Confusing words from a therapist
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Confusing words from a therapist
I am very puzzled. My 23 year old AS is court ordered for drug testing and is seeing a PO and in counseling. (drunk and disorderly on New Years) He went briefly inpatient and was told to follow up with AA and NA. He has not. I am sure it is because he does not WANT to, but also that he doesn't believe in a HP, or truthfully that he has a problem.
Today, out of the blue, I receive a text from his therapist. He states:
Your son needs to be attending NA and AA meetings every week honestly that should be a condition of him be able to live at the house you pay for his school. He is full of very poor ideas with regard to how to stay sober. He is also getting mixed messages and appears to be somewhat sabotaged.
I texted back Can you please call me to discuss and clarify (My thinking: I mean, really? via text? This is kinda big stuff)
His response: Im in sessions until late it's simple he needs to go to meetings if he doesn't go to meetings what are the consequences. Let's set up a family meeting.
I texted back : what do you mean sabotage?
No response.
This therapist is well known in the community, he is licensed, and he has also been there and came out of it. God Bless him. However,
I am feeling like this is a seagull approach (dive bomb in sh!t and leave) but thought those of you with more experience can maybe shed some light?
I have been going to Al Anon, trying to take care of my self. How much can I "force" my AS to go to AA/NA? I don't want my feelings of frustration with this situation to be a stumbling block - so any clarity will be welcomed.
Today, out of the blue, I receive a text from his therapist. He states:
Your son needs to be attending NA and AA meetings every week honestly that should be a condition of him be able to live at the house you pay for his school. He is full of very poor ideas with regard to how to stay sober. He is also getting mixed messages and appears to be somewhat sabotaged.
I texted back Can you please call me to discuss and clarify (My thinking: I mean, really? via text? This is kinda big stuff)
His response: Im in sessions until late it's simple he needs to go to meetings if he doesn't go to meetings what are the consequences. Let's set up a family meeting.
I texted back : what do you mean sabotage?
No response.
This therapist is well known in the community, he is licensed, and he has also been there and came out of it. God Bless him. However,
I am feeling like this is a seagull approach (dive bomb in sh!t and leave) but thought those of you with more experience can maybe shed some light?
I have been going to Al Anon, trying to take care of my self. How much can I "force" my AS to go to AA/NA? I don't want my feelings of frustration with this situation to be a stumbling block - so any clarity will be welcomed.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You can't force him. I would text back "tell him, not me, he's the one in trouble" and then leave it at that.
YOU don't have to answer to anyone, you're doing your own program of recovery. How dare he tell you what you must make your son do.
I'd let your son know of the text and tell him you are washing your hands of this, that it's between him and his counselor.
Just my thoughts.
Hugs
YOU don't have to answer to anyone, you're doing your own program of recovery. How dare he tell you what you must make your son do.
I'd let your son know of the text and tell him you are washing your hands of this, that it's between him and his counselor.
Just my thoughts.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
A family meeting, as he suggested, would probably be good too. With an open mind listen to what he says, and then make it clear that you are not the one in trouble and that your son needs to do what he is told or leave your home and face the consequences. You are his mother, not his warden.
Hugs and hugs
Hugs and hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
"Sabotaged" could have referred to associates, not familial situations?
Roughly looking at the context of things the therapist seems to look on AA/NA as dumping grounds, which they probably are in some respects.
That said, even if your son goes in bad faith, sometimes even this can provide a stepping stone in the right direction.
Roughly looking at the context of things the therapist seems to look on AA/NA as dumping grounds, which they probably are in some respects.
That said, even if your son goes in bad faith, sometimes even this can provide a stepping stone in the right direction.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
It's my understanding that there are laws regarding Doctor/patient confidentialities. When I went for my intake at a substance abuse outpatient program these laws where discussed.
Your son is over the age of 18 and an adult. Your son's treatment plans should only be discussed between the therapist (health prefessionals) at the program and his parole officer.
It seems like the therapist broke the laws by even diclosing that information to you unless your son signed a waiver giving you access.
My counselor even mentioned that if my husband called while I was in group, she could not disclose that fact that I was even there.
This is his responsibility to abide by the plan not yours!
Your son is over the age of 18 and an adult. Your son's treatment plans should only be discussed between the therapist (health prefessionals) at the program and his parole officer.
It seems like the therapist broke the laws by even diclosing that information to you unless your son signed a waiver giving you access.
My counselor even mentioned that if my husband called while I was in group, she could not disclose that fact that I was even there.
This is his responsibility to abide by the plan not yours!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I agree that there is nothing you can do to force your son to AA/NA etc. Its a waste of time and energy.
Looks like there is something in the counselors mind which you may want to understand, re: sabotaged. I tend to agree with Ann - to listen with an open mind. Perhaps he is seeing something you are not (i.e., a blind spot?).
Looks like there is something in the counselors mind which you may want to understand, re: sabotaged. I tend to agree with Ann - to listen with an open mind. Perhaps he is seeing something you are not (i.e., a blind spot?).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
cleanLI, we have all met together before, and saying as much as he did, but no more may be his way of alerting us to a(nother) problem(?) IDK.
And agree, that even going to AA/NA one can still pick up good information if not for now, then later.
And agree, that even going to AA/NA one can still pick up good information if not for now, then later.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Yes, then the text makes sense, therapist considers that you are working together. Although i agree with you, there are better, more personal, ways to inform you. A phone call perhaps?
It might be a good idea, in the future, to allow your son the chance to clean-up his own messes. (Let's hope there is no future need) I know, I know "hindsight is 2o/20"!
It's, my opinion that far too many use the "higher power" excuse for not attending AA/NA. When drowning are you going to ask who's hand is pulling you out from the water? These programs offer much more than the need to believe in a higher power. With any recovery program you take what you need and leave the rest!
It might be a good idea, in the future, to allow your son the chance to clean-up his own messes. (Let's hope there is no future need) I know, I know "hindsight is 2o/20"!
It's, my opinion that far too many use the "higher power" excuse for not attending AA/NA. When drowning are you going to ask who's hand is pulling you out from the water? These programs offer much more than the need to believe in a higher power. With any recovery program you take what you need and leave the rest!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: The Big Easy
Posts: 115
I can't get past the fact that any of this was in txt.
Im still shaking my head. I can't even wrap my head around what your processing.
It's a shame, bc all of this could have been talked through in a "group therapy" session, as he suggested. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Good luck to you! & to your son sobriety.
Stacia
Im still shaking my head. I can't even wrap my head around what your processing.
It's a shame, bc all of this could have been talked through in a "group therapy" session, as he suggested. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Good luck to you! & to your son sobriety.
Stacia
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My first thought is that your son has some legal requirement to attend AA/NA meetings based on his probation; get a card stamped for proof of attendance to satisfy the PO or the IOP requirements. However it could be the therapist has more insight on whats going on with your son’s daily activities, and thinks the mandatory meetings would help him. Whatever the case, I would have the family session. Therapist work with all sorts of family dynamics, and different personalities. If you have recovery beliefs that are contrary to what he is telling you, or if he is asking you to do things your uncomfortable with on a personal level; then just be honest about it, Im sure he will respect your choices.
Texting you almost seems to put an urgent tone on it... makes it all very curious to say the least.
Texting you almost seems to put an urgent tone on it... makes it all very curious to say the least.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
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Hey Eve, My daughter (over 18) just started intensive op therapy today. Also court ordered. She had intake interviews, medication reviews and private therapy sessions with myself and daughter. We never received a text report, only face to face conversations. I find this highly unprofessional on the therapists part. What if the text went to a wrong number or God forbid someone read the text who had no business reading it. I thought they had HIPPA laws in place to protect such personal information? For example; someone's STD results? I would be horrified if someone else got ahold of this info. Ask the therapist that you prefer a telephone report instead of a text. Hopefully he's not to busy to call you. Hugs! TF
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The family meeting sounds like a good idea. If you are uncomfortable with the therapist texting you, I'd let him know. It sounds like you decided to let your son move back in and decided to pay for his classes? Is your son fulfilling your conditions of living in your house?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by Eve13 
Your son needs to be attending NA and AA meetings every week honestly that should be a condition of him be able to live at the house you pay for his school.
thought those of you with more experience can maybe shed some light?
chances are that
there are very good reasons for his recommendation
he can't tell you much
that would be unprofessional
probably best to pay close attention to what he tries to tip you off to
sounds like the therapist is walking a very tight line here
most (will never say anything about their patient to anyone)
Mountainman
there are very good reasons for his recommendation
he can't tell you much
that would be unprofessional
probably best to pay close attention to what he tries to tip you off to
sounds like the therapist is walking a very tight line here
most (will never say anything about their patient to anyone)
Mountainman
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Originally Posted by bluebelle
The family meeting sounds like a good idea. If you are uncomfortable with the therapist texting you, I'd let him know. It sounds like you decided to let your son move back in and decided to pay for his classes? Is your son fulfilling your conditions of living in your house?
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Thank you friends - we will see what he has available for us to get together. I will follow up with AS and ask (again) if mandatory AA/NA is indeed court ordered. He has said not in the past, but do our addicts always tell the truth?
Mountainmanbob, I suspect you're correct.
Mountainmanbob, I suspect you're correct.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
You might be able to check his court records and the docket online to see if AA/NA was ordered. Also, his probation office would probably tell you if you called. Likely, your son has court documents that specify any requirements for probation as well. Generally I am not in favor of checking up, but that does not mean to stick your head in the sand. If he is being respectful, then he should be honest.
Regardless of whether AA/NA was recommended or mandated, it is apparent that the therapist wants him to go and thinks you should play a part in it. If the counseling is court-ordered, maybe the therapist needs to work with the court or probation officer if you want no part of getting your son to go to AA/NA.
You should definitely meet with the therapist and discuss what your boundaries are with regard to your son.
Regardless of whether AA/NA was recommended or mandated, it is apparent that the therapist wants him to go and thinks you should play a part in it. If the counseling is court-ordered, maybe the therapist needs to work with the court or probation officer if you want no part of getting your son to go to AA/NA.
You should definitely meet with the therapist and discuss what your boundaries are with regard to your son.
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