My loved one needs to go back to rehab and won't go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
My loved one needs to go back to rehab and won't go
Hello all..
Help please.
My qualifier is a cocaine user who has go beyond relapse into actively using again. His sponsor in NA has suggested rehab. His sober friends have suggested rehab. Everyone wants him to go to rehab.
His use has been escalating over the past month. He had about 90 days clean and out of rehab stint #1 this year before he started this pattern of weekend relapses and now, almost constant chronic use.
He doesn't want to let his dad down as they own a business together and do another 28 day stint in in patient rehab. He knows of an outpatient live in the center at night rehab but he says it won't take his insurance (which I tend to believe sort of) and costs $6000. (he has spent almost $1500 in coke this month I bet).
I don't know how to detach here. I don't know if he minds that I am searching out other options. He hasn't asked me to.
I am going to detach here I think and stop trying. We are out of town this weekend (we don't live together) and he showed up at my house this weekend COKED UP....badly. And we are now at our friend's house trying to make sense of this mess.
If I leave here - and he hasn't committed to some sort of treatment...I don't know if I can continue this relationship.
I know I can't keep him sober. This is making my life unmanagable - I almost need to call my NAR ANON meeting people...but I am too ashamed.
Please, I need help finding out how to set good boundaries while trying to find some sort of solution that will make me feel better in this situation.
I am not sure there is one.
Help please.
My qualifier is a cocaine user who has go beyond relapse into actively using again. His sponsor in NA has suggested rehab. His sober friends have suggested rehab. Everyone wants him to go to rehab.
His use has been escalating over the past month. He had about 90 days clean and out of rehab stint #1 this year before he started this pattern of weekend relapses and now, almost constant chronic use.
He doesn't want to let his dad down as they own a business together and do another 28 day stint in in patient rehab. He knows of an outpatient live in the center at night rehab but he says it won't take his insurance (which I tend to believe sort of) and costs $6000. (he has spent almost $1500 in coke this month I bet).
I don't know how to detach here. I don't know if he minds that I am searching out other options. He hasn't asked me to.
I am going to detach here I think and stop trying. We are out of town this weekend (we don't live together) and he showed up at my house this weekend COKED UP....badly. And we are now at our friend's house trying to make sense of this mess.
If I leave here - and he hasn't committed to some sort of treatment...I don't know if I can continue this relationship.
I know I can't keep him sober. This is making my life unmanagable - I almost need to call my NAR ANON meeting people...but I am too ashamed.
Please, I need help finding out how to set good boundaries while trying to find some sort of solution that will make me feel better in this situation.
I am not sure there is one.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Hi,
So sorry you are dealing with this, you are not alone.
Your Nar Anon friends will not make you feel ashamed - sometimes a friend to listen, someone to learn on can help us to remember to keep the focus on ourselves - not the addict.
When I was in the worst of dealing w/my AS, I kept my Nar Anon phone list on me constantly - it wasn't that I used it so much (once in a while) but knowing there were people out there that I could call made me feel better.
You already mentioned, that you can't keep him sober, nor can you force him into rehab. But you don't have to be an active participant in crazy town either. Take care of yourself, Joan
So sorry you are dealing with this, you are not alone.
Your Nar Anon friends will not make you feel ashamed - sometimes a friend to listen, someone to learn on can help us to remember to keep the focus on ourselves - not the addict.
When I was in the worst of dealing w/my AS, I kept my Nar Anon phone list on me constantly - it wasn't that I used it so much (once in a while) but knowing there were people out there that I could call made me feel better.
You already mentioned, that you can't keep him sober, nor can you force him into rehab. But you don't have to be an active participant in crazy town either. Take care of yourself, Joan
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Hello,
Boundaries are to protect yourself, not to punish the addict. You cannot control him or cure him of his addiction. You cannot and should not stop him from hitting his bottom. You cannot make him go to rehab. He has to make that decision himself. The best you can do his, get out of his way for now as he is an unhealthy place.
I have a similar situation with my son. I have realized that I cannot make him do anything. He knows what to do, but only he can take the steps to do it. Until he is in a healthy place (and not in active addiction) my boundary is that I will keep any engagement with him at a minimum (no "enabling") and unless his life is in grave danger, keep out of his way and am content to keep him out of my life. It is hard, but as many on this board will tell you, it is necessary.
Boundaries are to protect yourself, not to punish the addict. You cannot control him or cure him of his addiction. You cannot and should not stop him from hitting his bottom. You cannot make him go to rehab. He has to make that decision himself. The best you can do his, get out of his way for now as he is an unhealthy place.
I have a similar situation with my son. I have realized that I cannot make him do anything. He knows what to do, but only he can take the steps to do it. Until he is in a healthy place (and not in active addiction) my boundary is that I will keep any engagement with him at a minimum (no "enabling") and unless his life is in grave danger, keep out of his way and am content to keep him out of my life. It is hard, but as many on this board will tell you, it is necessary.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
These situations are so hard. We want so very much for what is happening not to really be happening. We sometimes try to accept the addict's reason for not dealing with his addiction with concrete action (the lie: he's avoiding rehab/outpatient because he does not want to be unavailable to his father. This is the addict mind at work and it is pretty good at convincing others that it is the best mind in the group).
It is hard to make firm decisions about whether we will continue the relationship with the addict because we are afraid that if we do, there will be no going back, no second chances, what if he gets clean and we've lost him, what if the goodbye is forever and are we ready or able to handle that finality. This is the hostage situation so frequently referred to in recovery literature: the addict maintains control over his loved one through fear. She is afraid, and just like a rabbit in the headlights, she freezes.
You can take a break. Just a break. You can take a 3-hour break or a 3-day break or a 3-month break. And there are those who take 3-year breaks, too.
What a break gives you is an opening for your higher power and for his higher power to move things in whatever direction is best. And what we envision as "best" is not always the same vision as that of our higher power, so it is good to try to completely surrender your version of the outcome you want, for you simply are not in control. The forces of Life are in control. If you are afraid to take even a 3-day break, then you will have made the addict your higher power. And you will be living your life in service to (and fear of) him rather than to your relationship with your higher power. The 12 Step program you are in is about helping us re-establish connection with our higher power so we do not live our lives as a continual reaction to an addict's acting out. Your life is deeper and wider than that.
So it is okay to take a break, to extend it if you need to, until some awareness comes about what is your highest good.
It is hard to make firm decisions about whether we will continue the relationship with the addict because we are afraid that if we do, there will be no going back, no second chances, what if he gets clean and we've lost him, what if the goodbye is forever and are we ready or able to handle that finality. This is the hostage situation so frequently referred to in recovery literature: the addict maintains control over his loved one through fear. She is afraid, and just like a rabbit in the headlights, she freezes.
You can take a break. Just a break. You can take a 3-hour break or a 3-day break or a 3-month break. And there are those who take 3-year breaks, too.
What a break gives you is an opening for your higher power and for his higher power to move things in whatever direction is best. And what we envision as "best" is not always the same vision as that of our higher power, so it is good to try to completely surrender your version of the outcome you want, for you simply are not in control. The forces of Life are in control. If you are afraid to take even a 3-day break, then you will have made the addict your higher power. And you will be living your life in service to (and fear of) him rather than to your relationship with your higher power. The 12 Step program you are in is about helping us re-establish connection with our higher power so we do not live our lives as a continual reaction to an addict's acting out. Your life is deeper and wider than that.
So it is okay to take a break, to extend it if you need to, until some awareness comes about what is your highest good.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
EG, another fantastic note. It's OK to take a break - you may actually like it. I am taking a break from being a parent - and liking it.
Hello, its interesting you referred to your guy as a "qualifier". This means you are not in denial of your own addiction. Take a break is great advise.
Hello, its interesting you referred to your guy as a "qualifier". This means you are not in denial of your own addiction. Take a break is great advise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
Thank you all so much. My qualifier and I don't live in the same town. And this morning, really early I left his tired battered and ANGRY self head up the road. I have not stopped crying since really. I can't talk to my parents about this problem b/c they will have already write him off. Is his problem any more or less different than any other man I have ever dated and loved? I think not. I Just really cannot control this one.
I like the idea of the break but I must admit wow it is so hard. And he has become my higher power so ES that was super powerful. All of the energy I am spending on him is sapping me of my energy to do my own work. And I don't think he asks for this - not him anyway. It is his addict brain that is doing it.
We slept last night fitfully in the same bed and I realized he has slipped in so many areas this month of his life - his appearance, his hygenie, his health, he didn't even bother to brush his teeth last night and he smelled of cigarettes so badly. I feel lost and abandoned.
I have my Nar Anon meeting this thursday. There is an Al Anon meeting this evening. I have also my own 12 step meetings to attend. Without them I would be utterly lost. And without the literature from Nar Anon I would have been so utterly lost this weekend even worse.
I feel like I need to just sleep this off and if I wake up it will be ok. But he is NOT ok. And I am NOT ok. I had thought his step work was his hope and salvation..was MY hope and salvation. ONLY MY STEP WORK IS MY HOPE. For him, I fear there is no hope.
I am going to continue to work my surrender in step one. I have little choice.
And I am going to try to take a one hour break today from him. And see if I can extend that to a 2 hour break and so on.
Perhaps I can gain some waking relief from the grief I feel - this weekend was like finding out your best friend had died and he was still alive right next to you. Powerless.
Thank you all...
I like the idea of the break but I must admit wow it is so hard. And he has become my higher power so ES that was super powerful. All of the energy I am spending on him is sapping me of my energy to do my own work. And I don't think he asks for this - not him anyway. It is his addict brain that is doing it.
We slept last night fitfully in the same bed and I realized he has slipped in so many areas this month of his life - his appearance, his hygenie, his health, he didn't even bother to brush his teeth last night and he smelled of cigarettes so badly. I feel lost and abandoned.
I have my Nar Anon meeting this thursday. There is an Al Anon meeting this evening. I have also my own 12 step meetings to attend. Without them I would be utterly lost. And without the literature from Nar Anon I would have been so utterly lost this weekend even worse.
I feel like I need to just sleep this off and if I wake up it will be ok. But he is NOT ok. And I am NOT ok. I had thought his step work was his hope and salvation..was MY hope and salvation. ONLY MY STEP WORK IS MY HOPE. For him, I fear there is no hope.
I am going to continue to work my surrender in step one. I have little choice.
And I am going to try to take a one hour break today from him. And see if I can extend that to a 2 hour break and so on.
Perhaps I can gain some waking relief from the grief I feel - this weekend was like finding out your best friend had died and he was still alive right next to you. Powerless.
Thank you all...
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by hellomynameis 
Hello all..
Help please.
My qualifier is a cocaine user who has go beyond relapse into actively using again. His sponsor in NA has suggested rehab. His sober friends have suggested rehab. Everyone wants him to go to rehab.
His use has been escalating over the past month. He had about 90 days clean and out of rehab stint #1 this year before he started this pattern of weekend relapses and now, almost constant chronic use.
He doesn't want to let his dad down as they own a business together and do another 28 day stint in in patient rehab. He knows of an outpatient live in the center at night rehab but he says it won't take his insurance (which I tend to believe sort of) and costs $6000. (he has spent almost $1500 in coke this month I bet).
I don't know how to detach here. I don't know if he minds that I am searching out other options. He hasn't asked me to.
I am going to detach here I think and stop trying. We are out of town this weekend (we don't live together) and he showed up at my house this weekend COKED UP....badly. And we are now at our friend's house trying to make sense of this mess.
If I leave here - and he hasn't committed to some sort of treatment...I don't know if I can continue this relationship.
I know I can't keep him sober. This is making my life unmanagable - I almost need to call my NAR ANON meeting people...but I am too ashamed.
Please, I need help finding out how to set good boundaries while trying to find some sort of solution that will make me feel better in this situation.
I am not sure there is one.
Help please.
My qualifier is a cocaine user who has go beyond relapse into actively using again. His sponsor in NA has suggested rehab. His sober friends have suggested rehab. Everyone wants him to go to rehab.
His use has been escalating over the past month. He had about 90 days clean and out of rehab stint #1 this year before he started this pattern of weekend relapses and now, almost constant chronic use.
He doesn't want to let his dad down as they own a business together and do another 28 day stint in in patient rehab. He knows of an outpatient live in the center at night rehab but he says it won't take his insurance (which I tend to believe sort of) and costs $6000. (he has spent almost $1500 in coke this month I bet).
I don't know how to detach here. I don't know if he minds that I am searching out other options. He hasn't asked me to.
I am going to detach here I think and stop trying. We are out of town this weekend (we don't live together) and he showed up at my house this weekend COKED UP....badly. And we are now at our friend's house trying to make sense of this mess.
If I leave here - and he hasn't committed to some sort of treatment...I don't know if I can continue this relationship.
I know I can't keep him sober. This is making my life unmanagable - I almost need to call my NAR ANON meeting people...but I am too ashamed.
Please, I need help finding out how to set good boundaries while trying to find some sort of solution that will make me feel better in this situation.
I am not sure there is one.
On the one hand, you're conflicted about boundaries. On the other, you ambiguously say "I don't know if I can continue this relationship" if your ABF continues to use.
You are under no obligation to tolerate anything that injures you emotionally. An unequivocal boundary is simply leaving him, but I don't believe you believe you're ready to pull that trigger. You may have to. Doesn't mean you'll like it. Doesn't mean it won't hurt. But what it does mean is you're not going to allow someone else's addiction bring you down.
I would lean on your friends in Nar Anon for support during this time. Keep us posted as to how you're doing.
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
so here is the outcome of this weekend - my qualifier and I are in my house - he is on the phone talking to his support! My ANGER IS THIS ----WHY DID YOU NOT CALL THESE PRECIOUS ADDICT HELPERS WHEN YOU WERE GETTING READY TO USE AGAIN WEDNESDAY? WHY DIDN"T YOU CALL THEM AT 430 when YOU WERE OUT AND COMING DOWN? WHY? WHY DO YOU FEEL SHAME CALLING ADDICTS? And THEN CALL ME WITH IMPUNITY?
This was his answer - SHAME -- He is ashamed to call addicts and too prideful to do so when he is in crisis but can sit her ON MY DECK on a lovely day I took PTO for to drive him to REHAB centers looking for place to PUT his COKEHEAD self! While I sit here a wreck! Of course I won't call any of my NAR ANON people either - so what does that make me?
I get it - had I called one of them BEFORE I RAN DOWN to ST LOUIS to get him - I would have stopped this pain before it got rolling - is that any different than the refusal he had going on? I think not----
My dysfunction is causing welts and sores on my back and canker sores in my mouth! And I love him I just want this to STOP! or at least cease for a moment so I can relax and relieve myself of this cruddy feeling
Tomorrow - do I put him on the bus to St Louis @ 1230 or drive him 4 hours down and back? I have to work on Sunday @ 1pm at home?
My anger knows now bounds right now and I was so STUPID as to GIVE HIS FATHER ALL OF MY NARANON literature! ALL OF IT!
This was his answer - SHAME -- He is ashamed to call addicts and too prideful to do so when he is in crisis but can sit her ON MY DECK on a lovely day I took PTO for to drive him to REHAB centers looking for place to PUT his COKEHEAD self! While I sit here a wreck! Of course I won't call any of my NAR ANON people either - so what does that make me?
I get it - had I called one of them BEFORE I RAN DOWN to ST LOUIS to get him - I would have stopped this pain before it got rolling - is that any different than the refusal he had going on? I think not----
My dysfunction is causing welts and sores on my back and canker sores in my mouth! And I love him I just want this to STOP! or at least cease for a moment so I can relax and relieve myself of this cruddy feeling
Tomorrow - do I put him on the bus to St Louis @ 1230 or drive him 4 hours down and back? I have to work on Sunday @ 1pm at home?
My anger knows now bounds right now and I was so STUPID as to GIVE HIS FATHER ALL OF MY NARANON literature! ALL OF IT!
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