courtneykay

I was in love with an addict. So in love, that I would do anything for him. Even if that meant sacrificing my own needs and wants to take care of him.

I was a codependent. I AM a codependent.

He went in and out of two rehab outpatient programs. Neither were successful, but I stood by his side.

I got tired of everything. Of the cussing and yelling, of the constant arguing, of the feeling of inferiority I got every time around him. I craved his attention, I craved his affection and approval. All I wanted was to be wanted by him. But I got tired of that. I got tired of feeling like I was never good enough. I got tired of putting EVERYTHING I have into the relationship and getting nothing in return.

We ended the relationship. It was heartbreaking at the beginning, but slowly but surely I thought I found myself getting over him. It was easier for me because I knew that he was still out partying and doing drugs and going nowhere in life. I felt OK because I knew I was doing better than he was. As selfish as that is, as horrible as that sounds. That is part of the reason I was able to get over the heartbreak, because I knew I was going to be doing so much better than he was.

Then he went back to rehab. He is in an inpatient program now in Phoenix. I am so proud of him...he always wanted to get sober but was never successful. I pray that this will help him, that it will change him.

But here I am, strangely jealous. This is the codependent in me speaking of course, I wish I could be part of his recovery. Why??? Why can't I just be happy knowing that he is finally getting help? Why do I feel like I need to be a part of this all?

Why can't I just focus on myself? Why is he always in the back of my mind?

It hurts. I feel so weak.

I've been focusing on me, well kind of. I've been exercising, I've been eating clean, I've been meditating, on paper it all looks great. And I mean I have been feeling great too.

It's just the past few days that have gotten harder for me. I found out he was leaving for rehab on Sunday. So it's been a little less than a week since I have been able to contact him. I don't know when I will be able to speak to him again, or see him again. It will be at least a month, probably longer. What if I never get to see him again?

My heart wants him. It's like I have forgotten about all of the horrible things he did to me in this relationship. It's like I have forgotten how depressed and worthless I felt with him. All I can think of is the good memories, the love that we shared. I think of how he was when he first came out of rehab, he was so nice, so positive, so happy and loving. I know he is going to be that way when he gets back from rehab again. And I find myself wanting him. I want that version of him.

Why can't I remember him as the mean, coldhearted, addict that he was?

I need a wake up call, I need a slap in the face. I need SOMETHING. I don't know how to snap out of it.

Am I completely naive for thinking I could possibly have a future with him? That we can work things out when he gets back? I don't want to spend my entire life waiting for him..yet here I am convincing myself it's a good thing.

Someone, anyone, please slap some sense into me.

crazycoda

He used you like every addict uses people for their draining addiction. You were a tool to him whilst he sucked everything he needed out of you. His choice, his love was drugs. He was nice to build the bond & to lead you into a false sense of security. He was overly nice to you because you were his source, almost as nice as he would be to his dealer especially if you was dishing out the money. The good thing about this is that he didnt treat you like this because you were a unloveable person, its ALL because of his drug addiction.

Yes as co dependents we feel crap when we think that we may be left lurking behind with all that pain & the addict is recovering. We felt that pain whilst they felt the pleasures of being high .... Unfair right? We dont pop pills or take a hit to dull our pain, we endure it & allow it to wreck our healthy emotional balance. We suffer more because when we wake up from our co dependent dream we see how we have let our lovely souls be twisted by the dark side of people addiction ... Drug addicts.

It was 3 weeks ago that i woke up .... You are so much further than me, hold on & surround yourself with friends & family. Go to Coda and live your life to the full. Love your soul & pray to god. Xxxx

OneNightAWeek

It sounds like you were involved with your ex for a while there during highs and lows, and the lows were bad and your self esteem took a big hit. Let me guess you stood between him and his addiction, and he made demands you gave into when he was high and out of his mind. Its SO GOOD you got sick of living with those bad feelings about yourself, because we are all special and deserve to be treated that way. Probably like an addict you are being triggered right now because your remembering he was a new person when he was doing the outpatient, healthier, happier. Hes doing treatment now so it reminds you of all that and the good times. Hopefully he will get better, but based on what you have said I wouldnt trust it for a while. This isnt his first rodeo as Dr Phil says. This time sounds different, but when he gets home is when all he learned is put to the test. You wont know for many months probably how this will all go with him. But right now you are free and it sounds like you need to spend time thinking about your life, and what makes you codependent. I know I have always wanted an equal, respectful partnership in my relationships. Im not one to talk right now, my husband has been using drugs for months now, and I was letting his drugged up self change me too. I think I put the breaks on that now, but it really makes you think, who am I? What do I stand for? What do I want? What do I deserve in my life? Maybe while he is working on getting better, you can work on finding the answers you need, and I do believe in fate. If it is meant to be between you, then I think you will find your way back together.

courtneykay

Thank you for this post. It really did help "smack some sense into me." I am realizing that none of this is MY fault, it is the addiction, not me. It is hard though. The rehab program he is in, he was in once before, but he didn't agree with their beliefs. They were very anti significant others. Which you know what, I am ALL for that while you are seeking recovery. You should focus on yourself and no one else while you are recovering. But it wasn't just that..they were beginning to convince him that I was the problem. That I am the psycho here with a ton of issues. I'll be the first to admit that I am crazy, heck, everyone is.

It's hard when you spend all your time caring for and loving someone. And then that person becomes convinced that you are the problem, it is all your fault, etc.

When he got back from that rehab program, ANY time we would get in an argument he would coldly call me a codependent. I could call him on the phone one time and he would say "stop being so (insert cuss words) codependent (insert more cuss words)"

This is what I am scared of happening again.

I know what I should do: END IT ENTIRELY. Free myself of this relationship for good. But here I am, still worrying about if he will still love me when he gets out of rehab....

Oh and I found out it is 45 days long. That will be a lot for me.



Thank you so much for your feedback. I think you are right, this is a "trigger" for me. I was doing so well and feeling better until he left for rehab again. I am remembering all the emotions that came with it the first time he left, and that's why I am feeling this way. But I need to remind myself, the circumstances are different. The first time he left, we were in a relationship. The second time, we are not.

I am definitely going to keep striving towards total independence and self love. I will be without him for at least 45 days. Hopefully that will be enough time for me to slowly but surely get over him. And as you said, if it is meant to be, we will end up together. But I can't spend all our time apart envisioning our future together and how great things will be when he is out...

Because there is no promise of anything. Not anymore.

Thank you both.

Hugs
Courtney