Just curious....
 

I am just curious about something. I have thought about this quit often and I am just curious how others feel about this.....So...

If I wasn't codependent, my addicted loved one (child, spouse or SO) sought recovery, and my relationship was all healed, would I continue to post here??

I don't think I would post very often. What would there be for me to learn or share?? I would probably stop by once in a while to see how others were doing and keep you all in my prayers but I certainly would not tell you my opinions, especially about subjects or topics I had zero knowledge about.

So now I understand why many have left, never to be heard from again....which had always had me puzzled.

What do you think you would do?


:thanks

My addict is not longer in my life but I continue to post here and I still continue to go to alanon as well... I'm far from healed.. I'm working on my codependency but just like an addict, once codependent always codependent.. This board helps me tremendously... Some very kind people on here helped me through my darkest hours this past winter and when I started posting here almost 6 years ago some very kind people gave me the tough love that I needed to open my eyes and see the truth about addiction ( THANK YOU, Anvil and Ann)

I read the threads daily and see people struggle like I did and I see people finally hit their bottom like I did and crawl their way out.. Hopefully my sharing, strength and hope will be beneficial to someone just like someone's else's was for me..

LoveMeNow, you always come up with the most interesting questions!!!! I like coming here because I want to try to give back....pay it forward so to speak. There were so many people here on SR, like you, who took the time to respond to my postings when I was going through difficult times with my son and his addiction. For me, I just try to share my personal experiences. Heaven knows I've made a ton of mistakes along the way, so I'm hesitant to tell people what they should do. But I hope that own personal experiences can help in any small way. One huge lesson I've learned from this site is to be compassionate with others. You just never know what is really going on in people's lives and what their problems are.

I would probably still be here, as I don't think I will ever NOT have codie slips, just get better at recognizing them at a lot faster:)

I do have to say, there are some people who will check in after a long absence..just pop in, let us know what's going on in their lives, and I think that's pretty cool.

I also want to give back some of what was given to me, as I was a hot mess when I first came here.

I do keep in touch with a few people who know longer post here, for various reasons. For some, the A got better, and or the codie got better and they've moved on with their lives.

I feel blessed that we can stay in touch and with some, though we share a past, here, we are now friends who are in the present.

I guess I'm just addicted to SR and have made so many friends here, it will be an addiction I won't seek recovery for any time soon, but I do understand why some people leave.

It may be something like the saying that goes something like "we can have friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime". The same can be said for SR.

You DO have some very thought-provoking questions:)

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Addiction has not been part of my life for over a decade.

I thought I was 13th stepping by adding Steps 1 + 12...my life is unmanageable and I want to share it with you.

:lmao

CO, you are one of the reasons I keep coming back, I just love your way with words.

My son has been missing for about 9 years now and I am no longer living a life in crisis, but I need to come here every day to keep myself grounded and to remind myself to do the "do" things to keep myself on a good recovery path.

Newcomers remind me of where I came from and remind me why I don't want to go back to a life of fear and sadness. Old timers keep me in line too, can't fool them even on a good day, lol.

Most of all I come here to repay what was so freely given to me by those who went before me. It's part of my Step 12 to share what helped me and if sharing my story can help even one person who lives in the darkness of hopelessness, then it's all worthwhile.

Besides, I come to see what LoveMeNow, CO and Anvil are up to, lol, they keep me on my toes and tickle my funny bone just when I need it most.

Hugs

if "old timers" never came back not only would SR have an entirely different flavor, but groups like AA and NA would probably cease to exist. we only keep what we have by giving it away. sharing OUR experience, strength and hope. not stats, no the latest study, not dr phil, dr drew or dr ruth....what WE as individuals and members have gained thru experience.

My daughter is in a good recovery program and she seems serious about staying sober. Just that she is alive is a miracle to me. I am grateful that she is in a good program and has gained some stability. All that can change though with one bad decision on her part.

What won't change is what I have control over which is making the decision to work my own recovery program and SR has been a big part of my recovery. I feel less alone since I started reading and posting on SR. I have gotten a lot of great feedback on questions I have asked and a lot of encouragement and understanding.

I think I will continue to read and post because I will be in recovery from codependency for the rest of my life.

This site has helped me so much. I would not be where I am today without it.

I find myself coming back when I am hurt, missing my x or just bored and/or out of habit. Sometimes I get annoyed hearing the same story again and again because it is always the same. I get upset not at the person, but just at drugs. I think about our society and how accessible drugs are. How drugs are really evil. I think about all the pain the cause, families destroyed and children. So, I take breaks. Sometimes I just need to not hear about it anymore. I was on a break when my son mentioned something to me, and I found myself back again. A family member passed too young from cancer, and I found myself back again. I still, after 2 years, just need a place. I also really enjoy maybe in some way helping others with my story. Sometimes I just want to tell most "RUN, and don't look back" :)

I don't have many people to vent to. this site is basically it for me. Like I said, I would not be where I am at without this site. I understand (haha) addiction now. I get it. and that helps me move on.

Amen, sister. Nobody tells it better than those who have been there. That's why I love our double winners here, they have personally experienced both sides, addiction AND recovery, and are a beacon of hope and light here.

:tyou

I stay here and continue to read every single day through my good times and bad. I am not over the codependency, now seeing it more in my marriage than I did when I was consumed with my son. I love and learn from everyone here every day. I have shared this site with several of my coworkers who are dealing with dysfunction in their lives.
This place reminds me all the time to be conscious of my tendencies to control and manipulate which I have been doing a lot longer than my son was addicted :)

LOL, that's so nice to read because this Codie isn't going any where any time soon. :D I still have lots to learn and hopefully someday a lot to share. So from one Codie to another, you are stuck with me for a long while. :lmao

:groan











:lmao

:fright:

Now I think I am going stay even longer and PM you every hour. :lmao



*snork*

When I first came to this site it absolutely held me up. I have learned so much from all of you. Even though I'm standing by my own power (mostly) I still visit a couple of times a day. I try to welcome the newcomers because I clearly remember how hard it was to admit how powerless I am and his unmanageable my life had become. My life is much more manageable now that I've put boundaries in place...but I question sometimes whether I could maintain that if my son was still causing chaos daily. He still is...I'm just not involved in it. I come here for the reminder...and a spiritual boost. Thank you all.

If I wasn't codependent, I probably wouldn't have come here in the first place. I probably wouldn't have needed Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, or a therapist. lol

SR and meetings are a maintenance program for me (and a 12th step thang).

gentle hugs
ke

Ahhh...but there's the rub. I don't think hardly ANY of us come here because we think there's something wrong with us. We come here because we want to know how to FIX someone else. We stay as reminders of where we were and to attempt to pass on what we have learned or what worked for US along the way.

Any attempt to tell others what an addict should be doing for their recovery belongs on the Substance Abuse board, IMO. I'm sure they would just lovvvvve to hear it. muhahaha

Ya know, I had started googling side effects of percocets for a couple of months before I ever found this site. I still thought my husband had just a little ole pill problem and I wanted proof. Little did I know, he was already in full blown addiction.

After reading here, then joining....the lights started coming on. What was the first thing I did? I sent him an email of What Addicts Do. Just recently I found that email and his reply. Lets just say he was still in full blown denial. Lol

But my denial was far worse.....I still thought he was the only one with a problem. :D

I ended up here basically the same way.. Googling ways to fix and help an addict.. You can even look back at my first post and see how naive I was about addiction... Sometimes I go back and read those posts, it shows me how far I've come as a person and how much addiction affected my life.. When I got to these boards I thought my situation was unique and special and that I would defy the odds and save him... I ended up falling on my face more times then once but I also ended up saving myself... I didn't even know what the word codependency meant when i arrived here but soon learned I was the poster child for the term...

Another thing I've learned is that my addict didn't make me codependent, I found myself in a relationship with him because I was codependent.. Even though he is not in my life anymore, codependency still reels its ugly head, I catch myself becoming too involved in situations where I just need to step back and let that person figure it out... I'm terrified of getting involved in another relationship with a man, I have so many trust issues to deal with and I fear that he will be another addict... I have a long ways to go in healing and this board helps me tremendously...

allthatsgood took the words right out of my mouth!

I've been laying low for a while, partly because I'm back in the States due to my father's health and dealing with that, partly because I'm busy working hard on letting my life develop more holistically, having broken all contact with my former partner about 5 months ago (I've stopped counting days, which makes me feel great), and partly because I'm beginning to reign in some of my commentary, which, of late, I feel is just an extension of my illness.

I'm a bit conflicted because, although I've learned so much from what others have shared, both in my Nar-Anon group (and in the literature) and here on SR, I often hear a voice inside of me now that says, "Just be quiet"... When I look back on some of my early posts here, I find that I was often too strident, or too absolute in my thinking... At this point in my recovery, I can see the attributes of what we call here "co-dependency" in so many people, but whereas, in the recent past, I might have tried to say something (usually by way of sharing my own experience), I've started to understand just how deeply transformative the process of recovery really is, and so my reaction, more and more, is to just listen.... and to also walk away from something that is so messy that I feel myself being triggered.

And yet, as I said, I have been helped by what others have shared, so I'm trying to let myself really feel what's going on in this "step" while not getting too involved in it -- just letting it happen. When I think about those in my group with many years of recovery, or folks here like Ann or Kindeyes, who say things that are succinct, restrained and well-measured, I understand that my recovery is only beginning.

I started coming here for help to fix my son.

What I've received is a Bachelor's degree worth of insight into my own codependency issues that affect all of my relationships.
I continue to read here because I want my Master's.

I post here because I want to share what I've learned, in my own way.

You never know which post might help to turn someone's light bulb on.
Could be a huggy one or it could be a thump in the head.

Mine came on with a thump.

I keep coming back because life has not quit.

I _love_ the people here. There is such a depth of strength, and kindness, and hope in the people who post here. It helps me deal with all the darkness and hardship I see in the world around me.

I have made deep friendships here, and it's much easier to pop in and see how they are doing than voice phone or text.

I am not yet perfect. From time to time I foul up something in my life. Reading through the posts reminds me of lessons I have forgotten, experience I thought I had. I see how other peeps live their lives and I find ways to keep my life going in a similar direction.

Now and then I see something where I can actually contribute. That is my way of giving back to the community that has given so much to me. I don't think I will ever give back even a small fraction of the love, kindness and wisdom that was given to me, so I just give what I can.

There is hope in this world. Hope for _anyone_, no matter how horrid their life. SR is an example of that hope, and that there are still a lot of good people in the world who actually care about perfect strangers.

Mike :)

DesertEyes......that was perfect.

(((((Thank you for writing it.)))))

When I first joined here my life was totally unmanageable. I couldn't figure it out. I got out of a long term abusive relationship (some people get less jail time for murder then what I spent in my marriage), bought a new house (foreclosure). Life was good. Right???

Then why didn't I have better coping skills then to sink into drinking myself into oblivion?

I know I am on the wrong board to be posting this, but it is what it is!!!!!!!!!

I came here on the newcomers forum. A few months later, I started to post on the "family and friends" section. This board became my "family", and my "friends".

I am a "codie", through and through. I have been learning not to try to fix things, but I still have that damn "caring" thing there. I learned a lot from my abusive relationship, and I found out that leaving is not as scary as it sounds.

I am in recovery, I will always be in recovery. I came here, and so many people opened up their hearts to me. I felt loved, I felt accepted. I really didn't know what that felt like before.

I still have a lot of work to do on me, but I have done a lot of work on me also. So many I took one or two steps towards recovery, and that is the part that I want to share with others. That life doesn't have to suck, that you can leave and you can be happy. So others can see what an abusive relationship is like, and that there are others, that been there, did that, got the t shirt. That you can make changes in your life.

That is how I pay it forward.

I try to give the newcomers here, that were in the situation I was in, the understanding that I needed when I sought out help.

What I get in return, --- I will always need a reality check, and at times that SR 2x 4. My life is not perfect, and never will be. I learn how to deal with them here. If I think I will be making a possible stupid mistake, I come here first.

No man is an island, people need people, and I trust the people here. I just hope that I can help just one person, as much as this forum has helped me.

"Friends and Family" is my friends and family. I'll never leave.


Edited to add: I am usually on friends and family of alcoholics. I really don't know much about drug addiction. I just really liked this thread.

I, too, came looking for ways to help my daughter - worried sick and desperate for answers.

I don't say much, but I read a LOT, and what I learned was that there was no fixing her, only me.

If, by that miracle, she turns her life around and there is no longer an imminent crisis taking over her life and the sun rose every morning on a sober, healthy young woman that is my precious girlie, I would STILL come here...because...

Her addiction - which was not MY idea - has still affected MY life in such a way as to make me almost useless. I have succumbed to the torture that is having a child in a deadly addiction, and lost myself in the process.

There is a wound in my heart - and though the attacker pulled out the knife and the surgeon stitched up the hole, it still hurts, and there's a scar that will be with me the rest of my life. The extreme pain might go away a bit, but the experience will have left me traumatized and I will need help dealing with that.

That's the horrible thing for those of us on the side-lines - we are collateral damage and stuck with the consequences of PSTD, too. Especially if your addict is your child.