springerworthy

The day after getting out of rehab he "found" a pill and took it. He was so positive and ready. I'm devastated. He told me to ask around. Said it was common for someone to have one last lapse and it didn't mean he's giving up. I could drive away right now and leave him to figure things out alone. I feel sick.

dandylion

springer, in the final analysis he has to figure out things alone--for himself. Until he wants it for himself---there is nothing you can do---with the exception of not enabling him.

Maybe it is time to let go and let God. Otherwise you are just going to wear yourself out.

dandylion

**I know how demoralizing a relapse is!!!!!!

EnglishGarden

Addicts take pills because they're addicts. I finally got that when I read a book by a recovering drug addict named Steve Hamilton, the title is "I Want My Life Back." Though you need some support today, here, which will be along for you from other members, I wanted to mention this book, as it may help you better understand the compulsive and uncontrollable nature of addiction.

It is an extremely powerful compulsion, and it takes for some addicts many many running starts to finally find sobriety. Craving can last years. There is medication that treats craving, if the drug is an opiate. But that is a bridge, not a cure.

You are taking his relapse in the gut, but he did not do it to the relationship, he did not do it to you.

He is powerless over drugs. And he has barely begun figuring out how to live with that. He needs time, he needs the support of other addicts, and it would be so much better for you both if he could be relieved of your expectations. It just isn't time yet, for a relationship to work.

Could you release him for awhile? This addiction can kill him and he needs resources you are unable to give. Your disappointment and pain bring nothing useful to him today.

Your feelings are normal. But he does not need to receive them. You could take them to a meeting or a counselor. It hurts, you hurt, but he cannot meet you where you are today. It is the wrong course, if you decide to stay with him but take it personally every time he fails.

Can you release him for now? The best course is to find a meeting and work on your own issues.

allforcnm

People, places, things are triggers for addiction. He just came home and was confronted by probably all of these things, along with strong emotions. Being in rehab is a chance to learn skills to help him cope, and deal with triggers; but now he has to put those skills to the test. He is correct, relapse is common, and it does not necessarily signal failure on his part. It is what he does afterword that really counts. If you haven't yet, it might help you to read up on the medical aspects of addiction; knowing that it is more than just a simple choice because there are many physiological factors at play. He can use this as a warning to understand how fragile his recovery is, and he can work to strengthen himself.... or he can let go of recovery. Just keep watching his actions, that is the best indicator of his progress.
It might also help you to read some over on the substance abuse forum; there are some threads there that talk about relapse and continued recovery.

Lily1918

Hmmm. I get it. I called treatment early in June and "decided" to get sober then, and now I am here at the end of August with 14 days. It most assuredly is a process

hellomynameis

You are taking his relapse in the gut, but he did not do it to the relationship, he did not do it to you.

He is powerless over drugs. And he has barely begun figuring out how to live with that. He needs time, he needs the support of other addicts, and it would be so much better for you both if he could be relieved of your expectations. It just isn't time yet, for a relationship to work.

Could you release him for awhile? This addiction can kill him and he needs resources you are unable to give. Your disappointment and pain bring nothing useful to him today.

Your feelings are normal. But he does not need to receive them. You could take them to a meeting or a counselor. It hurts, you hurt, but he cannot meet you where you are today. It is the wrong course, if you decide to stay with him but take it personally every time he fails.

Can you release him for now? The best course is to find a meeting and work on your own issues.


This is super powerful and helps me a lot w/ dealing w/ my own relapsing SO...do you mind if I copy and paste it out and put it in my book of good NARANON quotes?

hellomynameis

springerworthy -

can I suggest you find a NARANON or ALANON or both - or some sort of recovery support for families perhaps through the treatment center your addict attended?

I can't tell you how much it has helped me in only a few meetings to start working my own program of NARANON/ALANON....it takes my focus off of my addict and places it firmly on ME so that I can recover my life and be the best me I can be for life.

hellomynameis

He is right...it doesn't mean he is giving up...it just means he relapsed...is he in a program..what is his aftercare plan?

Rehab is like putting a bandaid on a hemmorage....it takes sutures to tie up an addiction and then lots of tending to them FOREVER...there is a good chance he could relapse more than once...having a good program will give you hope and it will give me a place to land should he fall and a place to gain support should he need it and he will need it.

A program can be lots of things...meetings, working steps, getting a sponsor, commiting to after care, sober living...but you can't step out of rehab and be done done with drugs...Rehab sets sometimes I think false expectation that the rule of drugs in an addict's life are OVER...They aren't over...not now not yet not ever...

Don't forget to take care of you...

springerworthy

Thanks everyone. He is attending meetings and is very motivated to follow through. He got a sponsor too. I have been to only two al anon meetings so far and obviously am not understanding it yet. I will got to an open meeting with him tonight and will look for a different group for myself.