My Three Omens
 

A week or so ago I began a thread asking "Why me?" Why had I recovered from addiction when so many do not? More importantly perhaps, what did I do differently? I just came back from a couple of days of camping, reflection and rejuvenation on our reservation and while there, found at least part of my answer.

I don't often try to introduce words that others are unfamiliar with but I can't find an equally good way to explain and so; in my culture, we refer to an event that is positive and uplifting as 'good medicine'. But there is a stage beyond that called an 'omen'. An omen is good medicine that is so powerful that it changes the way you see the world forever. Here were the three omens in my recovery journey:

First, I discovered the principle of no-contact. Shortly thereafter, I went no-contact with my alcoholic, abusive mother. Without her constant reinforcing of my negative self-image, her abusive language and hate-filled rants, I was able to heal. I sincerely believe that I would not have recovered with her poison filling my mind. I see so many addicts with their version of my mother somewhere in their past that they continue to invite into their present to shape their future.

I realize here that often the shoe is on the other foot, but the addicts disease affects the entire family and by going no-contact, perhaps the family can find healing. It is not always the right time to go no contact, but when all the interventions and pleading that can be done are - perhaps you might find the same freedom and hope that I did.

Second omen: I found that I had so much wreckage in my childhood and sought a way to address it. My sponsor, who is also Native American, gave me a stuffed baby mountain lion as a gift when I went away to college. The significance was that the mountain lion is my spirit animal. The baby... that was me. I'll cut and paste here for convenience:

I found that I was unconsciously reacting to life via my childhood programming. I was feeling powerless many times as an adult when in fact, I was not. I felt rage over being ignored...not because I was being ignored at the customer service counter today but because of the 672,492 times I had felt ignored as a child and the anger simply piggybacked onto this customer service person. Okay, said that better this time.

So I decided to talk to that child and see if I couldn't work something out somehow. Maybe I could help him out. So, I made a commitment to spend the last fifteen minutes of each day for the next thirty days talking to this part of me that had been injured and ignored for decades. I further decided I would utilize the stuffed animal as something tangible to project towards. I mean...the mountain lion is my spirit animal in my tradition...this is a baby or child mountain lion...seemed perfect.

Yup...so here I was on the thirtieth day in my dorm room at college talking to this stuffed animal and feeling pretty silly about now because it doesn't talk back, hasn't talked back, can't talk back and I feel no closer to making a breakthru today than I have for the last 29 days of wasted fifteen minute periods. I tried to console myself with the idea that I had wasted 7.5 hours of my life on stupider things as I flicked the light to turn it off and go to sleep when it screamed. It was scared of the dark. Correction, she was scared of the dark.

I threw the light back on. All these memories and fears and terrors and ...I had forgotten so much stuff but the floodgates were open now. I don't know what to say here but this changed my life more dramatically than almost any single event in it.

Third omen: I am an atheist. I've studied nearly every religion and nothing was able to move me from this stance or help me to find a Higher Power which I was told repeatedly that I would need to continue my recovery. Then I ran into Huna which basically said that there was a higher, middle and lower self. Without delving too deep, Huna's explanation of the three selves was pretty much in keeping with idea's in psychology. So there was a match between competing (or apparently competing) ideas. Too, its beliefs closely resembled ideas present in my Native heritage. This isn't to say that I gravitated because of familiarity but only because of another match.

One of the ideas I found fascinating that was unique to Huna (in my studies to that point) was that the 'arrangement' of the selves wasn't how I would have expected it. It went:

Higher self
Lower self
Middle self

According to Huna philosophy, the middle self which is the ego, conscious mind or robot self could not have direct access to the higher self but needed to basically petition the lower self to bring whatever issue, thought, etc. to the higher self. It required the selves to work together.

I was okay with the idea of a higher self. The idea that one must come to the higher self as a child is an idea present in so many religions that I found myself nodding immediately. Plus, I had found a child recently through my stuffed mountain lion (who I still have by the way). And then there was me and the idea that we needed to work together.

When I couldn't solve a problem on intellect or drive alone, I would ask the child within for help. Sometimes she could simply add an emotional element and problem solved. Other times she would forward it to my higher self. What I found was that when I did not act in conflict with my other selves, the Universe started doing whatever Universes do to solve whatever dilemma I was having - and frequently, they were the stuff of miracles... and so, I found my higher power.

Legna, it is great you have traditions to draw on and construct mental models of recovery.

Thanks so much for this and there is a lot of wisdom and insight in your post.

I had a similar omen somewhat related to the 'no contact,' except I realized I was creating the negative, haters around me. My drinking was turning formerly healthy, nice people into negative, angry, and confused people. I had to change or I was going to lose my wife and daughters.

I also "sort of" realized how much certain things in my childhood have affected me, especially being ignored. I go into an internal rage when someone doesn't pay attention to me, or talks over me, or doesn't take my advice, etc. I think I need to examine this a bit closer and try to work something out.

Just to share, in my world these things that you call "omens", I call a "paradigm shift". Think of a Paradigm Shift as a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. It just does not happen, but rather it is driven by agents of change. Have a good day. :)

Thank you for posting this legna. I grew up in the Pacific northwest and count many native Americans amongst my friends and family. I love the culture and traditions. And I love the omens. I had the privilege as a child to go with a friend many times to her grandmother's house. She was an elder. She let me participate in basket weaving classes and while teaching she shared stories of her ancestors. I loved every minute of it. I still feel blessed for it. Thanks again....You brought back some wonderful memories for me.

Thanks, for the post it helped me realize that some of my issues are that little kid who never had caring parents I really need to begin healing her.

Hi Legna,

I read your post last night and found it to be such a thoughtful retrospective on your experience of healing from the pain that was brought your way, starting at such a young age; and how all of that fit into your recovery from substances. I had to share it with my husband today. He was really enthralled with your story, the omens, and the baby mountain lion. I told him that you had written a book on poker (I think you said) and he said you should write something on your story of recovery. In some ways, it was reminiscent of that book “In the realm of Hungry Ghosts, where he talks about different realms of life (based on the Buddhist concepts). I just wanted to let you know how inspirational and thought provoking your shares are; we talked for a long time today about the “turning points” in our own lives, and relating them to “omens”. All good, so just wanted to say Thanks !

I wish every adult would and could take the time to nurture and heal the child within. Thank you for sharing your journey. I also like the Huna philosophy and will share that with my AS who doesn't believe in a HP.

Well, interestingly enough, I am currently writing that book. It is a Buddhist allegory. Our young hero and his mentor pass through a veil via meditation and find themselves on one of the mythological thirty-one planes of existence, one of which is the realm of hungry ghosts. Adventure ensues, moral lessons learned and they return until the next adventure - cue book two. ;)

While not recovery based per se, it is a young adult novel that encapsulates lessons that I have learned in recovery. And if I can motivate young folks to meditate in an attempt to have such an adventure the way another young adult series motivated children to check the back of every wardrobe they run across for the rest of their lives... no harm there.

Way to go Legna !!!

Somehow you have to fit something in related to the way your cat protected your dog from that bear ( I think it was a bear ). I told my husband about your dog and cat adventures also. :)