bottomline

My step son (SS) is 18 and currently doing his first rehab...a 12 step program. He is a substance abuser. My SS has lived primarily in his mother's house with the normal visitation at our home. The mother isn't bad, but doesn't exactly have dinner prepared as she should or be around when she could. My husband has always had issues with her parenting style. i.e., We set clear rules and boundaries with SS and followed through. She did not. So, recently, he went into heavy use. He stopped coming to our house for about 2 months because he knew he couldn't get away with anything. During this time my husband realized we needed to take action and set up an intervention. SS walked out after 2+ hours, but came to us on his own terms, about 10 days later, to go into rehab.
My question is this: My husband feels none of this would have happened if he was primarily with us. I reminded him that these things DID happen when he came to our house during the visitation times. It has been going on since middle school, but became more intense over the past year. This is what he believes...I am quoting him: "I am just saying within the right home or circumstance his problem may never have even surfaced. There are plenty of addicts who never even realize they are addicts because they never even get into this stuff in the first place." I told him we are going to have to agree to disagree. I think this is an excuse and he is not seeing the addiction for what it is. I feel that if SS wants to use, he is going to use. It doesn't matter if he is at the mother's house or our house. You cannot set up a perfect environment thinking it will keep the addict away from using.
Comments...please.

DecBaby

Well what's done is done. There's no point in the what if game. Some people enable a lot more. And addicts tend to gravitate to those people.

Ann

Blame and shame is not the solution. Many addicts come from loving homes with good and fair discipline and responsibilities and still hit the skids. Others come from sad or unhappy homes. Many good kids come from sad or unhappy homes too.

At this point it doesn't matter. What matters is what is or is not acceptable in your home. Think out your boundaries and consequences, then make them clear and enforce them.

This all said by a loving mother who thought for too many years that love and a good home could save my son. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

Good luck, I think you all have some rough roads ahead.

Hugs

TMZ

It is typical for us men to say it's the ex's fault. But the fact is he was using in your place too, you guys just didn't catch him. It had to be going on for a long time before he figured it out.

The environment is not what makes them choose to use. It does't matter rich or poor, good or bad parents/home, intelligent or stupid, it is their choice. That is something they have power over, and it is their feelings on how they want to handle it when the opportunity arises.

In my state every household has been touched by the disease of addiction. In the country 1 of 3 people know someone with an addiction. The first thoughts all of us parents think is; Where did I go wrong? Was I a bad parent? Why couldn't I see the signs? .... I felt this way for many years put both my children through rehab a few times. They just learned to manipulate me better. They are grown adults!! Through Nar-Anon and SR I have learned it is there problem, and it is not my fault!

This is a disease that only they can work on and there is nothing we as parents can do to help them. we are too close, we love them, and we only want the best for our children. They need professional help, they need to work the program. And we need to work our program, talk openly about it and find the answers to end this war on drugs.

Please share this with your husband. Let him know he too needs help. Find a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon group near you, Go to a few meetings and see what you learn.
Keep posting , keep reading here...

bottomline

This helps me a lot. I appreciate all of these comments and I am going to share them with my husband.

zoso77

So your husband believes that he can control the behavior and the choices of his son. This isn't a unique point of view. In fact, those with children on the board have shared those views when they joined up. I would recommend you read as many stories as you can here.

ZoSo

bottomline

He is saying that if his son chooses to live with his mother, he has a less likely chance of success because he can manipulate her. If he lives with us, since he believes our home is more stable, etc., he thinks SS's chances will be better. The one thing that is different with our home is we have set the boundaries/rules and stuck through with the consequences. That is the only part that is better. I told him it doesn't matter at all where SS lives. Even if when he goes out on his own. If he is going relapse and use, it won't be caused by where he lives in. SS is the only one who can control and deal with his addiction. We cannot magically set him up to succeed or fail. He is having a hard time grasping that. I told him to go online, go to another meeting and see what people who've lived it and experienced it have to say. It is going to be a long process for my husband. I told him it is all counterproductive and not facing that the problem begins and ends (hopefully) with his son. Doesn't matter what we do or don't do.

cynical one

Are there any other children living in your home?

bottomline

Yes, there are. We're the Brady Bunch. We each came into our marriage with kids. I have three. My oldest is in college, so not home all that often during school. Then there is my 15 year old son and 10 year old daughter.

sojourner

Another mom of an addict here. I raised 3 kids (3-1/2 years apart in ages). 1 tried drugs but did not get addicted. 1 never tried a thing. 1 tried drugs and got addicted.

JMO, but no way would I allow an active drug user (or even newly-sober drug user) in my home with younger children. Not only is it the influence from the SS, it's all his drug-using friends that he is going to introduce to the younger ones when you are not around, or even when you are around. They deserve to be protected from that.

Again, just my opinion.

bottomline

Ahhh, well. SS already has offered pot to my middle son when they both were younger.

I am concerned about my kids, as well. This is part of the reason for my post here. I am concerned that because my husband believes a better home will help keep his son clean, he is going to have him live with us. We both work full time, so there would be a lot of time on SS hands when we would not be here. Or that he would be here when my son is home after school. I'm in a real tough spot on this one because I am afraid if this living situation comes up...he is going to feel I don't care about his son.

dorton

I think it is always easier to blame someone, anyone for addiction. By spending time blaming the mom and her parenting style he is taking time away from really dealing with the problem. Put blame aside and move on.

allforcnm

I think of some things you will have to agree to disagree. It doesn't do any good now to place blame on one parent or the other, but I think it is good to look at the relationships that exist between SS and each parent, and examine the parenting style to determine whats in his best interest (support, not enabling, boundaries, etc). I do agree with your husband that there are a lot of people in the world who have addictive tendencies but they never become addicted to drugs because they are not exposed to them; and I agree many are channeled into other interest and sometimes form positive addictions to education, sports, become goal oriented and just focus on various positive endeavors.

There is also an interesting article that I read a while back from Partnership Drug Free America - that does talk about the correlation between families that sit down to dinner, how they communicate, and what affect that has on a childs abuse of substances. When I read your husbands comment it jumped out at me because of this article: Commentary: Studies Find That Dinner Makes a Difference; Family Day Spreads the Word | The Partnership at Drugfree.org

I do agree that if SS wants to use drugs then he will likely use in either environment, but is there an environment that would make him less likely to want to use while he works on recovery? He is only 18, and has been using for several years, so there is a theory that maturity level stops at the age of onset, so does he appear to be at the age of a typical 18 year old in terms of decision making, and life skills?

It is a tough spot to be in for all of you. The good news is that he is in rehab however. Prrayers that he takes it all in & it works well for him.

pravchaw

If I were you, I would get my priorities straight, e.g.,
1. Protect my younger kids.
2. Protect my boundaries.
3. Keep peace with my husband.
4. Help my SS. (keep in mind he is still young and in recovery).
- and work from there. i.e. if there is a conflict between a higher priority and a lower priority item and no simple way to resolve it, the higher priority wins.

bottomline

All of this helps me, a lot. The priorities are difficult. And I think my husband and I have to sit down and write down our individual priorities and then compare and work through the differences. I do not want our lives consumed by SS's addiction. That is what I fear the most.

jeepgirl

I just want to add that we are a family that had all home cooked dinners together, family vacations, lovely aunts, uncles, shared holidays, and I still raised an addict.

lizwig

Thank you jeepgirl, we are as well. Highly functioning adults, sit down dinners every night, ski trips, European vacations, dirt bike racing, family holidays.....great conversations, counseling when his attitude became challenging.....more when he was caught with pot at school. Nothing we did made a lick of difference. I knew we we in trouble and in it for the long haul by the time my son was 17. I struggle with wondering if we may have missed something...but I honestly feel it's the luck of the draw. Some of the above mentioned things may have helped a different child but apparently...not mine. I do find comfort in that he can pull on those experiences and family relationships when he is ready for recovery. Until then I am powerless. I will focus on my own recovery and strengthening the relationships that suffered while I kept myself busy doing the dance of addiction.

Tinks65

this thread makes me think of families whose children have cancer, diabetes etc ...

is there talk of too many happy meals early in life? too much sugar? not enough sleep, was there exposure to second hand smoke?? If only we had been a healthier family? If only we had exercised more, or perhaps the blame game comes to pointing at his side of the family or hers ... a genetic link to cancer? No, I don't think so.

simple truth is this ... many kids try drugs and alcohol, even use recreationally through their college years without getting addicted. Sadly, many (like my son) try to put them aside and cannot.

We too were a picture perfect family. I was a stay at home mom, family dinners were a standard, our home was and continues to be a place of love, acceptance and faith. My husband and I celebrated 29 years of marriage this summer. We, along with our other three children love our AS unconditionally and have always drawn and held boundaries

The three C's .... such powerful words that bring such relief from crushing guilt

I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it.