penelope222

Im new here and posted a question in the wrong forum. Im not even going to bother with that one now. The root of the problem is that i am codependent. Like many others..i am too. Ive spent so much time with different addicts..(always the guy i fall for) and always end up feeling the same way. 1. Im right theyre wromg. 2. They will not need alcohol and drugs anymore now that im around (cringe). 3. If i love them enough they will change. 4. If i threaten them they will change. 5. Relationship always ends on the same note and i feel like a failure..that i did it all wrong..probably why i go and do it again. This time promising myself i will do it differently. Reminding myself that i cannot change anyone ( hoping that this apprach will be more subbtle). Im aware i sound like a maniac but it has helped me to understand addiction. That i too am an addict because i cannot just quit this all consuming way of life. The addict is always the focal point. What can i do? Should i have said this or that? What way should i act towards him later? What will get my point across? Etc.....oh god! I started on the twelve steps. I try. I started alanon. I dont know what are boundaries. I dont know the difference between 'let go and let god' and enabling. How can you let go and not enable? I can see how an addiction is hard to stop because its your whole person as this is mine. I dont want to be like this anymore. I want to luve a full life. There is no coda in my area. I would like to hear from recovered codependents please if possible and please guide me how to start. Thankyou.

penelope222

Since my thread ive seen a forum on each step. So apologies!!

Kindeyes

Hi and welcome.....you are no different from many of us. Codependence is a form of addiction and it does make me very aware of how difficult addiction is to address. It's oh so easy to tell someone else how they should change.....not so easy when applied to ourselves.

You have asked a whole lot of questions and I'm sure you'll get a whole bunch of great answers from the folks here on the F&F forum.

I can only speak from my own experience. For me to even BEGIN to make those changes in myself took a lot of time and becoming a full time student.....of me. And there is no doubt it was hard and it is a behavior pattern that is so engrained in my person that I can easily fall back into those patterns.

The first step? Admitting there's a problem. You've done that.

The next step? For me it was understanding the addicted brain (because I believe that codependence is a form of addiction). A great book for that is "Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self Deception" by Abraham Twerski, MD. He specifically addresses addiction AND codependence and the similarity in the thought processes.

gentle hugs
ke

spiderqueen

This is great advice, just wanted to thank ke, and second the motion...

I have one thing to add: I gave up cigarettes cold turkey over 20 years ago; never missed them - never craved them. Until I left XABF. Then all of a sudden, the urge to smoke popped up. I didn't smoke, and the feeling passed. But if that isn't proof positive that my connection to him was an addiction, I don't know what is.

Warm welcome to you, penelope. You are on the right track.
SQ

penelope222

Thankyou. Ive read so much on alcohol and drug addiction. Oh these people!! But its true if like attracts like then im an addict too. One of these obsessed people with my mind on how to achieve my next high. Its no different i think. I will def get that book. Thankyou. And those cigarettes...well donee to giving up! Ahem..im afraid i understand that addiction too!

chickaree777

From one codependent to another... I recommend reading whatever you can about codependency. I found a few good books. First Aid for Enablers, The Real Dope on Dealing with an Addict, and a bunch of books by the author of Codependent No More (Melanie Beattie I think?) When I feel weak and like I'm relapsing into codependent behavior, I pick up one of these books and just start reading. I also started seeing a therapist. I recommend this if you can.

I tend to slip back into seeing the good in my ex rather than the problems and begin to feel responsible for his feelings again. This kind of thing even sneaks into my dreams at night. I come here and read the posts for support also. That's why I'm here right now! Just keep reading and reaching out for support from others. Talking to other codependents really helps. You're in the right place!