MrsSalty

Hii everyone... I am new to SR but have been definitely getting some good insight over my first evening here. I am new to this whole addiction/recovery world. There is alot I am looking to learn because to be frank, I just don't know... I've never done this before.

I've had a suspicion that my husband had been up to something for awhile. Money somewhat disappearing with nothing to show and defensive avoiding answering questions along with many trips for errands with nothing to show & the typical mood swings. I finally got more concrete evidence and staged an intervention (with his family) about 3 weeks ago. He went to detox for almost a week and now is in an inpatient rehab facility. Much of this has happened because he knows I would leave with our young child... basically an ultimatum.

I was able to drive him from detox to rehab, about a 3 hour drive. I saw an amazing difference. The man I had been growing ever more distant from was back to more of himself. Now he's been in rehab for about 2 weeks. Over the phone he's had good days and bad. Good days when he definitely is discovering his triggers and working on how he will handle things. Bad days when he compares himself to the "needle using" addicts like he wasn't as bad. I remind him that he just never got to heroin (he used oxys, vicoden, ect) and that overall they are all opiates and that recovery from addiction is still the same for him. I can't see where it's healthy to compare. Since he hasn't said much about that again. We visited him last weekend and reviewed his aftercare with the counselor there. Aftercare plan consists of 90 meetings in 90 days (no skipping days), 1x a week with an addiction therapist, he wants to see a psychologist as well. (I've been seeing that addiction therapist as well, and will see them 1x a month with him).

Now he is telling me he thinks he would get better care at home-- with his aftercare plan. He says it would be more personalized and better for him. Currently he isn't really getting 1 on 1 counseling at the rehab, so he says. Ultimately its not my choice on if he comes home soon, but he's up for re-evaluation in 2 days. This program isn't a set # of days. I am not ready for him to come home. I'm nervous.... really nervous. He is going to get the Vivitrol shot as part of his recovery, which has been ordered... but I'm still nervous.

He is working on anger and how that's a trigger for him. I am very resentful right now. I trust nothing. I have found out that this issue has been going on pretty much since the day I met him, to some extent, which I have been completely unaware of. I feel like our 7+ years of marriage (plus 2 years prior) has lies all over it. He has left multiple loans and hidden accounts behind... again complete deception, not to mention ALOT of money to be paid. All this leads to alot of resent. I know I need to get passed this and I"m working on learning what I need to let go vs. handle. I worked the first 2 weeks of this, FT, while caring for our preschooler. I finally made the difficult decision to take medical leave from work to handle myself and this situation.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like he needs to be in rehab longer, although I know he doesn't "get healed" magically while he's there and that is recovery will always continue. I don't want him to take a step back if hes getting frustrated with staying there either. I am feeling hopeless right now that nothing will ever be the same between us. I'm hoping beyond hope this brings us closer and that he remains clean. He knows if he stops his recovery efforts and/or uses that I will leave. I've said that he has this chance and only this chance. I am concerned more about the safety of our child more than anything and refuse to let him see daddy go through any relapse. I think we are important enough to keep him sober, but he has to do it for himself too, right?

I'm a little lost. Scared. Upset and nervous. Thoughts.

Eve13

I'm sorry this has happened to you. There sounds like a lot that needs to be sorted out over time. My thoughts would be:
Tell him and his therapist that you feel he may not be ready and find out what they think/what they are seeing.
Protect yourself financially. He has accounts/debts that you didn't know about? I'm not sure as you're married if you have any accountability. You may want to talk with someone more knowledgable specific to your state.
You've set your boundaries, if he uses you will leave.
What are you doing to take care of yourself to deal with this hopelessness? AlAnon? Your own counselor?
One day at a time...

MrsSalty

I am seeing the addiction therapist since 2 days after the intervention/detox. She will see me, him and us together. I haven't been to a meeting yet but have located them and trying to get them to work with sitters and such.

Yes, accounts, loans, credit cards I was unaware of. So far, I've brought them to date since he's been away. As much as I want him to have that responsibility solely, I realize that if we work out one day I can't have a husband with ruined credit when making like a home purchase- WAY down the road. Mind you, he's been really lazy, unmotivated and hasn't looked for a career position. He's worked, full time but minimally. Nothing steady. He almost has his masters, so is well educated & I feel should have a career. Of course, first things first, right?

That's something I need to ask the therapist....what gets sorted out when. I don't want high expectations for things to happen more quickly than they really should be.

allforcnm

MrsSalty – I can relate to much of what you posted here. My husband was addicted to prescription pain meds. He went through a 3 month inpatient rehab that was based on private therapy (no NA) and then he came home. He also used the Vivitrol shot, but stopped it after 2 months. He had good results with it though. My husband also continued with private therapy when he came home, and he still does this, he’s almost 16 months clean now.

When he was in rehab, I started working with a therapist they assigned me and it was a huge help; dealing with the past, trust issues, looking at myself, what was best for our infant son, etc. So its great your also working with someone 1:1. For me, it took time to process everything that happened. I suggest being patient with yourself, try not to rush your feelings. Did your husband’s rehab or the addiction doctor ever mention marriage counseling? We did this, and it was also really good for both of us. If you are not ready for your husband to come home then I would be honest about it with him and the people at the rehab; its ok to need more time on your side.

Another thing, and I don’t want to be discouraging but addiction is a chronic condition. People can recover and put it into complete remission, however some people require multiple treatments, maybe even multiple rehabs. The rehab and therapists should work with both of you on relapse prevention plans (which sounds like his aftercare plan you mentioned), and actual plans in the case of a relapse. Its ok to decide that you can only be part of this one shot at recovery, but understand that relapse happens and it doesn’t mean he isn’t trying, or that he has even failed; its really just an indicator something is off and he needs to make adjustments and possibly seek more treatment.

I had no experience with any of this either, its really overwhelming especially in the beginning as there are so many unknowns, and so many feelings to cope with. Please take care of yourself, be patient, and know you don’t have to have all the answers today.

someoneswife

I'm so sorry about what has brought you here! So much of your story sounded familiar. I was unaware of my husbands 3 year addiction and he was awesome at hiding it. When I find out he went into rehab 3 days later. He's been there for 7 weeks and still compares himself to other addicts and has trouble saying he is an addict. My husband also wanted do outpatient from home. I wasn't ready either and the rehab recommended he live in a sober living house and do outpatient from there. So that's what we are doing. He knows he can't come home if he checks himself out of rehab. The place he is at has let him come home for the weekend the past 2 weeks to get eased back into the house. That has really helped both of us. It is still scary to think about him coming home to live right now.
Al anon is an amazing support and can really help bring peace and strength into a time like this. Does his rehab offer a group just for families? Some of them do and this is a great place to talk to other addict families who might be farther into the program. Also a good chance to share openly without fear and be able to talk to a counselor that's familiar with that rehabs particular program.

MrsSalty

Thanks for the replies. This forum is definitely very helpful.

Today has been rough on me, although a happy one for him as the counselor has all but "officially" given him the green light to go home. She (the rehab counselor) was supposed to call me today. Around noon I tried her and followed up with an email to no avail. However the first thing my husband said on the phone was that she told him she had been in contact with me and I even emailed her. She is supposedly happy with his aftercare plan and thinks he's ok to go home. I'm so frustrated. I was sure to email her and tell her so.

I know that his return is inevitable. I am just very nervous and weary about the whole thing. Only 3 weeks ago he turned my world upside down. I found out about tens of thousands of dollars borrowed from multiple sources among other things. I am still getting my head wrapped around the aftermath. Things are going to be really difficult when he comes home. He's working on his anger and I'm so frustrated I wonder if I'm even gonna be a good help for that, you know?

I see the addiction counselor tomorrow for me. I hope she has the vivitrol shot so I can drive him directly there and have him get it. He says he started the pill form a few days ago & can be sent home with that, but I would prefer the shot and then I guess the "working the recovery" part of this starts. He will not have his car or any access to any money so its going to be hard on me but I have zero (actually like more in the negatives) trust in him so I feel like its a must.

Nervous and not looking forward to this.

MrsSalty

Before his return, I have deleted/cleared his phone of every contact (basically its a "new" iphone) and changed his phone number. I deleted any/all friends from his facebook that I thought may remotely be involved and deactivated his account (I wish I could permanently delete it). Tomorrow I will buy a combination safe for my 2 meds for migraines/anxiety just in case and his keys because I will not permit him to drive anywhere alone for at least awhile. I wonder if there is more I can/should do. At the same time I wonder why I need to live like this.

wiscsober

MrsSalty You will find a lot of supportive people on SR. Best to you.

allforcnm

Since you have the appointment tomorrow with the addiction doctor, I would discuss these types of things with her. I found there is a very fine balance between maintaining the husband/wife relationship, and also ensuring your kids, family finances and such are secure during the time of early recovery. Also, since you mentioned your husband has some anger issues, I would want to make sure these things are part of a plan discussed with him in advance to his coming home, probably again with the help of one of the doctors your working with. One day at a time....

MrsSalty

So I still have not heard a word via phone or email from the counselor at the rehab. She was supposed to reach out to me Wed before his "evaluation" today. HOwever, it seems as if he has been "evaluated" and is all set to go home after just over 2 weeks there. I'm beyond frustrated. I have emailed and phoned her a few times... and nothing. Oh well, he will be home tomorrow. I told him to have a meeting picked out for tomorrow night. He must go to one daily.

The addiction therapist I saw today was shocked at him coming home so soon. In fact she had tried to contact the facility as well, to no avail. She is supportive of my changing his phone # and clearing all his contacts and so on. Basically I have to be in control.

Although I am a very independent type person, I'm not used to having to be so strict with everything. I've always paid the bills but he's always had money to pretty much play with... but that will change. I have told him this. I have also told him he will not have his car, that I will be driving him everywhere and will be supervising conversations between people that I am pretty positive knew more than they are letting on... but are family. I even purchased a safe today to keep his keys, credit cards, and my medication in.

He goes in a few days to get his vivitrol shot and will take the pill for until then, which he started at the rehab facility, which is like a security blanket. Next thing on my list is to find a meeting for myself. I do like this forum and some other sites I've found, but I think its important that I attend them.

I am going to try to be positive here. It's hard, because I wish he would stay there longer.... but the situation is not hopeless.... I have to try to believe that he is really going to work his recovery, as am I.

allforcnm

Have to say I think it is very odd about his rehab situation. The counselors at my husbands rehab were very good about keeping in communication. I cant believe they wont return your calls. I also have a hard time understanding why they approved for him to leave so soon. I wonder if it is insurance based? Or maybe your husband initiated it, and they are going along with it, but that makes no sense because you would think they would at least express that view to you, since he will be coming home.

But yes staying positive is probably the best option for you right now .

Im glad you were at least able to meet with the addiction doctor, and your plans are all firmed up. Hopefully as he proves himself dedicated to working his recovery then some of the restrictions can be lifted and you will both feel more at ease. That is what happened with my husband. My only real boundaries were regarding our son. I just had to know he could handle any situation given his emotional state and all that.

I say use whatever resources are available to you. Group support is good and lots of people here go to meetings. I personally do not, but I worked with a therapist and she held family sessions also. I met people there who I still stay in contact with and I count them as part of my support system. Please be certain to take care of yourself; hoping it all goes well.

MrsSalty

What boundaries did you set with your son? I am unsure of how to handle this. We have a young child (preschool age) and I wonder if, maybe not at first, should I allow him to "sit" with him while I run an errand. He wouldn't have access to his car, as I've locked away the keys. So I'm torn with, if he's just playing here with our child, that should be fine.... Just wondering what others have done.

allforcnm

Our son was about 8 months old when his dad came home from rehab. He had been there for 3 months, and at the end did some outpatient where he lived with us and went to treatment during the day. I just mention all this because I think part of setting restrictions, or setting boundaries has to be based on where the person is at in their recovery, and how they are doing emotionally. My husband was able to visit with our son when he was in rehab, at first it actually caused him quite a bit of stress when our little boy would have a bad crying spell. I think it was because he suffered from anxiety, and it took time to fade. To shorten the story... when he came home I didn't leave our son alone with him for a couple of weeks, and then it was for short trips to run to the grocery store, and then it expanded from there until we both felt comfortable. I knew he was strong in his recovery, and emotionally he seemed to be able to handle any situation that came up. Plus we were new parents and I had to make sure he learned basic care because he missed a lot of learning opportunities. It would be easier in some ways depending on the age of the child I think. My son was basically helpless. My husband went back to work a couple weeks after he came home, so he had his car and all that. In our case, my main worry was not fear of his drug seeking or drug using, just the emotional aspects. Hope that helps a bit.

incitingsilence

You aren’t suppose to live like this, it isn’t healthy…

In reading what you have written in all your posts and the steps you have taken and the must do’s you put in place I tend to think you are setting yourself up for a lot of drama, chaos, disappointment, soon to be more resentment.

First maybe in the moment you need to view him as a grown man, capable of thinking and making the next best choice, if he wants to. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t and you won’t have any control either way.

Then you might want to reevaluate why you are on anxiety and migraine meds and could that be because of the fact that you are living with an addict and have been for years. Not taking care of yourself as you should be...

You also are going to have to find a way to accept he is an addict, accept that he doesn‘t use at you. Understand that this twisted idea that they choose a drug over family is skewed and realize that the drug just renders them incapable of thinking of anything but the next hit when they are jonesing. It isn‘t personal.

And he will have to be the one to see himself as important enough to save, as worth the time and effort.

And if you think clearing his phone, locking up the car keys, deleting his face book contacts are going to stop him from using if he wants to you are sadly mistaken. That counselor should have never advised that or been on board and asked what your motive was and then explained how you have no control…

If he wants to use he will, nothing you do will stop him. You might slow him down, but having the power to stop him, nah... Also vivitrol while a great tool will only block an opiate high…it will not stop him from using any other class of drugs out there. Oh and there are many and hell he might not even have to leave the house.

Isn’t he capable of taking care of himself?

My husband is a recovering heroin addict.

I let him run the show. It was his life after all and worked on ME, figuring out why I was as I was, in the reactions to him, in the insanity I allow heroin to cause in my head, in the way heroin become a great excuse to pick up drinking again He was more than capable of finding his way, the way he wished too and OMG he did.

We were very much on the same page in terms of the children and anything else important. All but one of my children was old enough to know or even understand what was going on and that made things much more normal here. There were no surprises for them and there won‘t be. They knew he went to meetings when he did, that he had a shrink, that he took sub… I never put anything on the table as a requirement because that wasn’t my place. Although I have strong boundaries but they are about ME. And frankly if you put meetings on the table you better be able to back it up and follow your own advice. My husband knew the resources available to him, because he sought out treatment through his doctor. Your husband has an education and tools to help himself from being in rehab. That will stay with him even if he uses again.
I knew what was available to me because I sought out help as well for my own sanity.

The key will always be the time you put into yourself. This is where the guarantee of a good life sits at for you. Success stories here are not dependent upon the addicts in one life. They will not make or breaks us, only we make that choice. They will not take us down, we always go willingly.
Success stories are measured by the time you are willing to give to yourself and in that there isn’t hesitation, there isn’t a head trip, an inability to make a decision or confusion. You find what you need to have a most wonderful life. I do hope you can find a way to take a chance on yourself.

allforcnm

Ive always wondered about the phones and computers. My husband was allowed to have both while he was in rehab. I think they felt like he needed to deal with any triggers, or impulses to call old friends while he was there and could work through it in his therapy sessions. I didn't try to monitor any of that stuff, in our case it was different because his only real using friends were this group of guys he worked with. He did request a transfer to a different location at work to avoid old triggers there, but there was no way I could monitor his activities all the time even if I had wanted to. I do have some friends that did work with therapists and they did have restrictions in place on certain things, or had rules on transparency in certain things. For them it worked and helped rebuild trust that had been broken.

pravchaw

Great discussion. The reality is that your husband will find a way to quit if he really wants to. He may need to understand the underlying cause of his addiction. Psychotherapy can be helpful.

MrsSalty

I appreciate all the feedback and advice. He has been home 5 days and I'm exhausted. I think he's trying but as each day passes I feel like its not as noticable. When I say trying, I mean on his "triggers' such as staying calm. He's gone to a meeting each day, even 2 in one day. He actually was greatful for me clearing his phone and changing his number and so far as no desire to reactivate his facebook account. We have seen the addiction therapist and he is really looking forward to weekly visits. We have rough times, because he definitely doesn't understand the complete impact of his actions, but I think that will come with time. One day at a time....

I am trying to find an al-alon meeting around me. Its tricky, surprisingly, but plan on attending one in the next few days. I am seeing the addiction therapist as well.

I'll update more, but am exhausted with this whole situation right now.

Thanks again for all the help!