New here-AC of Rx Addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3
New here-AC of Rx Addict
Wasn't sure where to post. This is really really long I know and I'm sorry but I need to talk/to vent/to come to terns with what I'm finally waking up and realizing today.
I am finally facing the fact that I believe in my heart of hearts that I my mother is addicted to painkillers, etc. I say this because I do not LIVE there at this time but because of a long history that is too long to detail here and based on current behaviors of the last # of years.
This is a very harsh realization for me to come to; however, now that it has, maybe I can actually start making progress on how I need to handle my own sanity. For literally YEARS, I have wondered what was wrong with my mom and what was wrong in our relationship and what was wrong with me. Years of being in the dark and not understanding. Years of trying to make things "right" and NEVER being able to.
As other children of addicts have probably encountered, I have also been the target in my family of being insensitive, of not being "understanding", and the so-called "that's your mother. you'll be sory when she's gone. despite her faults, she loves you". no one has EVER addressed what it might feel like at the other end (mine) of being the target of repeated tongue lashings, insults, etc. I am apparently just supposed to "overlook it" because my mother loves me.
My mother has spent most of her life being "sickly". As such, she's been on meds of some kind for as long as I can remember. As a young person though, this didn't really register with me. When I was growing up, my father was absent and I had no siblings, it was JUST me and my mom. Well, you can imagine what a single girl child was responsible for with a sickly mother who I now realize was dependent. I was responsible for every emotional need she ever had. As a teenager, I had friends my own age, but I had JUST as many (via the workforce, etc) who wre in their 30's and 40's. It didn't occur to me I shouldn't be able to relate to people 20 years older than me. I remember my mother locking herself in her closet screaming, I remember her threatening suicide, I remember her "imagining" my friends and I were laughing at her at the mall, I remember her jumping across the living room and throttling my neck and my grandmother screaming.
However, I don't blame her for those things. I am not even angry about them anymore. They just ARE. What I'm ANGRY about is that I have to hear on a regular basis a litany of everything she's ever done for me and what a horrible daughter I am. I am now 38 years old and I am still in the position of saying "yes mom" "yes mom" because ANYTHING else is met with "why do you have an attitude?", "why don't you treat me with some respect?", "you treat your friends better than me", "what have I ever done to you. when your tv broke, who bought you a new one. one of your friends do THAT? no, I did".
You get the picture. She says she wants to have a relationship with me but I can't seem to ever GET there because anytime I come to her it blows up into a federal case.
I feel I no longer have opinions or feelings. I feel I can no longer express myself AT ALL. It's actually getting worse.
As I said, she was always like this, but SEVERAL years ago, she decided to house up with another drug addict. They then became this completely insular unit that alienated EVERYONE in our extended family but myself. EVERYONE. About 6 years ago, my mother was diagnosed with kidney failure.
This was the real turning point. Not only did this encourage more painkiller use but it also encouraged her S/O to use more as he could not cope with her illness. The phone calls at 3 am started. From him. high as a kite. Threatening to leave her, telling me I had no choice but to move in with them, etc. I had JUST bought a new house in Vegas. The ink wasn't even dry. This went on for some time to the point I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I started calling her 3 and 4x a day to see how she was b/c I could never trust if he was telling me the truth or not. I became COMPLETELY and UTTERLY a drone who's only focus in life was what was going on with my mother. It didn't occur to me that this was not healthy. I thought I was doing the right thing, in fact thought I was doing the ONLY honorable thing to repay her for being my mom.
However, I refused to move there. I at least recognized on some level that I could not be THERE and be part of whatever drama they live everyday. Instead I had a complete melt down, claimed BK, foreclosed on my house, left my job and moved to Louisiana. I NOW recognize this as #13 on the addict's child list (among some other impulsive things I've done). As you can imagine this was met with resistance and anger and bitterness and a lot of laying on of guilt. I had texts about what a piece of **** I was, I had texts about that I care more for the dogs than I do for them, my father got calls about what a horrible daughter he has, on and on.
Over the ensuing years, my mother has become more and more and more of a "it's me, me, me" all the time. There is no longer any room for anyone else to have a bad day, have negative feelings,etc. I can no longer even approach these things that they don't send HER into a deep depression so that instead of my being able to have valid feelings, everyone has to stop now and cater to her and "talk her off the ledge" because she can't cope with having a depressed child.
About a year and a half ago, my 13 yr old dog died. I was absolutely bereft. I could not take off work and spent the entire day locked in my office crying. besides the fact that I loved her with all my heart, my dog was my sole emotional support system, my shelter from the world, and she was gone. Do you know how my mother reacted to this? By not calling me all day until late at night and wondering why she hadn't heard from me. I told her I was depressed and didn't feel like talking. She then went into a screaming tirade about how "selfish" it was of me not to call HER all day and let her know how "I" was because she sat there all day wondering and worried. Now, you tell me...if you are worred about your child, wouldn't you call THEM? Well, I guess not, because then it's about THEM and NOT YOU and her entire universe revolves around her.
Since then there have been many more arguments of the kind. Sadly, these are arguments based on things that I KNOW never happened. Things from 10 or 12 years ago that she's bringing up and accusing me of that I never did or said. I will preface this now that I do not have any substance abuse/alcohol problems so it's not as if it could have happened and I blocked it out. It simply NEVER happened. But, I have no defense because she swears they did and they did NOT so not only am I being screamed at for soemting that is ages old, I'm being screamed at for something that never took place that makes no sense.
Today was the topper that brings me here tonite. I was recently fired from a job for the first time in 22 years. Long story but it's left me broke as sh**, etc and I am losing my rental and having to move in with another relative 4 states away to get a new start. I have been depressed for weeks, not unreasonably depressed, but who wouldn't be? For the last 4 days she has been pissing and moaning that she simply can't handle talking to me while I'm depressed (never mind I've been doing it for a lifetime) and how do I think that makes HER feel. That it's not pleasant to talk to me, I'm a downer, and I will "never understand" because I do not have children but now "she's up at night worrying" and it's simply not fair. I finally lost it and asked her why she had to make "everything about her". Can I NOT just have a moment. Can I NOT just go through something and get some damn support instead of worrying about how it makes HER feel that I'm sleepless and sick over losing my job and my home.
I was met with such a vicious slew of venom (yes, I know that sounds like i'm writing a book but I don't know how else to describe it) that I have been speechless ALL day until a few hours ago. I am beyond shaken. She told me she no longer wants to speak with me, she doesn't care what happens to me, she's done with me, I'm worthless and not even a good person, much less a good daughter. When I finally spoke to a friend earlier, she told me to check out Al-anon because my mother is displaying all the signs of an addict (and she should know, her mother was one too and died). I am in the middle of the move so will do so when I get to my new destination but I started reading on this tonight and when I got to the 13 "signs", I was astounded. About 12 of the 13 are me to a tee. I'm reading other people's stories and I'm recognizing mine.
Thank you for reading/listening. I know this was a really long introduction but it is 2 am here. I am alone and I need to talk. I have been dealing with this for years and now my eyes are opened.
I am finally facing the fact that I believe in my heart of hearts that I my mother is addicted to painkillers, etc. I say this because I do not LIVE there at this time but because of a long history that is too long to detail here and based on current behaviors of the last # of years.
This is a very harsh realization for me to come to; however, now that it has, maybe I can actually start making progress on how I need to handle my own sanity. For literally YEARS, I have wondered what was wrong with my mom and what was wrong in our relationship and what was wrong with me. Years of being in the dark and not understanding. Years of trying to make things "right" and NEVER being able to.
As other children of addicts have probably encountered, I have also been the target in my family of being insensitive, of not being "understanding", and the so-called "that's your mother. you'll be sory when she's gone. despite her faults, she loves you". no one has EVER addressed what it might feel like at the other end (mine) of being the target of repeated tongue lashings, insults, etc. I am apparently just supposed to "overlook it" because my mother loves me.
My mother has spent most of her life being "sickly". As such, she's been on meds of some kind for as long as I can remember. As a young person though, this didn't really register with me. When I was growing up, my father was absent and I had no siblings, it was JUST me and my mom. Well, you can imagine what a single girl child was responsible for with a sickly mother who I now realize was dependent. I was responsible for every emotional need she ever had. As a teenager, I had friends my own age, but I had JUST as many (via the workforce, etc) who wre in their 30's and 40's. It didn't occur to me I shouldn't be able to relate to people 20 years older than me. I remember my mother locking herself in her closet screaming, I remember her threatening suicide, I remember her "imagining" my friends and I were laughing at her at the mall, I remember her jumping across the living room and throttling my neck and my grandmother screaming.
However, I don't blame her for those things. I am not even angry about them anymore. They just ARE. What I'm ANGRY about is that I have to hear on a regular basis a litany of everything she's ever done for me and what a horrible daughter I am. I am now 38 years old and I am still in the position of saying "yes mom" "yes mom" because ANYTHING else is met with "why do you have an attitude?", "why don't you treat me with some respect?", "you treat your friends better than me", "what have I ever done to you. when your tv broke, who bought you a new one. one of your friends do THAT? no, I did".
You get the picture. She says she wants to have a relationship with me but I can't seem to ever GET there because anytime I come to her it blows up into a federal case.
I feel I no longer have opinions or feelings. I feel I can no longer express myself AT ALL. It's actually getting worse.
As I said, she was always like this, but SEVERAL years ago, she decided to house up with another drug addict. They then became this completely insular unit that alienated EVERYONE in our extended family but myself. EVERYONE. About 6 years ago, my mother was diagnosed with kidney failure.
This was the real turning point. Not only did this encourage more painkiller use but it also encouraged her S/O to use more as he could not cope with her illness. The phone calls at 3 am started. From him. high as a kite. Threatening to leave her, telling me I had no choice but to move in with them, etc. I had JUST bought a new house in Vegas. The ink wasn't even dry. This went on for some time to the point I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I started calling her 3 and 4x a day to see how she was b/c I could never trust if he was telling me the truth or not. I became COMPLETELY and UTTERLY a drone who's only focus in life was what was going on with my mother. It didn't occur to me that this was not healthy. I thought I was doing the right thing, in fact thought I was doing the ONLY honorable thing to repay her for being my mom.
However, I refused to move there. I at least recognized on some level that I could not be THERE and be part of whatever drama they live everyday. Instead I had a complete melt down, claimed BK, foreclosed on my house, left my job and moved to Louisiana. I NOW recognize this as #13 on the addict's child list (among some other impulsive things I've done). As you can imagine this was met with resistance and anger and bitterness and a lot of laying on of guilt. I had texts about what a piece of **** I was, I had texts about that I care more for the dogs than I do for them, my father got calls about what a horrible daughter he has, on and on.
Over the ensuing years, my mother has become more and more and more of a "it's me, me, me" all the time. There is no longer any room for anyone else to have a bad day, have negative feelings,etc. I can no longer even approach these things that they don't send HER into a deep depression so that instead of my being able to have valid feelings, everyone has to stop now and cater to her and "talk her off the ledge" because she can't cope with having a depressed child.
About a year and a half ago, my 13 yr old dog died. I was absolutely bereft. I could not take off work and spent the entire day locked in my office crying. besides the fact that I loved her with all my heart, my dog was my sole emotional support system, my shelter from the world, and she was gone. Do you know how my mother reacted to this? By not calling me all day until late at night and wondering why she hadn't heard from me. I told her I was depressed and didn't feel like talking. She then went into a screaming tirade about how "selfish" it was of me not to call HER all day and let her know how "I" was because she sat there all day wondering and worried. Now, you tell me...if you are worred about your child, wouldn't you call THEM? Well, I guess not, because then it's about THEM and NOT YOU and her entire universe revolves around her.
Since then there have been many more arguments of the kind. Sadly, these are arguments based on things that I KNOW never happened. Things from 10 or 12 years ago that she's bringing up and accusing me of that I never did or said. I will preface this now that I do not have any substance abuse/alcohol problems so it's not as if it could have happened and I blocked it out. It simply NEVER happened. But, I have no defense because she swears they did and they did NOT so not only am I being screamed at for soemting that is ages old, I'm being screamed at for something that never took place that makes no sense.
Today was the topper that brings me here tonite. I was recently fired from a job for the first time in 22 years. Long story but it's left me broke as sh**, etc and I am losing my rental and having to move in with another relative 4 states away to get a new start. I have been depressed for weeks, not unreasonably depressed, but who wouldn't be? For the last 4 days she has been pissing and moaning that she simply can't handle talking to me while I'm depressed (never mind I've been doing it for a lifetime) and how do I think that makes HER feel. That it's not pleasant to talk to me, I'm a downer, and I will "never understand" because I do not have children but now "she's up at night worrying" and it's simply not fair. I finally lost it and asked her why she had to make "everything about her". Can I NOT just have a moment. Can I NOT just go through something and get some damn support instead of worrying about how it makes HER feel that I'm sleepless and sick over losing my job and my home.
I was met with such a vicious slew of venom (yes, I know that sounds like i'm writing a book but I don't know how else to describe it) that I have been speechless ALL day until a few hours ago. I am beyond shaken. She told me she no longer wants to speak with me, she doesn't care what happens to me, she's done with me, I'm worthless and not even a good person, much less a good daughter. When I finally spoke to a friend earlier, she told me to check out Al-anon because my mother is displaying all the signs of an addict (and she should know, her mother was one too and died). I am in the middle of the move so will do so when I get to my new destination but I started reading on this tonight and when I got to the 13 "signs", I was astounded. About 12 of the 13 are me to a tee. I'm reading other people's stories and I'm recognizing mine.
Thank you for reading/listening. I know this was a really long introduction but it is 2 am here. I am alone and I need to talk. I have been dealing with this for years and now my eyes are opened.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Welcome to the site....I'm very sorry for what has brought you here. Your friend is right, you could really benefit from al-anon....or nar-anon. You'll hear it said here that we often become as sick as the addict...playing along with their dance of addiction. It's not until we start to make decisions based upon what is best for us that we can finally begin to break the hold. Sounds like you've read the stickies at the top of the page....those are very helpful. There is also a book named "co-dependent no more" by Melody Beattie you'll see referenced a lot. It could help you recognize some of the reasons you've put up with this outrageous behavior for so long. It's okay to put boundaries in place and start working on yourself. You will only benefit from time spent improving yourself, whether your mother remains in your life or not. Sending you strength today. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by pravchaw 
I think its best you went no contact with your mother for some time and focus on your self and rebuilding your life. Nar anon would be a good start.
You were dealt a very lousy hand but you can get better. Not that there is anything wrong with you but you deserve some kindness and peace of mind in your life. I think you need to take a break from her toxicity.
Hugs, Kari
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you found us.
I agree that taking a small break from the chaos might be a good idea to help clear your mind so that you can redirect your focus onto your own health and happiness. Often we don't even realize how impacted we are by everyday toxicity - how abnormal our "normal" has become - until we can look at the situation after a period of healthy detachment.
I too am the adult child of addicts/alcoholics, and along with working with a therapist well-versed in addiction and family-of-origin dysfunction, I wanted to recommend some books that have really helped me: in addition to the ACoA sourcebook, I particularly like "After the Tears" by Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinelland, and "Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden, along with the other recommendations you received.
Your journey is far from over, but you're no longer alone on this path; we're walking with you, now.
I agree that taking a small break from the chaos might be a good idea to help clear your mind so that you can redirect your focus onto your own health and happiness. Often we don't even realize how impacted we are by everyday toxicity - how abnormal our "normal" has become - until we can look at the situation after a period of healthy detachment.
I too am the adult child of addicts/alcoholics, and along with working with a therapist well-versed in addiction and family-of-origin dysfunction, I wanted to recommend some books that have really helped me: in addition to the ACoA sourcebook, I particularly like "After the Tears" by Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinelland, and "Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden, along with the other recommendations you received.
Your journey is far from over, but you're no longer alone on this path; we're walking with you, now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Welcome to SR. Your post could have been easily written by me a few years ago. I am also the only child raised by a single mother who has mental health issues, drug addiction, and many "health illnesses." She used to call me in the middle of the night, all times a day, etc., to tell me how awful I was.
You don't have to listen to her. You don't have to take her calls. Each time you listen to her, it upsets you more and more and brings you to a darker place. Am I right?
You are not responsible for her happiness. It is not your job to take care of her. It is also not your job to be her punching bag. She has no right to emotionally abuse you.
I suggest you find a counselor. You can vent to the counselor about all you have been through with your mom. You can start to heal from the years of abuse.
Also, read up all you can on boundaries. It is perfectly acceptable to have a boundary that you will not listen to somebody who is verbally abusing you.
The way I dealt with it is that I went no contact from my mom for a year. After that, I only contacted her on holidays. I did not respond to her letters (more details about how terrible I was). I did not answer her phone calls. I did not listen to her messages.
Slowly, I increased contact. She started behaving herself, so I started talking to her every once in awhile. I haven't seen her in over 5 years -- last time I saw her she was physically trying to attack me.
Now, I talk to her via text once in awhile. I'll talk to her on the phone--but change the subject when she starts talking about her "illnesses." I only talk about "safe" topics (like her garden). If she starts being rude with me or yelling, I hang up. Period.
I also won't give her advice about her problems. I tell her, "I'm sure you will figure it out," or something like that.
I ended up with a huge depression when my mom got really bad. I went to a psychiatrist and counselor. I came to this site. I spend a lot of time looking at the Adult Children information (on this site and other places). I read daily information for Adult Children.
Healing is possible, and it can get better. You can't change her, but you can make boundaries for yourself.
Take care.
You don't have to listen to her. You don't have to take her calls. Each time you listen to her, it upsets you more and more and brings you to a darker place. Am I right?
You are not responsible for her happiness. It is not your job to take care of her. It is also not your job to be her punching bag. She has no right to emotionally abuse you.
I suggest you find a counselor. You can vent to the counselor about all you have been through with your mom. You can start to heal from the years of abuse.
Also, read up all you can on boundaries. It is perfectly acceptable to have a boundary that you will not listen to somebody who is verbally abusing you.
The way I dealt with it is that I went no contact from my mom for a year. After that, I only contacted her on holidays. I did not respond to her letters (more details about how terrible I was). I did not answer her phone calls. I did not listen to her messages.
Slowly, I increased contact. She started behaving herself, so I started talking to her every once in awhile. I haven't seen her in over 5 years -- last time I saw her she was physically trying to attack me.
Now, I talk to her via text once in awhile. I'll talk to her on the phone--but change the subject when she starts talking about her "illnesses." I only talk about "safe" topics (like her garden). If she starts being rude with me or yelling, I hang up. Period.
I also won't give her advice about her problems. I tell her, "I'm sure you will figure it out," or something like that.
I ended up with a huge depression when my mom got really bad. I went to a psychiatrist and counselor. I came to this site. I spend a lot of time looking at the Adult Children information (on this site and other places). I read daily information for Adult Children.
Healing is possible, and it can get better. You can't change her, but you can make boundaries for yourself.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: worcester
Posts: 10
As I was reading your post I got chills...this is my first time reading any AC posts. I will be visiting for a dose of sanity and knowledge from now on! I feel for you and can completely relate. While I'm not sure if my mother is just mentally ill or if there is some kind of substance abuse involved, but it all seems to be relevant. Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: worcester
Posts: 10
How inspiring!!! Boundaries are necessary and I've done a little of that by not answering, but not listening to voice mails MUST be added to the list. I actually have many of them saved so I can listen to them when I began to feel guilty for not reaching out to her. But instead of a friendly reminder it is more like pouring salt on a wound. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I'm sorry your doggie died a year and a half ago.
We have a 13 yr old doggie. Soon it will be her
time...........and it will hurt as much as any loss
could.
Such is the price of love,
.......but I really wish it wasn't.
We have a 13 yr old doggie. Soon it will be her
time...........and it will hurt as much as any loss
could.
Such is the price of love,
.......but I really wish it wasn't.
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