Boyfriend is recovering heroin addict. I'm struggling.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Runawaytrain
I asked what I did to give you a starting point, we tend to all some reason why we find ourselves where we do. You gave yourself time, but I have to wonder if your picker is broken. I don’t mean that in a negative way or to be mean, but here you are again with a man who is showing signs of emotion abuse … you do know where that leads in time.
As you think he deserves...maybe you need to switch that up and think but wait I deserve way better, because you do.
He isn’t clean, all signs point to active addiction and that is why you are seeing what you are. And all roads will eventually lead back to heroin if they haven’t already because really now, once you been there nothing will compare.
With all he told you, I am sure there is more, because there always is. I think the day that pissed me off the most was the one where I realized wtf I don’t anything if it ain't mine. And I really should have known better.
I don’t wonder why you stay, I did … and I have no opinion either way, no one really should. There are just as many lessons in this for you because of the choices you made as there are for him on the road he must travel. But I will be blunt, this ride will destroy your spirit and leave you as sick if not sicker than him in the end if you don’t get help and support for yourself. And it can do worse if his aggression escalates, and the abuse goes to a physical nature. None of us here can predict what will be but there is nothing pretty living with someone in active addiction…and he will use because he isn't in any recovery. And he will lie to protect at all costs and yet it will be the lies that you tell yourself that will hurt you the most.
The odds are very much against him even though I have more faith than most in this and believe everyone can get clean and find a wonderful life. You can believe in him, think supportively, cheer him on … but he doesn’t have to be anywhere near you as you keep that positive attitude.
And make no mistake and this is very hard for most to understand. Right now you know, you have enough going on around you and enough support here to know that he is an addict and active in his addiction. Choosing to stay means you will have to be responsible for everything you feel, because you can’t be a victim to this if you stay because you found a reason to and were willing to.
If nothing else think of your children first and foremost in any decision making. As they watch, they will also be learning. Do you want them think that anything you are going through is acceptable?
Oh and we don’t think you are naïve. We all have been there, done that and some of us came out way better on the other side of the madness. There is a learning curve and addiction defies all common sense. It can not be figured out, looking from the outside in. It will be a total inside job for him. And it will be for you as well. You have to focus on yourself and take good care of you.
Stay safe!
I asked what I did to give you a starting point, we tend to all some reason why we find ourselves where we do. You gave yourself time, but I have to wonder if your picker is broken. I don’t mean that in a negative way or to be mean, but here you are again with a man who is showing signs of emotion abuse … you do know where that leads in time.
As you think he deserves...maybe you need to switch that up and think but wait I deserve way better, because you do.
He isn’t clean, all signs point to active addiction and that is why you are seeing what you are. And all roads will eventually lead back to heroin if they haven’t already because really now, once you been there nothing will compare.
With all he told you, I am sure there is more, because there always is. I think the day that pissed me off the most was the one where I realized wtf I don’t anything if it ain't mine. And I really should have known better.
I don’t wonder why you stay, I did … and I have no opinion either way, no one really should. There are just as many lessons in this for you because of the choices you made as there are for him on the road he must travel. But I will be blunt, this ride will destroy your spirit and leave you as sick if not sicker than him in the end if you don’t get help and support for yourself. And it can do worse if his aggression escalates, and the abuse goes to a physical nature. None of us here can predict what will be but there is nothing pretty living with someone in active addiction…and he will use because he isn't in any recovery. And he will lie to protect at all costs and yet it will be the lies that you tell yourself that will hurt you the most.
The odds are very much against him even though I have more faith than most in this and believe everyone can get clean and find a wonderful life. You can believe in him, think supportively, cheer him on … but he doesn’t have to be anywhere near you as you keep that positive attitude.
And make no mistake and this is very hard for most to understand. Right now you know, you have enough going on around you and enough support here to know that he is an addict and active in his addiction. Choosing to stay means you will have to be responsible for everything you feel, because you can’t be a victim to this if you stay because you found a reason to and were willing to.
If nothing else think of your children first and foremost in any decision making. As they watch, they will also be learning. Do you want them think that anything you are going through is acceptable?
Oh and we don’t think you are naïve. We all have been there, done that and some of us came out way better on the other side of the madness. There is a learning curve and addiction defies all common sense. It can not be figured out, looking from the outside in. It will be a total inside job for him. And it will be for you as well. You have to focus on yourself and take good care of you.
Stay safe!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
incitingsilence, I was trying to find a way to express the importance to focus on self and children, and you did it beautifully. Runawaytrain, if not for you, for them. Children are innocent and don't need (ANY) strangers moving in disrupting their one place in the world where they need to feel secure and safe.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
When I was going through my divorce the therapist that I was talking to said that my picker was broken.. The more I think about it, the more I realize she is right.. My ex's drug use wasn't my problem, I was my problem because I was settling for something that I didn't deserve..
Runawaytrain, forget about what he deserves.. What do you deserve? A man that you can trust and won't like to you? Or a man that you don't trust and one that will sneak around behind your back and do things that you never thought possible...
Most of us have been in your shoes... I for one would hate to see someone go through the 5 years of hell that I went through.. The longer you stay in a situation like that the harder it is to break free from it.. The relationship with my ex destroyed my self esteem, broke my spirit in a way that 8 months out I'm still trying to find all of the prices to put them back together again.. I have zero trust in men right now.. Zero.. I hate feeling like that but that's what a relationship with an addict will do to you.. My ex did things to me that I never thought I would be dealing with in a marriage.. He cheated on me countless times with other druggies, he stole from me so much that I hid any cash I had along with anything of value in a locked fireproof box and kept the key at work.. Looking back I realize how crazy it was to live like that...
Please keep coming back here to post and to ask questions.. No one is going to judge you if you make the decision to stay with him.. However, please take into account what others are saying.. It's painful for me to read a lot of newcomers post because I'm watching them fall into the same hell hole I fell into several years back... I don't wish that on anyone...
Runawaytrain, forget about what he deserves.. What do you deserve? A man that you can trust and won't like to you? Or a man that you don't trust and one that will sneak around behind your back and do things that you never thought possible...
Most of us have been in your shoes... I for one would hate to see someone go through the 5 years of hell that I went through.. The longer you stay in a situation like that the harder it is to break free from it.. The relationship with my ex destroyed my self esteem, broke my spirit in a way that 8 months out I'm still trying to find all of the prices to put them back together again.. I have zero trust in men right now.. Zero.. I hate feeling like that but that's what a relationship with an addict will do to you.. My ex did things to me that I never thought I would be dealing with in a marriage.. He cheated on me countless times with other druggies, he stole from me so much that I hid any cash I had along with anything of value in a locked fireproof box and kept the key at work.. Looking back I realize how crazy it was to live like that...
Please keep coming back here to post and to ask questions.. No one is going to judge you if you make the decision to stay with him.. However, please take into account what others are saying.. It's painful for me to read a lot of newcomers post because I'm watching them fall into the same hell hole I fell into several years back... I don't wish that on anyone...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 9
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I'm struggling more than ever tonight and I'm scared. I feel scared and so alone. I just want someone to talk to. Someone to look after me I suppose. Maybe we all want our mums when things get hard!
I hear what all of you are saying and I know it's the right advice. The advice that I would give to anyone in my position. But I just can't leave. I know that if I did, I would only take him back. I hate myself for being so weak and stupid. I want to leave, to get him out but something is stopping me. I can't help thinking that he just needs time. That if I give up on him it'll just reinforce his negative opinions of himself.
Today he went out to his mums. That was at 2:30 this afternoon. I knew deep down he wasn't really going to his mums. I knew he was either going to drink or use. He came home at 9:30 steaming drunk, but denied it. Said he hadn't had a drink, he'd been at his mums all afternoon. He was angry, argumentative. He couldn't even string a sentence together. When he passed out, I checked his phone and sure enough there were texts arranging to meet friends for a beer at 3pm. I pulled him up on it and he shouted abuse at me, told me he wants to leave, that we're not working out. I agreed that was for the best.
But then he got upset and told me he's going to start going to NA meetings. He admitted that sometimes he misses it. When he gets stressed he misses the relief of using. But he described his life as an addict as a living hell. He told me he loves me and he wants to make me happy. That he's sorry. He knows he's drinking too much. He said that heroin changed him, hardened him, but that I have given him a real life again. Something to live for and get better for. So now I have hope again, but that hope scares me because I'm not sure where it will take me. I don't know who I am anymore.
The saddest thing is that for those few hours he was gone I felt like I had my life back. Me and the kids and the kittens just hanging out. It was so nice. No treading on eggshells or worrying about anything. I felt calm and safe. I didn't want him to come back.
I wish I was stronger. Strong enough to walk away. But I think he knows there is a problem and he's trying to sort it out. He said tonight that he'll go to NA and start going to the gym and use all the tools that rehab gave him. I hope he means it. I hope I'm not living in blind faith.
I don't want my children growing up around this .
I asked him about his past again tonight and he talked about it a bit. About his ex girlfriend who was an addict when they met. But then he clammed up and started getting angry.
I feel so torn and twisted inside, I almost don't know up from down anymore.
In sorry if I didn't answer any questions or respond properly to your posts. I'm a bit of a mess tonight really. I think posting here makes me feel less alone. Pouring my thoughts out here saves me from sitting alone with them raging around my head.
I hear what all of you are saying and I know it's the right advice. The advice that I would give to anyone in my position. But I just can't leave. I know that if I did, I would only take him back. I hate myself for being so weak and stupid. I want to leave, to get him out but something is stopping me. I can't help thinking that he just needs time. That if I give up on him it'll just reinforce his negative opinions of himself.
Today he went out to his mums. That was at 2:30 this afternoon. I knew deep down he wasn't really going to his mums. I knew he was either going to drink or use. He came home at 9:30 steaming drunk, but denied it. Said he hadn't had a drink, he'd been at his mums all afternoon. He was angry, argumentative. He couldn't even string a sentence together. When he passed out, I checked his phone and sure enough there were texts arranging to meet friends for a beer at 3pm. I pulled him up on it and he shouted abuse at me, told me he wants to leave, that we're not working out. I agreed that was for the best.
But then he got upset and told me he's going to start going to NA meetings. He admitted that sometimes he misses it. When he gets stressed he misses the relief of using. But he described his life as an addict as a living hell. He told me he loves me and he wants to make me happy. That he's sorry. He knows he's drinking too much. He said that heroin changed him, hardened him, but that I have given him a real life again. Something to live for and get better for. So now I have hope again, but that hope scares me because I'm not sure where it will take me. I don't know who I am anymore.
The saddest thing is that for those few hours he was gone I felt like I had my life back. Me and the kids and the kittens just hanging out. It was so nice. No treading on eggshells or worrying about anything. I felt calm and safe. I didn't want him to come back.
I wish I was stronger. Strong enough to walk away. But I think he knows there is a problem and he's trying to sort it out. He said tonight that he'll go to NA and start going to the gym and use all the tools that rehab gave him. I hope he means it. I hope I'm not living in blind faith.
I don't want my children growing up around this .
I asked him about his past again tonight and he talked about it a bit. About his ex girlfriend who was an addict when they met. But then he clammed up and started getting angry.
I feel so torn and twisted inside, I almost don't know up from down anymore.
In sorry if I didn't answer any questions or respond properly to your posts. I'm a bit of a mess tonight really. I think posting here makes me feel less alone. Pouring my thoughts out here saves me from sitting alone with them raging around my head.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Ahhh sweetie, you are strong enough to walk away when your ready.
Recovery is freakin hard, and exactly like you said, it's just beginning when
you get out of rehab. I've been off meth for almost 8 years, and I still
constantly have to do work on myself to be the person I want to be.
You mentioned your kids? Would you ever want them in a relationship
such as this? Because they are learning what is okay and what is not
okay from you.
I think it's so easy to forget we are the creator of our own world.
We can be a rockstar, someone is not afraid to love themselves,
or we can fall prey to so many other things.
You are worth more than you are giving to yourself.
((((.....))))
Recovery is freakin hard, and exactly like you said, it's just beginning when
you get out of rehab. I've been off meth for almost 8 years, and I still
constantly have to do work on myself to be the person I want to be.
You mentioned your kids? Would you ever want them in a relationship
such as this? Because they are learning what is okay and what is not
okay from you.
I think it's so easy to forget we are the creator of our own world.
We can be a rockstar, someone is not afraid to love themselves,
or we can fall prey to so many other things.
You are worth more than you are giving to yourself.
((((.....))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Stop worrying about how you sound, and try to drop the stupid naïve thing. It isn’t like they come with a handbook and you so aren’t alone in how you feel at all.
Turmoil, that is where you both are sitting. He can’t fix yours, even if he were to find recovery, just as you can’t fix his no matter how much you allow yourself to bend to the point of breaking.
You words for all the confusion you may feel are showing you signs, like how nice it was to have a few hours without having to walk on eggshells. You can have that all the time. And I am sure that the walking on eggshells is very familiar to you, so remember your past and use what you learned then in the now.
If you can’t leave, then you can’t. Fixating on it will just be a distraction that keeps you in this thinking that you are weak and stupid, and you aren’t. Just as fixating on his using is a distraction as well.
What you need to do is find your why’s.
If you can seriously focus on you, and start working on you …. Which means, no more phone checking, allowing him to live as he chooses to ( remember you can live as you wish as well, in heaven or in hell, you will be the one making that choice ), no questions about his why’s cause frankly in active addiction he can’t answer anyway….check your motives, not his, check your behavior and what you are allowing to be acceptable that isn’t ….and find why you do… . Then things will all start to make sense.
He ripped you up and then put some bait out with the NA talk and such. What does it all mean, absolutely nothing, because it will be his actions that show the truth and right now his actions show addictive addiction…stay in today, not the promise of the future or the mistakes of the past, just today … and know you are worth more.
Turmoil, that is where you both are sitting. He can’t fix yours, even if he were to find recovery, just as you can’t fix his no matter how much you allow yourself to bend to the point of breaking.
You words for all the confusion you may feel are showing you signs, like how nice it was to have a few hours without having to walk on eggshells. You can have that all the time. And I am sure that the walking on eggshells is very familiar to you, so remember your past and use what you learned then in the now.
If you can’t leave, then you can’t. Fixating on it will just be a distraction that keeps you in this thinking that you are weak and stupid, and you aren’t. Just as fixating on his using is a distraction as well.
What you need to do is find your why’s.
If you can seriously focus on you, and start working on you …. Which means, no more phone checking, allowing him to live as he chooses to ( remember you can live as you wish as well, in heaven or in hell, you will be the one making that choice ), no questions about his why’s cause frankly in active addiction he can’t answer anyway….check your motives, not his, check your behavior and what you are allowing to be acceptable that isn’t ….and find why you do… . Then things will all start to make sense.
He ripped you up and then put some bait out with the NA talk and such. What does it all mean, absolutely nothing, because it will be his actions that show the truth and right now his actions show addictive addiction…stay in today, not the promise of the future or the mistakes of the past, just today … and know you are worth more.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 83
You are teaching your children that it's okay to allow someone to treat you that way. Continue with that, and you will be dealing with this drug/addiction issue with your own kids in a few years. It is up to you to save them from this cycle.
Forget about him - get busy figuring out why YOU are doing this to yourself. Your kids' future may depend on it.
Forget about him - get busy figuring out why YOU are doing this to yourself. Your kids' future may depend on it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
I have to join the chorus responding to your posts, Runawaytrain. Everything you describe is consistent with active addiction, and I would bet that he is using heroin, in addition to the alcohol and benzos. His attempt to mollify you with talk of NA and recovery sounds like classic addict manipulation to me. It's not serious enough, and not backed up with action. He is not embracing recovery, and after six years in active heroin addiction, he's not going to be able to stay clean unless he does. He's breaking all the "rules" - no recovery program, using alcohol and drugs other than his DOC, getting involved in a romantic relationship within a year of embarking on recovery. His mood swings, discomfort discussing the issue, sleeping patterns, money problems - all hallmarks of active addiction.
He is only going to embrace recovery (if ever) if HE decides to do so, and when HE is ready. You can't persuade him, or make it happen. And until he's ready, he will twist your love and support, your desire to help, into enabling behavior that allows him to continue in his addiction.
You should disengage from him unless and until he REALLY embraces recovery, because your life will become a nightmare if you continue to live with and be in a romantic relationship with an active addict. It is a progressive disease - it doesn't stay the same, but gets WORSE over time. You certainly should not be living with him.
We all understand how difficult it is to disengage from the addict you love - we've all been there, all experienced what ultimately becomes a very emotionally unhealthy attachment. If you can't disengage right now, you should at least find Alanon or Naranon meetings to attend. The face to face support of people who are going through the same type of thing that you are going through can be invaluable.
He is only going to embrace recovery (if ever) if HE decides to do so, and when HE is ready. You can't persuade him, or make it happen. And until he's ready, he will twist your love and support, your desire to help, into enabling behavior that allows him to continue in his addiction.
You should disengage from him unless and until he REALLY embraces recovery, because your life will become a nightmare if you continue to live with and be in a romantic relationship with an active addict. It is a progressive disease - it doesn't stay the same, but gets WORSE over time. You certainly should not be living with him.
We all understand how difficult it is to disengage from the addict you love - we've all been there, all experienced what ultimately becomes a very emotionally unhealthy attachment. If you can't disengage right now, you should at least find Alanon or Naranon meetings to attend. The face to face support of people who are going through the same type of thing that you are going through can be invaluable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 9
I just wanted to let you all know that I have left my boyfriend. The final straw came when he started an argument with me over nothing and walked off, leaving me to walk home on my own in the dark through a rough estate. He then turned up at my house incredibly drunk, having downed a bottle of wine. I refused to let him in and locked the door.
That one act empowered me. I suddenly realised that I didn't want to live like this. That he may never change, but I can. I realised that my girls and me deserve so much better. And I realised that the more love and energy I pour into him, the less I have for the people that really matter. The relationship was one sided. I could offer him all the love and support in the world but it wouldn't make him change, and there was no love and support for me. He was like a black hole, sucking all the emotion and joy out of me. No matter how much I gave, it would never be enough.
As soon as I made the decision, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I haven't told he kids yet because they are on holiday with their dad. I know they'll be upset for a bit but I also know I have made the right decision for all of us. They deserve a loving, stable male role model in their life. He is never going to be that man.
Thank you all so much for your time and advice. I honestly don't think I would have found the strength to leave without it.
That one act empowered me. I suddenly realised that I didn't want to live like this. That he may never change, but I can. I realised that my girls and me deserve so much better. And I realised that the more love and energy I pour into him, the less I have for the people that really matter. The relationship was one sided. I could offer him all the love and support in the world but it wouldn't make him change, and there was no love and support for me. He was like a black hole, sucking all the emotion and joy out of me. No matter how much I gave, it would never be enough.
As soon as I made the decision, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I haven't told he kids yet because they are on holiday with their dad. I know they'll be upset for a bit but I also know I have made the right decision for all of us. They deserve a loving, stable male role model in their life. He is never going to be that man.
Thank you all so much for your time and advice. I honestly don't think I would have found the strength to leave without it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by Runawaytrain29 
HeyHis drinking is a big cause for concern for me. He gets through at least a bottle of wine a night and is very secretive about it - hiding drink around the house, defending his drinking even though I never ask or question him about it. I don't like who he becomes when he drinks - that is when his aggressive and argumentative side is at its worst. I told him I don't like it and he promises to stop but he hasn't yet. He also takes Benzo's (valium etc) as despite his constant sleeping during the day, he struggles to sleep at night.
To try to understand why I have created a situation I now feel trapped in. Why I allowed someone to move in with us after 3 months even though I wasn't comfortable with it. It's all too much, too soon.
I don't really know whats happened to me but my friends have already seen a difference and asked what's wrong but I can't tell them. I can't tell anyone. I suppose I feel completely lost and confused. But maybe that's my own fault? Maybe i'm over reacting.
one of the things that scares me is that recently when he has talked about heroin it is almost fondly. He talks about how good it was with a kind of peverse pleasure that scares me. I hate it when he talks like that, it scares me. And yes, that is the cycle. I couldn't have described it any better myself. He will pick an argument even though there is nothing to argue about. Why does it happen? What is the use of the cycle of arguing and making up. Saying horrible, hurtful things one minute and then being sweet and loving the next. It's exhausting and confusing. The sad thing is, we should still be in the honeymoon period. It's all been rushed and ruined. Things shouldn't be like this so early on but I know I had my own part to play in that.
I feel like he just needs time and space and patience. Someone to stand by him until he can see that good in himself.
To try to understand why I have created a situation I now feel trapped in. Why I allowed someone to move in with us after 3 months even though I wasn't comfortable with it. It's all too much, too soon.
I don't really know whats happened to me but my friends have already seen a difference and asked what's wrong but I can't tell them. I can't tell anyone. I suppose I feel completely lost and confused. But maybe that's my own fault? Maybe i'm over reacting.
one of the things that scares me is that recently when he has talked about heroin it is almost fondly. He talks about how good it was with a kind of peverse pleasure that scares me. I hate it when he talks like that, it scares me. And yes, that is the cycle. I couldn't have described it any better myself. He will pick an argument even though there is nothing to argue about. Why does it happen? What is the use of the cycle of arguing and making up. Saying horrible, hurtful things one minute and then being sweet and loving the next. It's exhausting and confusing. The sad thing is, we should still be in the honeymoon period. It's all been rushed and ruined. Things shouldn't be like this so early on but I know I had my own part to play in that.
I feel like he just needs time and space and patience. Someone to stand by him until he can see that good in himself.
He is a moocher user addict..Get him out of your house. Get him away from your kids. Get yourself to a counselor and find out you feel that LOVE NEEDS TO HURT. Because it does not hurt sweetheart. Love doesn't hurt. Not even when you are dealing w/ a recovering addict. Which he is not. He is not recovering. He isn't even sober.
You are NOT OVER REACTING..you are living with a drug user. You aren't living w/ a sober, loving caring person.
Talking about your drug of choice lovinginly should SCARE the pants off of you...that is addict behaviour.
He is an aggressive user if you have these break ups and make ups. Does he hit you? Do you feel like he might? Are the scars he is leaving all over your body and soul more emotional than physical? Get away from that sweet heart you deserve to be loved but not by that.
Finally, you say - I feel like he just needs time and space and patience. Someone to stand by him until he can see that good in himself.
He does need time and space...give it to him. Get away from him. Don't let him chase you. Suggestion that he work steps, stop drinking, get clean and SOBER and learn a better way..
Finally, about you - -
What drugs are you using or considering using? Are you thinking, even a little bit about using? Just to fit in w/ his addict ways? To experience him on his own terms? How much are you drinking? With him? alone?
It is slippery slope sweetheart...and you on the sprial slide down to shitsville....
stop this crazy making..this isn't love sweetheart... it sounds to me like abuse and you are so much more deserving than that.
At my last AlAnon meeting a wise old woman said - you can love the person, not the addiction...in this case, is this person or was this person ever Lovable? You can't save him...only a good program and other addicts who are sober can...
get out before you become your own type of addict.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
sorry sweet heart...didn't see your last POST my heart lept...be strong! You are a wonderful woman full of the most best type of love a person's heart can hold and you deserve to share that with someone who can hold it gently like the gem it is...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
