I am an addict too
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 34
I am an addict too
I accidentally posted this in the wrong forum. Tried to delete it but wasn't sure how! So, here it is again...
Just when I thought I was getting better and stronger, I realized I am apparently still deeply involved in this dysfunctional situation. I left my husband in June, moved into my parents house with my son. Told my husband he has to go to counseling/rehab before we even consider returning. He is of course, furious, venomous, blaming everyone but himself, manipulating, yelling, etc. He hasn't seen our son much. Maybe 3 times over 3 months. He's keeping track and threatening the courts. The few times we have talked on the phone he has yelled at me, called me names, threatened, etc.
As strong as I thought I was, his yelling and manipulations got me to agree to see him today, to give him some money for food.
I was headed out the door with my purse on my shoulder and my mother stopped me and then my parents confronted me about it. They talked me out of going.
Now I realize I am still addicted to this codependent relationship. Though I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks and I've read a lot of books I'm still being snagged by his manipulations. I still think I can change him! I have not recovered at all!!!
Can I recover???? I am soooo uncomfortable with HIS discomfort. I will do just about anything to "appease" him. And I fear him getting the courts involved, even though HE is the substance abuser. I know he might still get 50% custody. He has no job, no money, not even a functioning car. But the court system doesn't always seem to work well. I thought I could appease him by helping him get food so he would stop badgering me about seeing our son.
Anyone have any words of wisdom? I'm feeling lost in this.....
Just when I thought I was getting better and stronger, I realized I am apparently still deeply involved in this dysfunctional situation. I left my husband in June, moved into my parents house with my son. Told my husband he has to go to counseling/rehab before we even consider returning. He is of course, furious, venomous, blaming everyone but himself, manipulating, yelling, etc. He hasn't seen our son much. Maybe 3 times over 3 months. He's keeping track and threatening the courts. The few times we have talked on the phone he has yelled at me, called me names, threatened, etc.
As strong as I thought I was, his yelling and manipulations got me to agree to see him today, to give him some money for food.
I was headed out the door with my purse on my shoulder and my mother stopped me and then my parents confronted me about it. They talked me out of going.
Now I realize I am still addicted to this codependent relationship. Though I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks and I've read a lot of books I'm still being snagged by his manipulations. I still think I can change him! I have not recovered at all!!!
Can I recover???? I am soooo uncomfortable with HIS discomfort. I will do just about anything to "appease" him. And I fear him getting the courts involved, even though HE is the substance abuser. I know he might still get 50% custody. He has no job, no money, not even a functioning car. But the court system doesn't always seem to work well. I thought I could appease him by helping him get food so he would stop badgering me about seeing our son.
Anyone have any words of wisdom? I'm feeling lost in this.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by chickaree777 
I accidentally posted this in the wrong forum. Tried to delete it but wasn't sure how! So, here it is again...
Just when I thought I was getting better and stronger, I realized I am apparently still deeply involved in this dysfunctional situation. I left my husband in June, moved into my parents house with my son. Told my husband he has to go to counseling/rehab before we even consider returning. He is of course, furious, venomous, blaming everyone but himself, manipulating, yelling, etc. He hasn't seen our son much. Maybe 3 times over 3 months. He's keeping track and threatening the courts. The few times we have talked on the phone he has yelled at me, called me names, threatened, etc.
As strong as I thought I was, his yelling and manipulations got me to agree to see him today, to give him some money for food.
I was headed out the door with my purse on my shoulder and my mother stopped me and then my parents confronted me about it. They talked me out of going.
Now I realize I am still addicted to this codependent relationship. Though I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks and I've read a lot of books I'm still being snagged by his manipulations. I still think I can change him! I have not recovered at all!!!
Can I recover???? I am soooo uncomfortable with HIS discomfort. I will do just about anything to "appease" him. And I fear him getting the courts involved, even though HE is the substance abuser. I know he might still get 50% custody. He has no job, no money, not even a functioning car. But the court system doesn't always seem to work well. I thought I could appease him by helping him get food so he would stop badgering me about seeing our son.
Anyone have any words of wisdom? I'm feeling lost in this.....
Just when I thought I was getting better and stronger, I realized I am apparently still deeply involved in this dysfunctional situation. I left my husband in June, moved into my parents house with my son. Told my husband he has to go to counseling/rehab before we even consider returning. He is of course, furious, venomous, blaming everyone but himself, manipulating, yelling, etc. He hasn't seen our son much. Maybe 3 times over 3 months. He's keeping track and threatening the courts. The few times we have talked on the phone he has yelled at me, called me names, threatened, etc.
As strong as I thought I was, his yelling and manipulations got me to agree to see him today, to give him some money for food.
I was headed out the door with my purse on my shoulder and my mother stopped me and then my parents confronted me about it. They talked me out of going.
Now I realize I am still addicted to this codependent relationship. Though I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks and I've read a lot of books I'm still being snagged by his manipulations. I still think I can change him! I have not recovered at all!!!
Can I recover???? I am soooo uncomfortable with HIS discomfort. I will do just about anything to "appease" him. And I fear him getting the courts involved, even though HE is the substance abuser. I know he might still get 50% custody. He has no job, no money, not even a functioning car. But the court system doesn't always seem to work well. I thought I could appease him by helping him get food so he would stop badgering me about seeing our son.
Anyone have any words of wisdom? I'm feeling lost in this.....
I think I would go 'no contact' with him. His threats about court are probably just threats as he knows that is your weak spot. If they're not, you can probably convince the courts of your position. I don't like to rely on courts either but if they give him 50% custody you could request supervised visits.
I really have no real knowledge of the courts but am just surmising....so you know. I don't think it would hurt to consult a lawyer to make you feel better about resisting his 'custody threats.'
As a mom, I am soooo glad you have your parents on your side...especially with a baby.
I am so sorry you have to go through this.
Hugs, Kari
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Your parents are right and I'm glad you didn't go. The money you would have given him for food would have gone for drugs, that's how it works no matter how sad and hungry they look.
If he wants help, there are many places to get it, detox, meetings and the Salvation Army Rehab which is very good and doesn't cost anything.
If he doesn't want to stop using, nothing you do for him will help.
For legal reasons, if I were you, I would document his actions that relate to you...nasty phone calls or texts, not paying any child support, not taking responsibility for his child or to help you.
It's sad when it comes to this, but you and your child need to protect yourselves and stay safe.
Hugs
If he wants help, there are many places to get it, detox, meetings and the Salvation Army Rehab which is very good and doesn't cost anything.
If he doesn't want to stop using, nothing you do for him will help.
For legal reasons, if I were you, I would document his actions that relate to you...nasty phone calls or texts, not paying any child support, not taking responsibility for his child or to help you.
It's sad when it comes to this, but you and your child need to protect yourselves and stay safe.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 36
From what im learning and if codependency is a form of addiction which i think it is..you of course can recover like alcoholics and substance abusers do. Ive started the twelve steps and though im still on step one ( i rushed tbrough tbem before and thought i knew it all), it seems to finally make sense. Its all i can advise to you. Us codependents need to manage our own thoughts and obsessions and i believe in doing that the other things or people that 'need managing' can be approached and dealt with in a clearer frame of mid without all the desperation...please understand..please see..listen to me etc. Of course you have a lot more to deal with regarding custody. Could you go to get legal advice just so your in 'the know' about the outcome possibilities of this situation? At least you wont have worry as much about threats if you are sure that such and such hes threatening you with is unlikely to happen...?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Can I recover???? I am soooo uncomfortable with HIS discomfort.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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