one year in

Old 08-19-2013, 09:48 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
one year in

For the past 10 years I've kept a journal. Some nights what I do is I go back and read where I was exactly 1 year ago. Sometimes I go back 2 years or maybe 5 depends on how I feel. It's a tool I've used to keep my memory vivid and track my progress through life.

So tonight I thumbed back to August 19, 2012 and was saddened, angered even. This was right around the time it was at it's worse. One of my many bottoms.

My Daughters were 4 years and 2 months old that night. Their Mother was back in her bottles on a daily basis while I sheepishly complained about it. The baby went to sleep early and I put our older daughter to bed while their mother drank wine on the porch with another woman who was our neighbor. Once I got our child to sleep I went out to the porch and found that mom and this neighbor were gone. I locked the doors then went to sleep on a makeshift bed of pillows on the floor of my daughters' room. Another night spent protecting them. I woke once at 2 and found mom and neighbor back on the porch smoking crack. Me, keeping peace asked them to go elsewhere and they did. I woke again at 5 and found my bathroom door locked. I knocked a couple times, smelled it, then snapped. Kicked the door off the hinge and found their mom busy with enough rock to last her 2 days. Despite breaking the door, I still wanted peace and told her to leave with her rock. She did, quietly and didn't come back until August 21. I let her sleep it off and then she went back to being Mom that night.

The typical cycle. As absurd as that situation is to read this was our life from 2010 through 2012, every week, rain, snow, sleet or hail it didn't matter. It happened. I wrote this that day as though it were normal. I reluctantly excused her behavior in order to keep the peace. This was the norm I allowed my children and me to endure for years.

So, reading this today pissed me off. Oh how I wish I could go back and smack myself upside the head. But taking the time to read through the following year brought me back to today and that's truly what matters.

The next week she went out again and I didn't let her back. The one thing that really drove me was the fact that I felt like sleeping in my own bed instead of on my child's floor. I simply had enough and let her go. Very hard to do but I did it. Called the police as she banged on the door. Ignored suicide threats while she lived on the street for a bit. Explained to her during a rehab visit that I took custody of the kids. 28 days later telling her on my doorstep to try the Y or her Aunt's house because she can't live with us anymore. It sucked but I did it.

She eventually settled with family and stuck with her program.

Right around Christmas it got odd again. Family gatherings, her clean and the kids happy caused us to reconcile. We had a week of romance and by New Years she was back under my roof. Looking back I reconciled with her in a bit of a fog. Mainly obligation. I felt obligated to give the Mother of my children an honest shot since she chose sobriety.

It worked for about a week. She was short with the children, not to mention the rent and once again I was taking care of an adult. Hints of infidelity and what not. I allowed this to continue until May of this year until I asked her to leave once again. One day in May we got into an argument about a plumbing issue in one of our bathrooms and the conversation debilitated into me asking her to move out. She agreed without hesitation, had an apartment by June and come July every last bit of her property was out.

We're done.

August 19 was much different this year. She has 2 days, and 1 over-night visitation with our daughters (the best I could do) but chose to forgo her time this week because she had errands to run. I spent my morning chasing the baby around the house and drawing in coloring books with my older one.

Aside from the few months where I relapsed, and allowed their mother into our home I've spent the past year only focused on my children and me.

We're healing.

No drugs. No drama. No more bullsh*t.
drc5426 is offline  
Old 08-20-2013, 06:15 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Your story illustrates the chaos we live in and accept as normal. But you had the courage to change it....and there's no doubt....it took a great deal of courage.

Keep taking care of you and those girls.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 08-20-2013, 09:46 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: somerset
Posts: 51
Thank you for sharing x you sound like a great parent today my house was covered in glitter and one happy child it was a good day
heatherp78 is offline  
Old 08-20-2013, 06:15 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Good for you!!!!
story74 is offline  
Old 08-20-2013, 09:11 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
Courage and support.

ALOT of support.

Initially I wanted to do it all on my own. I remember googling ways to "addict proof" my home and coming up with ultimatums and rules for her impending return which was how I eventually stumbled upon this forum. Imagine the relief I felt when I read through every sticky and found that I simply did not have to do these things.

The first thing I was told here was that some day soon I would have to evaluate my life and determine if this was how I wanted to live. I took this suggestion very seriously and began looking towards myself for answers. For the past year I've been reading here on a daily basis.

Nar Anon got me further. Joining the rooms felt a bit odd at first. Everyone there was 20-30 years my senior (I'm still in my 20's) and it was kind of intimidating. Despite this I opened up. Cried in the beginning. Now I join each meeting, cheerful but still serious about the matters being discussed and most times leave feeling very upbeat, joking and laughing with these men and women I now consider dear friends.

My family has always been there. When things got heavy they would step between her and I. They saw the sickness going on and now I realize they were mostly fed up with it. This past year, after a lot of introspection I've come to realize that my parents provided my brothers and me with an awesome childhood and came to an almost sickening realization that I wasn't doing this for my own children. This is the one thing that has really driven me to change.

I stopped making excuses for other people's unacceptable behavior and detached. I started living in reality again. I snapped out of denial and became truthful to others but most importantly to myself.

It feels great.
drc5426 is offline  
Old 08-21-2013, 04:07 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Like Kindeyes, I related the part of your story where this had become your "normal". Although my son is the addict in my life, crack was his drug too (until he progressed to even worse) and I know the desperation of an addict with crack.

Your daughter can be grateful that you didn't stay in this toxic relationship. It's sad for her to lose a mother but a peaceful home with one parent will always be better than a home with 2 parents when one is an active addict.

May your days ahead be filled with peace and joy and new dreams and one day soon, wonderful new beginnings.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 08-21-2013, 09:09 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
interrupted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by Ann View Post
It's sad for her to lose a mother but a peaceful home with one parent will always be better than a home with 2 parents when one is an active addict.
Amen! I feel like this can never be said enough. As our "normal" gets twisted into the bizarrely unstable I feel like it's very easy to minimize the impact that an active addict is having on the little ones. My parents to this day will insist that I was never impacted by their drinking/drugging, and that they successfully hid all of the chaos from me. And we were homeless at one point! The lies we tell ourselves really are the biggest lies of all.

Drc5426, reading through this thread is so touching. As the daughter of active addicts/alcoholics I want to commend you for having the strength to move forward in creating a happy, healthy home for you and your kids. My heart is warmed by all that you have overcome, your recovery is really shining right now.
interrupted is offline  
Old 08-21-2013, 10:25 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Work in Progress
 
DecBaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
That was so nice to read how things are going better today.
DecBaby is offline  
Old 08-21-2013, 04:36 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 40
It is nice how your life changed for the better in one year, just by taking the difficult decisions and choosing for a better life for you and your daughters. Like interrupted I also grew up in a house with an active addict and it isn't the way anybody should grow up.

My best wishes to you and your daughters, you are in a good path for a good and happy life. Hugs!
Valentina14 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:42 AM.