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Old 08-24-2013, 05:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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mourning the loss of family


Tears that don't stop falling make my kids worried. My husband has left choosing heroin andhis mom and ddad's house to do them in. I stayed up late reading the stickies. The pain is so intense. I know to let go. I know to move on. 12 years and 2 kids and hundreds of broken promises. Dreams of us together last night torturing me. I know when he goes to jail within the next few weeks he will sober up. An apology or promise isn't going to work as much as I love him. I can't keep living in this cycle. My kids need me happy and stable. I cannot be selfish like his disease. I want to be the opposite if his disease. I'm in mourning and pain for a family that has lost. I'm 29 years old, I have 2 kids, 3 & 7. I am the bread winner and super mom. How can I have the strength to not let him back this time. Meetings in my areally don't have child care. I'm here. Asking for some coping skills in a world that doesn't really understand.
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Old 08-24-2013, 05:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Adding that he moved out and went to lI've at his parents. This last binge has gotten the kids iPad and a car sold for drugs. In also moving this weekend and he completely abandoned us. Knowing he doesn't and never will love me more than heroin is my motivation for not letting this cycle continue. He hasn't called in 3 days.
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Old 08-24-2013, 05:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Real, I am so sorry for the pain you and your children have gone through and are still experiencing. My heart hurts for you.

But what a marvelous act of strength and love for your children you have made by moving on from the addict and not letting him harm you and your children any further.

I see a bright future ahead of you after this time of struggle.

And good for you, for coming here! This is a great place with great people who will give you lots of support!
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Old 08-24-2013, 05:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Real, I'm sorry for what has brought you here. It is so discouraging to watch someone destroy all that is good in their life. I know how incredibly difficult this must be for you but please keep in mind your kids are watching you. Your despair tells them they have reason for concern. Just as you are powerless over his addiction....they are powerless over your emotions. Fake it till you make it. Plan fun things for the three of you. Show them through your actions that you are all going to be okay. Once they are in bed.... go somewhere quiet and breakdown if you need to. I'm glad you've found this site. It has helped me more than I can say.
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Old 08-24-2013, 07:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks! I'm trying to keep it together as much as possible around the kids. I work a lot and find myself crying during work hours. (family business) I'm planning on getting the book to work the 12 steps for codependents and see where that leaves me. I also am scared to bring my daughter to counseling again because the counselor was very harsh and judgmental on me not leaving him... which, of course I assured her.. this was his last chance. I'm scared I will give him another chance. I need to focus on myself.. like these 12 steps are saying. I need to tell him to live in sober recovery when he gets out of jail. If he chooses not to do those things, then I know he's not going to stay sober. Everyone at his Dad's house.. all 4 of the kids his parents raised are opiate addicts. It's tolerated and enabled and there's is literally nothing I can do about it. I know the him not on drugs really loves me, but the things he's done when he's sick has probably brought him more shame and pushes him further into his addiction. I've come to say that even though I will always love him and he will always love me that it's not good enough. Sometimes love isn't enough. It's a hard pill to swallow that I couldn't love him better. Which is what I was trying to do. I'm glad I found this support place. Reading others stories helps. Thank you.
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Old 08-24-2013, 07:42 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Keepitreal, You are stronger than you think you are. You are on the right track that you have decided to separate from an active addict. There is nothing you can do to help him or to love him into recovery (if that was true most of us here would not be here). Addicts lose the power to listen to words (they only listen to "action") - you need to do the same, don't listen to his words, watch for his actions.
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Old 08-24-2013, 08:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm so sorry that you're having to make these difficult adjustments. You will be ok. Even though it doesn't feel like it fit now....you will.

It's so sad that love isn't enough to conquer addiction......there would be no addiction if that worked. We all love the addicts in our lives. We do understand.

Here's a link to the eBooks from Nar-Anon. There great information in them to help you with those coping skills you're looking for.

eBooks | Nar-Anon WebStore

The SESH and the 31 Days are both excellent. You can also get real books through the Nar-Anon site but I've got these downloaded on my iPhone so that I can read whenever and wherever I am. It does help.

You aren't alone. We understand the anguish you feel. A burden shared is a burden lessened.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 08-24-2013, 09:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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He called. I melted and told him how much I care about him. He asked me to come over to his parents to hang out tonight. I told him no. (which i'm proud of) He knows i'm moving this weekend and decided that he will help me on Sunday. I know he's going to jail next week for violating probation. (he's choosing to do his full time) I know i'm addicted to him. I know the pain of being without him is crazy. I know i'm losing my mind.. but like others said the hope he will get better haunts me. I know I have codependency. I know that I have to work the steps to get better myself before i'll have the strength to sever the relationship between me and him if need be. At this point he knows he'll be moving into a sober house when he's done with jail. He knows that he cannot live with me, and knows that I don't want to be with him when he's using. He doesn't think I will divorce him (because i'm not ready.) Thanks for listening.
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Old 08-24-2013, 07:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You are in a tough situation, and making some very tough decisions with great courage.

I'd encourage you to NOT see him and NOT let him help you Sunday when you move. This is the start of your new life, and far better that you start it without him on your own steam.

For me, having had to see my abusive XAH because of property we own together and need to sell, it kicks me backwards emotionally every time. Just isn't worth it.

Take care of you and your kids, and good luck

ShootingStar1
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Old 08-25-2013, 02:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Great advice, ShootingStar1!

I hope so much she has the strength to take the good advice, because she and her children have been hurt far too much already and Im hoping so much she won't open the door to let in more pain.
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Old 08-25-2013, 04:04 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Im so sorry hun it will take time to heal and find your strength,but rest assured everybody on here is in a similar position and its great just to know your not alone, again I say it everyday to myself take everyday as it comes xxxooo
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Old 08-25-2013, 08:36 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Real, I'm sorry for what has brought you here. It is so discouraging to watch someone destroy all that is good in their life. I know how incredibly difficult this must be for you but please keep in mind your kids are watching you. Your despair tells them they have reason for concern. Just as you are powerless over his addiction....they are powerless over your emotions. Fake it till you make it. Plan fun things for the three of you. Show them through your actions that you are all going to be okay. Once they are in bed.... go somewhere quiet and breakdown if you need to. I'm glad you've found this site. It has helped me more than I can say.
I just have to second this great advice from Lizwig. Your children are young, yes, but they are taking ALL of it into their psyches and their memory bank. Love them, hug them, comfort them. And I really hope you move today without his help. It is so easy to get triggered and sucked back into it all. Take good care of yourself, too. Hot baths, chocolate, you know...
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Old 08-25-2013, 07:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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He got arrested yesterday. It probably was because i told his probation officer where he was staying... as he was on a binge with his sister. This is a cycle for us. He stays sober for 6 months then self sabotages. This is financial abuse towards me and the kids. I am a codependent. If letting go was easy for me I would have a long time ago. I am not ready to divorce him. I have stuck out other jail sentences with him. I'm addicted to him Like he's addicted to heroin but maybe with work he will quit... but if not I will hold my boundaries. I appreciate the support and know you all are trying try to help. I will take care of my kids and he will not get to come first. I have a lot of work to do on myself. His jail time will give me that time. If my husband shows me he's staying sober... at this point I know I'll try as gain. I'm not at the hopeless point. I am also a recovering addict of alcohol and cocaine... but God and angels help me. I do not use anymore and haven't in 4 years. Thanks for listening.
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Old 08-25-2013, 08:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I would like to add I feel much better with him in jail bc I know he won't have such a high risk of death in there. I love him and hope he gets better.
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Old 08-25-2013, 08:29 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Adding that he moved out and went to lI've at his parents. This last binge has gotten the kids iPad and a car sold for drugs. In also moving this weekend and he completely abandoned us. Knowing he doesn't and never will love me more than heroin is my motivation for not letting this cycle continue. He hasn't called in 3 days.
You are obviously already a very strong person. Now it's just time to break the cycle and be strong for yourself and the kids and not for him anymore. Sometimes all we can do to help is to cut them off.
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Old 08-25-2013, 08:42 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Tears that don't stop falling make my kids worried. My husband has left choosing heroin andhis mom and ddad's house to do them in. I stayed up late reading the stickies. The pain is so intense. I know to let go. I know to move on. 12 years and 2 kids and hundreds of broken promises. Dreams of us together last night torturing me. I know when he goes to jail within the next few weeks he will sober up. An apology or promise isn't going to work as much as I love him. I can't keep living in this cycle. My kids need me happy and stable. I cannot be selfish like his disease. I want to be the opposite if his disease. I'm in mourning and pain for a family that has lost. I'm 29 years old, I have 2 kids, 3 & 7. I am the bread winner and super mom. How can I have the strength to not let him back this time. Meetings in my areally don't have child care. I'm here. Asking for some coping skills in a world that doesn't really understand.
It's been about 2 months since I kicked my AH out, then drove him to the hospital the next day. He just used rehab as a vehicle to plan going back to his family who all use. I'm telling you it gets easier. I am taking the steps for divorce because he called from rehab blaming me for his misery, and I know that's not true. He's miserable because I have rules and made sure to be in charge of everything and that didn't work with his using. He pawned his wedding band, my laptop, and countless other things. I made sure to get the keys before I took him to the hospital etc. I really wanted my life back. Do you know how nice it was to be able to put my jewelry out, not have my purse/wallet with me at all times? Little joys that you didn't realize you had lost start to come up again. You start to feel less stress as time goes on. It doesn't mean that you don't love him, but you should start to love yourself more, and taking back control of your life and your children's lives is a great feeling. Crying at work is normal for a while, I cry in public and have no shame! You would be surprised at how kind strangers can be.
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Old 08-25-2013, 08:59 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I'm sorry that he's blaming you. I would think it's manipulation. My husband might want to leave me also. It's his choice. We are high-school sweethearts.... so the statistics aren't in our favor. The first time I found out he was using I threw him out. 8 months l8r he goes to jail.. sober up and admits heroin. (I thought only pills) at that time. He came home after jail, told me he was going to slip and we discussed options. He moved to Oklahoma for 6 months then came home, relapsed, went back to Oklahoma being able to stay sober away from his sister, brother in law, brother and father who all use opiates and abuse them. Then! After all th as t time goes back try o jail and gera 5 years probation for a charge he got but wasn't perused by the police until 2 years l8r. Incident was Jan. 2010...Police charged him. May 2012. Me and the kids can live without him but we do love him.
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Old 08-25-2013, 09:07 PM   #18 (permalink)
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He first admitted he had a problem May 2010... it's been 3 years of him trying. Sad. How long for your husband overit?
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Old 08-25-2013, 09:29 PM   #19 (permalink)
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He first admitted he had a problem May 2010... it's been 3 years of him trying. Sad. How long for your husband overit?
For mine we worked through a relapse two years ago, he got treatment, a psych but he is also diagnosed bipolar. He had been doing great, we moved for his promotion over a year ago, and I caught him lying about smoking cigs about three months after the move. I couldn't figure it out because no money was missing and no belongings were missing. I kept asking him to go to the doctor over and over thinking that it was his depression getting the better of him...wasn't the case. I was as careful as could be, asking many questions...then everything finally came to a head and I caught him with proof. It's been a struggle for him as long as I've known him, but he was in NA, had a sponsor etc. when we got together and married. I worked my ass off to put him through school so he didn't have to work, and he didn't really really well. He started working for a corporation after graduation, received many awards, and just threw everything away. The really fun part? Piecing together all of the lies with his now former boss. He quit his job opting to be back in a bad area for him with family that uses. He's too afraid to stick it out here and fix the problems. So he tells me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and I'm not fighting it. Instead I'm protecting myself and getting out of the marriage. He just threw a great life filled with opportunities away and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I hope for the best for him but prepare for the worst. This is not the many I married, this is full on addict. What's worse is that he doesn't sound like he's in recovery in the rehab center. Woah, sorry to ramble- he's supposed to pick up his stuff tomorrow before he leaves and I'm very anxious. I don't want to see him and I haven't heard from him since I told him to handle his life himself.
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Old 08-26-2013, 09:14 AM   #20 (permalink)
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It sounds like your at your breaking point. Scary realization the aaddiction could win. Good luck.
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