thenotoriousdud

Well an update to my situation, everyone is pissed at me. Evev though I promised myself a thousand times that I would stand my ground, I didn't do very well at it. My addict is sleeping in my bed right now. After allowing her to get close to me & my nephew a few times over the last 2 weeks we fell into old routines(I sorry guys but it just felt so GOOD to be normal for a change)and lifestyles. It became harder and harder to let that comfortable feeling go at the end of the visits. She left the fleabag hotel she was staying in on Friday and came to me begging to stay for the weekend while she weighed her options. Over the weekend I was able to sleep through the night, sit down to normal meal and generally function without that knot in my chest that is so painful. She has found a new job already(starting in the morning)and has agreed to begin the counselling/rehab process with me beginning Wednesday.

I am terrified, and I am trying not to get my hopes up too high, but this is the best I've felt since the relapse happened. Am I stupid for hoping that this may be the start of something great? Should I have turned her away and sent her to the local Detox center? This has been the hardest thing emotionally that I've ever had to go through.

Eve13

TND, I don't know if she can manage starting with an outpatient program. And no, you're not "stupid" for hoping this is the start of something great. I hope she is able to bring herself back to all you've built up together.

What are your boundaries? What will you do to protect the recovery you yourself have worked so hard for? What is acceptable in your marriage? While time is revealing itself, are your financial assets protected?

Take care, and keep posting.

thenotoriousdud

All finances are controlled by me, it had been that way since her summer "vacation" for lack of a better word last year. Part of this relapse I believe was the fact that I had started to give her a bank account of her own. I felt that she was far enough along to start to manage some money. I was wrong. Won't make tht mistake again, money is a HUGE trigger for some it seems. All boundaries are well established, we have moved from friends to working on it. I had been seeing a counselor every Wed. for a while now and he had noticed that even though I was putting up what I thought was a hardline front, that the likelihood of her returning was high(you can't get anything past this guy, he's great). He has .prepared for her to come in with me when her run was over. All rehab/detox info and intake is ready to go. She was up for work this morning and seemed happy to be going. I'll take things day by day, keep praying and protect MY recovery with everything I have. Actually, on a side note this relapse has strengthened my resolve to stay clean somewhat. I was closer to my former life this last week than I have been since I left it and I saw some of the folks that I used to run with. They looked like death, literally. Teeth rotting out of their faces, sores, grey pallor to their skin etc. I thank God that I got out when I did and thank him in advance that I don't ever have to go back.

zoso77

You just answered your own question, although I don't consider you weak.

See, when we care about someone, we want that person in our lives. And when they're gone, it hurts us. So it doesn't matter how toxic she is. She's filling a hole for you right now, and when that hole isn't filled, it's too much for you to bear. So you're making decisions based on filling that hole, and while it's understandable and I empathize with it, it's doing you more harm than good.

The only guidance I will provide you is to allow yourself to know what you know to be true. Whatever concerns you have about what you're doing and what she's all about are things you need to pay attention to. Even if you don't want to.

PM me anytime you need to talk.

ZoSo

lesliej

All finances are controlled by me, it had been that way since her summer "vacation" for lack of a better word last year. Part of this relapse I believe was the fact that I had started to give her a bank account of her own. I felt that she was far enough along to start to manage some money. I was wrong. Won't make tht mistake again, money is a HUGE trigger for some it seems. All boundaries are well established,

Do you realize that the beginning and end of this statement are an oxymoron? At least in my case I had to come to discover that. I was the "money handler" for my ex for awhile...it is an attempt to CONTROL which is one of the big 3's in al anon.

as Einstein said once..."you cannot simultaneously prepare for war and peace" I translate that in to our predicament...you cannot simultaneously attempt to "control" and find the "detachment" that supports your own recovery.

your story is horribly familiar. down the rabbit hole in your heart where the addict leads you but the addict cannot fill, that is a hole you need to fill yourself, the addict is your DOC

lesliej

and, yes, there is a "better word" than "vacation"
be real, call it what it is.

KariSue

Most of us have done the same type of thing I'm sure. I have. Sometimes we just have to do what we feel we have to or want to.

I hope it works out for you but, if it doesn't, you'll be better prepared next time.

It is soooo unfair that we have to deal with any of this but we do.

Kari

interrupted

Is your nephew a minor child? Do you have any family that can watch your nephew for you while you have an active crack addict staying in your home?

pravchaw

If she is in active addiction you will end up ejecting her again. But we hope for the best don't we. We can never tell when the final turning point happens. This is not weakness its called hope.

I had a similar situation with son. He left home in Feb. Last month I let him back in on his promise to seek treatment (he has several options) - he lasted about 3 weeks and started drinking heavily. I had to ask him to leave. I miss my son very much and he knows my home is open to him as long as he is not using and undergoing treatment.

Ann

Even when I knew the right answers, even when I knew that I was making a big mistake, even when I knew that this would be just one more round with my son...even knowing all that...it took me forever to change, to decide that I could not live one more day like that.

It happened when it happened. I tried many times and then, one time, I knew that was it and I gave it all to God to take care of because I could not live like that for one more day.

You`ll get there when you get there. In the meantime I will hold her in my prayers and hope that `this time it will be different`and that she can stay on a good path.

Hugs from another slow learner.

pravchaw

Hi Ann, thanks for your es&h. We are all slow learners. In our situation its better to learn slowly than fast because if you learn fast you may realize later you learn the wrong lessons and then its too late.

BlueChair

What was it that you promised yourself? I havent been through the back and forth with relapses, but I cant say I would have done anything different than you did, not at the place Im at right now in my life. This is your wife, and she has agreed to get involved now in counseling/rehab so that is showing that she is making an effort, or realizes she needs help. I understand about getting your hopes up too high. I flip between feeling like the rehab my husband is in will fix everything, and then I smack myself because I know people relapse, and I may have to deal with it over and over so I tell myself not to be too hopeful. Whats done is done now, so dont be angry at yourself. From what Im reading you got yourself straightened out from drugs, there is no reason to think your wife cant do it to.

thenotoriousdud

Thank you for all the feedback folks. It is nice to have a forum full of friends that all want the best for you. I got another surprise when I came home from work tonight, my wife was there. I totally expected her to head out after she finished work but she didn't. Work day went well and our 1st counselling session is in the morning. Thanks for all the prayers, my guard is still way up and will be until she is working her program of recovery. I truly hope that she makes it this time.

Ilovemysonjj

Hi, I am a Mother of a heroin/meth addict, second time in rehab. I HOPE and pray this one is the one. All I can say is that drugs forever change the brain patterns. My son has been an addict for four years that I know of. He has been both on heroin and meth, and both led to desperate measures. I do know of many people who have conquered their addictions and moved on. The key is what they do during the first 12 months of recovery. Finding new people, places and things to do. It seems you have a stable environment BUT dont let anything slide. Been there done that through a few rounds with my son.

thenotoriousdud

We made it through another night at my house together. She is showing no signs of "Jonesin'" at all and insists that she is finished with the stuff. Although I have heard and said that before. My boundaries incude the fact that I will not interfere if she decides to go back out. Using for her is as easy as walking out the front door and going to it. I will not be her babysitter on that level. Using in my house is grounds for an immediate and possibly physical(lol) ejection from the premises. She cannot hide this from me since we used together often while I was still active 7+ years ago. Unfortunately, I know my stuff when it comes to this addiction. We are getting ready to head to our first counselling session together this morning at 9am. Send me out your prayers and blessings at that time folks. I have come to terms with the fact that I am a man in love and want her to get better. I do want our family together one day and I am going to support my wife in this attempt to rebuild.

Kindeyes

Ditto. There have been so many times that I did things that I knew in my heart were a huge mistake. I eventually learned that it wasn't always what I did but HOW I did it that was the mistake.

One day at a time.......time will reveal more......it always does.

You and your dear lady will be in my prayers. I hope that this will be a step toward getting (and staying) clean and sober.

gentle hugs
ke

thenotoriousdud

Thanks Kindeyes, the thing is, I love her so much it's ridiculous. She is everything a person could want in a partner. She is beautiful, kind, giving, sharing, hardworking, did I mention beautiful? lol. Its just this using thing, it is really the only pock mark on an otherwise happy family. When God blesses you with a love like the one he has given me, it's so hard to not want to fight for it.

We were reminiscing about the beginning of our lives together when we met in addiction. She was the one that decided to try recvery first. She came into the 24hr laundromat that I used to do my business and interrupted the drug deal I was doing. She told me that she needed to talk to me, RIGHT NOW!!! She wasn't going away so finally I agreed to go to Tim Hortons to talk & have a coffee. She sat me down and laid out her plans to me. It included us getting off drugs, no more dealing, reconnecting with our families etc. All I know is that she had a fire in her eyes that just beautiful, I will never forget it. She told me this is what she wanted to do and she wanted me there with her when she does it. It took her the bigger part of a month to finally get me to check into our local detox, but I did it and have never looked back. Almost 8yrs later I am working for a multi-national medical supply company. I am pre-approved for my 1st mortgage, raising my sister's son and pretty well situated for the future. If Erica hadn't barged into that laudromat that night and laid it all out for me, I don't think I would be where I am today.

Baloo

TND, enjoy what you have You can stand your ground if you have to, but what isn't going well right now?

OneNightAWeek

Thank you for sharing your story here. I am reading this and I think what if she had not been willing to wait for that bigger part of a month for you to decide and build up the inner strength to go for detox and make those changes in your life. Look at how it turned out with your recovery. Its really inspiring. I understand some people hold on and and fade away waiting for someone to change, but we each get to decide how long we fight, and if its worth fighting for. You sound like your life is good, and she sounds like she is a good person, good qualities on the inside as well as the beauty. Keep us posted, I wish the best for both of you.

thenotoriousdud

Hi all, just a quick update. Erica is still working her earlier stages of a new recovery plan. She is still going to work every day and participating willingly in normal household functions. Aside from a couple of triggers that we had to navigate over the last few days her resolve has been strong and things are going better than I expected them too. I am still taking things one day at a time and I am trying to enjoy things as they happen as opposed to creating expectations for the future. Its actually been quite freeing for me as I am a constant worrier about things future. Thanks for all the prayers and hugs and I send them right back at you all. I will keep posting here as the situation unfolds. Oh yeah, a cute little thing that we discussed the other day. During this relapse my wifes jewellry was all sold. Wedding ring, engagement set all of it. We decided that if things do work out and we stay together that we will get our wedding rings tattooed on our fingers on Erica's 1yr clean date. That way they can never be pawned right? We had a pretty good laugh at that one, thought I'd share it. Everyone make today great!!