How can I be supportive of my addicted husband?
 

Im looking for advice on how to be supportive and help my husband while he is trying to quit a percocet & oxy addiction.

Im having such a hard time dealing with this...not knowing how i can help him...feeling so helpless and at times upset and angry.

Please give me some positive tips on how to help him get through this.

LL, I am very sorry that you are going through all this. I assume your husband is attending NA or some kind of day treatment or rehab. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself. You should read up on enabling and avoid that. Detach yourself emotionally. I uploaded an article some time ago which has helped me. Perhaps you can read it and see if and see if it can be useful

So first the idea of helping, has the total opposite effect in terms of addiction.

If you want to help him, then help yourself. Find support for you, work on you because the dynamics of addiction makes everyone sick, get educated and keep your focus on you.

You can not save him. You can not love him well.

Understand the addiction is not a good enough excuse for bad behavior.

DO NOT ENABLE!
Meaning no making excuses for him, no covering up for him, no fixing his mistakes, or taking them on as your responsibility, no doing anything for him that he is capable of doing himself. You are not his keeper, his jailer, his moral compass. You are going to have to let him find his way and run it out his way.

Snooping doesn’t help, begging, bargaining and pleading won’t work either.

Accept that he is an addict and YOU have no control over that.
Get yourself some strong boundaries yet understand that none of them are about him, but how you wish to live. Your boundaries are not to be set with a thought in mind that they will make and or keep him clean.

Know that you are only a victim once. Now that you know he is an addict, he can’t be the blame for any turns for the worse your life takes if you hang around playing the game with him.

Let go, have faith, pray lots...

Take good care of you!

Hi LolaLane. Welcome to SR :)

Just sent you a private message with some of my thoughts.

Trying to detox at home is dangerous and can be fatal.

You can help him best by insisting he do this under medical supervision.

I don't blame you for being angry, addiction is truly a family disease.

If you have children, it might be a good time for them to visit a relative while he goes through all this.

Again, please insist on medical supervision, it's the only safe way to detox from anything.

Hugs

Gosh I've tried so many things but I have concluded the following is the only way that works in my situation (boyfriend + sister on crack and heroin)
1. No money
2. No arguing or name calling
3. Emotional + practical support (don't get sucked in by manipulation)
4. Tell them about AA meeting or such others (but don't beg / force them to go)
5. Do not do mundane things for them such as (driving them to their court hearings, docotrs appointments or even washing their clothes)
6. No drugs within the house
7. Ask them to visit their doctor (do not force)

At the end of the day this is about us as well as them, we can only do so much and then we have to let go and allow them to live in a way that they want to and if it is too painful for us then we need to move on or out. Another human cannot and will not stop a craving or addiction it is all about having an emotional balance that let's you lead your life in a healthy way :)

I wish you well in your journey to peace x

Hi allforcnm,

I cant send you a private message back yet...i have to post more first.

I just want to say thank you for that message! I really appreciate all the info, your insite, all the helpful links!

I dont know if you will see this message because im still figuring out how this all works...i dont really know how to reply to someone...but hopefully you do!

Thank you! :)

:) Your welcome; glad some of it was helpful.

Just wondering if there is some reason that you can't share your thoughts in this thread? I would be interested in what you have to say. If it is something private, then sorry I asked.

Thanks, Kari

I have the same question but I have found there isn't much you can do...sadly. I think not doing anything is harder than doing something which is why so many of us enable in the first place I'd guess.

My gut instinct is to ask the addict how you can be supportive. At least I do this in other situations. I'm not sure if it will work with an addict cause they are known for lying. I guess it won't hurt to ask though and if there is something that doesn't involve enabling that they need from you then you could decide if you feel comfortable doing it.

Kari

Hi KariSue,
I sent a private message to Lola because I provided her with quite a few links to informational sources about addiction; most of which can be found in the stickys here on SR. Its my understanding that providing one or two links on a post is ok, but its best to send a p.message if you have several you want to share. My resources are basically just articles and info from sources such as National Institute of Drug Abuse, Partnership Drug Free America, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services; things that I have found helpful during my own learning experience. If you want a copy, just send me a message and I will forward them to you.

w o w.

THIS is going on the wall.

THANK YOU, so much.