red27

This is my second post and I guess I don't expect a magic answer. I just would like to hear input from anyone who might get what I'm going through. As I mentioned before my fiancé is a recovering addict. He was really bad for a year and half after we got together (he also suffered from addiction before I met him). He has been clean and sober for 3 months from the pills and 2 months from alcohol. He has turned back into the man I fell in love with. He is respectful, he listens, basically he's not an ass. He helps out around the house, he promises I can have prescription pain killers in the house without it being a problem (he took them from me before). He's very supportive of me, and ready to take care of me after my surgery. I'm noticing now that he irritates me and I am constantly wanting to check his pockets for pills and look at his eyes for evidence of using, or make sure he doesn't have anything to do with the guy he used to buy from. Why now??? Since he's not using now, shouldn't my wasted obsessive behaviors be put to rest? Anyone have any advice for stopping these behaviors? I was like this while he was using, then I relaxed and now I'm back like this.

jerect

I think it's a matter of trust... Deep down you don't trust him ( which is totally normal by the way) and your waiting for that other show to drop...

You have to come to the realization that if he is going to use again he's going to use again.. Looking for signs of use is just a way for you to control an outcome, be it your emotions or his usage or lack of usage... If he starts using again, you will know.. You will just know.. Listen to your gut but don't let this consume you.. Focus on some things that you enjoy, things that have nothing to do with his recovery...

Impurrfect

Red - All I can share is my ES&H. FWIW, I fell in love with a "functioning alcoholic", learned how to be a codie REALLY well. Couldn't fix him, turned to drugs. As of now, I'm a recovering addict and recovering codie.

With my last bf (he was XABF#3), I really did love him and his family. As it turned out, he had been an A for years.

I won't go into all the details, but at some point I chose recovery, he was figuring out how I could make money for both of us (prostitution...which I had turned to previously). I had enough recovery, at that point, I left him.

My sad realization was that it wouldn't matter HOW many years he got clean (if he did), I would STILL no trust him. I would forever be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I chose not to live my life that way (thanks to all from this forum) and started focusing on what *I* needed.

Long story short. I loved him, but I didn't trust him and to me? That's a HUGE part of a relationship. I moved forward in recovery, wrote to him while he was in jail, attended his mom's funeral (she REALLY loved me and told me to get away from him...her own son...and get my life back together).

He died a couple years later, crack pipe in hand. I'm over 6 years in recovery and though times are still tough (consequences SUCK!!) I'm moving forward.

I don't know, to this day, what I want in a mate? But I know what I don't want...if I've got to be checking on him, doubting what he says, etc. BIG red flag. Did that with THREE XABFs, and though I know not everyone is an addict, due to my codie recovery, I've learned that when red flags come up? I need to pay attention.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kkcr

I am dealing with the same problem. My husband went to rehab for drugs and alcohol and just received his 60 day chip but I am constantly looking for signs of relapse. I thought by now I would have regained the trust I had in him but I am still skeptical. It consumes me as well. I read all the books and know I need to let go and let him continue his recovery but its easier said then done!

heatherp78

hun I was the same checking all the time for things hidden to from me then I read about co dependency it was me in a nut shell there is a good article about on the stickys once I let go of that worry things seem to be easier, although its like giving up a habit for me a work in progress xxoo