trying2live

My partner is an opiate user. He is sober for about a week now. I am just trying to help, but sometimes I feel like I am making things worse. We barely talk... I try to be light and casual and talk about my day and our friends and family. Rarely do I get much of a response from him.... Sorry, back to my main point. Tomorrow is Labor Day and we are going to a BBQ. These are friends that do not know about his drug use, nor do they themselves use drugs. They are my friends more then his. My concern is that there will be people drinking there and I am not sure that it is the best decision for him to drink. He NEVER drinks and takes opiates. Not once in the three years that we have been together has he. He always made the choice not to drink. Drinking and his drug use do not go together, but that doesn't mean it is still a good idea. I would love impute, advice and past experiences on this subject.

I am also making the effort to be a model and not drink anymore. I understand that addictions effect everyone differently and for me it was easy to walk away from drugs. I know that this is not going to be the same for him and so on many levels I do not relate. I need help and understanding of what he might be going through so that I can help.

*please note that this is my first time on this site. I am knew to forms and so if I make a mistake let me know so I can make better choices in the future. I also thank you in advance for you replies.

Ann

Welcome to SR. The answers you hear may not be what you want to hear, but please know they come from our hearts and we all know the pain you feel right now.

Alcohol is a drug, just like any other, so no, it's not a good idea for any addict to drink. Inevitably it will lead back to his drug of choice.

That said, he's going to have to make this decision for himself. If he wants to remain clean and sober, that means no substance at all, including alcohol, but it's up to him to make that choice.

You get to choose what is and what is not acceptable in your life. If you are like most of us here, you live on the hope that the nightmare will end. Sometimes it does and I pray that is how it will be for you and him.

Sometimes it continues a very long time, and it's a rough ride if you choose to stick around for it.

I am glad you joined us and hope you find some comfort here.

Hugs

pinkdog

Hi trying, I personally don't think alcohol helps anything. Best wishes to you dear. Stick around you will get some better replies.

trying2live

I know you are right, but I'm not ready for this fight on top of the rest. It's hard enough with the lack of trust and not knowing what will work for him. I know I need to be patient, but it is difficult. The lack of communication is killing me, very slowly. I don't know how many more times I can hear "I don't know," before I explode. Just like him I have to take it one day at a time; which is the hardest thing I have ever done.

AnvilheadII

well, you could give this a few weeks or so and see what happens, keeping in mind that you sound as tho you have reached your limit on HIS BS. chances are not great that he can now successfully drink and that will keep being ok. is he drinking like just two beers after work a couple times a week OR is he drinking every day? getting drunk?

you can say enough at ANY time....he doesn't have to screw up first, you don't have to wait til it gets BAD, you are done when you are done. just as it with him....he's either DONE or he's not.

trying2live

No he hasn't been drinking, thankfully. But this is not the first time he has said he wants to get sober. Last time he drank only socially, never alone and not to any blackout drunk point.
I just feel like we should just stop everything for a while, 3 months at least. And then go from there. I don't want him to go from one vice to another. I guess that is what I am more fearful of. His dad is an alcoholic in my opinion, I don't want him to be like that.
You are right though, I don't have to wait for him. But what I have learned is that I can't stop him either. It is his choice. I can only make my choices and reinforce him when he makes a better choice.

pravchaw

If they are your friends its your choice to go the bbq and to take it him there. Does he want to go? If he is trying to quit it may be not be a good idea for you to take him to party where alcohol is being served. Why not go on a picnic or a movie instead. Discuss your concerns with him.

My son (mj addict) turns to alcohol when he is trying to quit (which imo is worse) and then goes back again back and forth. "I don't know" is a standard response from addicts. The fact is that qutting takes a massive effort - and they I truly think that they do not know.

trying2live

It is 'our' choice. But I will ask again and make sure. He hasn't left the house though in 3 days besides work. He sleeps about 16 hours a day right now. He is not an everyday day user, 15x a month. I only knew of 8 of them this month, that is why I am guessing 15. So I am not sure if he is sleeping because he is depressed or he is going through withdrawals.

I guess I just need to force more communication and not take "I don't know" for every answer. Maybe ask again later in a different way.

P.s. Thank you for your help. This website has been amazing to read through. Even though I feel like dying when I read a lot of post it is helping me to be stronger and make my own stance against this addiction.

Carlotta

to SR
When it comes to his addiction you did not cause it, you cannot contol it and you cannot cure it.
Neither can one force honest communication out of a reluctant sulking addict.
Last but not least, I understand how as codependents our identity melts with the addict and his addiction but while of course there is an "our choice", more importantly there is a YOUR choice as an individual meaning that it is perfectly acceptable for you to go out and socialize with friends while he is sleeping his life away. You are not joined at the hip and you have a right to happiness whether he choses to drug, drink, be sober or do God knows what.

Carlotta

Just wanted to add that I know my post sounds a little rough, it is just that I have walked in your shoes (albeit with an alcoholic) and I have seen too many partners whose entire world and identity revolve around the addict and who ultimately stop socializing and isolate themselves.

pravchaw

I don't think forcing communication is a good idea. It can lead to confrontation -> more stress -> ?. You should focus on looking after your self. Is he thinking of getting treatment? he may need to go to rehab. if so encourage that. It is hard to quit opiates and other hard drugs on your own.

trying2live

First, I am a recluse during the weekend. I work during the week and he works on the weekend. I stay in and I read 3-4 books in 2 days. This is what I like to do and want to do. During the week I go out and socialize.
I can honestly say in these last 3 days I have left the house more. I need to, because I feel depressed and helpless. I cannot watch him sleep but I also don't want to be out that much either. One new fun fact I got to learn through this all is that he has a dealer in walking distance. (He does not have a car, and his "dealer" lives 30 minutes away). I fear he will go and get pills while I am gone, but he knows that if he does he might as well pack a bag and leave.

You're honest and I can respect that, even if it is harsh to hear and not what I want to hear. If I wanted the easy way I would confide in a friend.

trying2live

I do encourage rehab. I have even gone so far as to find grants for him. I believe his family would help pay for it as well, but he hasn't said he wants to go. I let him know it is an option. He is very much afraid of the social stigma of what that might do to him.

pravchaw

That's all you can do. Encourage him. Here in an interesting article on addiction which helped me, when I first confronted this disease in my son. You may find it useful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html

blackandblue

T2L- Welcome to SR. I have asked this same question. For someone with a substance abuse problem- any substance can become a problem leading to cross addiction. Addiction is so much deeper than the object or subject of obsession. My suggestion is read up on cross-addiction. You are in for a ride with your ABF so try to get as much insight as possible. It has been helpful to read far and wide on the subject of addiction and codependence as well as emotional intelligence and other mental health issues. Knowledge is power. Just remember that you did not cause his problem. You have no control over it whatsoever. And you cannot cure it and nor can anyone else. The only power you have is to take care of yourself and see what decisions he makes. If you choose to not drink alcohol- do it for you and not for anyone else. You are also free to live your life on your terms. I realized that my AXBF was not available on any level for a relationship- which is why he became my ex. It took a long time to get there because the truth hurt too much. But I am finally moving into the acceptance phase of grief and am becoming a better person through this process. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself. There are amazing people and resources here on SR. I would be a mess if it was not for SR, Al-anon, a healthy support system, and self-care routine. Keep coming back here and post as often as needed. We all have been in crisis at one point or another and it does pass. Many blessings.

trying2live

**Update
Today has been a great day thus far! He woke up happy and motivated. He helped clean the house and went to the store; I was even blessed with a few kisses and an independent "love you." On top of all that he has decided not to drink!

It is now 245pm and his energy and mood have shifted. He just told me to go hang out and he would just hang back. He feels like his only options are to get drunk or high. Since he is trying to stay sober he is opting out. He is concerned because I am not having as much fun as I could be. He feels like he is holding me back. I am concerned because typical things that would be fun, video games, the beach, hanging with friends and ect are no longer fun for him. I am having fun, but I still remain worried about him. It's a crazy balancing act right now. I feel happy, concerned, still hopeless and yet hopfull. Day 4 of sobriety and I am starting to wonder if he loved me or the drugs did. I can honestly say that if we don't make it, it was not my fault. Still hoping we pull through and that he finally takes sobriety seriously.

We left and he is back asleep. I think this is a record for him. He was awake for 5 hours. I'm letting him sleep. I know I would rather sleep then face a cravings of drugs. I did have a glass of champagne and feel super guilty. i could have made a better choice, but he kinda has to deal with this too.

AnvilheadII

it's only been a week...IF he truly does stay clean and sober, as time goes by he will feel more like regaining the human race. his view of FUN might change....its very nice of you to be considerate of how he feels, but don't forget to let him OWN how he feels. if you don't have a drinking or drug problem then a glass of champagne isn't the end of the world! as an oldtimer in AA, Clancy, said....those who aren't alcoholics should drink, and drink often! that is meant in a lighthearted way of course.

I think YOU are handling this all quite well.....

trying2live

I read this article about rehab in the 1960's; in which, they would allow na persons a glass of wine after 3 months. They wanted them to be successful in the real world. By reintroducing the "acceptable" vice at that time. by introducing alcohol into rehab they were able to help those individuals over come this additional addiction or help substation their progress. Maybe one day he will be able to do this as well. I'm just glad he made the right choice today.

I am unsure of how he feels, we don't really talk about it. It's the giant elephant in the room that we can smell and feel but ignore.

He even ate an entire container of 6-layer dip that I made for the party but forgot at home. It was like a mini reinforcement, at least through my eyes.

Also thank you BlackandBlue for welcoming me and your words. Do not think they have gone unnoticed.

jeepgirl

The best thing I ever did for myself AND my addict was to go naranon. Working my own program helped be back off and let the addict figure things out for herself without my meddling (which always backfired for me). Change takes time, big breath, relax, sounds like things are going in the right direction. Big hug - jeepgirl