Leahmarie9

We met in February it's only been about 7 months we've been together and I fell in love right away. 3 months into it all I figured something wasn't right and he played it off as no biggie just some Xanax. Then I started to see it all lead to heroin NOT just that but tons of Xanax everyday, crack, weed, meth! All secrets all the time always lying to my face. I practically used the bathroom with him every day we spent together. Flushed billions of needles poured tons of poop water heroin mixes down the drain. Everyday got worse until I got used to it and said whatever he'll never change and joined in. I snorted a few times the heroin. Smoked the crack a couple times ( I don't have that addictive personality trait and had to go back home to reality while he lived his rock bottom. I have a job that means alot and family as well so going back home after 4 day weekends together I had no way of continuing to get high like he did) so finally his family got involved (his brother has been on methadone for 9 years clean of heroin) he went to a 2 week detox. 1st week was blackout no contact. 2nd week was 1 phone call a day 10 minutes max. I ignored a few until I missed him so badly I have in. He came home after the 2 weeks and continued an out patient type of thing at some quack doctor who continued to prescribe kolonopins 3 a DAY AND suboxne. Complete BS because he just sold everything to get his precious heroin! I would get so angry with him and scream til finally I became background noise. Now he's been in a new rehab he went in on July 29th and because of state funding (no insurance OF COURSE) he will be out either Monday the 19th or the 1st week of September. At 1st it was easy I was so sick of babysitting and crying and knew I deserved better but just the love (or some sick obsession with healing people I have) overcame and I've been working on myself eating right sleeping well exercising tons going out with my girlfriend and answering some of his phone calls and returning letters of support. But today the letter I received was different and everything consumed me and made me step back and think did he ask me to marry him to hold on to me longer, has he been apologizing because he's afraid ill give up, does he mean it this time. Basically questions only time will answer but I have hope. I want anyone's opinions weather they be harsh or not a little but of hope is all I need I'm extremely afraid and also 22 I know I'm wasting time I know I deserve better but when he's sober things are perfect no arguments no lies no BS just love fun and happiness. So sorry to have rambled anymore information can be given. I just needed an unbiased ear considering everyone around me is ashamed sad for me or bad mouthing the entire situation. Only people that I haven't told our situation are the 1s happy for me that I'm in love and engaged. People that know if his addiction are upset, angry, disbelief I'm in love with an addict, or wishing me good luck. I guess I'm looking to prove them wrong but I know HE can only do that.
Again thanks for even reading!

meadowsis

From the sound of it, he has never been sober in your relationship at all (outside of some fleeting moments while in detox and such). So you have never TRULY dated this guy sober. So technically you don't know who he is other then as an addict. Correct?

So would you marry someone you have only really known for a few weeks, because that is essentially what you are saying?!

Frankly, you both need to focus on your recoveries. You need to get healthy, he needs to work his own recovery, and there should be NO engagements, marriages, etc during this time. Neither of you are in a place to make those decisions. He has only been clean now again for 2 weeks.

You are young, you are not married, no kids, back away while you can. If for some reason he can find his sobriety, work on himself, and you two can come together both in a healthier place and it works....great. But in the meantime, get some help for yourself and break this cycle before it starts to consume all your relationships.

DecBaby

And how often has he been sober?
Do you even know?

Addicts get their way. He wants you around so he pulled the marry me card and it's working.

I wish for you it is different. Probably not. This has manipulation written all over it. And you're buying it.

Leahmarie9

I've know him for 3 years and 7 months because I was very close to his brother. During those 3 years he was sober. Drug tested everyday for his job then went to jail for things I can't really talk about but got out of jail felt like a failure and went right back to heroin now after 3 years of being friends I've added 7 months of being his "fiancé" it's been complete hell he's been sober for 19 days in rehab I get a phone call for 10 mins every other day I've ignored most up until I've finally started to miss him and realize I really do love him. It sucks when you have to tell someone "he's amazing except, he does heroin sometimes." He's getting out of rehab on Monday and already wants me to come visit him for the weekend. I'm extremely tempted to say f*** no work on being sober outside of rehab for a month at least. I can't go anywhere around him without wanting to frisk him check his arms search his bedroom time his bathroom breaks or check who he's meeting on the corner. I'm fed up but so very much hope that this time is the charm. How do you live with those thoughts pounding in your head and heart EVERYDAY? Better yet lets say he does relapse (I've promised myself I'd say goodbye number changed all pics deleted letters burned social media deactivated canceled basically MIA from him) how do I heal my heart and get over all that time wasted!?

incitingsilence

You know, it isn't normal to just use with. It isn't healthy either. If you jump back in and he isn't done ... where does that leave you, especially if after this little time you marry him. How much sicker will you get? When will the frustration take over, your spirit beaten down to the point where you start using again. This is where my main concern is. You don't get many chances to walk away. Heroin isn't a game, and neither is crack...

Are you willing to test fate again? Or might it be better to cut your losses and save yourself?

You gotta understand that you don't even know him, hell how could you.

Take good care of yourself and stay safe.

Valentina14

You are saying it yourself, better give it a little time until he has been clean longer and meanwhile you think about what YOU want in life. If you really want that paranoia at all times (believe me, I've been there), all the possibilities if he relapses, how life really is with an addict if he doesn't manage to recover.

I know it will sound cliché and maybe you won't believe it, but if things with him don't work there is still life and there are possiblities of you to keep living it.

Leahmarie9

The reason why I haven't used again is beause he lives in philadelphia and I in delaware long distance i dont have that type of lifestyle he lives where i come from i also dont want it for myself. i got so sick when i did it i puked all night and keot falling asleep and thought to myself HOW is this enjoyable? The crack I can't lie it was an amazing feeling the 1st time the 2nd time it was nothing but being depressed and I went home the next day back to my normal life away from him
and I only snorted heroin about 3 times within a 2 day period. I'm not justifying what I did was right in anyway! I just got off the phone with him and explained I'm very happy for you that you're coming home this Monday but I want you to take these next few weeks to get back to work join a gym possibly try to mend ties with old positive friends and enjoy the end of the summer I'll still be here to talk and text here and there but I'm doing so well focusing on my schooling for cosmetology and nursing and I don't want to get off track again. He seemed slightly sad but glad I was doing well and apologized asking to see me so soon. That's a good start I think but our time away is helping me heal I just wish I could forget the lies!

Leahmarie9

Thank you so much it's always more clear to read and hear from a stranger than a friend or family member. Just wish I knew how to explain to him how I feel without any harm to his recovering process.

Valentina14

I know from experience that sometimes it's easier to really understand some things when some stranger tells you. It is normal you are scared that somehow you could affect his recovery, but try to talk to him in a calm way. Explain to him that maybe it isn't a good idea to jump right away into the relationship again, that so little time has passed of his recovery and that he should take things easy too. And of course, I recommend you to explain to him that you are also trying to find your way in life and that you need time, there is nothing selfish about it.

Leahmarie9

You're absolutely right! I wish I knew about this site sooner! So many wonderful supportive people. I was going to explode if I didn't discuss the truth with someone soon!

Valentina14

Oh, tell me about it! I discovered the site almost two years too late. I've been reading it for some time and I decided to talk and share my stories. It has been nice and it is good to get opinions of other people that know what it is to live certain situations and give you a different perspective.

DJ0822

[ to explain to him how I feel without any harm to his recovering process.[/QUOTE]

Nothing you say, think, do, hope for, fantasize about, will affect his recovery. That's 100% his to own. He needs to do the work on himself. It does not depend on your actions.

22 is so young, so full of opportunities. Go out there and experience them.

Just my opinion.

jerect

Please don't marry this man!!

Walk away before your life turns into a nightmare of proportions so great that what your going through right now will seem like a walk in the park..

Your already experimenting with drugs with him.. You may not have gotten addicted to it the first few times but if you continue you are going to he hooked just like he is.. There are so many stories on here where people became addicts because they started using with their partners..

Your young and you have the world by the tail right now... Please please please walk away from this situation

Vale

Your spirit deserves better. Much,much better.

Listen to jerect.

Please do not say yes to the nightmare. Trust me when I say it WILL NOT let you go.
I hope that scares the crap out of you.

(.............it SHOULD!)

Leahmarie9

I got a phone call today from him and I explained i didn't want to visit him this following weekend because I have work and class. Then I said that I've been doing really well while he's been away these past 21 days and I've gotten myself back on track and I want you to continue doing the right things when's you get home, continue your meetings go to the clinic EVERYDAY get a new number ignore the old bad friends! He then said do you still love me are we going on a break do you still want to be engaged? I said I still love you very much but I can't put my success on hold to make sure you stay on track this is your life and you can live it anyway you want I hope you do the right things but I'd rather you be sober for a little while longer before we started spending the weekends together again. And all he could keep going on about was how last week I wanted to take off work Wednesday to go visit with him for 6 hrs at the rehab and now I don't want to come spend the weekend with him when he gets home this Monday and if I want to walk away he understands. So I thought to myself there's that manipulation everyone talks about he had me so consumed with his well being and missing him that I wanted to CALL OFF work to go visit? So I explained I've thought about it and I'm not putting you before myself anymore you've chosen to do this you've chosen to go to rehab and now you're coming home and wether you chose to stay clean and go to meetings and get back to work and take your methadone religiously has nothing to do with me or who I am. And he said I understand and I said I love you I do miss you and I will come visit you when I FEEL that I AM ready on my terms because I'm just as important in life as you are. AND IT FELT AMAZING to say all of that to him. It was like looking a demon in the eyes and tell them to kiss my ass! Thank you all for the advice I hope that someday it can work but for now I'm enjoying work schooling family and friends and I'm finally Leah again!

Leahmarie9

I don't even think about doing any drugs EVER again watching him go through everything! It actually pisses me off these days when I find out someone I know or knew is popping pills or shooting up. Where I live nearly every other person I went to highschool with is strung out. I'm not being hypocritical but I learned my lesson within a few days and of course me being me learned it the hard way. Drugs are fun for 45 mins then you have no money for groceries all week or play money to go out with friends because you blew it on a bundle with your boyfriend so you could try to empathize with him. It's sorta like when one of my exes was obsessed with gothic girls so I went gothic for him and I was miserable. This is just more intense of trying to be different. You'd think I learned the 1st time to be myself and not change for anyone.

Valentina14

It is great that you could stand your position and avoid the manipulation. Right now his recovery lies in his hands only like it should be and your life is in your hands and you are doing it right when you put yourself first. I wish you all the strenght to continue being yourself and looking for your own happiness, it is possible!