hoping to see him today and will make another attempt to persuade him to enter detox
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Old 09-07-2013, 01:51 PM
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Met my son today. He said he is starting a 3 week, day (outpatient) program next week and does not want to go to a residential rehab. Has anyone any experience with outpatient programs?
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Old 09-08-2013, 08:27 PM
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Pravchaw, your new pic is very deep and intense--spot on for how you are feeling.

My RAD left rehab after 28 days when she had funding for 90. But she went to intensive outpatient right after for four more months. I think it was probably a better experience for her than inpatient. She is fiercely independent and quite sensitive, so the random, changing roommate thing, the structure, etc. was a stressor. She worked the program, did NA homework, got individual counseling, and had to have random drug tests to stay in it. Don't despair yet. Just be happy he has agreed to something! And keep you mind focused on you. So glad you are going to see a therapist. Mine has helped me immensely. Take care.
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Old 09-09-2013, 01:07 PM
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The only rehab my son has ever done was outpatient.

It was there that he was introduced to NA/AA and taught all the skills he will ever need to stay on the right path.

Each time he has stumbled, he knew who to call and where to go.

...when he was truly ready.
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Old 09-09-2013, 03:22 PM
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I happy he has chosen something, as long as he sticks to it and follows it. Nothing much I can do anyway except focus on myself and my wife. Thanks again for the support. I will keep you posted.
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Old 09-09-2013, 08:18 PM
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Pravchaw any kind of therapy whether inpatient or outpatient, if he is willing to go for any amount of time is good. My 23 year old AS recently completed an intensive outpatient program and completed it. I never thought that he would actually follow through. One of the things with addiction is that he has never followed through with school, work, etc. This time he did. It is still hard and he struggles but he is in a way better place. I am proud that he finally completed something. At first he was reluctant about the 12 steps and NA meetings. Soon after he realized on his own that he needed that and didn't mind the drug tests or going. Now at this time, he's not attending aftercare but he is still seeing his doctor and scheduled to see his therapist for individual therapy. He's also see a primary physician to get his health back on track.

I also realized that they are on their own time frame. In family therapy, I remember the addiction counselor stating that she often has to speak to addicts like children because even if they are 40 years old they developmentally stopped maturing somewhere around their teens. So be patient.

Take it easy. We as parents tend to jump to conclusions too fast sometimes too. Focus on the positive that at least for today he went to seek help even if it is just a three week program. With any luck, it will turn into a six week, 12 week, etc.
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Old 09-11-2013, 12:31 PM
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I talked to my son yesterday. We had planned that he come to our house after his first day of outpatient. He did no show up. When asked why, he said he said they let him off early and he since he did not know if we were going to be home he went to his rented room. I imagine he went to his room to use. He did not say much about the day except "they gave us a bunch of forms to fill out". I don't know how effective this is going to be and even if he will continue going. Is this a step forward or back? Time will reveal more.
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