Lost hope, Moving on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 44
Lost hope, Moving on.
So we spoke briefly on Friday after his bail hearing, which I never attended. His mom had invited me for lunch but I said I’d let him decide if he even wanted to see me. He called me late in the afternoon with no invite. He had some percs left over from before he got arrested. So ya. He was high. He never understood about me, that I can tell when he is lying. (He admitted to the percs.) I could just tell he was lying about other things (telling me he had to go so he could eat with his family - I heard him turning on a DVD... )
He had obviously gone for lunch with them. I asked him where he thought we stood with each other and he said he liked having my support, and liked having me around but he didn’t think he could handle a relationship towhich I said I completely understand, I don’t want to pressure him at all, however, I need to take care of my own needs. He agreed. Eventually we hung up.
I sat outside a friend’s place, it began to pour and I cried after we hung up. I cried for 15 minutes. I wiped my tears and decided that was it. He wasn’t ready to get clean. (I think he might stay clean for a while, since he’s getting drug tests and such done) It’s clear he does not even want to be clean. He’s so far gone. It’s tragic. I went to my friend’s house and sat for a while, feeling upset. I decided right then and there I was done. I no longer felt the need to attach myself to this situation.. Of course, any support or help I can offer him, I will. But the intimate/emotional side of this... it’s done.
I had a social function to attend that same night so I pulled myself together and put my best foot forward. I had fun. I hadn’t seen some friends in so long, I wasn’t worried about him, wondering if he’s alive or not... it was refreshing... in fact, I actually met someone new. A very smart, ambitious man. We flirted. I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t feel wrong. I felt right. I understand things have been on and off with my ex but him being high with me on the phone... that was the nail in the coffin.
I had been so emotionally drained for so long. It really clicked that he just can’t take care of my needs the way I would want him to. I let go. I moved on. I’m enjoying the idea of being with someone who is NICE to me... who is NOT addicted to drugs, who RESPECTS me... I’m just scared. My ex called my office today ( I was out) and when my colleague informed me I had knots. Wow. As I was typing this he called me again. I can tell when he’s high. and guess what. He’s high. I feel awful for him, his parents ... it’s tragic. I don’t know how to explain to him I’ve moved on. I’d still love to be supportive of him as long as he is cleaning up. I just don’t want to mislead him either. Like it’s not like me and this new guy are going to be in a relationship but we really click... he’s taking me out tomorrow... I can’t remember the last time my ex took me out.. OH wait I can. He BEGGED me to get off work early so I did... and then I waited for him for THREE hours at the subway stop near my office. GUESS WHY?? He was busy filling his fix. (I did not leave because he had my bus pass and was supposed to bring it to me at work that same day) and THAT was about 2 months ago (maybe longer.) The next time we had plans to go out, he just did not answer my calls and called me later to tell me he wasn’t feeling well. (I knew it was cause of the drugs but he’d never admit it.) ... so yeah..
My whole thing now is that I just don’t wanna hurt him. I shouldn’t care cause he’s hurt me sooo much.. I even told him on the phone on Friday... “You’ve hurt me a lot over the past month or so, you’ve been such a dick to me.” He said sorry. He didn’t care. He didn’t mean it. Why should I care about his feelings? I’m just too nice. I hate lying. I do not want to lie to him. As of right now I’m just ignoring most of his calls and playing “busy”... I’m hoping he asks what is up with it and then I’ll just tell him “I am distancing myself because you need to deal with this alone. I’m here as support as a friend but that’s it.” Just hoping he does not ask if I am seeing someone else (he has asked me that in the past when we had split up). Do not want to lie. Do not want to tell the truth either. Cause the truth is ... He can’t take care of me the way I deserve to be taken care of. He’s incapable. He NEEDS to focus on his sobriety but as a result of his phonecall from 5 minutes ago... he’s high. I’m so tempted to tell his mother.... I just want this to go away. I want to move on with my life. As much as I have pinged over this loser for long enough- when I am done... that’s it.. I’m over it. He can’t give me what I need, and I have found an AMAZING man who deserves a fair chance....
He had obviously gone for lunch with them. I asked him where he thought we stood with each other and he said he liked having my support, and liked having me around but he didn’t think he could handle a relationship towhich I said I completely understand, I don’t want to pressure him at all, however, I need to take care of my own needs. He agreed. Eventually we hung up.
I sat outside a friend’s place, it began to pour and I cried after we hung up. I cried for 15 minutes. I wiped my tears and decided that was it. He wasn’t ready to get clean. (I think he might stay clean for a while, since he’s getting drug tests and such done) It’s clear he does not even want to be clean. He’s so far gone. It’s tragic. I went to my friend’s house and sat for a while, feeling upset. I decided right then and there I was done. I no longer felt the need to attach myself to this situation.. Of course, any support or help I can offer him, I will. But the intimate/emotional side of this... it’s done.
I had a social function to attend that same night so I pulled myself together and put my best foot forward. I had fun. I hadn’t seen some friends in so long, I wasn’t worried about him, wondering if he’s alive or not... it was refreshing... in fact, I actually met someone new. A very smart, ambitious man. We flirted. I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t feel wrong. I felt right. I understand things have been on and off with my ex but him being high with me on the phone... that was the nail in the coffin.
I had been so emotionally drained for so long. It really clicked that he just can’t take care of my needs the way I would want him to. I let go. I moved on. I’m enjoying the idea of being with someone who is NICE to me... who is NOT addicted to drugs, who RESPECTS me... I’m just scared. My ex called my office today ( I was out) and when my colleague informed me I had knots. Wow. As I was typing this he called me again. I can tell when he’s high. and guess what. He’s high. I feel awful for him, his parents ... it’s tragic. I don’t know how to explain to him I’ve moved on. I’d still love to be supportive of him as long as he is cleaning up. I just don’t want to mislead him either. Like it’s not like me and this new guy are going to be in a relationship but we really click... he’s taking me out tomorrow... I can’t remember the last time my ex took me out.. OH wait I can. He BEGGED me to get off work early so I did... and then I waited for him for THREE hours at the subway stop near my office. GUESS WHY?? He was busy filling his fix. (I did not leave because he had my bus pass and was supposed to bring it to me at work that same day) and THAT was about 2 months ago (maybe longer.) The next time we had plans to go out, he just did not answer my calls and called me later to tell me he wasn’t feeling well. (I knew it was cause of the drugs but he’d never admit it.) ... so yeah..
My whole thing now is that I just don’t wanna hurt him. I shouldn’t care cause he’s hurt me sooo much.. I even told him on the phone on Friday... “You’ve hurt me a lot over the past month or so, you’ve been such a dick to me.” He said sorry. He didn’t care. He didn’t mean it. Why should I care about his feelings? I’m just too nice. I hate lying. I do not want to lie to him. As of right now I’m just ignoring most of his calls and playing “busy”... I’m hoping he asks what is up with it and then I’ll just tell him “I am distancing myself because you need to deal with this alone. I’m here as support as a friend but that’s it.” Just hoping he does not ask if I am seeing someone else (he has asked me that in the past when we had split up). Do not want to lie. Do not want to tell the truth either. Cause the truth is ... He can’t take care of me the way I deserve to be taken care of. He’s incapable. He NEEDS to focus on his sobriety but as a result of his phonecall from 5 minutes ago... he’s high. I’m so tempted to tell his mother.... I just want this to go away. I want to move on with my life. As much as I have pinged over this loser for long enough- when I am done... that’s it.. I’m over it. He can’t give me what I need, and I have found an AMAZING man who deserves a fair chance....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and I have found an AMAZING man who deserves a fair chance....
oh boy, got a rebound guy already? you haven't even had the guts to tell bf#1 it's OVER, just not answering his calls and thinking of calling his MOTHER and yet you are all over the NEW GUY you met four days ago???? which you call having MOVED ON?
has it occurred to you that MAYBE you should get YOURSELF straightened out FIRST? clean up the mess, get your head on straight, properly and maturely END things and then give yourself some time to get to know YOU before latching onto another guy?????
oh boy, got a rebound guy already? you haven't even had the guts to tell bf#1 it's OVER, just not answering his calls and thinking of calling his MOTHER and yet you are all over the NEW GUY you met four days ago???? which you call having MOVED ON?
has it occurred to you that MAYBE you should get YOURSELF straightened out FIRST? clean up the mess, get your head on straight, properly and maturely END things and then give yourself some time to get to know YOU before latching onto another guy?????
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Sounds like you keep looking to have your needs me by someone else because you haven't figured out to make yourself happy.
Additionally, I really don't understand your dilemma. He was clear that he did not want a relationship with you but liked your "support" - translation 'I will call you when you when I need to use you."
Block his number and start fixing you!
Additionally, I really don't understand your dilemma. He was clear that he did not want a relationship with you but liked your "support" - translation 'I will call you when you when I need to use you."
Block his number and start fixing you!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
^^^
What they said. You can't move on if you hang on by supporting him. He doesn't need your support, he needs to get clean and stay clean all by himself, because in the end that's who needs to fix him...he does.
And sorry dear, but I agree that you are moving on wayyy too fast. Anyone will look good after what you have been through. Slow down girl, or risk ending up like so many who just kept going from one bad relationship to another.
Take time to heal. If it scares you to be alone, go to a meeting and find out why. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely and until you can learn to love yourself you are spinning your wheels hopping into another relationship.
End the bad relationship...heal and learn all about yourself...and then maybe you will be ready for new beginnings.
Healthy attracts healthy and sick attracts sick. Get healthy and improve your life so you can find joy...whether or not there is a man in it or not.
Hugs
What they said. You can't move on if you hang on by supporting him. He doesn't need your support, he needs to get clean and stay clean all by himself, because in the end that's who needs to fix him...he does.
And sorry dear, but I agree that you are moving on wayyy too fast. Anyone will look good after what you have been through. Slow down girl, or risk ending up like so many who just kept going from one bad relationship to another.
Take time to heal. If it scares you to be alone, go to a meeting and find out why. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely and until you can learn to love yourself you are spinning your wheels hopping into another relationship.
End the bad relationship...heal and learn all about yourself...and then maybe you will be ready for new beginnings.
Healthy attracts healthy and sick attracts sick. Get healthy and improve your life so you can find joy...whether or not there is a man in it or not.
Hugs
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I also echo what the others are saying... Slow down... Stay out of relationships for awhile... There is absolutely nothing wrong with going out and having a good time but keep your relationships platonic and if you can't do that then stay away from men for awhile..
It takes time to heal.. I've been divorced from my ex addict for almost 8 months and I haven't even scratched the surface really when it comes to my healing.. If your BF is anything like my ex then your relationship with him was very volatile and its leaving you in a very vulnerable position at the moment... Get yourself healthy before you enter into another relationship with a man or else chances are you will end up right where you are now...
I still go to alanon even though I have no addicts in my life anymore.. That may be something to think about doing for the time being..
It takes time to heal.. I've been divorced from my ex addict for almost 8 months and I haven't even scratched the surface really when it comes to my healing.. If your BF is anything like my ex then your relationship with him was very volatile and its leaving you in a very vulnerable position at the moment... Get yourself healthy before you enter into another relationship with a man or else chances are you will end up right where you are now...
I still go to alanon even though I have no addicts in my life anymore.. That may be something to think about doing for the time being..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
I have to agree with all of the above. You need to officially end it with the abf completely. You don't need to be a friend to him or support him. It's over, he blew it when he couldn't stay clean and treated you the way he did. Idk if I read it wrong but you didn't just say you are in a relationship with guy #2 whom you just met and didn't even go out with yet? I'm hoping that's a typo or something. Good advice to attend those Alanon meetings and find out why you aren't happy just being with "you". Believe it or not men can sense a needy woman with low self-esteem a mile away. They are easy to have a good time with and throw away. Don't be one of those women! Men appreciate the kind of woman who loves and respects herself. Keep that in mind, ok? Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 44
Just to make this clear ... I completley had meant to say that I was not planing on having a relationship with this new guy. Just getting to know each other but he is sweet. My ex and I have been broken up for over a month and we were only together for 4 months. (I did let him live with me for one of those months which kind put things in an awkward position.) I really appreciate everyone's advice. I am a bit worried that things might move too fast cause I'm vunerable... but I'm not going to run away from a perfectly nice guy and a perfectly innocent and fun situation because it MIGHT get ruined by my previous predicament. Just going to take it one day at a time. I wish I could just cut my ex off. I tried to a few months ago when I got all ready for a date and he just didn't show. I changed my number and told him I couldn't handle this anymore. And it's true. He is using me. He does not need my support. He called me yestesrday to invite me over for sex when his parents are gone away. I just laughed. I wish I did not hate confrontation so much. Especially with him. He gets really defensive. I've been igoring most of his calls. He had some stuff mailed to my address (stuff from pawn shops cause he sold belongings of his family) so that's awkward too. I just like dating and getting to know someone it takes a lot for me to committ (apparently it takes being a drug addict with no hope.) I had been single for 4 years prior to November of last year and that was replaced by two intense flings. I'm still young and I'm just starting my career I have a new apartment in a fabulous area of the city... I don't have time to waste with my ex.. .that's what I've been telling myself for the past 2.5 months but it didn't click until he made it abundently clear that I was just a device for him to use. I knew it all along but I guess it was just my breaking point.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by LadyM87 
Just to make this clear ... I completley had meant to say that I was not planing on having a relationship with this new guy. Just getting to know each other but he is sweet. My ex and I have been broken up for over a month and we were only together for 4 months. (I did let him live with me for one of those months which kind put things in an awkward position.) I really appreciate everyone's advice. I am a bit worried that things might move too fast cause I'm vunerable... but I'm not going to run away from a perfectly nice guy and a perfectly innocent and fun situation because it MIGHT get ruined by my previous predicament. Just going to take it one day at a time. I wish I could just cut my ex off. I tried to a few months ago when I got all ready for a date and he just didn't show. I changed my number and told him I couldn't handle this anymore. And it's true. He is using me. He does not need my support. He called me yestesrday to invite me over for sex when his parents are gone away. I just laughed. I wish I did not hate confrontation so much. Especially with him. He gets really defensive. I've been igoring most of his calls. He had some stuff mailed to my address (stuff from pawn shops cause he sold belongings of his family) so that's awkward too. I just like dating and getting to know someone it takes a lot for me to committ (apparently it takes being a drug addict with no hope.) I had been single for 4 years prior to November of last year and that was replaced by two intense flings. I'm still young and I'm just starting my career I have a new apartment in a fabulous area of the city... I don't have time to waste with my ex.. .that's what I've been telling myself for the past 2.5 months but it didn't click until he made it abundently clear that I was just a device for him to use. I knew it all along but I guess it was just my breaking point.
Then, if he keeps trying to contact you, block his phone or get a new phone number, block his emails, etc.
You really don't owe him any explanations. He already knows why. You know he does.
Hugs, Kari
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