sweetiebelle

Hello I am new to this forum. I've been reading for a couple weeks and coming to grips with my situation. I'm somewhat confused but my biggest thing is I'm so tired of the lies.

So the story is I've been dating bf since 2009. For the first year I knew nothing about his suboxone use. then I noticed things weren't adding up. I snooped thru his phone and called a couple numbers. I thought he was cheating on me but that's when he finally told me his story. He was a heroine addict who was taking Suboxone for his recovery. What a huge shocker. He was lying to me for an entire year??
His story back then was he was taking suboxone to get off heroine. Thought he'd get off without me ever knowing, etc. Aside from the lies, I didn't like that he was getting suboxone from his friend and NOt a doctor. He said it was too expensive,etc. We fought about it and since I just couldn't live with some getting suboxone from his friend or on the streets we broke up.

We lived apart for a while but kept in touch. I was still hoping he'd quit sub and we could reunite. One day, my car busted a tire and I needed help. He showed up and put on the spare, etc. and helped me get the car working again. He really came thru for me at a moments call. I asked him if he was still using subs, and he said no. He lost visitation of his kids when a judge found out, and that was the moment he quit. I believed him for a short time. But I began getting suspicious. This time I bought a drug test and right up until he peed in the cup, he swore, he wasn't on it. Guess he didn't think it would show up. Well, it did. We broke up again. That was around 2011.

Now his story is that suboxone is nothing like being a heroine addict. He lives a mostly normal life. Goes to work. Doesn't steal, etc. but from my point of view. It was the same. Covering it up. Needing to get it. Lying to me. See a doctor, I told him.

Fast forward... It's 2013, and he finally saw a doctor and can get the script for free from his insurance. So, why doesn't it feel like everything is better?

Now my biggest worry is that he will sell the subs. The "friend" he was buying it from wants to now buy it from him. The dealer, he used to buy from, has offered cash to buy some from him. Am I just paranoid and crazy. Or is this a big problem too.

At the moment, I am counting the subs everyday. He shows me what he takes and what he has on him. I just feel like he's giving/selling one here or there to "help out his friend." What makes me suspicious is that he gets angry at me for asking him questions about it.

Any insight or help is welcome. I'm so tired of the lies and feeling like I can't trust him ever again. HELP!!! I feel like I'm am screaming inside.

sweetiebelle.

trixie56

So, are you back together with him again, or just communicating? I'm sure he has good qualities, but it seems like 3 years is a long time to put up with someone who lies to you, takes advantage of your trust, etc. Think about what he has shown you so far regarding his mental/emotional health at this point...Is this someone, as is he now, who you can see yourself in a relationship with, navigating through life together?

It's been a struggle for me to accept that my XABF is not only someone who, at one point, made me feel incredibly special, but he is also someone who began to resent me, take advantage of me, and eventually discard me as he vanished from all contact with me out of the blue. It's confusing, it's hurtful, but all I can do is accept him for who he has shown me he truly is...He's someone who puts alcohol before me and what we had together, without any second thought. And to me, that is unacceptable.

Think about what is acceptable treatment, and what is not. Don't you deserve someone you can trust? Someone who is 'available' to you?

incitingsilence

When someone writes they feel like they can’t ever trust again, then I wonder why are even involved to begin with. If you can’t trust him again, then why are you there now?

This is his ride, not yours. If he chooses to sell his sub then he does. You can’t control his action or choices and aren’t suppose to. Behavior will tell the tale, if he is going to work, not broke all the time, meeting his responsibilities then why can't you just let him continue to figure out the rest as it comes. He is capable of learning within it all.

Have you ever thought to work on you to find out why you are as you are? It isn’t healthy to count someone’s pills, it isn’t healthy to tell him how you think he should live. You have your own life to be responsible for. Do you want to spend the rest of your life always wondering where the truth is, where the lies are? Oh and his lies aren’t really your problem it will be the ones you tell yourself that will take you down.

Leahmarie9

He gets angry because he is lying to you. Heroin is horrible suboxne isn't as great. It's always 1 or the other. My fiancé was prescribed subs and chose to sell every last 1 of them for 200$ and brought home 15 bags of heroin.
I've experimented on different ways if reacting to his behavior and the 1 that got the best reaction that seemed genuine to me was the day I stopped checking up on him. Stopped checking his pockets, burning into the bathroom, listening to his voicemails following him to corners. It FREAKED him out. It made him finally feel sorry for it and made him think why isn't she caring why isn't she checking up on me? Then he started to actually come to me and say I'm going to the corner store to pick up ciggs be back in a few and I said ok and his reaction was that's it you're not going to ask who I'm meeting what I'm buying/dealing? I said nope because I don't care. His jaw dropped and he confessed "ok I'm going to meet my boy so I can get a few bags then to CVS for a few butterfly needles and I'm gonna come back but ill do it in the garage" my reply was that's great I'm going home and ill talk to you tomorrow. Once I stopped caring and he started to see he was losing me he finally asked what can I do to make you care again. GO TO REHAB. He's there now I just hope it works this time and he'll be on methadone.
I hope you and him can work out!

cleaninLI

Hi sweetbelle,

I can understand your concern, especially, since he has lied to you in the past. He did not reveal his addiction to you for the first year you were together. He was probably afraid of how you would react to that information. By the looks of it, he was right that you have judged him negatively and continue to make his "addiction" an issue in your relationship. This is sad for the both of you.

I just want you to know that suboxone is nothing like being an addict in active addiction. It is a maintenance medication used to help curb cravings so that your rabf does not return to the life of being a Herion addict. I am a RA and am currently on suboxone. I think the fact that he is being prescribed sub from a Dr. tells me that he does not want to live his life using Herion.

It was wrong and illegal to buy it from his friend. So, i do understand that it upset you that he was not getting it from a doctor. He is correct though, that it is very expensive, especially if you have no insurance. He is now seeing a Dr., so that is not an issue anymore.

If you force him to give it up, you are actually making it that much easier for him to return to the life of using Herion. Some people need that to keep them stable in recovery. Think about it like a diabetic who needs insulin to keep their sugars level. Once you force him to stop taking it, you are opening the door and welcoming the "beast" of active addiction in.

If you cannot accept a relationship with a person who is "sick" with this life long disease called addiction, then you should end your relationship. It is not fair to you or your boyfriend to continue making him feel guilty for taking something that he needs to live a stable life. His addiction isn't going away if he stops taking suboxone. It could actually become worse. There is no cure for addiction.

Checking and counting his medication is not really a healthy way to live your life. It really is his business what he does with is medication. I am in no way saying that selling his suboxone is a good thing. He probably feels a loyalty towards his friend to return a favor, since his friend did the same for him.

I think trust is the issue here and you should stop backing him into a corner forcing him to defend himself and his addiction. Sooner or later, he will begin to resent you and your behavior. That would be a definite detriment to your relationship.

mich0020

I can relate to ur feeling. Its almost like ur going crazy. I feel like I need to make a mental picture of all my belongings in my home bc my boyfriend of 4 yrs is a herion addict. Its doesn't feel like things r right bc he hasnt earned ur trust back yet and bc he is still involved w those same people. My story is almost the same. I have found that it helpd to jus be like either its them or me n kick him out no contact he will realize what he lost. If ur that important he will drop those peoole n do whatever it takes to prove to u that u can trust him again but until then ull always b screamin on the inside.

sweetiebelle

Thanks everyone. It really helps to be able to talk about it.

My main concern right now is whether he's selling the subs.

I'm very relieved that he's finally seeing a doctor. That he isn't calling friends and dealers looking for subs on the street.

In his PAST he was also dealer and went to jail for 16months. Perhaps that experience was enough for him not to go back to that ... But that doesn't change the fact that he lies to me.

So perhaps thing will get better now that he's seeing a doctor.

Again thanks for the replies.

Sweetiebelle

bluebelle

I can see why you would be concerned--especially since he was a dealer in the past. However, you can't control his behavior. If he wants to use or deal drugs, he will find a way. When my bf started Subs, I counted them. I found that my behavior just stressed myself out. It didn't do anything for our relationship or for my boyfriend.

Did you come from a family with addiction? I grew up with an addicted/drug dealer mother, and I used to check up on her, too. She used to hide her drugs from me. It didn't stop her from using/dealing, either.

When it comes to drug addicts, remember the 3 C's: we didn't cause their addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

incitingsilence

What he is doing with the sub, shouldn’t be a concern at all. I don’t even know why it would be, it makes no sense, as it isn‘t yours.

Shouldn’t it be how you will take care of you? What do you want and need from this life?

Also I got a question you said you drug tested him and it showed up…That one is perplexing, did you buy a test that just tested for buprenorphine?


My husband used sub. I do credit it for giving him a chance at finding life again, as does he. It removed a lot of the initial hell of the kick and the paws so that when he finally got off of it years later he was much more equipped to handle his triggers, the pain issues, and his own sick thinking…Did he do it the so called right way, hell no. He had to learn as he went and he did and finally got serious and went from there. Not for anything, but hello heroin addict. It does tend to make sense.

I am a huge proponent of this drug. I also find it very fascinating.

I also know many who used it by getting it off the street, for some it worked and they moved on to find other ways of help, for others it didn’t and they had to find another way or went back to using. Surely how ready one is plays into that … I know many who have diverted it, sold it to friends, gave it to them. I think it is a codie thing in some respects, because when you know another is gonna have to kick you can become a bit compelled to help … But I really don’t much care about the assignments to me the most important part is what is learned but doing it your own way. If you are allowed the lesson and no one is hanging around enabling and fixing, saving you … then you got a much better shot of learning what you need to, to save your own ass.

sweetiebelle

Thanks for the positive feedback of this drug. That helps because not knowing much about it, I lumped it together with crack or heroin.

I think if in the beginning he was honest and open about his "recovery" that would have made a big difference. Rather he hid it from me. Then when it came out, he was secretive about his "recovery". Giving me the feeling he wasn't in recovery but looking for another pill or quick fix.

I think I have learned over the last few years that suboxone isn't like heroine in that he has a job. But in the beginning of our relationship, he did not. In fact, he lost a job for testing positive for sub. Mainly because unless you got it from a doctor, it is still illegal. And the LIEs! That makes suboxone feel as bad as any drug if he's going to lie about it.

We broke up over the lies!!! Not the suboxone. Since he got his new job and covered under insurance, I've been waiting for the day this will all be legal. But I was thrown for another loop hearing he had planned to sell it to his friend(s). That is also illegal. And may I remind, he lost visitation with his kids because of this drug. I guess that is also not a factor if everything is on the table, legal, and honest. If it helps him stay clean. If it helps him live a normal life, that's great. I just don't like being lied to about it.

And now the idea of him selling? But he says he will not. Time will tell. I don't want illegal activity around my children. I don't want that crowd in my life. I want a normal life.

I know rebuilding trust won't be easy. It requires transparency. Perhaps, if he's in recovery he should go to meetings. I've been to codependency meetings myself. Maybe I'll start going again.

When I've suggested couples therapy. He is opposed. He doesn't want anyone telling him what yo do etc. Thats a red flag to me.

I'm not saying I have the answers. I have a zillion questions, which is why I am here. And I thank everyone who has shared their experience with me.

incitingsilence

You have to understand that I am not the type of person to make assignments. Sub is what it is. I can’t justify making it evil, or a saving grace in whole, because it will be always what the user makes of it. He will use it wisely and it can help him on his way or screw it all up and then it becomes just another drug…time always shows the truth. Just like his behavior always will.

I think it is a good idea for you to get some help, meetings might be a good choice. You won’t be able to make him go, he will have to be willing to do anything, try anything for his best chance.

In reading … I have been a bit out of the loop in terms of drug testing and sub...for work they don't look for it. I guess they could add it on, but no one I know every failed a drug test on it. They can add it in for Drug court I am hearing but usually the courts aren’t looking for it either. They have it in sub doctors offices because they use it to make sure you have it in your system and they also do regular drug tests as well to make sure you aren’t using on top … But something is wrong that is why I asked you about the drug test you gave him, because it doesn’t make sense you testing him and him failing for sub unless you specifically used a drug test that will pick the buprenorphine/suboxone up.

Maybe more lies, but then an addict will protect their addiction at all costs. It isn’t personal, it is just part of the dynamics of addiction.

Not to point out the obvious but I will.
He lost custody of his own children, that might really be something you need to pay attention to.
Along with your feelings. Have you thought to find what you want and need … and then see where he might fit into it all?

Red flags…

I don’t see him not wanting anyone to tell him what to do one.
I may see him associating with those who are not good for anyone trying to find recovery as a red flag…
The lies, the kids lost, the secrecy about his recovery…

Personally I am totally against couples therapy this early on. I think the chance for the relationship is in each side working on themselves, finding themselves again and their why’s and processing out the past, the pain, the trust issues and lies and then moving from there if the relationship is worth moving on with or away from. And frankly I don‘t know how two sick people work out madness when they have lost a sense of self. Addiction takes one‘s sense of self and distorts it, watching does the same.

Take good care of you.

sweetiebelle

Quick answer on the drug testing. Yes, I bought a 14 panel home drug test. Sub showed up clear as day. There's a website that sells them for less than $10. Wanted to be sure he wasnt taking anything else. Then I bought a few Sub only tests for about $2 a piece. Seemed like a small price for peace of mind. That was back when he said he would get off the subs. Almost a year ago.

Granted he tried. But the withdrawals were too bad. So I thought he was going to see a doctor to taper off the subs.

Hey, however he wants to handle his recovery is his business. I just wanted the truth so I know what I'm dealing with... If he needs them to stay off heroin, that's fine. But I'd like him to stay away from dealers or his old crowd.

Apparently courts and jobs use the 14 panel tests. He didn't think they'd show up either but they did. And since he didn't have a prescription, he was fired from his job (also over a year ago). His new job isn't drug testing.

He gets visitation of his kids when they come to my house. But that is mainly because I'm vouching for him. So in essence, I feel I do have a say because I'm vouching for him. I've given him the option to leave. Almost like an ultimatum. He says he has chosen me, so we shall see. But from what I've read, addicts don't leave. They enjoy taking advantage. Maybe that isn't what's going on because he is staying off heroin. That is good. And to my knowledge, suboxone has kept him off it for four years or so..

BlueChair

I was going to reply to you, but I dont know how I would feel if I was in your place right now. A lot happened in the past with lying to you, but seems like the truth has been out a while now, and he is getting the sub medication from a doctor now. He has been off heroin for four years and sounds like he is living a normal sort of life with work and all that. Not sure what is going on with his kids, probably he would have to go to court to try to get something changed, but if he is under a doctors supervision then you think the court would look at how he has changed his life for the better. I think if what he is doing is working then he needs to keep doing it. Does sound a lot like trust issues, but does he really make you doubt him now, or is it only fear inside you? Im going to have trust issues when my husband comes home from rehab, and I keep asking myself how will I deal with it, because I know I also have to put trust in him or I know our relationship will suffer. I dont have the answer only the question too.

incitingsilence

Learn something new every day. I know someone who just did pre-employment testing on sub, didn’t show at all. My husband never failed either the whole time on it and he was drug tested a lot then…hmmm things must be a changing out there.

Sub only tests 2 bucks, not sure how I feel about that one, it kinda icks me out. But then I don’t think drug testing is healthy in a home setting. I did it once to my son, will never go there again. I didn’t need the test to show he was high…hell his car had us blocked in and when I went to move it there were drug bags in it….seriously that was the proof but you get sucked in with them swearing they didn’t, instead of just believing the truth in front of my face…Lesson learned.

Time will still tell the truth. In time it will be easier to see what is up if you can focus on you and not him. This is a twisted ride, I know been there done that.

allforcnm

Hi sweetiebelle,

I think CleaninLI gave a great breakdown of sub use as I understand it. My husband had an addiction to opiate based pain meds; he did not use subs. I have read a lot about them here on the forum however. I just wanted to say that I think it is very impressive that you stood by your value system when he was buying subs off the street and you were uncomfortable with the situation. I have read quite a few stories on the substance abuse forum where people have bought them off the street, or from friends and their intent was really to use them to get clean; maybe no insurance, or fear of going to the doctor... ?

I don't know how comfortable your boyfriend would be, something you would have to discuss with him of course; but maybe at some point it would help ease your worries if you could accompany him to one of his appointments and the doctor could explain the use of subs.

My husband has been clean for 16 months now. We had a lot of past issues to get through, trust to be reestablished. It takes time, watching actions along with words. We did do marriage counseling, his rehab had us start when he was about 6 weeks in. It was very beneficial for us, and helped speed up the healing process. Has to be something you both want and are ready for though as it takes big effort on both sides.