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Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement - Attach With Love - Partnership Drug Free



Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement - Attach With Love - Partnership Drug Free

Old 10-26-2013, 12:05 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thank you so much for posting this! This really spelled it out for me. In the past I've fallen into the bad habit of punishing my AH over and over for past behaviors. I stayed mad and didn't give him credit for the progress he was making. I liked a lot of the other posts too, it got me thinking about my own experiences. I know it may seem silly to some to praise your spouse for making it to work on time but this is actually something my AH struggled with. When he was using he was late for work every day one week. He's now in withdrawal and feeling like crap and he's gone to work on time every single day. Sure it would have been easier to call in sick but he didn't. He followed his counselors advice and stayed active. I think that is progress. It shows motivation and determination.
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Old 10-26-2013, 11:05 AM
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These are some wise words posted to me years ago on this forum that helped me find a balance that works for ME.

This is one of the tough one's isn't it? On the one hand we're told "nothing you do or say will affect the addict's behavior" and on the other "Tough love! Tough love! Knock the wheels out from under them and make them walk. No mercy. No quarter."
But if having a conversation with him about ordinary things from time to time, and letting him know I still care about his welfare is enabling, then I guess we're both doomed. I think that one's a judgment call. And the judgment has to be about how it affects YOU. Would aloneness and isolation wake him up, or cause him to despair and sink farther? Who knows? If talking to him drives you crazy, by all means refrain. If it doesn't, and you're like me ....that becomes a punishment for YOU... well then. If your actions are dictated by how it will affect him, then you're trying to manage his recovery instead of taking care of yourself.
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Old 10-26-2013, 11:59 AM
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I like the words attach with love rather then just detach, or don't enable. What this article did for me was clear up what enabling actually is- and YES I enable. But it also helped me to understand that I can support my AH in a way that doesn't enable him. Who cares if we are praising good behavior that are just plain responsibilities for the rest of us (ex: waking up on time, or coming home to help with dinner). Its not telling them its ok to do drugs, its telling them that we are happy they made a good choice today. If they see us happy with them for once, then maybe it will make them feel good for awhile and want to please us some more (like a dog or child does). Its a GOOD thing to give positive feedback, even if it seems to be for something so small.
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Old 10-26-2013, 08:34 PM
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:07 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mattdavis View Post
PBIS is also a nice campaign which is taking place nowadays. It has been implemented in many schools and clubs to teach positive behavior towards life. Many schools are taking part in this to train their teacher so that they can implement this program for the kids. It will help to lead the positivity in their attitude and behavior and also help to become strong in the academic ground.
Matt,

Thanks for posting about PBIS. I was not aware of it, but did a search a read a lot about it from their website. Very interesting and I think really positive for our kids. My son isn't school age yet, but I have been trying to learn and keep up with things just like this so I can be an educated parent, understand some of the teaching techniques. Also fits right in with the article in this thread.
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:24 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by help4hubby View Post
Thank you so much for posting this! This really spelled it out for me. In the past I've fallen into the bad habit of punishing my AH over and over for past behaviors. I stayed mad and didn't give him credit for the progress he was making. I liked a lot of the other posts too, it got me thinking about my own experiences. I know it may seem silly to some to praise your spouse for making it to work on time but this is actually something my AH struggled with. When he was using he was late for work every day one week. He's now in withdrawal and feeling like crap and he's gone to work on time every single day. Sure it would have been easier to call in sick but he didn't. He followed his counselors advice and stayed active. I think that is progress. It shows motivation and determination.
Im happy this thread came back around, glad it has been helpful.

I think the example you gave is spot on, and I don't think its silly to recognize an effort like that. There were many things that caught my attention when my husband was in early recovery & I felt it was appropriate and supportive to let him know. My husbands rehab focused a lot of communication between us, sharing what we were feeling -so it felt natural to me. I think the key is being sincere.
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Old 10-28-2013, 09:49 AM
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I don't praise my husband for each little thing he does right (when he gets out of bed to go to work that is called responsibility, I do it too, no on praises me for it). When he is making an effort I mention "I can see you are making an effort, that is good." That's about all i've got. I already feel as though he has become my third child and that I have to be the husband and wife for our family. How much more is expected of me? How much do I have to put up with to get this person well when they don't want to do it for themselves? Nope. I can see now that unless they have to make sacrifice and changes in their lives (motivation that they are going to lose things that mean alot to them) that they won't change. And even then many of them still won't. It's a very harsh but very true reality.
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