Runawaytrain29

Hi, I'm new here. I suppose I just need someone to talk to.

I met my boyfriend in May of this year. 2 months after we got together he told me he was a recovering heroin addict. He'd got out of rehab at the end of December following a 6 year addiction. It came completely out of the blue. It took me some time to get my head around but I love and support him and I'm incredibly proud of everything he has achieved. What I am finding hard is that he is very unwilling to talk about it. He has said I'm free to ask him any questions I might have, but whenever I try he gets very angry and defensive and jumps down my throat. He has also asked me not to tell anyone, which I understand but it has resulted in me feeling very alone and as though I have no one to talk to. I don't understand enough about heroin addiction or methadone use to answer my own questions.

I have no doubt that my boyfriend loves me but he also has extreme mood swings. He goes between being incredibly loving and affectionate to very aggressive and argumentative. He also sleeps ALL the time. If he sits on the sofa for more than 5 minutes he falls asleep, no matter what the time of day and trying to wake him is like waking the dead! I don't know if this is just how he is or whether its related to his heroin use?

I suppose I just feel alone and confused and a bit lost. I feel like all he needs is love and support and time. To know that someone is proud of him and believes on him but sometimes he makes that very hard. I think more than anything I just need to know that I'm not going through this on my own. To know that there are people out there who understand and can maybe answer some of my questions.

jerect

Welcome to SR, we are glad you are here..

Your story sounds familiar.. Familiar because my ex told me the exact same one the first night he met me..

I'm thankfully out of that five years of hell relationship..

Your BF does not have much clean time.. It is suggested that someone that is newly recovering stay out of relationships for at least a year so that they can focus solely on their recovery.. Is he going to meetings and working some kind of program?

Enough about him... What about you? How comfortable are you in this relationship? Deep down, do you trust him or are you questioning his sobriety and everything he says and does? If its the latter I suggest that you get out now.. Run for the hills as fast as you can... You can read my past posts and two blog entries if you want to know a glimpse of what it's going to be like to be in a relationship with a "recovering" addict..

If you choose to stay with him then i suggest you get to an alanon meeting because you are going to need the support...

KariSue

To be honest, it sounds like he is using. The mood swings, the sleeping, etc.

Please don't give him money and hide your valuables. Missing money is a big sign.

I suppose you could go to AlAnon or NarAnon but personally I would just leave. It will save you a world of heartache. I'm so sorry.

Kari

Tailor

hi thanks for your post
have u tried al anon??
it could help

incitingsilence

Does he work? Is he living with you and if so is he contributing to the household? If he isn’t living with you is he taking care of his responsibilities, his bills and such.

Always broke not a good sign.

Were in you raised in a home with addiction/alcoholism or abuse present? Or did you have previous bad relationships with an addict or abuser.

Is he on methadone?

Does he take other medications or drink?

6 months out isn’t a lot of time for a heroin addict…and the heroin is a symptom of the disease … you can not use but that doesn’t mean you are alright, it just means you aren’t using and giving yourself a chance. From there it can be a very long road to where you feel ok.

And if he was using heroin for 6 years what was he using before that and for how long, because it is rare that you start there, usually you find there as a natural progression of the addiction.

You aren’t going to take this advice but I am going to give it anyway. If you are living together, get him out or leave. And I say this more for the reason that why would anyone after only knowing someone just since May live with them … and that you will have to figure out looking at yourself, not him. Actually everything will have to be figured out that way. What he does, how he acts isn’t your issue. Where you need to pay attention is why you stay around and watch and maybe take it … and love isn’t a good enough reason and your love will not make (save him) or break him.

Do you find it acceptable to have someone tell you they are an open book and then go off on you because you asked a question?


This is a ride you can’t imagine, I know, I been there, done that. Relapse rates are extremely high, no matter what anyone here would tell you. And frankly success rates long term are very low, if they live long enough to find a way out and be counted.

terryr97

I agree with all of the above. I was with my ex for seven good months and four years of hell after that. All because I thought my love could save him. I've been lied to so many times that I don't know what the truth is from anyone. I went from happy, joyous and free to insane and full of resentments. I would say get out now while you still can or you'll be sucked into a hell you don't want to be in. Addicts are master manipulators that can have you believing that everything is all your fault and they'll ruin your self esteem in the process.

Eve13

You wrote: I have no doubt that my boyfriend loves me but he also has extreme mood swings. He goes between being incredibly loving and affectionate to very aggressive and argumentative.

What's up with anyone being aggressive and argumentative with you and that's ok? I say "ok" because you are still with him.

I had to (painfully) watch my teenage daughter in an abusive relationship until she realized she deserved better. She told me they started off all lovey. Over time some arguments. Then later he started getting physical. It was gradual, and she believed she "deserved it" because "she provoked him". Bullsh**!!! It broke my heart until she got fed up and got the police involved and threw him in jail and slapped him with a PPO which she needed to enforce when he followed her away to college.

I know advise may not be helpful, so you said you had some questions....?

DJ0822

Run, runaway train, run!

LoveMeNow

You will always be a distant second to his first and only love - heroin!

Watch for the cycle. Loving, nasty, picking fights, making up, repeat. It's truly a cycle of emotional abuse. The honeymoon periods keep many of sucked in.

lesliej

The heroin users I knew were always nodding off...going into dream world of the poppy. Nothing can compete with the perfection of poppy dreams. And real life? Real relationships? Forget it! Too much hassle...easier to just buy dope.

Maybe that's what the manipulation of an addict is all about...we buy into trying to be as easy, non argumentative, non needy...etc. as buying dope. We lose ourselves by trying to fit into the box, the corner of life, that is left for us after the addict is done using. The space that is left is twisted dark and small...and we get to spend time in it with an addict who is either in withdrawal or in early recovery...NOT fun.

There is a part of my heart that still holds "love" for my ex ABF...but it is a small part...I keep it small because it also holds that dark twisted part. It holds the memory of his anger, his nasty defensive manipulative side...the addict who hated me. Yes, the man may be sweet...but the addict hates us. We interfere. We need things. We wonder where the money...the energy...the laughter...the life has gone. We want it back from the addict and the addict wants us out of the way. Jekyll and Hyde.

Looking at posts from people in new relationships reminds me to not let my heart take hold of Hyde again. It's like resisting an addiction. Sometimes we only really seek our own recovery when it's been bad enough...when we see our own bottom. In the beginning it's like telling someone not to smoke crack or shoot up heroin after they've already tried it...it's too "good" to quit. That's how many of us become with an addict..."but they're so good". If. If. If.

IF you find yourself saying IF then you have already taken a "hit" and the "dope" was good so denial begins...it wants to protect the supply.

Runawaytrain29

Hey, firstly thank you to all of you for taking the time out to reply. I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it and how much it helps to know that you are out there!

jerect - my boyfriend does not go to any meeting and is not on any kind of program. One of my greatest concerns is that he doesn't seem to think there is any ongoing issue from his addiction. During one of our arguments I said that getting clean and out of rehab was just the start. That learning to live sober and coming to terms with everything that has happened, the emotional and physical backlash of his addiction was a long road that we were at the very beginning of but that we would go down it together. His response was to get very VERY angry. He said he's done rehab, he's got clean and there is nothing more to it. That he just wants to get on with his life and do I want him to walk around with a flashing neon light on his head saying 'junkie'? He said i'm ridiculous and over reacting. I haven't talked to him about it again.

I do love him but I suppose I do question him more than I probably would if I didn't know about his past. He pulled me up on it once, when I asked him why he sleeps so much. He asked if I thought he was still using. When I admitted that the thought had crossed my mind he said that was his life now, that he lived under a cloud of suspicion all the time. When he said that I felt so guilty for ever having those thoughts, or admitting them to him.

I suppose if i'm being completely honest then no, I don't trust him completely. I look at his phone, but when I looked he had deleted a ton of his messages and the same again the other day. I'm not normally a suspicious person. I've never checked a boyfriends phone in the past. I don't like who i'm turning into.

At the same time, I trust him in the most important ways. I trust him with my children although I have not yet left him on his own with them. I know he has moved hundreds of miles away from his old life and cut off all his 'user' friends and dealers. He works hard and he is so good with me and my kids in so many ways. There is just something niggling at me, deep down. I can't even really put what it is into words.

Thank you so much for the advice. I will look at your blogs and also check out alanon meetings in my area.

Kari - your message made me cry but maybe that's because it touched a nerve. It also made me feel less alone, like you understand. Thank you.

djait - I haven't tried alanon yet but i'm definitely going to check it out.

incitingsilence - yes he does work. He has a good job that he maintained throughout his addiction, as did his ex girlfriend who was also an addict. Luckily he is in a career where he can get a job in most places and so managed to get a job in a new area soon after leaving rehab. He has started living with us. I know its very very soon and its something that i'm not 100% sure was a good idea, I was never convinced it was a good idea for him to move in so soon but he felt that the stability would be good for him. He is in a huge amount of debt from funding his habit and seems to struggle with budgeting or managing his bills. He earns a lot of money and yet this month he had to take out a payday loan to get through. He gets very defensive when I try to talk to him about his finances. He does help out financially where he can, with food etc.

I wasn't raised in a home with any kind of addiction. I was raised in a single parent family but at the age of 18 I met my ex husband (and father of my children) and was then in a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years. I got out 5 years ago and have been on my own since then as I wanted to give myself time to properly recover and learn from what I had been through. My current boyfriend is the first person I have been with since my ex husband.

He doesn't take methadone. I don't understand much about methadone but he said it didn't work for him as he took very low doses because if you take high doses its hard to come off. He used to take 20 a day in order to get through work and then use heroin on top.

His drinking is a big cause for concern for me. He gets through at least a bottle of wine a night and is very secretive about it - hiding drink around the house, defending his drinking even though I never ask or question him about it. I don't like who he becomes when he drinks - that is when his aggressive and argumentative side is at its worst. I told him I don't like it and he promises to stop but he hasn't yet. He also takes Benzo's (valium etc) as despite his constant sleeping during the day, he struggles to sleep at night.

He started using drugs recreationally at about 13 - acid, pills, coke etc and continued to use them until he entered rehab. I don't think he's ever had an addiction before but he is a self confessed hedonist. He would take whatever came his way. He was into the 90's rave scene and having a good time. He can't say no, he does most things to excess. He recognises that in himself but doesn't see it as a problem.

I know you are absolutely right about the living together and I also know that I have to look at myself and why I allowed it to happen so soon. None of this can be resolved by pushing it on him. I have to look at myself and my part in the situation. That is the only way you can ever get answers. I have decided to go to counselling in order to try and understand myself better. To try to understand why I have created a situation I now feel trapped in. Why I allowed someone to move in with us after 3 months even though I wasn't comfortable with it. It's all too much, too soon.

No, I don't find it acceptable that he told me I could ask anything and then shout at me and I have told him that over and over again. I have told him that it will finish us but i'm not sure it gets through. He closes down, shouts, gets angry. Asks why I need to talk about it, that he just wants to forget it ever happened and move on with his life. Sometimes he opens up a bit and we have really good chats where I get some clarity and understanding of what he has been through and what he is still going through. The guilt and fear and confusion inside him. After these chats things seem better and we seem closer again but he soon closes down.

I know you must be wondering why I stay? Why I am with him. It's because I see so much light and good in him. He is kind and funny and loving and intelligent and affectionate. I see the wonderful man underneath all the aggression and I believe most of his negative behaviours come from a place of fear. I feel like he just needs time and support and love. I don't want to 'love him better', I don't want to be his saviour, I just want him to know that someone believes in him and has faith in him and is there for him.

terryr97 - some of what you said struck a nerve because I already see a change in myself. I feel anxious and tense a lot of the time. I am the first person he told about his past since coming out of rehab. He moved away from his past, his close friends and family already knew and everyone else is oblivious. I'm the acid test. The first person he has told. How I react is so important because i'm the first one. I feel the pressure of that hugely. I don't really know whats happened to me but my friends have already seen a difference and asked what's wrong but I can't tell them. I can't tell anyone. I suppose I feel completely lost and confused. But maybe that's my own fault? Maybe i'm over reacting. When I tried to tell my boyfriend how I felt, that was what he said. That i'm over reacting because he is no longer using. That it's just something that happened in his past and nothing to do with me. That it shouldn't even affect me.

Eve13- I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. Having been in an abusive relationship myself I know the long term pain and devastation they can cause. I hope you are all in a better place now. I suppose my questions relate to his behaviours and whether they should be a cause for concern or whether I am over reacting as I know about his past? Whether what I am feeling and going through is normal or whether he was right when he said it shouldn't affect me? Also maybe it would help if I knew more about methadone and it's effects. Why he was so loathe to use it, although his ex girlfriend had a script and used it in high doses. Also the long term side effects of heroin addiction and the longer term effects of coming off it.

LoveMeNow - one of the things that scares me is that recently when he has talked about heroin it is almost fondly. He talks about how good it was with a kind of peverse pleasure that scares me. In the beginning the impression I got was that his years on heroin were a horrible, dark, miserable time but more recently i'm starting to see that the way heroin made him feel is a stronger pull than any of that. I hate it when he talks like that, it scares me. And yes, that is the cycle. I couldn't have described it any better myself. He will pick an argument even though there is nothing to argue about. Why does it happen? What is the use of the cycle of arguing and making up. Saying horrible, hurtful things one minute and then being sweet and loving the next. It's exhausting and confusing. The sad thing is, we should still be in the honeymoon period. It's all been rushed and ruined. Things shouldn't be like this so early on but I know I had my own part to play in that.

lesliej - of all the posts I think yours hit home the most. Jekyll and Hyde. The man and the addict. Trying to be un-needy, non-argumentative, easy. Wondering where all the money and life has gone. It's like you've looked inside my head and written down what you saw. I laughed with the children the other day and only then realised that it's been far too long since I last really laughed.

Some say the most powerful pull is to be needed. That the song the mermaids sang to lure sailors to their death was 'help me. I need you. Only you can help me'. It's powerful, but its dangerous to believe you are the only one. That you alone can save someone.

It is what he says to me. That I saved him, I let him live again, I have given him something to live for. I don't want to be his saviour, I want him to save himself. I don't want us to be his reason to live, I want him to find that inside himself. And yet I can't let go, even though I know I probably should, because I love him and I believe in him and I don't want to add to his feelings of failure by walking away so early on. I see so much good in him. So much light. I feel like he just needs time and space and patience. Someone to stand by him until he can see that good in himself.

I know that i'm probably coming across as incredibly naieve and foolish but it really does help to talk to people who understand. To get advice based on knowledge, not ignorance and fear.

Thank you so much, all of you.

Runawaytrain29

P.s sorry for the uber long post!

interrupted

Your boyfriend isn't a recovering drug addict. He's still in active addiction. Recovering addicts don't take benzos and drink a bottle of wine every night. Even if he isn't still doing heroin, which he probably is, it doesn't matter because this other behavior is not the behavior of someone active in their recovery.

My sister and cousin are both heroin addicts, I know how terrible it feels to watch someone destroy themselves, but you aren't the answer to his addiction, only he can help himself when and if he decided to do so, and not a minute sooner.

Please don't ever leave your children alone with this man. He isn't capable right now of being the responsible adult that they need, and he isn't capable of being the boyfriend that you envision. He's abusive verbally and emotionally. Don't let what you wish him to be cloud the reality that is right in front of you.

Would you let someone who wasn't a drug addict treat you this way? Try to take the drugs out of it and just look at his behavior and the way he treats you. Is that the relationship that you want for yourself and your children?

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Heroin is ugly. Drug addiction destroys entire families, not just the addict. Keep reading and posting here, you're not alone in this.

Vale

quote:
I know that i'm probably coming across as incredibly naieve and foolish

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
No,not even close.
Not even in the same ballpark---
-not even in the same state.

No one here who has been authentically
through this will EVER fail to empathize with
every last thought.

I for one will be the LAST person to tell you how easy
it is for a person to initiate a lifesaving emergency egress
from such a powerful, cunning, and ruthlessly formidable
foe as addiction.

It is NOT easy.It is terribly difficult.

I've pulled off some tough gigs. This was right up there
with the toughest of them.

Respectfully.....treat this as the fight of your
life----for as so many here will attest:

IT IS.

lesliej

because I see so much light and good in him. He is kind and funny and loving and intelligent and affectionate. I see the wonderful man underneath all the aggression and I believe most of his negative behaviours come from a place of fear. I feel like he just needs time and support and love. I don't want to 'love him better', I don't want to be his saviour, I just want him to know that someone believes in him and has faith in him and is there for him.

if you made a list of the people here who are dealing with someone they love/d who is an active addict...(which is EVERYONE here...) and then threw a dart at the collection of posts...you would probably find the EXACT same description. when someone is in active addiction this description is the hopeful projection of the codependent...and this is the only part of us that the active addict truly loves...

our own addiction...our own need to project what COULD be about someone ELSE'S life...so that we can keep them in ours...this allows the addict continue on doing what they do. we can all talk til we are blue in the face. you can SAY that his addict behavior will "be the end of you" but because it HASN'T been the end of you...it simply isn't true.

his defenses around finances are total BS...they are the eggshells that every single codependent walks on until they start finding their own recovery.

KariSue

Oh my gosh Runawaytrain, your post just plain scares me. Get you and your children away from him, please, please, please.

I'm sure he is a wonderful person underneath. My son is an addict and he is also wonderful and a great father when he is not on drugs. Every single one of his addict friends was nice and had a nice family. BUT when they are using they are NOT themselves. You are then talking to the drug and not to that nice person. My son sometimes does not even remember some whole days (or says he doesn't).

I am sooo glad you are getting counseling. I think the most important thing you can do now is get him out of your apartment/house or leave yourself.

From everything you say, he IS using you. It is nothing personal, addicts just use people. It is one of the things they do.

I am so concerned for you and your children that if I lived by you and knew the situation I would call Child Protective Services and I don't say that lightly as I have never, ever called on anyone even though I am a mandated reporter because of my job. I will also call on my son if I had to and told him so.

Kari

springerworthy

Your post breaks my heart. I was you 10 years ago. I would bet the bank (if my husband hadn't already drained it) that he is using. Everything you described are things I've been through. Please don't waste your life with him. Your love will make not one ounce of difference over heroin.

springerworthy

I apologize for being harsh but it hit a nerve and I hate to see another woman about to do what I did.

courtneykay

I may sound like a broken record here when I say, run. Get out now. Free yourself of this toxic relationship before you become more attached and more emotionally involved than you already are.

I understand the pain. I too was in a relationship with an addict. He had a side to him that was everything I ever dreamed of. Intelligent, hilarious, caring, loving, charming, the list goes on and on...but then his other side was absolutely horrible. He was always angry, agitated, belittling, violent, manipulating, lying, and plain mean. I clung to his good qualities, I clung to the love we shared and the happy memories we had. But that was my mistake. Deep down I knew there was always something off about our relationship, I knew it wasn't healthy. I was naive. I let myself believe that maybe if I ignored the scarier side of my exboyfriend, it wouldn't exist. The problem would go away.

The problem doesn't go away. It only gets worse. The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it gets. And the harder it is going to be to let go and say goodbye. You will find yourself a completely different person than you were when you entered the relationship. Before my ex, I used to be laid back, easy going, etc. But once I was trapped in the relationship I too was very suspicious of him, snooping through his phone, constantly trying to figure out where he was and who he was with, etc. etc. These kinds of relationships are emotionally damaging & will rid yourself of all your confidence.

Please know I say all of this with understanding and compassion for your situation. I know it is hard. So many of us have been there. Save yourself, and save your children before you are in too deep.

lesliej

yes...13ckn01...it does change you, on a fundamental level I feel changed.

I met my ex at a really great point in my life...I was four years sober, finishing my graduate degree in theology, put together a huge art opening at my school and a long distance friend who couldn't make it that night said "shine"...and I let it shine that night...and he walked into my light...

that was Dec 2009. I am still working hard on recovering my light. addiction/codependency sucks your spirit like a black hole and maybe it is the rare person who will listen to early advice, I don't know. I was hooked. The love endorphins were like a slick elixir of the highest quality and I did not want to believe that I had to let go of what I found...I didn't know what I had really found and that the price to pay would be so dear.