Leahmarie9

So I've been struggling he's sober for now everything's going great so far. But I've been thinking I know it's not healthy or right to be with an addict that isn't serious about recovery or one that always relapses. But how do you get over them I still can't understand why they're so "addicting" to be with why they have that hold over you like no other man has. I love myself I truly do that's why I've left him in the dust a few times and carried on for myself but how do we learn to love a new sober normal man?

Kindeyes

Two years after divorcing my AXH, I met and married my current husband. He is normal, responsible, loving, kind, and healthy. How did I learn to love him?

After my divorce I recognized something about myself.....I was lousy at picking men. I tended to lean toward the men who "needed me" because I wanted to be needed. For me, being needed = being loved. (Yeah....I know....messed up....right?). I dated on a referral basis only. I figured that other people were better pickers than I was. I also knew I wanted a man who was the complete opposite of my XAH. My current husband was a "referral" from a friend.

We've been married for 28 years.....happily. It is possible to love a normal man but first, I needed to recognize some stuff about myself.

They're out there.......(good men).......I wouldn't have recognized one if I saw him.....that's why I only dated on a referral basis. lol

gentle hugs
ke

Leahmarie9

Yeah my mom has told me I always pick men that need to be fixed or mommas boys an I turn into their new mother! I'm a natural helper and love to take care of people and make them feel good about themselves. My friends always ask me when am I going to do something for Leah!? I always feel selfish for putting me 1st and taking a day to myself! I had a bf before mine now and he was so sweet bent over backwards caring honest loyal and I threw him away because I don't know if I felt I didn't deserve it or if I thought he was too good to be true. I always have in my head that people are out to get me (stems from being adopted at 3 and my birth father denying I was his and signing me off, which I'm grateful for because I wouldn't have the amazing family that I do or beautiful life) I've got a lot of myself to discover. Right now my addict is doing good so far but is it wrong to walk away now after they have been doing well?

AnvilheadII

make your choices based on what is best FOR YOU not on what you think might be best FOR HIM.

Kindeyes

Listen to your friends. They care about you.....and that's a very good question!!

gentle hugs
ke

Lily1918

I think fear is what makes me stuck on other addicts.
One of my favorite quotes is "perfect love casts out fear."

I remember when D went to rehab, these were my thoughts:
When he gets better he wont need me anymore
Maybe he had "beer goggles" on the whole time and won't even like me anymore
Etc etc etc...

If I chose a strong, independent man, then I might not be wanted by him. For me, I found out through a lot of deep digging, that in making sure I was needed, that was how I protected myself from being abandoned.

I think that the way we learn to love a new man or a recovering man is to first love our own life and recovery.
Im not there yet, but I just take it one day at a time.