Why ARE we codependents?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 34
Why ARE we codependents?
I have had some time and space to sit and think about why I stayed in a bad relationship for so long. I am still having trouble finding the answer. Yesterday my husband was very angry because it dawned on him that I wasn't coming back. I had left under the presumption that if he got better I might return. He does not want to change or even look at himself, so he knows it's over. Anyway, I find myself FEELING BAD for his pain and suffering. EVEN THOUGH he put me through nearly a decade of stress, anxiety, worry, fear and financial struggle. It's such a strong need to be responsible for his feelings that I could almost go running back just to try and "make it better". When I look at this from a distance I see how ridiculous and destructive it would be for both of us. So why is this pull so strong and why can't I sit comfortably with his pain? After all, it's the pain that he needs to feel if he is ever to come to terms with his problems.
Have any of you dealt with this sort of tension? How do we disentangle ourselves? God, I hope I don't get into another codependent relationship after this one. I don't trust myself!
Have any of you dealt with this sort of tension? How do we disentangle ourselves? God, I hope I don't get into another codependent relationship after this one. I don't trust myself!
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I think I was born codependent or at least brought up in such a way that it was ingrained in me at an early age. I wasn't even aware that I was codependent until I married my exAH, I just always knew that I got overly involved in people's problems and tried to fix things for others..
I too am terrified of ending up in another codependent situation, that's why I'm staying out of relationships for a good long time and working on my boundaries and a set of standards for myself that most people will think is ridiculously high...
Like an addict is always an addict, I will always be a codependent... I will always need to be aware when I'm crossing into others boundaries and not taking care of myself... It will be a lifelong journey
I too am terrified of ending up in another codependent situation, that's why I'm staying out of relationships for a good long time and working on my boundaries and a set of standards for myself that most people will think is ridiculously high...
Like an addict is always an addict, I will always be a codependent... I will always need to be aware when I'm crossing into others boundaries and not taking care of myself... It will be a lifelong journey
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I have codependent behaviors because it was taught to me at a very early age. My mother was abandoned by her mother and that's how it all started.
I still see my therapist and am shedding these learned behaviors one by one, with determination and commitment. It's been really nice seeing my RAD and the rest of our small family shedding them as well
Recovery has been contagious around here
I still see my therapist and am shedding these learned behaviors one by one, with determination and commitment. It's been really nice seeing my RAD and the rest of our small family shedding them as well
Recovery has been contagious around here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 34
I hear that saying "once a codependent, always a codependent" and then I hear stories of recovery. I hope for recovery for all of us! I don't really see my mother as a codependent. I think my dad is! In fact, now that I think about it, I remember my dad telling me it was my job to make sure my mother was happy. That was probably the beginning of it. Wow--- that was a realization right there!
Do any of you get snagged by your family members just when you think you're getting better and find yourselves backsliding? To be fair, I've only been separated from my husband for about 6 weeks, but I find myself getting sucked back in to his and his family's drama. It's frustrating.
Do any of you get snagged by your family members just when you think you're getting better and find yourselves backsliding? To be fair, I've only been separated from my husband for about 6 weeks, but I find myself getting sucked back in to his and his family's drama. It's frustrating.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by chickaree777 
I hear that saying "once a codependent, always a codependent" and then I hear stories of recovery. I hope for recovery for all of us! I don't really see my mother as a codependent. I think my dad is! In fact, now that I think about it, I remember my dad telling me it was my job to make sure my mother was happy. That was probably the beginning of it. Wow--- that was a realization right there!
Do any of you get snagged by your family members just when you think you're getting better and find yourselves backsliding? To be fair, I've only been separated from my husband for about 6 weeks, but I find myself getting sucked back in to his and his family's drama. It's frustrating.
Do any of you get snagged by your family members just when you think you're getting better and find yourselves backsliding? To be fair, I've only been separated from my husband for about 6 weeks, but I find myself getting sucked back in to his and his family's drama. It's frustrating.
When I was going through my divorce with my addict, I basically ended up going NC from my former in-laws... This helped me to keep a clear head and stay on the path that I needed to be on..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 34
I would do that except that my son still wants to see his grandparents and cousins so to cut off all contact with the inlaws is hard. But I could do it temporarily just to get my head screwed on straight... This is tough!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
I think we assume the codependent with the same unconditional love as we would for blood family or children at least in my marriage adding addiction to a relationship or blood makes for the same issues of behavior.However I must separate the relationship of this entitlement .I have a choice I get all the ( It's a disease ) but I must remove myself from this equation or any addict will destroy themselves and me along with them.I don't think for one second I can out smart the addict they are cunning and extremely dangerous only driven by one thing ( MORE!!) in active using its futile just walk away even in recovery there are screws lose.I walked away I can't watch anymore it's been 3 months and my life feels good.No more detective questions and stupid answers,No more cover ups to my unhappiness I will accept my personal issues just the way they are,However I can't fix the addict and they don't just go away they either self destruct or they get screws lose pick your poison
Ovid
Ovid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 34
No, we can't fix the addict. And I keep getting pulled in by his family. His mother insists we just need marriage counseling. And insists that it's better for our son if we are together. I disagree. And really, it is completely unfair for his mother to tell me I should try to get him to change. She's essentially asking me to fix him, because she tried and can't!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by chickaree777
No, we can't fix the addict. And I keep getting pulled in by his family. His mother insists we just need marriage counseling. And insists that it's better for our son if we are together. I disagree. And really, it is completely unfair for his mother to tell me I should try to get him to change. She's essentially asking me to fix him, because she tried and can't!
Ovid
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 17
I know how you feel. I've only been talking and getting to know someone for 3 months and I'm already in the trap. It's confusing. You know what's best for you and know what you should be doing, but sometimes you can't. You feel the pain the other person is feeling. You're lucky that you're strong enough to leave tho. Of course it's not easy, but it's what is best for you. You can't save everyone & not everyone will be pleased. That is one thing I've learned.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I honestly don't know how I became a codie. I was brought up by loving parents (their only addiction was to cigarettes), raised to believe that I could be anything I wanted.
My first bf? A functioning alcoholic. Both my parents worried about it, tried to talk sense into me, but I wasn't hearing it.
My codependency turned into addiction in order to "put up or deal with" the bf.
I sunk into a deep hole with my addiction, finally decided to deal with the addiction and codie behaviors at the same time.
I STILL don't know what caused my codie behaviors. All the things I read, put blame on my parents, and I don't agree with that.
Bottom line? I don't know, but I do know recovery from addiction AND codependency is possible, and I have the great folks at SR to thank for that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My first bf? A functioning alcoholic. Both my parents worried about it, tried to talk sense into me, but I wasn't hearing it.
My codependency turned into addiction in order to "put up or deal with" the bf.
I sunk into a deep hole with my addiction, finally decided to deal with the addiction and codie behaviors at the same time.
I STILL don't know what caused my codie behaviors. All the things I read, put blame on my parents, and I don't agree with that.
Bottom line? I don't know, but I do know recovery from addiction AND codependency is possible, and I have the great folks at SR to thank for that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
My mother was the blame, and therefore I became that as well. Dysfunctional family dynamics were a huge part in it all. My dad was highly codependent, sadly still is and it breaks my heart ... and my mother is a mean alcoholic minus the alcohol. Her mother was an alcoholic. My father I found out in my 40's was abused by his dad ... and it so makes sense how gentle he was with me, and yet how he let my mother do what she did for so long to me ... maybe seen as normal to him as it was done to him.
I certainly am not here where I am today by happenstance.
Of course once sick, then it becomes a normal. And you take that into adulthood and then proceed to teach you own children how to be unhealthy. If nothing else, the only thing I ever found important was breaking the cycle. It even has repeated, which is way twisted. I don't play along.
It makes so much sense why I took drugs, where I compromised myself then. I see addict first, codie second but most likely it is one in the same just a different fixation in the moment .... why I became codie, why I though it was no big deal to marry a drug user at 18 ... seriously.
And yet I wouldn't dare change a thing...
I certainly am not here where I am today by happenstance.
Of course once sick, then it becomes a normal. And you take that into adulthood and then proceed to teach you own children how to be unhealthy. If nothing else, the only thing I ever found important was breaking the cycle. It even has repeated, which is way twisted. I don't play along.
It makes so much sense why I took drugs, where I compromised myself then. I see addict first, codie second but most likely it is one in the same just a different fixation in the moment .... why I became codie, why I though it was no big deal to marry a drug user at 18 ... seriously.
And yet I wouldn't dare change a thing...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I hear that saying "once a codependent, always a codependent" and then I hear stories of recovery.
The crux of my codependence is that I am uncomfortable with other people being uncomfortable. I "help" or "enable" to relieve my OWN discomfort.....to the detriment of the other person.
Codependence is often done under the guise of being super nice (particularly from the perspective of the codependent!!). Remember the old adage "the road to hell is paved by good intentions"? THAT saying describes codependence perfectly. (I've laid my share of paving stones on that road.).
Just my two cents......which is worth......about two cents.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
[QUOTE=Kindeyes;4113079]I am a codependent in recovery. Why would I agree with the statement "once a codependent, always a codependent"? Because the behaviors are so engrained in my DNA that I could easily allow myself to fall back into codependent behaviors if I didn't keep it in check.
The crux of my codependence is that I am uncomfortable with other people being uncomfortable. I "help" or "enable" to relieve my OWN discomfort.....to the detriment of the other person.
Codependence is often done under the guise of being super nice (particularly from the perspective of the codependent!!). Remember the old adage "the road to hell is paved by good intentions"? THAT saying describes codependence perfectly. (I've laid my share of paving stones on that road.).
Just my two cents......which is worth......about two cents.
Very very well stated.Its about good intentions and the comfort and as well the uncomfortable feelings .If I look back,all the signals were there very loud and clear but like a cute little bird with a broken little wing and some feathers missing I thought I could help I had no idea what I was getting into it lasted 27 years 8 rehabs 2 kids 22 and 26 and I woke up one day and felt like a stranger in my home,It was like the cage had been left open I walked away and left 3 months ago and I haven't look back ,I love my grown children with all my heart last night at dinner my daughter and son asked me dad don't go back be happy live your life and thank you for always being there with your love and attention that was my intervention
Jeff
The crux of my codependence is that I am uncomfortable with other people being uncomfortable. I "help" or "enable" to relieve my OWN discomfort.....to the detriment of the other person.
Codependence is often done under the guise of being super nice (particularly from the perspective of the codependent!!). Remember the old adage "the road to hell is paved by good intentions"? THAT saying describes codependence perfectly. (I've laid my share of paving stones on that road.).
Just my two cents......which is worth......about two cents.
Very very well stated.Its about good intentions and the comfort and as well the uncomfortable feelings .If I look back,all the signals were there very loud and clear but like a cute little bird with a broken little wing and some feathers missing I thought I could help I had no idea what I was getting into it lasted 27 years 8 rehabs 2 kids 22 and 26 and I woke up one day and felt like a stranger in my home,It was like the cage had been left open I walked away and left 3 months ago and I haven't look back ,I love my grown children with all my heart last night at dinner my daughter and son asked me dad don't go back be happy live your life and thank you for always being there with your love and attention that was my intervention
Jeff
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I don't really consider my self a codependent I was a disengaged father when my son was growing up. Now that he has a substance problem, I feel a need to fix it (over compensation on my part). It is slowly dawning on me that I cannot until he wants it himself. My son's problems remain top of mind and spend most of my time thinking about it and it has taken my enjoyment of life away. I am hoping I will get over it and accept the way things are.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by pravchaw
I don't really consider my self a codependent I was a disengaged father when my son was growing up. Now that he has a substance problem, I feel a need to fix it (over compensation on my part). It is slowly dawning on me that I cannot until he wants it himself. My son's problems remain top of mind and spend most of my time thinking about it and it has taken my enjoyment of life away. I am hoping I will get over it and accept the way things are.
You just described codependency.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
I think I learned codependency from my mother.
Her father was an alcoholic and a pill popper. He was somewhat violent and
screamed a lot. My mother sometimes talked, especially in her old age, about how
awful it was to bring friends home as a kid.
She learned to be very sensitive to "other people's discomfort" early on. Walking
on egg shells and all that. (Was her dad going to get angry? Were her friends ok?)
I think she showed her children codependency.
I am terrified I am showing my 3 year old daughter the same thing.
Her father was an alcoholic and a pill popper. He was somewhat violent and
screamed a lot. My mother sometimes talked, especially in her old age, about how
awful it was to bring friends home as a kid.
She learned to be very sensitive to "other people's discomfort" early on. Walking
on egg shells and all that. (Was her dad going to get angry? Were her friends ok?)
I think she showed her children codependency.
I am terrified I am showing my 3 year old daughter the same thing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
You just described codependency.
I think I will start another thread on this rather than take this one somewhere else.
Kari
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I am codependent because I am an ACA. I had no idea. I just didn't see it. Wow about denial there!
The Laundry List for ACA: The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
That list was so eye opening for me.
I am so glad to be in recovery!
The Laundry List for ACA: The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
That list was so eye opening for me.
I am so glad to be in recovery!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
