springerworthy

Financial destruction forced my husband of 10 years to admit to being on heroin or other opiates for the last 15 years. I knew of his addiction "long before we met". I was naïve and didn't know what I was getting into. He's had a couple of relapses that we worked through on our own or so I thought. Now he is in rehab and says he has told me countless lies throughout our marriage to continue using. I know my head has been in the sand but in my defense, he has held the same job all these years and they love him and say he's a great worker, he has legitimate reasons to be on prescribed pain medicine which allowed him to explain any suspicious tired or achy feelings when he was "coming down" I guess you'd call it? He is smart and sweet and we get along fine and love each other even though we obviously have problems. I am supposed to write a letter telling him how his addiction has affected me. I am so conflicted. Right now I could probably blame every single problem we've ever had on his addiction and that could be correct but how the heck am I supposed to know if that is fair or not? He's been drugged up our entire marriage?! How am I supposed to know what's real? If I write a letter right now as requested the only thing I know for sure is that he has cost us a ton of money and ruined my trust in him. I guess I can't ask for advice without more details. I just thought I'd jump in and make my first post. See what happens. This is a great site. Learning a lot.

DecBaby

I just wanted to say hello and welcome. Great screen name by the way. I first came to this site when my husband was in rehab and I was pregnant with our third child. I was also an addict too and this site helped me stay clean while I was pregnant. I'm sorry I don't have advice. It didn't work out with my husband. I just wanted to let you know I can relate that's it's a hard time.

Ann

Welcome to SR.

First, you don't have to do anything you are uncomfortable doing, no matter who makes the request.

And, what you said above says it all right now, more than that would only elaborate.

What helped me find my balance and begin healing when my son's addiction kicked my soul, was to find a meeting for me and begin finding a healthier way to live...regardless of how my sons addiction/recovery worked out.

Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are 3 similar fellowships that have helped so many of us here. Maybe find some meetings near you and give it a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs

pravchaw

Hi Springer worthy, I have a blog post on rehab and coping for family members which helped me.

Kkcr

I am new here as well and my husband went through rehab last month for drugs and alcohol. His drug abuse was short lived, about 6 months, and believed to be a reaction to a health crisis. I was somewhat in the dark- I did ask him repeatedly if he was doing drugs as his behavior was drastically different and he was somewhat hostile toward me through this time which is something he never was toward me in the past. Very withdrawn from our family( our kids) and from our friends . I did not have to write a letter but I did go to a 3 1/2 day family program that helped me understand the disease of addiction.
He is home now but I am constantly worried he is slipping and I have absolutely
Zero trust in him. I love him and have vowed to stay with him but it is very difficult when I am constantly anxious about where he is and what he is doing. I hope to be able to trust him in the future but right now I just try to make it through each day without crying.
Sorry for the venting- probably wanted more advice but I do not feel very qualified to give any!

KariSue

Maybe you could just write what you wrote above. It is an honest assessment of what you are feeling. Below is the part I would say and add a line or two if you think of something more.

"I am so conflicted. Right now I could probably blame every single problem we've ever had on his addiction and that could be correct but how the heck am I supposed to know if that is fair or not? He's been drugged up our entire marriage?! How am I supposed to know what's real? If I write a letter right now as requested the only thing I know for sure is that he has cost us a ton of money and ruined my trust in him."

Just a thought.

Kari

BlueChair

Hi, I am new here too. My husband has been in rehab for about 3 weeks now. I havent had to write a letter or anything, but I agree what you shared here sounds like it explains your current confusion, pain. I dont think they can expect you to have all your feelings sorted out so quickly. I know I am finding just now finding out how bad some things were, its going to take time for me to figure it all out. I cant share much more, but wanted to say hi.

springerworthy

Thank you to all who replied. I went to a family program today and talked to his counselor who told me the letter right now was more important for me than him and said I could take as long as I needed. He said the same as you - get to an alanon meeting ASAP. I have to wait until tomorrow. On another note the forum rules say no "debates" about treatment programs. Does that mean I can't talk about the pros and cons of taking the center's advice as far as time there?

wicked

Hello springerworthy,

I am so happy you found this site.
You will find great support and insight here.

I think you can talk about the pros and cons of anything that relates to you
personally.

I am not sure if that answers your question or not, but the "debates" usually
center around whether a particular program works or not, and that is not
what the forum is about (to me).
This forum is to support those who are seeking help coping with their loved
one's addiction, no matter what program they choose.

Please keep coming back.

Beth