How to communicate with an addict / alcoholic
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
How to communicate with an addict / alcoholic
I'd like to tap into your experience on communicating with your loved one. What works best?
Some of the tips I can share to get us started are:
1) Don't get angry - always stay calm. If you get angry you have lost the conversation.
2) Don't label or attack your loved one. For example do not call your loved one an addict or an alcoholic. Its Ok for them to admit not for you to label.
3) Talk in "I" statements i.e. when you are out drinking, I get worried and cannot sleep" vs. "you are a irresponsible, uncaring lower life form".
4) Be positive and hopeful.
Lately I have been thinking that all conversations do not have to be about addiction. (Because I now see my son maybe once a week - our brief conversations naturally veers towards addiction or treatment etc. I am always trying to gauge if he is at his bottom or not? Is the desire to get better on the horizon? I know its not my business).
Please share your experience, tips and techniques when dealing with active addiction.
Some of the tips I can share to get us started are:
1) Don't get angry - always stay calm. If you get angry you have lost the conversation.
2) Don't label or attack your loved one. For example do not call your loved one an addict or an alcoholic. Its Ok for them to admit not for you to label.
3) Talk in "I" statements i.e. when you are out drinking, I get worried and cannot sleep" vs. "you are a irresponsible, uncaring lower life form".
4) Be positive and hopeful.
Lately I have been thinking that all conversations do not have to be about addiction. (Because I now see my son maybe once a week - our brief conversations naturally veers towards addiction or treatment etc. I am always trying to gauge if he is at his bottom or not? Is the desire to get better on the horizon? I know its not my business).
Please share your experience, tips and techniques when dealing with active addiction.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Speak to them as you would any other member of the family. If they make you laugh- laugh. If they make you angry- get angry. Insults and name-calling are never acceptable and would reflect more on your character or lack there of than theirs. Don't interrogate them about their addiction, their hemorrhoids, or any other health issue. If they bring any of it up, wait for the question, before offering unsolicited advice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I have found that I couldn't communicate with my xah. There was too much hurt. 
I was so hurt that he abandoned us, and I couldn't trust anything that he ever said. He held information back, lied and just constantly disappointed. It is sad. It was very very very hard. I don't see him anymore, but the first year we probably talked maybe 3 times on the phone. These conversations were full of just denial and talking in circles. Sadly, no contact is bliss.
I was so hurt that he abandoned us, and I couldn't trust anything that he ever said. He held information back, lied and just constantly disappointed. It is sad. It was very very very hard. I don't see him anymore, but the first year we probably talked maybe 3 times on the phone. These conversations were full of just denial and talking in circles. Sadly, no contact is bliss.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
As someone coming from both sides of the addiction fence, I can only say this.
I became an A because it was my "way" of dealing with XABF#1. Yes, I say one, as I had three!
I wasn't raised this way, have no idea why I became a codie, but I did.
As an RA? Preaching, begging, etc. will do no good. We are stuck in our addiction and will defend it relentlessly, until (IF) we hit bottom.
I currently live with my dad (the classic enabler) and my stepmom (sm) who is an addict. I've learned, the hard way, that they don't hear what I say. It does NO good to confront sm when she is slurring her speech and insists she hasn't taken anything.
It does NO good to confront my dad when he, one minute wants to throw away her pills, ten minutes later says "but she IS in pain".
I detach. I share what I've learned, when the time comes up, but otherwise? I stay out of it. I can't fix either of them. I can only work towards MY goals (which is to get the hello out of this house!!)
Confronting has done no good. Arguing has done no good. They have to walk their own paths, and I need to walk mine. It isn't always easy (as in seeing sm passed out yesterday) but it's NOT MY PROBLEM (NMP).
I work on me, I share what I can when the times come up, but that's all I can do. MY serenity and sanity is now my priority, but I admit....it took quite a while of reading posts on this forum to get there.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I became an A because it was my "way" of dealing with XABF#1. Yes, I say one, as I had three!
I wasn't raised this way, have no idea why I became a codie, but I did.
As an RA? Preaching, begging, etc. will do no good. We are stuck in our addiction and will defend it relentlessly, until (IF) we hit bottom.
I currently live with my dad (the classic enabler) and my stepmom (sm) who is an addict. I've learned, the hard way, that they don't hear what I say. It does NO good to confront sm when she is slurring her speech and insists she hasn't taken anything.
It does NO good to confront my dad when he, one minute wants to throw away her pills, ten minutes later says "but she IS in pain".
I detach. I share what I've learned, when the time comes up, but otherwise? I stay out of it. I can't fix either of them. I can only work towards MY goals (which is to get the hello out of this house!!)
Confronting has done no good. Arguing has done no good. They have to walk their own paths, and I need to walk mine. It isn't always easy (as in seeing sm passed out yesterday) but it's NOT MY PROBLEM (NMP).
I work on me, I share what I can when the times come up, but that's all I can do. MY serenity and sanity is now my priority, but I admit....it took quite a while of reading posts on this forum to get there.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Not thinking so cynical 
Even if I will add a what she said.
The speaking to them the same as you would anyone else is so vitally important. It might **** your other kids off, but then they might need the learning that is in that. I know my one daughter did. Her perception was very off.
And I would also add:
Don’t react in any form in the conversations because each reaction is a little tell tale sign of where you will give in, where your fear is and what it will take to put you all in the game.
Talk to them viewing them as capable, intelligent human beings.
Remembering no matter what you say if your heart isn’t on the same page, if your words lack conviction they will see it in your eyes.
I was also very big on turning the question back on my son. I have to say allowing him to talk and talk, even knowing when it was some scam, allowed him to really learn from his own words. There was no reason to interject, to disagree, to point out the obvious, as if he didn’t know his life was a mess.
Oh and Prachaw. Do you really need to go no contact, for you? Will that fix anything inside of you, that can’t be fixed by just accepting the truth as it is in the moment, and letting go?
Even if I will add a what she said.
The speaking to them the same as you would anyone else is so vitally important. It might **** your other kids off, but then they might need the learning that is in that. I know my one daughter did. Her perception was very off.
And I would also add:
Don’t react in any form in the conversations because each reaction is a little tell tale sign of where you will give in, where your fear is and what it will take to put you all in the game.
Talk to them viewing them as capable, intelligent human beings.
Remembering no matter what you say if your heart isn’t on the same page, if your words lack conviction they will see it in your eyes.
I was also very big on turning the question back on my son. I have to say allowing him to talk and talk, even knowing when it was some scam, allowed him to really learn from his own words. There was no reason to interject, to disagree, to point out the obvious, as if he didn’t know his life was a mess.
Oh and Prachaw. Do you really need to go no contact, for you? Will that fix anything inside of you, that can’t be fixed by just accepting the truth as it is in the moment, and letting go?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't say it mean.
Anger is the illusion of control. (Translate....he who gets angry loses.)
Accept that they have a right to live their lives the way they choose....even if we vehemently disagree.
Love them.....but remember that unconditional love does not mean that we unconditionally accept unacceptable behavior.
Learn how to control knee jerk reactions.
Be ok with walking away.
Never ever let them see you sweat (fear).
gentle hugs
ke
Anger is the illusion of control. (Translate....he who gets angry loses.)
Accept that they have a right to live their lives the way they choose....even if we vehemently disagree.
Love them.....but remember that unconditional love does not mean that we unconditionally accept unacceptable behavior.
Learn how to control knee jerk reactions.
Be ok with walking away.
Never ever let them see you sweat (fear).
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 83
I reached a point where I could not watch my son continue as an addict. I told him that it was his choice and right to be whatever he wanted to be, addict or not, but I also had the right to choose to not have a relationship with him. Vitally important, I told him I believed he had the ability to choose sobriety, but the right to not choose it.
This was a huge gamble because I didn't WANT to end our relationship, but I gambled on the hope that he would feel that was his bottom - losing his relationship with his mother.
This was excruciatingly hard to do, but I also couldn't go on pretending like all was okay.
That's my opinion based on the son I know and love. I had to tell him to stay away from me unless he was seeking my support to get into recovery. After a bit of time, he reached out to me. He has been clean since dec 2012, spent 7 months in SLE, and just this week moved into an apt with another recovering addict friend. Friend has been clean for a year.
My son credits God for saving him, but also says he probably wouldn't have reached his bottom if I hadn't taken that position with him. I'm not taking credit for the hard work he did and the power of God to reach my son. I just did what I had to do to survive the insanity of his addiction.
This was a huge gamble because I didn't WANT to end our relationship, but I gambled on the hope that he would feel that was his bottom - losing his relationship with his mother.
This was excruciatingly hard to do, but I also couldn't go on pretending like all was okay.
That's my opinion based on the son I know and love. I had to tell him to stay away from me unless he was seeking my support to get into recovery. After a bit of time, he reached out to me. He has been clean since dec 2012, spent 7 months in SLE, and just this week moved into an apt with another recovering addict friend. Friend has been clean for a year.
My son credits God for saving him, but also says he probably wouldn't have reached his bottom if I hadn't taken that position with him. I'm not taking credit for the hard work he did and the power of God to reach my son. I just did what I had to do to survive the insanity of his addiction.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
When my husband was in rehab, I was introduced to CRAFT (community reinforcement and family training) through my therapist (who was actually a psychiatrist with a phD; I long ago began referring to her as “therapist” to save backtalk here on the forum). Anyway, what I learned through this was communication, communication, communication. I wish I had been aware of this particular method when my husband was in active addiction because it has proven results in getting people into treatment by their own volition. I did use it all through his rehab, and first year of recovery as those are trying times too. Part of CRAFT is for you too though, it teaches you self care and boundaries, and like other programs its benefits reach outside of the realm of addiction, and Ive found it helpful in dealing with employees too. There is getting to be more and more information available about CRAFT; its endorsed by NIDA, partnership for Drug Free America to name just a few. One book that helps with this is called: Get Your loved one Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, Threatening by Robert Meyers. If you want to step away from the PhD people then go over to the SMART recovery site and work with the family forum there, because this is what they endorse too. They have some very experienced people there who can help you learn the methods
Talking to your son when he is not high is best, treating him with respect, being very careful of your own reactions as they elicit specific responses from him (think about your last visit and see if you can break it down into I said, he said, I felt…. might help). Don’t nag, threaten, plead, don’t make everything about his situation, his illness because he is most likely very aware of it and there is shame, low self-esteem often associated with this too. Sometimes we focus so much on the negative we overlook positive actions, or opportunities for positive interactions together or as a family that could be enjoyable for all.
Talking to your son when he is not high is best, treating him with respect, being very careful of your own reactions as they elicit specific responses from him (think about your last visit and see if you can break it down into I said, he said, I felt…. might help). Don’t nag, threaten, plead, don’t make everything about his situation, his illness because he is most likely very aware of it and there is shame, low self-esteem often associated with this too. Sometimes we focus so much on the negative we overlook positive actions, or opportunities for positive interactions together or as a family that could be enjoyable for all.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
All. I have read this book and have this. It mostly revolves around persuading addicts to get into treatment. Works best if the person is living with you, or an intimate relationship. Harder in my case when the person is living apart and contact is limited.
One book that helps with this is called: Get Your loved one Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, Threatening by Robert Meyers.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Inciting and/or Cynical,
Your posts have me really thinking now. Personally, I don't like to take to engage with someone who is high or drunk and have difficulty acting as if I am not annoyed. I hate to be lied to or manipulated too so for me, I do my best not to avoid it.
I am also confused about this....if we act like their isnt a problem, wouldn't that just be enabling?? I kind of feel like that just feeds into the denial of addiction.
Please feel free (like you 2 need permission, lol) to tell me where my thinking is off. Thank you.
Your posts have me really thinking now. Personally, I don't like to take to engage with someone who is high or drunk and have difficulty acting as if I am not annoyed. I hate to be lied to or manipulated too so for me, I do my best not to avoid it.
I am also confused about this....if we act like their isnt a problem, wouldn't that just be enabling?? I kind of feel like that just feeds into the denial of addiction.
Please feel free (like you 2 need permission, lol) to tell me where my thinking is off. Thank you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by pravchaw 
All. I have read this book and have this. It mostly revolves around persuading addicts to get into treatment. Works best if the person is living with you, or an intimate relationship. Harder in my case when the person is living apart and contact is limited.
The healthier I become, the healthier all my relationships become. It was kind of shocking to see how I allowed one relationship to hurt so many others because my husbands addiction became my obsession.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I would recommend a bullhorn. You know those big cone looking speaker things they use for crowd control. That way you can shout really loud, and not go hoarse doing it.
Not like they are listening, anyway.
That is my helpful tip for the day.
Not like they are listening, anyway.
That is my helpful tip for the day.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Inciting and/or Cynical,
Your posts have me really thinking now. Personally, I don't like to take to engage with someone who is high or drunk and have difficulty acting as if I am not annoyed. I hate to be lied to or manipulated too so for me, I do my best not to avoid it.
I am also confused about this....if we act like their isnt a problem, wouldn't that just be enabling?? I kind of feel like that just feeds into the denial of addiction.
Please feel free (like you 2 need permission, lol) to tell me where my thinking is off. Thank you.
Your posts have me really thinking now. Personally, I don't like to take to engage with someone who is high or drunk and have difficulty acting as if I am not annoyed. I hate to be lied to or manipulated too so for me, I do my best not to avoid it.
I am also confused about this....if we act like their isnt a problem, wouldn't that just be enabling?? I kind of feel like that just feeds into the denial of addiction.
Please feel free (like you 2 need permission, lol) to tell me where my thinking is off. Thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Great discussion, keep on sharing your insights. I am learning a lot from this.
Robert Myers book say that Its more important to communicate properly and sparingly at the right time and place and with the right tone. If done properly, CRAFT can help the addict recognize the need for treatment and not trigger anger and resentment in the loved one.
We can spend hours, days, months and years trying to "fix" someone else or we can spend our energy and time fixing the only thing we truly can...ourselves.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
CO, I am still at an early stage of my learning regarding addiction. But I assure you no one is feeding me anything. My opinions or thoughts may prove to be incorrect but they are my own. I am absorbing information from various sources at this stage and have not formed rigid thought patterns. Please continue to share your thoughts. You obviously have a lot of experience dealing with addiction and the clarity that comes with it.
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