I love my mom but....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
I love my mom but....
..I'm just not sure if I can continue having a relationship with her and it's...just...making me so incredibly sad.
My mom has a big heart. She tries to make us (my siblings and I) happy - up to a point. But she is very unhealthy in terms of relationships. She enables both my siblings to the point that I believe she does more harm than good. This has been going on for a long time, and I've come to deal with it by accepting that she is who she is...and that she gives what she can.
But this is different. She is having a relationship with a man who spent over three decades in prison for killing someone and doing 'other bad stuff' in prison. Old high school crush she found online. A CONVICTED MURDERER. Seriously??? I feel like I'm in a bad dream.
While we grew up, her choices to let an alcoholic move in with us, and then later, an abusive gambler/addict, had hugely negative effects on our lives. I'm the only one of my siblings who has come close to healing from the damage.
And now, she is letting this man in. I know she is free to date whoever she wants, but I am having trouble accepting it into my life. He may have done his "time" but IMO there are still too many risks. Too many unanswered questions. Too many changing stories to what happened in his past. I have tried to talk to her, but as usual, my opinion means nothing.
I talked to my Alanon sponsor. She doesn't think I'm overreacting. But I came here looking for other opinions. Like I said, I love my mom, and I don't want to cut her out of my life unless I'm sure it's the best decision.
Thoughts appreciated...
My mom has a big heart. She tries to make us (my siblings and I) happy - up to a point. But she is very unhealthy in terms of relationships. She enables both my siblings to the point that I believe she does more harm than good. This has been going on for a long time, and I've come to deal with it by accepting that she is who she is...and that she gives what she can.
But this is different. She is having a relationship with a man who spent over three decades in prison for killing someone and doing 'other bad stuff' in prison. Old high school crush she found online. A CONVICTED MURDERER. Seriously??? I feel like I'm in a bad dream.
While we grew up, her choices to let an alcoholic move in with us, and then later, an abusive gambler/addict, had hugely negative effects on our lives. I'm the only one of my siblings who has come close to healing from the damage.
And now, she is letting this man in. I know she is free to date whoever she wants, but I am having trouble accepting it into my life. He may have done his "time" but IMO there are still too many risks. Too many unanswered questions. Too many changing stories to what happened in his past. I have tried to talk to her, but as usual, my opinion means nothing.
I talked to my Alanon sponsor. She doesn't think I'm overreacting. But I came here looking for other opinions. Like I said, I love my mom, and I don't want to cut her out of my life unless I'm sure it's the best decision.
Thoughts appreciated...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's okay to put space and distance between yourself and anyone who upsets you. You can love your mom, pray for your mom and keep an open dialogue with your mom, without supporting her choices, however bad they may be, and it sounds like she is not choosing healthy relationships well.
It's sad to watch anyone we love make bad choices. I pray this will unfold better than it appears at first glance. People can change, I pray he has over the years. It would scare me too though.
Hugs
It's sad to watch anyone we love make bad choices. I pray this will unfold better than it appears at first glance. People can change, I pray he has over the years. It would scare me too though.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I agree with Ann. It is absolutely ok to put space between you and anyone (that includes parents, siblings, spouse, adult children, etc.) whose choices make you uncomfortable. It doesn't mean we love them less. It means that we are taking care of ourselves in a healthy way.
Do what you need to do to take care of you.
gentle hugs
Ke
Do what you need to do to take care of you.
gentle hugs
Ke
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