blackandblue

It has been far too long since my last post. I have been wrapped up in work and travel overseas. Finally, I can catch my breath. Then it dawned on me that I have not been on the forum for some time. Needless to say, I miss you all.

I have been away from my AXBF for months now, with one big relapse in April. But I must say 2013 has been a year of progress with 5 months of no communication and even better he has not been on my mind or in my heart.

That codependent part of me feels guilty and confused about my decision to leave him for good. But I know that will pass soon. I have not let go of all of the hooks he left behind and would like to figure out how to remove all of them for good.

No doubt in my mind that this relationship broke my spirit, tore me down, and kicked my arse for almost 4 years. I have no regrets, but I have wounds to heal. Sometimes love is worth fighting for and sometimes that means saving our own lives from self-destruction. That is true love.

I will write more soon. Good to be back.
Many Blessings... B&B

Ann

For me, forgiveness was the antidote to resentments and allowed me to be free of the past and those who had contributed to my unhappiness.

In the end, I held the key to my happiness and once I healed from the past, the future was all mine to enjoy.

Hope you make it through that transition, it sounds like you are close.

Welcome back, it's good to see you.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Times heals.....perhaps not enough of it has gone by to do the job yet.....but it will.

Keep taking care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

blackandblue

Thanks Ann and KE!

That means a lot and it is so good to be back here. I almost forgot about it for a little while as I got wrapped up in my own world.

I heard by the way recently, that the official mental health diagnosis is going to be changed from "addiction" to "substance abuse"- mild, moderate, and severe. Interesting I thought, and might make a good discussion point.

I do feel that time will heal but I also think the wounds from being in an addictive relationship are far more deep and penetrating than that of other relationships without addiction.

I find myself having lingering feelings for him and I am not sure what it is about. I don't know if I will know. I guess the only way to know is time and space. There is more to the healing process than time and distance though.

I wish my heart was not closed but I find myself more and more distant from the idea of relationships in general besides friendships. I really feel for those still deep in the midst of the turmoil with active addiction. I am a few steps removed but I feel the "after-shocks" every day.

Being okay with my decision to take a step back and end the relationship was huge. I still don't know if I will stick with it but when I think about what I have put up with, I cannot imagine why I would go back ever. One could psycho-analyze it to death but it does not help.

The only thing that has helped is faith- nothing else really.

madisonblake

Hi B&B. I remember you. I too haven't posted here in a very long time. Like you, the last time i would see my AXBF was April of this year. I did not realize until very recently how tore down my spirit really was. I am so thankful for being away from my X now. I haven't felt this level of serenity and calm since before I met him. I'm slowly getting back to normal.

My last few months have probably been a bit different being that someone very special very unexpectedly came into my life a few months ago. I was not looking for a relationship and truly did not want to be in one for a long time. I did not think I could possibly be ready. But this man is wonderful and I let him into my life. This past week we had a bit of a disagreement and we both got more upset than we should have becuase of wounds from both of our past relationships. I am saying all of this because I didn't realize how wounded I still am from the relationship with my XABF. This past week has brought back many painful memories because I don't think I had worked through it all. For me it comes in waves but the low times are fewer and farther between and I no longer feel as much anger. It's still very shocking to me that I stayed as long as I did.

I've really questioned this week whether or not I was ready to move into another relationship this soon. I am giving it a shot. This man seems wonderful. We are able to talk openly and calmly about our feelings, without someone running out and using drugs, lying, screaming, giving silent treatments, etc. We respect each other. We listen. He has a great head on his shoulders and I said to myself, I'm not going to let this one pass me up!

I still have a LOT of work to do on myself to heal. I'm happy to hear you are doing well.

madisonblake

One more thing I just remembered. I had blocked all my XBFs contact numbers from being able to call or text me. Two weeks ago, I receive a phone call and it took me a minute to recognize it was HIM calling me after three months of no contact. Of course, I didn't answer. I was shocked. When I listened to the voicemail, it was just weird sounds in the background. It sounded like he butt dialed me. I immediately logged onto my cell phone carrier website and updated the block list which I thought this number was already on.

Two days later he had his 20 year class reunion. We have some mutual friends. I saw a few people I'm friends with had posted pics from that night. He was in a few of them and I could see in the background people were all hanging out at his house partying after the reunion. I saw his face in these pictures.

This is how I knew for the first time I was on the road to healing and to my own recovery. I didn't care if he was high or not. I didn't care if he called on purpose. I didn't analyze anything. I didn't ask anyone I'm friends with to give me the low down on that night. I just finally....didn't care. It felt really damn good to not care anymore. :-)

blackandblue

Hi MB- Great to hear from you! It has been nice to detach from everything for a while from my point of view. I have had 3 months of no Al-anon, no forums, no AXBF, no sponsor, no therapist, etc. Just me and Higher Power and some helpful tools I have learned along the way- powerful all in itself I feel. Now, it's really good to be back on SR, and shortly, I will be back to a routine/on to a new routine as well. I have seen evolution in my life this year. All I had to do was get out of the way. I am fully aware that there is still a disconnect between my head and my heart, but they are at least starting to have a conversation. For me, travel always provides a new perspective and I feel lucky that way to have created this life for myself.

I am happy to hear that you met a new man. How exciting to be reminded that love is all around and shows up when you least expect. Follow your heart and your intuition. For me, I know my heart is not yet open and I could not be in a relationship right now. I guess one never knows. One can really never know when the right time to move on is exactly. Just enjoy and take care of yourself. The answers will come when you need them.