Commissary. To Give or Not to Give!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Commissary. To Give or Not to Give!
So, we all want our loved ones to get better. He's in jail on drug related charges. Sixty or so days. On his last binge he stole the Ipad and sold his car for drug money because I refused to give him the keys for 2 weeks. We're married. He needs commissary and he has no one else to give him any. When I went to see him he made me feel really guilty that I should give to him. I almost feel that if I don't give it to him that he's not going to feel supported or loved. Hey, which is my job as a wife? I believe that he's going to get sober again. He's been trying and knows it's a problem for the last 3 years. 2 of those years being sober. I know what's it's like to be a single mom and do everything alone while working 50 hours plus. (not fun)( I kicked him out when I was pregnant with our last child for 8 months.. he landed in jail and I gave him nothing. After 2 weeks of that jail stint he admitted he had a problem and started going to NA. He got out and left for Oklahoma and stayed sober. I guess i'm linking me not supporting him while he's in jail.. as when he comes out not helping me. Like a tit for tat. What do you all think? He doesn't have anyone else that is willing to do anything for him. (his parents are poor) I know he needs it and it will help him while he's in there. I know if it were the other way around I would want him to give to me.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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Well just so you know life in jail without commissary is tough. Possible but tough. It's helps moral if you can at least be able to get cosmetics. Things like soap, shampoo, they don't give you everything you need. It would be nice of you to do. Should you? Idk.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
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I might not be much help here because my loved one is AS's and not a spouse. But I also now the fears of making the wrong decision. It's hard and so confusing I know I too have been torn between help and enabling.
I have spoke with many addicts that have been in jail, and are out now. (one being one of my AS) To begin with when they are in jail, we know they are safe and get three meals and a cot. But that is only one of the three places they end up. they could always wind up in an institution or dead.
We all have hope the family and the addicts. That is what carries us through to the next day. When they are in there they have time to think. They need some reason, some hope that they can beat the monster of addiction. Just something to look forward too helps. Most of them have told me writing while in prison helped them think more clear. They looked forward to receiving and writing letters. They also liked telephone calls and an occasional visit. They have NA and AA meetings in there and that helps if they start to work the program.
Having a small amount of money on the books also shows that someone cares. That they can have a little extra food and be able to buy paper and envelops to send out mail.
Those are the things that caries them through. It's not enabling, it is showing hope and love. Something we all need, something to hang on to when all is lost. It seamed to make the ones I have talked to decide to get clean, and keep out of that situation after they got out.
Commissary I would not give. They are there as a natural consequence for their behavior. They need to know that they are the only one that can change things. Nothing you do or say will change that fact. We ( the family members ) Are too close to them and love them too much. They need to seek and find help themselves. When they do and can prove they are on the road to recovery(witch takes a long time) then we can be there to offer love and advice.
I hope this helps you some with your dilemma. Keep posting, keep sharing, and reading other posts.
We are here for you.
I have spoke with many addicts that have been in jail, and are out now. (one being one of my AS) To begin with when they are in jail, we know they are safe and get three meals and a cot. But that is only one of the three places they end up. they could always wind up in an institution or dead.
We all have hope the family and the addicts. That is what carries us through to the next day. When they are in there they have time to think. They need some reason, some hope that they can beat the monster of addiction. Just something to look forward too helps. Most of them have told me writing while in prison helped them think more clear. They looked forward to receiving and writing letters. They also liked telephone calls and an occasional visit. They have NA and AA meetings in there and that helps if they start to work the program.
Having a small amount of money on the books also shows that someone cares. That they can have a little extra food and be able to buy paper and envelops to send out mail.
Those are the things that caries them through. It's not enabling, it is showing hope and love. Something we all need, something to hang on to when all is lost. It seamed to make the ones I have talked to decide to get clean, and keep out of that situation after they got out.
Commissary I would not give. They are there as a natural consequence for their behavior. They need to know that they are the only one that can change things. Nothing you do or say will change that fact. We ( the family members ) Are too close to them and love them too much. They need to seek and find help themselves. When they do and can prove they are on the road to recovery(witch takes a long time) then we can be there to offer love and advice.
I hope this helps you some with your dilemma. Keep posting, keep sharing, and reading other posts.
We are here for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Commissary is that extra money to buy soap, envelopes, stamps, coffee and some extra food... So I was confused when you said commissary I would not give. I have made up my mind to help him with a few dollars to show him I don't hate him. I'm aggravated at how wasteful he was and admit it's financial abuse when he's using. (he hates himself enough) He's working with a psychiatrist and counselor and NA, and church in there. He promises to continue to keep up with his anti-depressants this time. He has a few relapses since he's started recovering but he tells me he learns more about his disease with every time. He has not given up. I'm also bringing our daughter to visit him next week. Thank you.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
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I have struggled with this A LOT with my AB. I am his only contact, his only source while in jail and now in prison, so of course I get the calls and letters about wanting money on his books.
I eventually came to a decision that I would help him just enough so that he could have some toiletries and basics, but that was it. Initially I gave more, but all he did was buy tons of junk food and they use that to 'hustle' in jail. So I told him I would put a few bucks on there so he could get some essentials, but that was it. Unfortunately its all just one account, so up to him to make an intelligent decision with whatever money I put on there.
I know at least in our state system they give them the bare minimum, like a hotel size bar of soap and maybe a toothbrush, but not much else. When he was transferred from jail to prison, he started from scratch again. I have a friend who has a spouse in prison, so I cross referenced facts to know for sure what they do and don't get since my brother is great at guilt tripping me.
I always try and remember, jail is supposed to suck, you hope they don't EVER want to go back there.
I eventually came to a decision that I would help him just enough so that he could have some toiletries and basics, but that was it. Initially I gave more, but all he did was buy tons of junk food and they use that to 'hustle' in jail. So I told him I would put a few bucks on there so he could get some essentials, but that was it. Unfortunately its all just one account, so up to him to make an intelligent decision with whatever money I put on there.
I know at least in our state system they give them the bare minimum, like a hotel size bar of soap and maybe a toothbrush, but not much else. When he was transferred from jail to prison, he started from scratch again. I have a friend who has a spouse in prison, so I cross referenced facts to know for sure what they do and don't get since my brother is great at guilt tripping me.
I always try and remember, jail is supposed to suck, you hope they don't EVER want to go back there.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
When my sister requested commissary money from jail the last time I didn't send her anything. I had spent more than enough time and money softening the consequences of her actions by that point and obviously none of that effort did anything to make her better or to make her make better decisions for herself. She wasn't spending her days worrying about how she could make me feel better, she was worried about herself, and only herself. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It wasn't a matter of keeping her morale up, it was a matter of improving mine by no longer associating all of her actions with things that I could control - because her decisions had nothing to do with what I did or didn't do, and thinking that I could control them was hurting us both.
Also, him abandoning his children is reprehensible regardless of what his excuse was for doing so. Really? No commissary so I'm just going to abandon my children? Does that sound remotely reasonable to anyone?
It wasn't a matter of keeping her morale up, it was a matter of improving mine by no longer associating all of her actions with things that I could control - because her decisions had nothing to do with what I did or didn't do, and thinking that I could control them was hurting us both.
Also, him abandoning his children is reprehensible regardless of what his excuse was for doing so. Really? No commissary so I'm just going to abandon my children? Does that sound remotely reasonable to anyone?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I decided that he was being overly selfish. He put himself there. He made the bad decisions to land him there. If he doesn't want to get better because he can't eat candy bars in jail then he's not serious about his recovery. Why should I keep throwing money at and endless pit? I shouldn't.
I did already buy him a sweat shirt and sweat pants, shorts and t-shirts. I also will probably put in some money so he can get soap and other stuff.. but not on a weekly basis. I feel that his disease is so selfish. Also taking my feelings and "good heart" and asking for too much.
I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings. "This is a fact - your actions have proved that you love heroin more than your family." If he chooses to not be with me or blame another relapse on me not supporting him.. it will just be an excuse. If he wants to get better he will get better. With or without my support. Thanks for listening.
I feel like i'm bi-polar some days.
I did already buy him a sweat shirt and sweat pants, shorts and t-shirts. I also will probably put in some money so he can get soap and other stuff.. but not on a weekly basis. I feel that his disease is so selfish. Also taking my feelings and "good heart" and asking for too much.
I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings. "This is a fact - your actions have proved that you love heroin more than your family." If he chooses to not be with me or blame another relapse on me not supporting him.. it will just be an excuse. If he wants to get better he will get better. With or without my support. Thanks for listening.
I feel like i'm bi-polar some days.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by KeepinItReal 
I'm also bringing our daughter to visit him next week. Thank you.
NOT being uprooted and making jails, prisons, or rehabs their norm.
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I totally agree with not bringing her. I think i'm going crazy. I need the support here. I'm glad I found others that can understand. This is why I posted. I need other people to tell me that i'm NOT crazy for not wanting to drag my kids through a jail to see their dad who is locked up behind glass. NOT NORMAL!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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No you're not going crazy. You're just in a tough spot. But, before making decisions just ask yourself "is this the best thing for the children?" And, you cant ever go wrong when you put their safety and/or wellbeing first.
As far as putting money on his books. Jails provide them with the things they NEED not everything they WANT. Many jails have jobs available such as kitchen work , janitorial jobs, and maintenance crew. The pay is very low, but enough to get some Ramen Noodles to tide them over between meals.
As far as putting money on his books. Jails provide them with the things they NEED not everything they WANT. Many jails have jobs available such as kitchen work , janitorial jobs, and maintenance crew. The pay is very low, but enough to get some Ramen Noodles to tide them over between meals.
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