Question on selecting our significant other?
 

In my IOP yesterday the group leader said that we are attracted and seek out spouses based on our childhood role models, such as our parents. Does anyone here agree or disagree with this? What are your thoughts?

AGREE!!!! =] lol
We talked about this in IOP as well.
I really dont think we realize we are doing it though.

My husband of 29 years is not like either of my parents. Not at all :)

I think I have similarities with my husband's mother (except she was an alcoholic and I have never drank). I think my husband has similarities with my dad.

Kari

My husband fits right in with my family, but no one there has an addiction. He didnt until recently though. Sometimes I think people pick exact opposites of their family. And sometimes I forget the saying, but you date people you would never take home to mom, and marry the ones you would. But sometimes you latch onto the ones your dating, even when you know they aren't right for you. why? unhealthy self maybe?

My father was an addict and I grew up in a house of fights, bad feelings and my mum trying to control his addiction.

And all of a sudden I found myself involved with an addict with no future and my fighting to try to control him and his addiction. Maybe at the end it is the truth.

Well all of my preivious relationships were with extremely controlling (abusive) men and heavy drinkers (alcoholics). My axh being the worst. My mother was ACOA and quite controlling and was often emotionally abusive toward my brother and I. Although, she never drank herself. My present husband of 25 years was very codependent (he has grown and changed a lot this last year, totally fed up with me and my addiction!) My father was very codependent with my mother.

I guess I've just never really thought about why we are attracted to certain types of people. Probably, it does help to know this sort of thing if we keep finding ourselves in unhealthy relationships.

At least we can step back and say "Uh oh! Not another one of those!"

The crazy part is that my family was poor, D's is wealthy and kinda snotty, but they are both the same.

I think we chose our mates for a number of reasons. Childhood role models are probably one, among other role models (my Mom married my kind, thoughtful step dad when I was 19). My current husband is a mixture of my Mom and my Step Dad. Sometimes that is helpful and sometimes-not so much.

Yes. I grew up with a coke/pot head for a father and an unemotional mother. My choice of men has been horrible! Addicts to abusers, cheaters, controlling, possessive, etc. as I get older I don't take it as much but at the same time I'm in my 30!s and married to a alcoholic. I guess I never could break the pattern.

A few months ago I would have disagreed with this.
My AH grew up with an alcoholic controlling father. I grew up in a staunch christian home. but also under extreme control just in a different way.

Over the past few months I have come to realize the extent that my father's "workaholic" nature has put on my parents 40+ years relationship. although he has never drank, or done drugs his actions due to his "work addiction" are alarmingly similar to my husbands drug and work addiction... and me in my codie is very similar to my mothers codie.
So I would have to agree, that we marry our parents.... and all I have to say to that is...
GOD PLEASE, let my kids do better than me!!!

well my dad is a 20 year sober alcoholic and my boyfriend is a now 2 month recovering heroin addict so quite possibly lol