He bought Morphine?
 

After 25 years of marriage, I left my AH over 6 months ago, and have found MYSELF again. Unfortunately, even though my AH has hit rock bottom and has lost his family...he continues to find ways to feed his addiction. I found out that he is now buying Morphine. My heart breaks for him, but he can no longer be my problem. I have tried too many times...but my heart still breaks for him. I will not go back - moving forward with the divorce which can't come soon enough. I thought it would get better for him once he hit rock bottom; I thought all those times in counseling, NA, rehab, etc., would help him. Nothing has. It is very sad. I am afraid he is just going to be gone someday. I feel sad...but there is nothing more I can or should do. Twenty-five years is a long time with someone to just not care, but I can't care...I can't take care of him any longer...I have done too much for him already. I need to focus on moving forward, but every once in a while, i bump into someone who tells me how AH is doing, and it brings me right back to a very dark place that I don't want to be...but then I end up worrying about him all night. Does the cycle ever end? What's next heroin???:headbange

Could you tell your mutual acquaintances that you no longer want updates about your AH? Could you let them know that you are trying to move on and focus on your life and doing good things for yourself rather than staying wrapped up in what he is doing?

Over time it gets easier to detach.......I know my XAH has led a pretty sad life. Do I care? I would say yes....I care in the same manner that I care about people who are suffering all over the world due to one thing or another. But I stopped feeling that icky feeling in my gut a very long time ago. I stopped obsessing.

It is hard. Very hard. It's ok to tell people that you know they mean well when they give you updates but that it's just too upsetting to hear. Most people will stop......and if they don't.......it's ok to avoid them for a while.

Keep taking care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

I agree with this suggestion. I have a mutual friend who for some reason thinks it's necessary to update me with my ex-girlfriend's status, job, social life, etc. This friend is a "collector" of information, she phrases her updates in a very "I'm sorry to tell you this, but" type of way.

In the end I realized that part of getting well is moving on, and finding new social circles. At middle-age it's not easy, but it's a new challenge and I like what I'm finding out about myself. Sorry to make this about "me", but I am just speaking from my experience.

As DG said, it might be time to tell your friends to stop with the updates, and for you to stop looking for them. Think about it this way - would it make you feel better to know that he's happy, healthy, and in a new relationship? No. Either way, thinking about this guy is toxic because there is no answer that will make you feel better.

It's good to see you again. I am so happy to hear that you have found yourself again.

My good friend left her husband after 25 years too after he relapsed yet again. He is currently still smoking crack, looks terrible and has no contact with his only child.

She, too, finds it very heartbreaking but then remembers that he has the tools when or if he is ready. He is living the life he chooses and she needed too. She needed to save herself. And so did you and that's ok.

I hope this helps. :)

Friday, July 5, 2013

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Survivor Guilt

We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves. Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves.

Then it hits. Guilt.

Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we've left behind - those not recovering, those still in pain. This survivor guilt is a symptom of codependency.

We may think about the husband we've divorced who is still drinking. We may dwell on a child, grown or adult, still in pain. We may get a phone call from a non-recovering parent who relates his or her misery to us. And we feel pulled into their pain.

How can we feel so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and lead satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes, we can.

And yes, it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people's recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover. We cannot make them happy.

We may ask why we were chosen for a fuller life. We may never know the answer. Some may catch up in their own time, but their recovery is not our business. The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.

We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.

Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.

Yesterday I went to a family support group run by a very experienced manager of a major detox/rehab centre. He is also a therapist and is himself a former addict. He said in his 35 years experience he has never been able to stop an addict hitting his bottom. So its useless to try. He has to hit bottom and then seek help voluntarily.